tanbark813 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 So my gf calls me last night around 10pm. The main reason for the call is because her best friend's birthday is tonight. Originally she was going to have dinner and then go to some club. Then about a week ago the standing plan was to forego dinner and only go to the club (the friend is kind of flaky and bad at planning). My gf goes on to tell me that the new plan is to eat at some sushi place at 8pm, then head over to the club. Okay, no problem. But then she starts saying how she was thinking she got off at 7pm instead of 6pm and that's what she told the friend, which is sort of weird because my gf is pretty responsible when it comes to times, planning, etc.. She's not a flaky person. Then she says that she doesn't want to be rushed getting ready. She can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 2 hours but she had always said, "Give me a time when I need to be ready and I will be." And she always is. She was also saying that I don't like sushi (which I don't) and that her friend would probably be late anyway so we should just skip dinner and meet up with them afterwards. Cool. No problem. Then she asks me if that's okay. I'm like, "Yeah, I'm fine either way." And then we go through about 3 more iterations of her explaining why she doesn't want to go. I keep telling her it's cool and I leave the scheduling up to her for that night. But then we start into this cycle where the more she talks about something, the weirder it seems to me. Then I start asking questions, she gets defensive, talks more, it seems weirder still... wash, rinse, repeat... I asked her if she was worried about me and her friend getting into an argument or something (this was the friend who I met the night we had our huge drama at the karaoke bar a couple weeks ago). She says no, that's not it. She then says her friend probably won't pay attention to us all night. That seemed weird since she has always gone on and on about how they're best friends. gf: "Well that's just how our relationship is. Different friends know different sides of me." tanbark: "Hmm.. Which sides do I know?" gf: "All of them." She then asks why it's such a big deal that we don't go to dinner. But I never considered it a big deal. She's the one that launched into this grandiose explanation about why we wouldn't be attending and I was fine with it. She also kept asking if I was mad, which I wasn't. It's almost like she wanted me to be mad. So we finally plan on her getting to my house a certain time and us leaving for the club a certain time. Cool. Then I ask her about her day. She's like, "Fine. It was busy. How was yours?" I pressed her more about what she did that day mainly because she never responded to a myspace message I sent her that morning--didn't read it for that matter--and she always checks her messages in the past. Or always has anyway. It's unlike her to not be online all day. I told her she seemed defensive but she denied it. She claimed she was shopping for her friend for a couple hours and then was busy with homework all day. Again, that seemed weird since she's always busy with homework but that hasn't stopped her from getting online for at least a few minutes. She asked me when I was going to trust her. I don't like that I can't ask questions about her day or real motivation for not attending the party. It's not like I want to give her the 3rd degree, but I also know that a lot of times when people have a problem with something, there's generally a deeper, underlying issue. I was curious what the underlying issue for her not attending her best friend's dinner was since the reasons she gave seemed a little weak. I don't know. Maybe I'm just paranoid. But that doesn't mean they're not all out to get me.
TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 hmmm. it is possible that you are reading into it, but it definitely does seem sketchy. it's like she was planning a whole bunch of scenarios so whatever happened, she had her bases covered. or she purposely made it too confusing for you to ever really figure it out after the fact... i don't know. the over-compensation and defensiveness to me are huge red flags here.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 i don't know. the over-compensation and defensiveness to me are huge red flags here. Yeah, when I was asking her for more detail about the dinner plans she was like, "You're analyzing this too much." Uhhh, I'm not the one who just gave a 10 minute explanation as to why we're skipping dinner.
alphamale Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 i read your post TB813 but I don't really understnad the problem or what you're looking for
Author tanbark813 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 i read your post TB813 but I don't really understnad the problem or what you're looking for I'm not really sure. I just wrote it as a rant because something doesn't sit right with me and I was hoping that feedback on this site might offer a new perspective and jar something in my head.
