wildchilde Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I will try and keep this short married 23 yrs in 2 wks, been hard at times but good overall, neither one of us are fighters which helps. Both have been unfaithful, thought we were past it all, it's been long time since last episode w/ him was back to trusting and the whole nine yards. I try not to be jealous person. I try to look at it and smile thinking.....he's going home /w me eat your heart out girlie....kind of makes me feel good knowing he's still attractive to other women and he doesn't fall for it every time he's hit on or flirted w/. we are friends w/ our kids and their friends, we go to a bar that we help manage from time to time when owners are out of town, small community w/ other towns beside us, small homey little bar where we go and play pool more like a family bar where you know everybody that goes there all the time and friends w/ every one....yes, that small... here is current situation........couple been coming to bar every now and then maybe couple times a month for past year or so. they swing....any way daughter and i had to go out of town two weekends in a row gone 1 night each once on Friday and once on a Saturday. on Friday before daughter and i went out of town the other guy as hubby if he was coming to play pool on Saturday, said no going to tittie bar w/ the boys...friends of my son...the other guy and his wife wanted to go along...supposedly did not make plans just told them where they were planning on going end of story. Saturday comes they show up at the tittie bar..strip club whichever...around here they are a dime a dozen....i've even been w/ them before. the thing is...sunday i sensed something was wrong...was talking to friends on Monday found out that this other couple had gone to the club w/ them...he fails to mention this to me. monday night he's still not said anything...so i do,,,big fight....i can't figure out why he's acting this way....all he can say is i didn't do anthing...i hadn't even accused him... so i thought something went on w/ somebody else that maybe he wasn't wanting to tell thinking i would be mad or something....point is i know he's lying about someting...when I ask anything about her he never sees it or is in the bathroom or something. it takes him a month before he come up w/ this outrageous story... he told me Monday just before valentines that they went back to the bar after the strip club to play pool, she asked him to dance (bump and grind song...r&b) and he did, quit dancing before the song was over cause he realized she was meaning sexual content then she hit on him when back at the table by asking him for a kiss he supposedly told her no that he was married... he said he was afraid i would be mad and that is why he held out for four weeks in telling me. i believed that for about the first hour till I got over the total shock of the story. first of all, i know the jukebox at the bar,,,country out of date crap,,,there is not a bump and grind song on there unless it's from a cd that i put on there and there isn't one. next of all he never dances to that kind of music,,,he absolutely hates it wants me to change it every time it's on the radio or a cd that i have, third of all nobody there remembers then dancing at all four why in the hell would i be jealous or mad over a dance?????? hello come in houston we have a problem. here's my thing i don't believe he actually thought I'd believe that story. It bothers me that he after all this time still does not respect me as his wife enough to tell me the truth he would rather me resent him knowing that he's telling me a lie than come clean and just admit something happened. he thinks as long as we have sex it will all go away and will be okay. how do i tell him in a nice way that this is not going away and he's a liar that i resent every day the lie goes on. we've got allot into this marriage 23 years is along time but i will not live like this not being respected, trusted or anthing. I do love him very much but...enough is enough. if there is no respect then he doesn't have any faith or trust in me at all. that is how i feel but maybe I'm wrong. how do i tell him when he thinks all is going to be okay when it all blows over after time? can guys be that dumb? when you know you're busted why not just fess up instead of causing all the grief????? excuse the typo's want more info on situation just ask.
Skeered Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Personally I think the whole thing is lame..he won't fess up but you know in your gut that he did something..plus you both have cheated in the past. I think you both need some counseling to see why you are both continuing in this cheating path. No good can come from it and you could get something from his affairs and vice versa. just my .02
Author wildchilde Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 I agree! he's thinking all is okay fine and dandy lets just let time wear it off. I need to find a polite way to tell him again it's not okay and that he needs to do some soul searching of his own which i don't believe he has one bit.
Skeered Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 There is no way that he will feel it's a polite way...just tell him...you have been married to this man for a long time you have shared MANY things so put niceness aside and say what you feel. Why be considerate of his feelings when he obviously wasn't of yours? I'm sorry but guilty people get angry like he is because you are his conscience of what he did wrong..
cal gal Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 There is definitley some things that he doesn't want you know! You will most likely never know the truth as he will never tell you if he thinks he will be in trouble or if it may hurt you. Here is the bottom line: 1. you either forgive what you don't know and forget the whole thing or; 2. you leave and have peace of mind that he's not lying to you any longer. I know it's a tough decision as after 20 years of being married and giving him a second chance - I chose #2. I feel free, but still sad. Nobody is trying to pull the wool over my eyes any longer and I have self respect. My boys encourage me to stand firm with my convictions to do the right thing. Is it easy? Hell no! I still love him for many reasons, but I won't let someone that is supposed to love me more than anyone in the world betray and disregard me. I will always love him for a variety of reasons and he also with me, but life sucks sometimes and we have to be happy within ourselves in order to stay strong. I am happy that I have always been a confident person that knows my morals and boundaries. It helps to have an idea of what you will put up with as opposed to what you want to live with every day. I love MYSELF too much in order to be treated like that! I would NEVER do that to him! I am interested in how you do honey... good luck and you can ask me whatever you want. I am upfront and honest to a fault. My heart is with you.
