What does his behavior tell me?

February 24, 2006

especially when it doesn't concern or affect the other person

Aha -- this is the key phrase. In situations where there's been infidelity, and someone is trying to regain trust, everything affects the hurt partner. Not thoughts and fantasies, or watching the cheater perform basic bathroom functions. But email use, phone use, passwords, etc? Yep, if that's what the hurt partner needs to gain trust, it must absolutely be available.

I don't get the "controlling" thing. I don't have sympathy for a cheater who feels "controlled." (A) YOU controlled the situation, unbeknownst to your spouse, for however long the affair went on; and (B) If you think that basic requests for sharing information = control, and you resent it, just get the h*ll out of the marriage.

February 24, 2006

well...i said it in jest for a reason to mz. pixie.

and i disagree once again. i don't think anyone should get hurt by someone else, but i think some people are way too controlling. i wouldn't want to be with someone who thought every little piece of me was owed to him in some way; that's not fair.

being with someone who cheats isn't any better than being with someone who is super-controlling and doesn't have any respect for the fact that you are a fellow human being who has the right to keep some things to yourself, especially when it doesn't concern or affect the other person.

Well, I do think personally that masturbation is private.

I have the right to ask about masturbation- I guess- I just choose not to- sort of like I don't choose to look at my husband's email.

It also depends on what your boundaries are- because masturbation doesn't bother me, but my partner keeping his e mail passwords secret from me or his cell phone records I would have a problem with- especially if he'd just gotten caught cheating or was acting suspicious.

February 24, 2006

especially when it doesn't concern or affect the other person

Aha -- this is the key phrase. In situations where there's been infidelity, and someone is trying to regain trust, everything affects the hurt partner. Not thoughts and fantasies, or watching the cheater perform basic bathroom functions. But email use, phone use, passwords, etc? Yep, if that's what the hurt partner needs to gain trust, it must absolutely be available.

there's no question your were concerned or affected. of course you were! and of course you were hurt...but if you are willing to work this out, there has to be some compromise on your part too. the way you guys are right now, it seems like you can't both be happy at that same time.

he can't expect you to just look the other way and forget about it, but you can't expect him to enthusiastically hand over his pride every time you ask. even the most patient person would get sick of that quickly. yeah, i know, everyone thinks he should be willing and able to be at your beck and call with a smile on his face as he hands over his balls, but good luck trying to convince someone to think exactly the way you do and agree with each and every method of trust-building (or anything else.)

take the boy with the cookie jar; he gets caught by his mother. to ensure he steals no more cookies, she sits in the kitchen, guarding the cookie jar. she asks to smell his breath and check his shirt for crumbs. she demands to check his hands for chocolate chip residue. eventually, the mother realizes that she isn't keeping the kid from wanting cookies; she can only keep him from eating those cookies under her watch.

and the boy...well, he either gets tired of his mother's behavior and wishes she would understand that he doesn't even want the cookies anymore...

or his mother pushes him furthur to other people's cookie jars.

just keep in mind, even though you say you want to work it out, if it's not working for him, he has the right to say "this isn't working" and if you say "well it's the only way it will work" then it's....just not going to i guess.

February 24, 2006

but my partner keeping his e mail passwords secret from me or his cell phone records I would have a problem with- especially if he'd just gotten caught cheating or was acting suspicious.

see, i just have a whole problem with the idea of the "i need all your information act" that seems to come with some people's marriages.

why would i need my fiancee's email passwords? or phone records? i wouldn't. why would i share my school email passwords with him? or my voicemail?

i understand your point to a degree, but in reality, if you think you have a right to that information to check up someone "just in case", that to me doesn't scream "healthy, open, honest marriage!" it screams "don't mess with me because i will find out" and i just don't think healthy relationships thrive with that kind of message. i think it leads to problems, not fixes them

sometimes, people need space. they need their own interests. they need their privacy. why? because we are with ourselves alone far longer than we are with other people. sometimes, we need quiet, we need time to reflect without being imposed upon by other people's opinions, energy, and moods that they inevitably and unavoidably give off. that doesn't mean you are doing something bad.

i couldn't ever live that way. and i wouldn't expect anyone else to either.

