KonRyuu Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Let's see, I'm 19 years old and married, yes, I know, I'm stupid, too late now though. Anyway, can anyone suggest something for this issue? I currently work the Front Desk at a hotel, my wife doesn't work period, yet she complains of our money problems and how I need to get a better job, I say ok, so I find a job that pays $25 an hr. and will take me only about 2 weeks to get. Problem is, for those two weeks, I have to work my normal job and then when I get home, I have to spend about 4 hrs. a day working on getting the other. She complains about this, I hardly get any time with you now and you wanna go and do this? and bladaa blee bladee blah. I've also recommended me becoming an X-Ray Technician, only 2 years of college required and the pay is great. She complains about that too. You're gonna go to college and work at the same time? I'll really get no time with you. I try telling her, that it's only temporary and it's for the best, especially because we both want to have kids. She says, you don't love me anymore, I can see that now, it's obvious, you're looking for every reason in the book to not be around me. That's just some of our issues, anybody have suggestions?
AlmostMarried77 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 How long have you been married? Sounds like its still very early days, not just in the marriage but also in the relationship and you both need some time for things to settle. By then she won't be quite so possesive over your time
barfool Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 It sounds like you two have too much for just some posts on here to help. You guys need marriage counseling if you want it to last. What would help more, though, is some maturity at least on her part (don't know about you).
Author KonRyuu Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 We will have been married for 1 year as of May 23rd. I definately agree, not only does she need to mature out, but I also have my flaws that I need to work on. What would you suggest about this? Ok, there is a girl here that I work with, she is 23 and her fiance is like 25. I thought it would be a nice gesture, seeming how my wife doesn't really have many friends where we live, to invite her and her fiance over to hang out, maybe go camping together or something, because we spend way too much time together alone and I think we need to have friends, if not our own then friends we can hang out with together. So my wife talks to someone from a group home that she grew up in and this girl I guess told my wife, "If he's talking to a girl a work, it's probably about more than just work." suggesting that I am cheating on my wife, which is rediculous. Any insight on this?
michelangelo Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 So what does she do with her time if she is not working? Sit around and worry about what you are doing? Meanwhile, you two need more money to live on. You need a real heart-to-heart discussion on the expectations of your marriage. If you are both so young you need to do something to improve your finances. College is a reasonable way to do that. I worked 40 hours a week and atttended college full time and was married in my early 20s. Was it hard? You bet! Did my wife have to adjust to the time pressures? Of course! She also was working and attending college too. If you do not invest in your future now all you have ahead of you is a life of joe jobs and poverty. And get this princess off her tush and into a job! you even found potential friends for her and she is maad? wow!
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Yep. She needs either a job or to go to school, to keep herself occupied and help her to mature more. You know what they say about idle minds...the devil's playground.... I'd also recommend marriage counseling if you're both serious about making it work.
reservoirdog1 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Jesus, tell her to get off her ass and get a job. Until then, she has no right to complain about your income, or to take issue with your efforts to better yourself so as to improve your income. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership. You didn't marry a sponge. Time for her to start pulling her weight and actually making a contribution.
Author KonRyuu Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 She's getting on SSI, they've approved her, we're just waiting on the mula. With her problems, she has really bad panic attacks, and severe asthma, the two do not mix. She WAS working at Denny's about a month ago, on the graveyard shift, making pretty damn good money about $80-$90 a night in tips + her hrly. wage and it was only her first week there. One night, I was coming by to see her on New Years, she didn't see me, I noticed that she was starting to get a little fidgity, and looked like she was having trouble breathing, I overheard her asking her boss if it were alright that she took a couple second break outside to get some fresh air and her boss freaked out on her, so she quit. We're still in the process of trying to sue Denny's Corporation. What does she do with her time all day? sits at home, reads, writes, sings, and goes absolutely crazy. I told her that she needs to get out and be with friends, but all her close friends live 30 mins away. and she has no license and I need the car for work each day, which also makes it really hard for her to work, because she has no reliable means of transportation and we have no city bus that comes to where we are, that would require a 30 min. walk for her there and back. So I am working on getting a job which pays $25 an hr. but first, I need my computer which will be arriving shortly and about 2-4 weeks. We can most definately survive off of $4,000 a month, considering we're surviving off of $1280 a month right now in California, which I don't have any clue how we are managing that. with more money also, I will be able to buy her a second car for an anniversary present. Anyway, about the who friends thing, I have no idea what stick was up her butt, but recently in the past couple of weeks, she's turned angry and has had a lot of malice towards me, she blames it all on me and says that it's because I don't spend enough quality time with her even though we've been spending about 4 hrs. a night writing a book together, going on walks, etc... She freaked out on me for watching a movie that I had to return the next day. I said, why not watch it with me? her reply was, because I hate movies, so I have no idea what to do in that situation, I'm not going to give up everything I enjoy in my life to make her happy, ya know?
