WinkieWink Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 HELP! My husband and best friend hate each other! She doesnt like him (because he has strayed in the past) and he doesnt like her because she gives me advice about our marriage. (He knows I talk to her) Maybe she shouldnt, but she is my BEST friend, I tell her a lot and vice versa. After talking with her, I am holding my head high, feeling really good about my self (still getting over affair) and I dont think my husband likes that. I think he wants me to feel insecure about myslef. Does that make any sense? They dont fight or anything, they just dont talk. Just a hi and good bye. What can I do so we can all hang out?
Ladyjane14 Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Whew!!! I initially read that as "My boyfriend and husband hate each other":laugh: :laugh: I don't know about you....but I would prioritize my husband's feelings (within reason, of course) and ask my best friend to support me on that. It's nice that your friend wants to show you that she's 'on your side'...but you made a conscious decsion to reconcile with your husband. That means that the adversarial quality of your marital relationship has ended, right? In effect, there should no longer be a "his side" or "her side"....there should only be ONE side. If your friend is undermining that in any way. You need to let her know.
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I know LJ, I thought the exact samething! BF around here usually means boyfriend! I think you need to keep things between you and your husband, your bestfriend should respect that too. If you two are having problems with his past affair and you feel it is still an issue then go to marriage counselling. Your friend will NOT be able to give you advice without her true feelings involved. She is protective of you, that is what bestfriends do. But, bf's are also supposed to NOT ruin a marriage and make you question your husbands efforts either. Your H doesn't have to be part of her life. You can spend one on one time with her without him. And those few times they are in the same room, they can be pleasent to eachother. I don't like one of my friend's husband but I keep that to myself because it serves no purpose in telling her I think he's an idiot. It's her life, she's happy. You can't force them to hang out because that is what you want. It isn't going to happen, so just enjoy your time with her alone.
bab Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I also thought BF=boyfriend!! I agree with LJ and WWIU, you need to let your best friend know that you've made your decision to stay with your husband, and she must respect that. Don't entertain discussions berating your husband. Cut them off at the pass. She'll eventually get the idea.
Presario Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 WinkieWink, my wife was in a similar situation as you: she had a guy friend for nearly a year and a husband unhappy about their friendship. They would talk many hours a day, which drove me crazy, because I would get little attention from her. We had many fights because I wanted her to spend more time with me, and felt insecure with this guy around. Yet, she maintained and protected their friendship. I must say that their friendship did some damage in our marriage. Luckily, their friendship seems to be over. They work together and this guy has been humiliating her publicly for some time for minor political reasons. The surprising thing is that he gains little or nothing at work this way. My wife is hurt and surprised he turned out that way. He knows how much she fought for their relationship, but he trashed it for a little reason. I guess that now my wife feels foolish. The same may happen to you: your best friend may turn her back on you, but your husband will stay. Who do you care for more?
whichwayisup Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Close friendships with a guy when you're married just brings on another headache...Not the same kind that a bestfriend causes.
carmaenforcer Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Wow. Ladyjane14, I love what you said about "there should no longer be a "his side" or "her side"....there should only be ONE side." That's what I think as well. My Wife's Best Friend and I get along just great but for a time she also undermined our relationship. I saw it coming a mile away because she made some comments when we announced our engagement that lead me to believe that she wasn't too happy that her friend was getting married. You see my Wife's BF (Best Friend not Boy Friend ) later explained that she had another friend that got married and they lost touch of each other after that and so I think she was afraid that would happen in this case. My Wife's BF would egg her on when we had arguments, invite her to hang out with guy friends she knew I had issue with and had asked my then Girl Friend not to hang out with. And the night right before our wedding day, we had a huge argument where I wanted to break off the wedding and her BF had a look on her face like she couldn't be happier. Earlier that day during rehearsal my then fiancée made a joke, saying "what if I get cold feet and don't want to go through with it", and her BF said, "don't".... Later my fiancée apologized to me for what she did to make me want to call off the wedding and told me that it was her BF that had egged her on to come bug me in my hotel room because she was telling her that we probably had a stripper there. Not true we weren't even drinking because I didn't want to get messed up before the wedding and we were just watching sports center, but her BF filled her head with crap and had her checking up on us the entire night. Another one of my W's girl friends told her to watch out for this girl because it seemed as if she might be the cause of a lot of our arguments. I hold no grudges and still kick it just fine with the girl, I don't appreciate her meddling and trying to sabotage our relationship, but I am also of the belief that my W's love for me should withstand any interference and it's her job to ignore or reject anything that might cause harm to our happiness.
RecordProducer Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Well the friend wants the best for you and in her eyes the affair is a huge sin (would be in mine too). Your husband wants you to simply forgive and forget about the affair and your friend is not working in his favor. They are natural enemies. I think you can't all hang out. Keep the friend if she makes you feel better in any case.
Kenyth Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 You can't make other people get along or fix other peoples relationships. It's almost always a losing battle. You'll have to live with them disliking each other. He's not demanding you don't see her anymore, so it shouldn't be a big deal.
Bob Dole Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 You won't be hanging out. And probably shouldn't be. This is a tough one. Your best friend SHOULD despise your husband for what he did to you - that's a best friend's job. And its not exactly surprising that your husband doesn't like her: you're sharing his intimate details with someone he knows dislikes him. Plus, he's (hopefully) embarassed and ashamed about what he did. No way in Hell you'll all be "hanging out." Ever. And eventually this will come to a head - and you'll have to choose. Let it keep going like this and you'll lose your marriage. Time to pick a priority and stick with it. No way you can salvage a marriage by finding support from someone who doesn't like your husband. Want a best friend? Great. Hang out together, go to lunch, go to the movies. But if you want to share the intensely personal details of your marriage with someone, go find a counselor.
KonRyuu Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 I know EXACTLY how he feels. It's not that he wants you to feel insecure, it's that he feels threatened. A marriage is supposed to be between a wife and a husband, no friends or family involved, no matter what, trust me, it just compounds the problem even more and leads to anger and resentment. If you need someone to talk to, speak to a marriage counselor. You see, your husband probably loves you and feels that your friend is a HUGE threat to yours and his marriage, I know, because that's how I felt when my wife told her friends things, especially after we agreed to leave friends and family out, we just got into a huge argument over it as a matter of fact like 3 days ago, lol. Never had an affair, but my wife's sister and her husband had that problem, now they are inseparable, believe me, all is not lost, just give it time. go to church, see a marriage counselor, it helps, eventually, you'll learn what my wife and I direly need to learn, which is.........COMMUNICATION!
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