February 24, 2006

but you can't expect him to enthusiastically hand over his pride every time you ask. even the most patient person would get sick of that quickly. yeah, i know, everyone thinks he should be willing and able to be at your beck and call with a smile on his face as he hands over his balls,

Why do you assume the spouse who insists on the open book philosophy is standing there with a whip and her man's balls in her hands, and that he is a whimpering, limp puppy? He made his choices.

If my husband doesn't want to share his private info, then he can piss off. That was one of our agreements. That doesn't mean I'm holding him by the short hairs and demeaning him daily. In fact, I haven't even checked his voice mail or email since D-day. You make it sound like BSs like me are stalking our spouses, reading every email, spending all our time obsessing about what they are doing every single minute. It's not like that. We ask for info, they provide it. There is no "every time you ask" situation unless passwords change all the time.

but good luck trying to convince someone to think exactly the way you do and agree with each and every method of trust-building (or anything else.)

What does this mean, anyway? I am amazed at the number of people on this website who get so bent about other peoples' opinions. Some posters here seem so fragile and threatened by things they disagree with.

February 24, 2006

just keep in mind, even though you say you want to work it out, if it's not working for him, he has the right to say "this isn't working" and if you say "well it's the only way it will work" then it's....just not going to i guess.

Do you really think you need to tell me this? I've been saying that all alone. I have my requirements, he can meet them or he can pack his crap and be gone.

February 24, 2006

but you can't expect him to enthusiastically hand over his pride every time you ask. even the most patient person would get sick of that quickly. yeah, i know, everyone thinks he should be willing and able to be at your beck and call with a smile on his face as he hands over his balls,

Why do you assume the spouse who insists on the open book philosophy is standing there with a whip and her man's balls in her hands, and that he is a whimpering, limp puppy? He made his choices.

If my husband doesn't want to share his private info, then he can piss off. That was one of our agreements. That doesn't mean I'm holding him by the short hairs and demeaning him daily. In fact, I haven't even checked his voice mail or email since D-day. You make it sound like BSs like me are stalking our spouses, reading every email, spending all our time obsessing about what they are doing every single minute. It's not like that. We ask for info, they provide it. There is no "every time you ask" situation unless passwords change all the time.

but good luck trying to convince someone to think exactly the way you do and agree with each and every method of trust-building (or anything else.)

What does this mean, anyway? I am amazed at the number of people on this website who get so bent about other peoples' opinions. Some posters here seem so fragile and threatened by things they disagree with.

i'm neither fragile nor threatened, and i don't want anyone to feel that way either. i wasn't trying to argue with you. my repsonses were more toward others who said everything has to be completely shared 100% of the time. you said you don't feel that way, so it wasn't aimed at you. it's not aimed AT anyone really, i just disagree with the concept. people can do what they like, but that means all people, which means compromising.

i respect everyone's opinion on this thread. we all have reasons why we feel the way we do. i don't think anyone is wrong at all, it's no one's place to say "how you feel is wrong."

i think what some of us were talking about got off-topic, and i apologize. we should have started a different thread.

i hope you get things worked out, for both you and your husband.

February 26, 2006

I don't get the "controlling" thing. I don't have sympathy for a cheater who feels "controlled." (A) YOU controlled the situation, unbeknownst to your spouse, for however long the affair went on; and (B) If you think that basic requests for sharing information = control, and you resent it, just get the h*ll out of the marriage.

But, didn't your husband already leave the marriage ten years ago? And, it took your acts of breaking who knows what laws/and or work policies to hack into his computer at work, in order to get evidence to bust him with? Why didn't you just look at the two of them when they were together, and tell they were having an affair? I'll tell ya, if my spouse were trying to read all my emails, take over my whole life because he's trying to save our marriage, I would personally write all kinds of bogus messages, etc just to throw him off! Then, I'd locate all my real communications equipment in a treehouse somewhere or something. This is my devious side talking here, half kidding, but you may take some hints of what I say. Girl, you couldn't control your husband for ten years, so there's no reason to think you can now.

