stockmos Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I am going through turmoil with my live-in girlfriend of 7 years. As I admitted in another post, amongst other things I began an affair with a much younger woman at the beginning of the year. Please do not judge. I'm not perfect, I'm a human being and I've made mistakes. Plenty. Though I've never had an affair before. I'm 43. Well, whether or not many of you might think it's an illusion, the woman says she has fallen in love with me. And I feel very good indeed around her. I'm not saying that's my whole future, all I know is I feel good with her. As I said in an earlier post, when I tried to have a discussion with my partner some weeks ago she had a bad panic attack and at one point pulled my clothes out of the draws. I admit I will not tell her about the other woman as I think this would cause a total nervous breakdown. It has before, when her former husband left her. I told her yesterday I thought we should take a break. Her reaction was heavy shock, disbelief and many tears. And if I left here that would be "the end" for her. She then accused me of not communicating with her, i.e. why didn't I tell her before that I was unhappy, now it comes out in a flood, I should have told her. Maybe she's right? maybe I am a rubbish typical male bad communicator? It's been a very tough 16 hours or so. Why all this you ask? I don't know precisely, but I have just felt progressively that my life is not a happy one. I haven't woken up and felt joy for so long. I used to wake up and enjoy the sounds of the birds singing. Life was easy. I feel the relationship has worn me down. We have had many good times, but I feel she has been down in the dumps a lot and never happy with things as they are in the present (her job, where we live - both she wanted to change, radically, her social life...). She was signed off sick for 6 months with exhaustion at one point. I am sorry she has been unhappy in these things and that if I left it would be the "final straw", but... ? Sometimes the whole relationship feels like hard work. Outwardly, it's nothing like some of the nightmares I have read on here. maybe my expecations of relationships are too high? I've never lived with anyone before. Now she emails me, after yesterday's turmoil, and says we can build things where we live. We can stay here and improve the house etc. She admits she has been in "a bit of coma for year(s)" but now wants to be my "happy, chatty" partner again. What a mess.
zarathustra Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Sorry for the long response, Stockmos, I don't think anyone can comment on whether you should stay or go. All I can say is deal with one relationshp at a time. You need to take care of one relationship at a time in order to be fair to all parties involved. Since you are living with someone, deal with that one first... Regarding the live-in girlfriend: Stockmos, if you you think a passion-filled relationship comes easy, you need a reality check. All relationships are hard work. To build passion, both parties have to give and take. If I remember correctly, your girlfriend wants you both to move to another city and you want to stay where you are and start a business for which she feels uncomfortable with the risks? I think that the relationship has many wrinkles but you need some help with ironing them out. I think that your girlfriend may need to work on herself more too. She needs to be "happy" and "chatty" because its what she wants for herself, not as a need to be with you.... know what I mean? Also, I think that its hard for your long-term girlfriend to compete with the excitement of a new relationship where you are infatuated with someone who is younger and you may have the conception that life with her would be more exciting. In this sense, I feel my ex was very unfair to his wife in making that comparison and very unfair to me to live up to an expectation of a life that I cannot give him. I don't know if this will be possible for you, but I think to live life with less regret, you may want to look at your life goals and your girlfriend's life goals and determine if they are in synch. If not, you need to ask her if its possible for a compromise be reached without one person feeling like its a huge sacrifice. If you decide to work things out with your girlfriend, you must leave the other woman. She will be hurt tremendously and hopefully, you didn't make promises to her that you can't keep as that would hurt her even more. I know, I've been there, it hurts to breathe if she loves you and you promised her a life that you cannot have with her. Re the other woman: If you decide to split, take some time off from your relationship with the younger woman to see what you want for yourself and then decide if she is best suited for you. If you two were meant to be together, you will still end up together. Don't promise, but work on what you want in life first. The reason why I am saying this: I've shared my own painful experience on other posts and its very similar to your situation except I was the younger woman in the scenario. I've made my share of mistakes, but I think that the is the biggest mistake I've ever made was be involved with someone who hasn't let go of another relationship. I think that even had my ex left his family, I should have given it time for reality to set in. The grass always seem greener on the other side of the fence, but once you cross to the other side but at the end of the day, its really full of Monet... it looks good from far away, but up close, its all a mess. And yes... it still hurts to breathe. It hurts every breath that I take, but this too will pass.
Author stockmos Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 Tremendous post, what more can I say but many thanks.
witabix Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I can't speak to whole of this issue. However I know what it feels like to be in a relationship where your partner seems unhappy with everything, work, home etc. It drains the colour from your life. Every day and every night its the same. Either empty silence or constant complaints. Ask yourself if the new girl is an attempt by you to put the colour back in, to paint over the grey. I obviously have no idea if it is or isn't, and I do not judge you. Z's post made some good points. Maybe you do need to re-evalute your own life. That is where I would start in this situation. Remember no one else is your responsibility. You are only responsible for yourself.
zarathustra Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Tremendous post, what more can I say but many thanks. Thank you for the compliment... and you're welcome. Just keep us posted as to your progress.
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