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 honey she needs to work. Period. I could qualify for SSDI, too, but I would feel like a ridiculous sponge because there are many who absolutely cannot physically work who NEED that money. She can get treatment for both her asthma and her panic/anxiety disorder. I had a subacute seizure cluster in 2003 that left me with permanent brain damage. I had to re-learn how to walk, talk, bathe myself, go to the bathroom by myself, write, type -- I did it. Now I work full time and take care of myself as I got divorced from the man I was married to when I was disabled. She is going crazy and taking it out on you because she has too damn much time on her hands. IMO.
michelangelo Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 she is playing a game with you either on purpose or not consciously. She definitely has mental problems that are not addressed yet. BTW, she can still work. Maybe nightshift as a waitress is not the best. Could she even get a job at a hallmark store? Or something really low key like stocking books at a bookstore?
a4a Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 honey she needs to work. Period. I could qualify for SSDI, too, but I would feel like a ridiculous sponge because there are many who absolutely cannot physically work who NEED that money. She can get treatment for both her asthma and her panic/anxiety disorder. I had a subacute seizure cluster in 2003 that left me with permanent brain damage. I had to re-learn how to walk, talk, bathe myself, go to the bathroom by myself, write, type -- I did it. Now I work full time and take care of myself as I got divorced from the man I was married to when I was disabled. She is going crazy and taking it out on you because she has too damn much time on her hands. IMO. I would have to agree with you Bot. Hell I had no idea that you could even collect $ for such issues???
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I would have to agree with you Bot. Hell I had no idea that you could even collect $ for such issues??? When I was disabled, doctors and just random people kept trying to tell me to get SSDI. If I had done that I would never have had the motivation to get better like I did. I would still be sitting at home on 50 different medications wondering why I didn't understand english any more. IMO there is a part of the healthcare industry that tries to make people dependent like that.
a4a Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 hell I got a friend who just had 2 back surgeries....one major.....they just shipped her ass to the sandbox (Iraq). I don't get it. I am so screwed right now because of my back but still manage to do what needs to be done......although not enough... but its winter so construction is on hold right now........see and feel my guilt!
Author KonRyuu Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 well, she does plan on working, but a different kind of work, entertainment. She wants to be a singer, and she has the talent, next year, my sister is going to pay for us to go to Las Vegas so she can go on American Idol. If she gets a career out of this, then obviously I won't work, only reason being as we agreed that it would be too much time spent apart for our marriage to really work out, so if she does get it, I will tour with her.
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 So she is not able to work in a restaurant but somehow will be able to sing professionally? I hate to say this, but my Father always told me to have a "fallback" profession, to go ahead and get an education that can serve as a realistic type of employment just in case things don't go the magical way that you hope. And it really is good advice.
Becoming Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 You mentioned something about a group home where she grew up. Was she abandoned as a child? Her behavior sounds normal from that perspective if that's the case. She doesn't have any sense of what normal is in an intimate relationship. Yet she's always dreamed of having one and has a lot of unrealistic expectations as a result of having been deprived as a child. You are her every hope and dream come true and she is afraid you, too, will go away. She will need constant reassurance and understanding from you. That being said, please understand that I am in no way suggesting that you contort your life to fit her unrealistic expectations. You do need to get training to get a good job, and yes, life is hard. Real hard. You're not the only one who needs to work to make this marriage work. Though I am assuming she is the one cooking, cleaning, planning, paying bills, etc., she needs a part-time job just to be with people, and you may need to move or find a job where you can share the care or something to make that happen. She could babysit to earn some income and help others out, volunteer, whatever. All this alone time is forcing her to have to deal with a lot of painful feelings, and she probably doesn't have the inner resources to do that, so she's looking to you to take care of everything, which isn't fair. Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com for really great stuff I sure wish we'd known when we got married. It'll help you both, and you can sit down and work on the stuff together. There she can see that 15-20 hrs. a week is realistic together time. You can take the emotional needs inventory and compare notes. It's really helpful. Then if all these problems persist after 6 mths - year, you can consider marriage counseling. Even though you're young, if you're both willing to grow together, it can work out. But do get the education you need now before even thinking about having children.
BeFree Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 YOU NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL. SHE NEEDS TO WORK. If she can't work then she needs to go to do something. She is WRONG to try and keep you from working and going to school. AMERICAN IDOL???? you are not actually going to bank on that are you???? What are the chances? You need to go to school. You have your whole life to have kids and spend time with them. take this 4-5 years to work you butt off and then you can think about having kids. she would be extremely selfish to keep you from being successful.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Is this one of those work from home jobs where you have to purchase a certain computer. No offense hon, but alot of those jobs are scams. I'd be really careful about that. Bot is right, she needs to work. Unfortunately, Denny's had every right to terminate her if she couldn't adhere to the conditions of the job, and it sounds like she couldn't. That doesn't seem fair I know, but it's probably not possible for her to sue. Could she babysit to bring in some income??
