Madeleine Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I just want someone to talk to, i am in such a dreadful state right now. I am in a fantastic relationship with a truly wonderful man who treats me like a princess. BUT - I am having massive difficulties getting over my past. Just when i think i've dealt with one thing and i start to feel ok, something else pops up and i hit rock bottom again. I feel like i'm on an emotional rollercoaster, i swing from euphoric highs to suicidal lows within hours of each other. My past - i was married for almost 19 years. (I left him 9 months ago) He was physically, emotionally, verbally and sexually abusive throughout our entire marriage. He was controlling, manipulative and cruel. I found it extremely hard to leave, the guilt almost destroyed me. He took everything from me, he took my home, everything i'd worked for and built up over 20 years, he even took my cat. All i had to show for 20 years of my life were the clothes i was wearing on the day i left. Thoughts keep coming to me, things that happened in my past, things that i hadn't thought about in years, things i had quite literally forgotten. Like for some reason, the other week, i suddenly remembered how my ex husband had blamed me for losing his baby after i had a miscarriage. This happened 10years ago and i had completely forgotten about it until recently. Why on earth did that come back and haunt me after so long? I can't sleep at night. I can't eat. I'm drinking way too much. I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. All i want to do is get up, go to work, come home, get drunk, go to bed. I actually have a nice life now, i have a nice new home with lots of nice things in it. I have a nice boyfriend, great friends and family and a good job. I should be happy but i keep breaking down and crying. One minute i'm all smiles and happiness, the next i'm in floods of tears. My past is haunting me and i'm scared.
kjcrimson3 Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Maybe you're tired? I've been tired lately, and the most minute problems have made me miserable. Also, maybe start pursuing some extra-curricular activity...become an avid 'fitness person', or do something that would allow you to pour your stress out onto that particular hobby or interest. Just suggestsions -- Good luck.
catgirl1927 Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Are you in therapy? Therapy really, really works. You've been through a lot, don't feel like you shouldn't have help. Most people aren't strong enough to live through what you have and come out at the end as healthy as you seem. Do you have health insurance? What a sicko, to keep your cat.
littlepiggy1 Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Definitely look into counseling. It sounds like you have a hell of a lot to sort through, and you need to start somewhere. Best of luck to you. *hugs*
Author Madeleine Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 I'm in the UK so health insurance doesn't apply, i wouldn't have to pay for counselling. Maybe i should consider going to see my doctor. I thought i could cope with it but i just feel so weak.
Walk Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I'm not expert on this, so take it with a grain of salt, but sounds like post traumatic stress disorder... or maybe a variation of something like that. It would really help you if you were able to have someone confidential to talk to. Just to be able to spew your guts of this bile, and know that person isn't going to judge you, or think any less of you. It really helped me after my marriage. And I didn't go through half of what you did. I've been divorced 3 years now, and at first it was terrible. Constant thoughts, memories, all the time. I felt like two people trapped in one body. The me I was trying to be, wanted to be, and the me lived in the past. I stood in the grocery store one day staring at spaghetti sauce for like 20 minutes because it seemed like I had to go home to my husband (because that's what I knew.. 10 years of that) or if my new life was the real life. It was just really odd. I didn't describe it very well. There's going to be a lot of really rough times for you coming up still. You need to be less judgemental of yourself. More forgiving. Take the time you need now to deal with these issues. Talk to a counselor, or a priest, someone you trust. It does help. And remind yourself of the wonderfully strong beautiful woman you are today.
blind_otter Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I can't sleep at night. I can't eat. I'm drinking way too much. I don't want to see anyone, speak to anyone, go anywhere or do anything. All i want to do is get up, go to work, come home, get drunk, go to bed. I actually have a nice life now, i have a nice new home with lots of nice things in it. I have a nice boyfriend, great friends and family and a good job. I should be happy but i keep breaking down and crying. One minute i'm all smiles and happiness, the next i'm in floods of tears. My past is haunting me and i'm scared. You're describing the classic symptoms of PTSD. If you don't feel ready for counseling, I HIGHLY recommend a book called "I Can't Get Over It" by Dr. Aphrodite Matsakis. Even if you are reluctant to start counseling (I find it difficult myself, and I was diagnosed with PTSD several years ago) -- at least borrow it from your local library or buy it, it will help you understand what you're going through right now. Usually these feelings are too much to deal with at the time of the trauma(s) and you naturally sublimate them in order to survive. Eventually, as stability returns to your life, your mind sort of slowly releases these feelings because you DO eventually have to work through them. It makes sense to me that, in the context of a stable, loving relationship you now feel safe enough to deal with your past. This is a natural reaction to a very unnatural situation (your traumatic past). I wish you loads of good luck and I'll say a prayer for you!!
catgirl1927 Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 You are NOT weak. You are VERY strong. Asking for help is a lot harder than just swallowing and hiding your pain. You're going to be fine. Therapy is AWESOME and will be so much help.
Mary3 Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 As a former survivor of emotional abuse I can tell you it sounds like you are suffering from depression. Not eating . Not caring . Drinking to escape . I could have wrote your post with some similarity. I too left with just the clothes on my back , walking away from a new home I helped purchase. But for 8 years I have been free and alive and most if not ALL of the posessions have been replaced. I actually have nicer things purchasing them on my own. Things that don't get damaged when someone throws a hissy fit. Gawd thats nice I would suggest you tell your doctor and he will recommend the proper course of treatment. Good Luck
Author Madeleine Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 Just a little update. I saw my Doctor today and he arranged for a counsellor to visit me at my home within an hour and a half of me leaving his surgery. I was astounded. I spoke with the counsellor at length and she has arranged for me to have as much further counselling as i need and has given me medication to help me deal with things in a more rational fashion. I feel much more positive this evening. Thankyou for your good wishes, and thankyou for being here for me last night when i felt so terribly low. Maddy.
Becoming Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 Yeah, Maddy! You are a survivor of a horrible past, a strong woman who did what she had to do to live. But you had to stuff all of the scary emotions back into the recesses of your mind just to keep going. Now that things are peaceful, your emotions sense it's safe enough for you to be able to deal with all these things. But it really is confusing because at last you're in a place in your life where you could be happy, and find yourself depressed. I'm glad you're getting help. It may take awhile to sort through everything you've been through. Be patient with yourself and do get therapy. The meds can help you face the grief at losing so much of your life.
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