Author wildchilde Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 I am upfront and a friend calls me brutal but I have always tried to go slow and think about what i say before i say it. that way I don't get something worded to where it can be mistaken and hurt his feelings. I have told him before sometimes that is why it takes me longer to say things to him and it's been that way. but now...he told me monday that basically he thinks i'm not telling him the truth because i think to much and that is even when there's nothing for me to tell!!!!! i'm trying to keep my laughing abilities up here. I think he's crocked. I even told him what he does when he lies to me. the way he acts and stands so on....this will be my third/fourth rodeo with this last one i was totally devastated for five years i tried to figure out what i did wrong for him and my best friend to do what they did. then i woke up one day and realized...it was not me that made the choice to mess things up it was them. a person still can't help but think though what did we do. we will have discussion on this tonight i'm sure. if i only had time to tell you the whole entite story you would croak and tell me to kick him to the curb so fast his head would spin!! she talked to much crap last 2 friday nights ago that as i was walking away from her and still heard her mouth running i lost it, turned around and started kicking her hiney,,,he had to pull me off of here, he was sitting right there but said he was blocking out the conversation and didnt hear it...BULL....i have loud voice...they said the entire place heard it and he's 4 ft away and deaf??? c'mon....he would rather see me get in to it w/ this girl than tell me the truth??? what's he protecting her for is what i'd like to know but oh...i'm supposed to believe that all they did was dance??? AHAHAHAHAHAH what ever.........
cal gal Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Oh dang, My gut says don't even have a conversation with him tonight and certainly don't raise your voice. Just tell him CALMLY to leave! Other men will be waaaaay better to you than this crap! He is a sorry excuse for a man! I could give you a hundred reasons why I see red flags, but I think you already know them, just denial at work. Tell him calmly tonight that he is to leave and not return due to the fact that he has other "distractions" that are keeping him from being an honest and willing participant in your marriage. (Hmmmm marriage if that is what you call this???????) REMEMBER- if you do this CALM VOICE and actions. If you do not allow him to pick a fight - it will not happen.
Author wildchilde Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Thats the funny thing, we've never really "fought" only a couple of times maybe not much we normally sit and talk things out. he made the comment OMG i just realized sometihng in typing this....he made the comment that he's not willing to give up his marriage because of her...i didnt' really listen to what he said did i....duhhhhh other than these issues like this we get along really great and he's good to me. oh boy...i think i am in denial aren't i and just not realizing it maybe.... I am having a hard time to believe he's even sorry for all this though...he's not doing anyting to convince me he's sorry but there should also be a cooling time but......
Skeered Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 So did you guys have your talk? If so what happened? Here's something I learned from my own experience, we can be our own enablers...we enable ourselves to not see the truth of a situation when if we really listened to what we were telling people of what was going on we would slap ourselves in the face and say snap out of it. Too many times we can hear someone else tell their tales of woe and say get out of that life it's not good, he's no good to you, stop making excuses for him...on and on...but when we ourselves are doin the same thing...this is you at this point...time to slap yourself in the face and snap out of it..we all deserve to be happy, we all deserve to have honesty and loyalty in our lives...don't cut yourself short.
Author wildchilde Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 yes, i had a talk w/him on wednesday night, stayed very calm i thought i did well. he didnt say much then can't blame him we were both really tired by the time i got done. sunday, yesterday morning we talked and he finally said he was very sorry...there's more to the story but it takes such a long post...i felt that he totally disrespected me, himself, the marriage and everthing three friday nights ago. I told him that wednesday and that i thought we should not be together if there was no respect at all for me or the marriage. he gave me another story on what happened...again another story..which is okay but...if thats the way things really happened and he said it was just a kiss and that he was afraid of losing me and that is why he didnt want to tell me but...if it happened the way he said...that makes it even worse cause that shows even more disrespect... i could handle somehting happening one time but when the OW comes and starts making a scene infront of everybody and he does not do anything...not even to take up for me or himself and he allows us together to be disrespected...that did the trick. now i'm not sure because in a way i believe him but in a way i don't. maybe if he was really drunk or something and she woulnd't leave him alone but her hubby and my his brother were supposedly along w/ 2 other ppl were w/ in a 25' proximity and they still kissed....that's telling me he did not care who saw that he wanted to do it regardless.....that is what is so bad...I could deal w/ the truth but now that he's busted...damn he needs to tell me a believeable story. it's sad that he would rather me think he's a rotten liar instead of telling me the truth and letting me get over it. i can't live and be married to someone that i feel is going to lie when I KNOW he's telling a lie. that does not show any respect for me being the wife or anything to me that is saying go ahead i'm gonna lie and see how much you will believe.....this is monday....my birthday is wednesday and our 23rd anniversary is on sunday the 5th...what a whopping birthday anniversary present huh!? sorry, i don't like reading long post and this ended up being one...
Author wildchilde Posted February 27, 2006 Author Posted February 27, 2006 have you ever been to http://marriagebuilders.com it's been a great help to me for reading.
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