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 The thing is, she is acting like she wants you to trust her, and double checks just to make sure all is OK. And asking if you're mad at her??? Being defensive about her day, being vague? I think there's abit more to this, there may be something she doesn't want you to know...Maybe it's nothing and something really small, but there is something happening...Just odd too, why she wouldn't want to go to the dinner. There is a reason... I don't think you're being paranoid - HER weirdness is making you see and feel it!
hotgurl Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I thought you guys broke up like three weeks ago. you relationship confuses me, I need an asprin my head hurts
alphamale Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I'm not really sure. I just wrote it as a rant because something doesn't sit right with me and I was hoping that feedback on this site might offer a new perspective and jar something in my head. the only thing I see here is that maybe she wanted you to take the lead and tell her what both of you were going to do, when to do it, and how to do it.
TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 the only thing I see here is that maybe she wanted you to take the lead and tell her what both of you were going to do, when to do it, and how to do it. well, that's still a problem, because indecisiveness is annoying as hell.
kitten chick Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I just was coughing up some phlegm and it made me think of you NN. So I figured I'd respond. I kind of don't know what you're looking for either but I have to say that without fail, every time you start a thread I feel like I'm missing part of the story...and last time there was a big chunk missing. I feel like there's something being left out here, probably not intentionally, you might just not be seeing it. Here's my pot/kettle advice. You need to work on your trust and security issues some more. If I ever figure out how to do that, I'll let you know. Here's how I figure it...if she has something else going on then you will find out and you will dump her. Trust her but keep your eyes open. If she doesn't have something else going on then you are going to push her away with your mistrust and controlling actions. She's already told you she feels like she's walking on eggshells sometimes with you so I'm kind of thinking that maybe that's why she gave you such a long winded explanation as to why she didn't want to do dinner. She may be getting to the point where she's just afraid of your reactions and will do any kind of tap dance to avoid it. ...just my thoughts
a4a Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Tan maybe she is planning a surprise for you? A threesome? Just kiddin'. Maybe she is just having a issue with one of the friends invited and does not want to drag you into it as it will clear itself up and she does not want to appear to be over dramatic about it?? If your that concerned ask her nicely..... "Hey our conversation really confused me, I am not sure what to think but is there something I did or something I need to do" add on a "are you ok"
alphamale Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 well, that's still a problem, because indecisiveness is annoying as hell. agreed TC....I think, well maybe, I dunno, what do you think?, um...ahh...
Author tanbark813 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 WWIU: Yeah, this is the same kind of gut feeling I've had in the past that has triggered alarm bells and has proven to be correct. hotgurl: We did break up but got back together within about 24 hours. ALPHAMALE: Actually, I did end up doing that eventually. She was being wishy-washy with the plans for I finally just said, "Ok, be at my house at 6 and then we'll leave for the club at 9:30." Then we switched subjects to how each other's day went.
whichwayisup Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Then LISTEN to your gut. It usually doesn't lie and her weirdness and energy is making you stop and think...
kitten chick Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Then LISTEN to your gut. It usually doesn't lie and her weirdness and energy is making you stop and think... There's a big part of me that wants to tell you to listen to your gut and a little part of me that is saying your issues are getting in the way. That might just be because of my issues though
Author tanbark813 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 NT: I know I have trust issues. I've also told her that it's hard for me to be more trusting when she seems so closed off from me. I'm the kind of person who will answer anything you ask whereas she has described herself as being very private. There are things about her she has admitted to me that even her best friends don't know so I wonder if there's anything I don't know. As for the explanation about dinner, we were already planning on there not being a dinner in the first place. So to give a big explanation as to why we're not attending a last minute dinner we weren't expecting in the first place just seemed unnecessary and weird. a4a: I was trying to be nice when I was asking her about dinner. I did ask if it had anything to do with possible drama with her best friend but she maintained that it was being rushed for time that was the main concern.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 There's a big part of me that wants to tell you to listen to your gut and a little part of me that is saying your issues are getting in the way. That might just be because of my issues though That's the thing that sucks. My issues HAVE caused problems in the past, BUT, they've also saved my ass and been right. It's a double-edged sword.
