skeptik224 Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 My break-up story isn't worth going into anymore but it's posted on here somewhere. Anyway, my ex moved 2 blocks from where I work. On my way in this morning, guess who was crossing the street? Yep...her..the evil one! All of these emotions flooded me...I got all sweaty, my heart going crazy and I couldn't breath. When she walked across, I honked. She stared at me for a 2nd, waved and kept walking. I'm like WTF? I rolled down the window and said "what, you can't stop to say hi?" She said she'd call me but was late for the bus. f*** her! She called about 10 minutes later (as I'm yelling at one of my friends about her). She left a message saying that she was running late. She didn't recognize me in my car. I bought a new one a few months back. She said that she didn't know anyone who drove a car as nice as mine. She was glad that I have personalized plates. She said she was just used to me being in my old car. Anyway, it's been 2 months since we last saw each other - when we kissed. It's been 2 weeks since our last e-mail contact. I just don't know what to do...Do I call her? Ignore her? Why do I care? I hate her for letting me love her as much as I do! I hate the fact that I still do love her and have these expectations of her. She seemed so fricking happy!! I hate that I'm sitting here sad and crying while she's off happy as a pig in s***..... Help...I think I'm going to explode
salmagundi Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Hey skeptik, I recognize that resigned tone of yours, that «nobody honestly a **** about this situation anymore so why do I still...?» Are you still in some kind of limbo? I mean, have you guys been definitive about it being over or are you still living in a kind of «maybe we'll still get back together again...maybe this'll still work out» kind of limbo? Cause that will kill you. Me and Virginie finally had a great talk where we said to hell with us, to hell with all the back and forth, lets just be over because we're only doing both of our heads in (mine especially). That hurt for a couple of weeks, esp because (you have an idea of what we're like) after we said its over forever we hung out and talked and laughed and joked for the rest of the afternoon. After that I felt like **** for two weeks straight and then I simply renounced being in love with her as stupid and futile. Love is a heavy stone to carry alone so I put it down. It did me a world of good and it almost was as conscious a decision as that. The physical attractionis another matter but since we've gotten the relationship out of our system we've had a couple of well...grope sessions afterward and even that seems to work ok. Because we are both (and me esp.) freed of expectations. I guess I mean that at a certain point getting over someone requires not just passive waiting for time to pass and distance to work things out for you. It takes an active decision to put down the heavy stone. When youère ready to decide, you have to decide...to become master of your own emotions again like you and I both were before we met our respective ex's. I dont know if this helps...and I know that everything you describe feeling, I still feel too. Right now we can still hang out, be friends and even fool around a bit because we are both still single...I know if she hooks up with someone before I leave for the summer all this newfound composure of mine goes right out the window.... So...I dunno...I feel what you're feeling. You've felt it before and gotten over it. You'll get over it again. You know you will, you just have to wait...and you have to decide. That its over. take care, salmagundi
notmakingsense Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 That was a great post salmagundi! Living in Limbo is pure hell from my standpoint. I was living in limbo for months towards the end of my last relationship. That was just awful to bear internally while trying to maintain a strong exterior. Once I finally let go and decided it was over, things started to get better and sanity started to return.... Of course, I blew it when she contacted me after 3 months of NC. Guess what... the limbo and pain associated with it returned immediately. Now I have to start my healing all over again... Bottom line -- try to get yourself to the point where YOU have decided it won't work.
TeaCooler Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 honestly, skeptik....just move on. she wants you to. you are not going to be with her anymore. don't torture yourself. it's not worth it. good luck.
Curmudgeon Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 But did you back up over her again just to make sure you really got her? With all that hatred you expressed, I'd just let it, and her, go.
Author skeptik224 Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 Thanks for all the advice. I ended up calling her back about 1 1/2 hours after she called. I wanted to make sure I didn't show any negative emotions. We had a general, basic conversation about family, friends and work. We talked for about 10 minutes. When there was a lull in conversation, I ended it first. (I've learned that on LS) I think that you're right, once I relieve myself of any expectations I may have of her, i'll be in a better space. It's just hard. When I start getting ahead of the game, something happens to knock me back down. (i.e. an e-mail from her) Tea - It doesn't matter whether "she" wants me to let her go - "I" need to let her go. I know that she does want to be friends, bur honestly, I don't even want that with her. She said she'd wait as long as she'd have to - I guess she's got forever to wait for:) Cur - Yes, I do have a TON of anger - enough for both of us. It's weird because I've NEVER experienced anger in a relationship before. I usually skip that step - for reasons within myself that I've been working on. I don't wish her any negativity but if I didn't like my car that much, I just may have backed up over her. Sal - You hit home with a lot of things you've said. Kelly and I have not had that "closure" talk that you and Virginie did. I will not bring it up to Kelly - she'd have to be the one to do that. I don't think she will though. She'd rather just keep moving on from partner to partner as opposed to dealing with relationship issues. She said awhile ago that she got scared and ran. Well, she's only running from herself. It'll catch up to her one day, but it'll be too late. I need to just not care anymore and not have expectations. I keep telling myself that I deserve better, and I know I do. Kelly and I did have a talk about 2 months ago as far as the going back/forth. We couldn't come to an agreement as you know which is why I'm where I'm at. I have no problem with NC at all, either. It's just hard to move past this. I've got so much on my plate right now - she should be the last thing on my mind - but you're right...love is a heavy stone.
CaliGuy Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 When you say something like "What, you can't say hi?" all your doing is reaffirming you need her approval. I was stewing on Tuesday wondering why the Ex hadn't called or emailed me a birthday greeting. Then I thought "Because she doesn't care, you bozo, nor should you care about her!" If I had called my Ex and asked her why she didn't, it would only be affirming to her that I need her approval and that my life revolves around her. NC is a wonderful tool to heal. Use it.
TeaCooler Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Tea - It doesn't matter whether "she" wants me to let her go - "I" need to let her go. i disagree that it doesn't matter that she wants you to let her go. the sooner you realize that, the sooner you will able to move on and you will be able let her go, which, yes, you need to do. the first thing cali guy said is right on.
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