Author KonRyuu Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Actually they hired her, knowing fully that she had asthma, which means that they can be sued, we talked to welfare about this. Anyway, ever heard of perverted justice? where you catch online pedafiles? They appeared on Dateline 3 times now. Well, I'm going to be catching pedafiles online, I will be working with FBI/Police one or the other I'm not sure yet. it pays $25 an hr. I also already have my welding certification and have taken Auto Mechanics in College, only problem is, there is nothing to do with welding where we live, and we really don't want to move anywhere for a while, because where we live is a great place, low crime and everything to raise children.
Ladyjane14 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Actually they hired her, knowing fully that she had asthma, which means that they can be sued, we talked to welfare about this. So, let me get this straight....these people provided your wife with gainful employment...and because they did....they deserve to be sued??? You know, you get out of life what you put into it. If y'all are just laying around waiting for your ship to come in...you've got a long-ass wait just laying around broke waiting for your ship to come in. You want to be married and grown up. Then damn man...BE MARRIED AND GROWN UP. Life ain't a game. You don't get do-overs. Both you and your wife ought to be working and going to school. You've said you want a family some day. Well, how the hell do you plan on taking care of one? If your plan is to work a sh*t job for the forseeable future while your wife sucks the government teat and waits for American Idol to call.....you need to get a NEW PLAN. Furthermore, I don't see how your wife is going to handle the physical challenge of pregnancy and childbirth if she's so disabled she can't hold a job. I hope y'all are mindful of using your birthcontrol. It doesn't sound like you two can take care of yourselves yet....let alone any little ones.
hooghie Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 She can work in the mean time KonRyuu. It's better for both of you. She will be busy and have something to do- it will definitely help her. It will help both of you financially and it will help take some of the pressure off of YOU. I understand she has some issues so I don't mean to be insensitive, but seriously...we all have SOME issues and like BO said- she can sing, but not work in anything else? Waitressing is stressful and may not be the best thing for her, but there are tons of other things she can do. I am so sick of women (my own gender) expecting the man to pay their way and do everything.
michelangelo Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Blind otter is right. While the professional wet dream is really exciting escapism from real life. A Vegas singer sounds cool! But if she can't handle Denny's imagine working a room in glitter gulch. Get the job, enroll in college, applying for financial aide for school. Graduate in a degree program that will advance the dream. Sitting around criticizing your husband who vrings in all the cash is not a healthy way to grow and move to fulfilment of goals.
Author KonRyuu Posted February 25, 2006 Author Posted February 25, 2006 No, you see, the point to the whole suing thing is because, could you imagine if my wife had died from an asthma attack? [FONT=Times New Roman]She has what’s called, acute silent asthma, which is a very dangerous form of asthma. And when you’re working in a dangerous environment such as the grease from cooking that gets into the air and then into your lungs, now, when a job hires somebody knowing of existing conditions and knows that there are things going on in the job which may irritate that problem, they leave themselves open to law suit. [/FONT][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]One of the other girls that used to work there, quit because she was pregnant, passed out one day while working, but they made her stay and work anyway, also leaves themselves open for law suit. I am working, I have gone to college and I plan to go back, but when struggling, it’s a little hard to go to school and pay bills at the same time. It’s hard to get back into school, because it means that I have to save up for cost of books, classes, and all that stuff, money that will take some time to save up, it’s close to $1,000. [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]She’s had a lot of issues in her child hood, she had a mental evaluation for her problems and the dr. even said, that he could understand why she wouldn’t be able to work in a people associated environment. She got sick of my bickering, so she went yesterday and the day before to get job applications and turn them in, to places that are less stressful, like office jobs. Still waiting back on them though.[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]I will be getting a new job here soon and working on computers after that. I am going to be training for 2 years at the hospital to become an X-Ray tech, which make $35-$40 an hr. which I’ll be 21 by then, that’s not bad for a 21 year old eh?[/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman][/FONT] [FONT=Times New Roman]As far as the singing career goes, she doesn't get scared around people unless she feels like she's surrounded by them and has no way out[/FONT]
DreOh6 Posted February 25, 2006 Posted February 25, 2006 RUN. Don't walk. RUN. This is a dead end marriage. Last warning before she gets pregnant.
Author KonRyuu Posted February 25, 2006 Author Posted February 25, 2006 no, not dead end, just young, we both need to mature. I mean, we took ourselves, threw ourselves into a marriage and all of our previous relationships were completely immature. girlfriends and boyfriends, never any true commitment, straight into a marriage, it just takes time. And with the lord by our side we have all the time in the world. Because love and belief is truly all you need, and self control, lol.
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