February 27, 2006

I don't think I can control him, Castlegirl. (By the way, Are you not aware that adultery is also illegal? ) And I won't try. I'll simply find out if he's screwing around again. And if he can't control himself, I'm done. I am giving him one chance to unf*ck things. He fails, I'm gone. It's pretty simple. (shrug) But I will need to have proof before I can walk for good.

You seem so hostile. What gives? You want my husband or something?

February 27, 2006

I don't think I can control him, Castlegirl. (By the way, Are you not aware that adultery is also illegal? ) And I won't try. I'll simply find out if he's screwing around again. And if he can't control himself, I'm done. I am giving him one chance to unf*ck things. He fails, I'm gone. It's pretty simple. (shrug) But I will need to have proof before I can walk for good.
You seem so hostile. What gives? You want my husband or something?

Yes, in some places adultery is "illegal." And in Arkansas, a man can beat his wife, but only once a month-in Michigan, a wife cannot cut her hair without her husband's permission.

I dare YOU to haul your husband into court for adultery and tell the judge he got away with it for ten years too! :laugh: But misappropriation of company time and equipment, corporate espionage, falsifying corporate records or whatever else you had to pull to "bust" your spouse and his girlfriend...those charges can stick. Think about that.

It takes a mighty hostile wife to lose sight of propriety. Me, hostile? Nah, I used to be so I'm just saying don't get yourself in trouble just because your husband didn't care if he got in trouble, and you're so full of anger that you cant see straight. Keep your own nose clean, you'll have less worries, thats all I'm trying to tell you.

Thanks for offering your husband but I don't want him. I'll let you know if I find anyone whos interested though.

-some of us have been there, done that, didn't learn went back did it again-

February 27, 2006

i understand your point to a degree, but in reality, if you think you have a right to that information to check up someone "just in case", that to me doesn't scream "healthy, open, honest marriage!" it screams "don't mess with me because i will find out" and i just don't think healthy relationships thrive with that kind of message. i think it leads to problems, not fixes them

sometimes, people need space. they need their own interests. they need their privacy. why? because we are with ourselves alone far longer than we are with other people. sometimes, we need quiet, we need time to reflect without being imposed upon by other people's opinions, energy, and moods that they inevitably and unavoidably give off. that doesn't mean you are doing something bad.

I see your point, and I didn't used to feel this way until a couple of things happened.

-I'm older and wiser than I once was when I was married the first time.

-I had a A- and saw how easy it was to hide it and get away with it for a time.

-I've been reading on LS and MB and can see what can happen in even the happiest of marriages.

When I was younger, I trusted my first husband completely. Then, reality hit in as all of my friends marriages except one ended in infidelity- and I saw how fragile marriage really can be when I had my A.

I trust my husband now, but I will never trust him more than I trust my own instinct. If he has nothing to hide, then he shouldn't care that I have the information. I don't use it, though. Sometimes he will say- did you read that e mail from so and so? And I'm like, no, I don't check your e mail.

I totally agree that people need time to themselves and we give each other that. Yet, if part of his time to himself includes surfing the net to chat with women on Adult Friend finder or some kind of crap like that then that is another deal altogether.

I'm not sure what more open and honest you can be that to say, here, honey, here is all of my passwords and such and you can check them at anytime???

February 28, 2006

I wouldn't haul him into court any sooner than he would haul me into court for breaking wire tap and privacy laws. "Excuse me officer - could you arrest my wife for taping my phone conversations while I talked to my OW?"

Sorry that you think I'm so angry, but I'm doing quite well, if I say so myself. You sound very bitter and angry, yourself. I hope things turn around for you.

Let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on. It seems you like me or have a girl crush on me, the way you follow me around and insist on being so cross with me. It's cute, really.