alphamale Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 There's a big part of me that wants to tell you to listen to your gut and a little part of me that is saying your issues are getting in the way. That might just be because of my issues though listening to one's "gut" is fine-n-dandy but it is not always correct. The "gut instinct" is not 100% and is quite subjective. Sometimes when we listen to the gut it is just the taco bell talking.... In other words, you still need some proof or substantiation of any accusations that you may make against the SO.
kitten chick Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I don't know if it's cause my fever just spiked but I actually agree with Alpha.(minus the taco bell reference) Write this one down in the books. I think regardless of whether you trust her or not, you need to keep your cool until you have something more concrete than "she gave me a weird unecessary explanation". If she's not already doing something you don't want her to be doing then you may push her away by the interrogations (a la your issues causing problems again). I don't know if that made any sense, I'm heavily drugged right now.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Well I am trying to play it cool and not outright accuse her of anything. We'll see what happens tonight.
TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Well I am trying to play it cool and not outright accuse her of anything. We'll see what happens tonight. good luck, tanny. let us know how it goes.
TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 agreed TC....I think, well maybe, I dunno, what do you think?, um...ahh... nice.
filarena Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Sounds like you're thinking that she's covering up infedility. Sounds to me like she is hiding something, but it sounds more like she is having a fight with her friend and feels stupid about why she's mad at her, or her friend really is mad at you and she was lying when she said otherwise. Or something. My suspicion is it has to do with her friend. Wait, is the friend another girl? If not, I may have to take back what I said about it not being about her cheating...
Author tanbark813 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 Sounds like you're thinking that she's covering up infedility. Sounds to me like she is hiding something, but it sounds more like she is having a fight with her friend and feels stupid about why she's mad at her, or her friend really is mad at her and she was lying when she said otherwise. Or something. My suspicion is it has to do with her friend. Wait, is the friend another girl? If not, I may have to take back what I said about it not being about her cheating... Yeah, the friend is a girl. You may be right about that. My gf was saying something about how her friend got a limo but didn't invite my gf because she knew she would be just getting off work and be coming from the opposite direction. My gf said she wasn't upset about that but maybe that or something related had her more bothered than she let on.
Author tanbark813 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 So my gf came over last night after work to get ready. Everything was cool for the most part and we hung out and watched a little American Idol before leaving. On the way out somehow it was brought up that I don't read between the lines and she likes when guys are like that. I pointed out that I do read between the lines, but I usually call people on it when they're not being straightforward with me. Once again we discussed the "little white lie" from a while back: I asked her if she had ever been with a woman sexually. The first time I asked she said no but kind of like, "uhhh.. nooooooo". The second time I asked she admitted she had. The problem is, she views that as her saying it in a way I should have been able to read between the lines and know what she meant. I see it as a lie and being dishonest. She doesn't agree that she lied. Anyway, I said that I would prefer it if she were more straightforward with me and she says that's how she is now because that's what I want/expect. In the car she said she hates it that I don't trust her. I told her it would be easier to trust her if she was more open with me and more straightforward. Basically it's a two way street. We talked about the phone conversation and nothing new really came out of that. She thought I was being suspicious about why we weren't going to dinner. I told her I was just curious what the real reason was. She didn't seem like she was hiding anything this time. It should also be said that I was high when I spoke with her the other night so maybe that factored into it. She said she was tired of arguing and fighting and that she feels uncomfortable around me. She feels like she can't be herself because I have this need to be perfect and expect that of others too. She said I'm needy, which sucked to hear said to my face. Anyway, it wasn't a dramatic argument or anything, we basically just discussed the issues. It boils down to the core issue we've had: me needing to trust her more and her needing to open up more. After that the night was cool. We hung out and had a good time with her friends.
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