Peace and love,

CHUMP

February 28, 2006

I wouldn't haul him into court any sooner than he would haul me into court for breaking wire tap and privacy laws. "Excuse me officer - could you arrest my wife for taping my phone conversations while I talked to my OW?"
Sorry that you think I'm so angry, but I'm doing quite well, if I say so myself. You sound very bitter and angry, yourself. I hope things turn around for you.

Let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on. It seems you like me or have a girl crush on me, the way you follow me around and insist on being so cross with me. It's cute, really.
Peace and love,
CHUMP

Maybe your H won't haul you into court-yet-but think about your employer. Would they haul you into court? Or, are you one of those people who think you can do whatever you wish? Am I angry? Nope, but it looks like you are and you have reason to be, since your husband wanted another woman and not you. But it isn't the fault of anyone on this board that he isn't satisfied by you. You really need to wake up. You should be spending more time working on your marriage and less time blaming people on the web who have nothing to do with your failed marriage.

February 28, 2006

Maybe your H won't haul you into court-yet-but think about your employer. Would they haul you into court? Or, are you one of those people who think you can do whatever you wish? Am I angry? Nope, but it looks like you are and you have reason to be, since your husband wanted another woman and not you. But it isn't the fault of anyone on this board that he isn't satisfied by you. You really need to wake up. You should be spending more time working on your marriage and less time blaming people on the web who have nothing to do with your failed marriage.

Look, there is no reason to be nasty like that. What exactly is your problem with Chump?? She came here looking for help. She's done no more or no less than many other BS in her same position.

I have a feeling that you were at one time the OW so you take issue with her tactics. When it comes right down to it though, most people will do whatever it takes to save their marriage and confirm what their spouse is up to- including taping or cracking e mail or whatever. Whatever it takes. That's only human.

Just because her husband cheated doesn't mean there is anything wrong with her. Many people cheat when their spouses have done nothing. It's likely that many OW have heard the story that the MM's wife is terrible or whatever, but usually that's not the case at all.

I'm not bashing you because I've been the OW myself but I'm not sure what the pissing match is about here?

February 28, 2006

I'm not sure what the pissing match is about here?

Neither am I. Maybe you could enlighten us, Castle?

And yes, Castle, you really are very angry. How can you deny that, with your inappropriate and bizarre attacks and allegations -- none of which make any sense?

In fact, you are so angry that might even stroke out. You really don't want to be sitting around drooling and having someone wipe your butt, do you? Maybe you should take a break from this place. Apparently it really riles you.

What is your story, anyway? BS? OW? Mommy and daddy no lovey you? What is the root cause of your rabid anger, honey child? Why do you loathe me so? Are you my husband's dumped OW?

Peace and love,

CHUMP

February 28, 2006

Let me know if you need a shoulder to cry on. It seems you like me or have a girl crush on me, the way you follow me around and insist on being so cross with me. It's cute, really.

:lmao:

this may not be the place for humor, but THAT has funny

February 28, 2006

It's easier (and probably, in the long run, healthier for us) to take out our frustrations (and who here isn't frustrated?!) on strangers than on our SO. Maybe they should rename the site VentShack.

D

March 1, 2006

I'm not sure what the pissing match is about here?

Neither am I. Maybe you could enlighten us, Castle?

And yes, Castle, you really are very angry. How can you deny that, with your inappropriate and bizarre attacks and allegations -- none of which make any sense?

In fact, you are so angry that might even stroke out. You really don't want to be sitting around drooling and having someone wipe your butt, do you? Maybe you should take a break from this place. Apparently it really riles you.

What is your story, anyway? BS? OW? Mommy and daddy no lovey you? What is the root cause of your rabid anger, honey child? Why do you loathe me so? Are you my husband's dumped OW?

Peace and love,

CHUMP

Sometimes they come here and vent their frustrations about their MM's not leaving their wives.

People in general come here for help with their problems and I would hope that is what she comes here for.

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