Walk Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 Now the pressure of more sex, more intimacy, etc... it's just getting to me. I think in part I may turn to masturbation just because it avoids the whole sex thing. It's like it's uncomplicated that way because it's just me and my feelings. I think I'm emotionally unsatisfied in our relationship. It's become a source of stress and I'm an easily stressed out person as it is. The last thing I want is more stress. While a lot of it has been good, the issues are piling up. I just can't deal with this anymore. I can see why it'd be more preferable to masturbate at that point. What a mind f***. Personally, I'm not sure I'd want to have sex at all if I were in your shoes. She does, she doesn't, she hates it, she wants more, less, now, not now... wow. You've really fought an uphill battle to continue a relationship with this girl. Kudo's to you on effort. Personally, I think it'd be healthier for you to break off this relationship. It sounds to me as if you are getting less and less of the things you need from a relationship, while she is requiring that you give up more in order to make her happy. Unless she is willing to give an equal amount to ensure your happiness, then no deal. Cut the cord. Otherwise, she'll continue taking from you and know she isn't required to do anything in return.
Author littlepiggy1 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 Personally, I think it'd be healthier for you to break off this relationship. It sounds to me as if you are getting less and less of the things you need from a relationship, while she is requiring that you give up more in order to make her happy. Unless she is willing to give an equal amount to ensure your happiness, then no deal. Cut the cord. Otherwise, she'll continue taking from you and know she isn't required to do anything in return. This brings to mind a conversation we had a couple months ago. I thought at the time it was a bit of a breakthrough, but maybe it wasn't quite the breakthrough I'd hoped. I was smack dab in the middle of exams and didn't have much time to spend with her. I planned to spend this one Sat. afternoon with her, but told her I'd need to study later. She practically lost it at me yelling about how she hates feeling "scheduled". As for me, the one highlight of my week (or so I'd thought) had just blown up at me. We talked about it the next and I said to her, "Look, I know there are times you want me to be there for you, but I can't always do that. There are times I need you to be there for me." She said that she realized she'd be looking at me the way she used to view her parents. That her parents were the "providers". They were there to make her feel good, put up with her ****, etc. She'd been looking at me the same way and had lost sight of the fact that I'm a real person with feelings, emotions, etc. So she decided to start being more considerate. I still don't know if that's the case right now. Granted, I don't know if I've communicated my unhappiness as well as I should have. Also through in the fact that she might be chronically depressed (we both think this is the case) and I can see why she might not be in the best emotional state to support me.
Author littlepiggy1 Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 She just called me from work. She asked me why I haven't "responded" yet (I'd previously responded to her email by telling her I need time to think). I told her I'm not in a position to talk right now. That I feel so emotionally strung out and tired and I just can't handle another deep relationship discussion at the moment. She started to get short with me, telling me that "she won't wait forever". She also says that she feels that she has been the one making the sacrifices to make me happy. I ask her, how exactly. She responds with her "stand on porn". I respond that she only took this stand a couple months ago. But then she goes back with the issue of her not being sexuality satisfied. Fair enough, I suppose. But I feel a relationship with her has become too much work. It feels like a chore at times, always about satisfying her wants and needs. Whereas, I just want to relax and not have to worry so much. And this relationship is not doing that for me right now...
Author littlepiggy1 Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 We talked tonight. And we broke up. Again. I basically initially dumped out everything I was thinking. How I didn't think I could really meet her needs. And how I was feeling so must stress from our relationship and just couldn't handle it anymore. We were kind of on the same page that yeah, our relationship had too many holes to stay afloat. But then something weird happened. She was telling me how she feels I loved her but was not in love with her (keep in mind she had previously wanted to dump me twice, whereas it was me that tried to keep things going). I was talking about some personal issues and how I was feeling lonely because of lack of other friends in my life right now. My parents had moved away so I wasn't really seeing my family any more, one of my previous close friends had got engaged to a girl who wouldn't let him have friends, and other friends I just lost touch with because of my busy schedule. So I'm telling her that about myself and she suddenly blurts out, "it all makes sense now". She feels that I was just hanging on to her because I had nobody else to hang around with (keep in mind those feelings of mine had only started up recently). She tells me she feels "used" and that she was just a buddy to me. And that that explains not having sex as much and so on. To an extent she was a good friend, but she was certainly more than that. Again, she wanted to break up twice already whereas I kept wanting to trying. In fact, in her last email to me she said she thought I was trying more than her. But to say that... that feels like a kick in crotch. I don't get the female mind and why she'd leap to that reasoning. Maybe to make it easier for herself? To give herself another excuse to see us breaking up?
whichwayisup Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Yes and yes. She put it all on you so it was her excuse, the final straw to break up. I think right now it is the right thing - Break up. Atleast let enough time go by apart to see if how much you two miss eachother. And can be without eachother. That is also a good test to see if it's worth getting back together. Maybe in afew weeks or a month both of you can sit and talk more calmly without reacting on raw emotions, which is what is happening now. I hate to say this though, your whole relationship is so up and down! No wonder you're suffering from some anxiety and she is confused. Between porn, masterbation - not wanting sex, now wanting MORE sex, then throw in the confusion about her wanting to be with a woman too - It just seems so draining. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.
Author littlepiggy1 Posted February 24, 2006 Author Posted February 24, 2006 Yes and yes. She put it all on you so it was her excuse, the final straw to break up. I think right now it is the right thing - Break up. Atleast let enough time go by apart to see if how much you two miss eachother. And can be without eachother. That is also a good test to see if it's worth getting back together. Well, I still don't "get" entirely why she would do that. Maybe it was an excuse or maybe she really believes it, but it was an awful thing to say. I also don't think we'll be getting back together. After two mini-break-ups already, I've had enough. And I know some of the "big" issues from our relationship simply hadn't and probably would not have been resolved. I hate to say this though, your whole relationship is so up and down! No wonder you're suffering from some anxiety and she is confused. Between porn, masterbation - not wanting sex, now wanting MORE sex, then throw in the confusion about her wanting to be with a woman too - It just seems so draining. Relationships shouldn't be this hard. That's how I am feeling right now. Too many issues, mixed signals, all sorts of stuff. I feel totally utterly worn out right now. I think I'm going to need quite awhile to heal, too.
lexilas Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 But at the start, she was probably getting the sexual/emotional satisfaction that she needed. She said she didn't have a problem with it then. It's now, when she's stating that she isn't getting her needs met that she's brought it up as a problem. It's when he chooses to masturbate rather then have sex with her that it became a problem. Not prior to that. (If I read his post correctly.) I'm in total agreement with you here - this is how I interpreted things.
lexilas Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 Now the pressure of more sex, more intimacy, etc... it's just getting to me. I think in part I may turn to masturbation just because it avoids the whole sex thing. It's like it's uncomplicated that way because it's just me and my feelings. I think I'm emotionally unsatisfied in our relationship. It's become a source of stress and I'm an easily stressed out person as it is. The last thing I want is more stress. While a lot of it has been good, the issues are piling up. I just can't deal with this anymore. LP1 - considering what you've said here - maybe it is best that you two broke up - however all relationships take work and are complicated (that's the nature of the beast) - something to consider.
Mary3 Posted February 27, 2006 Posted February 27, 2006 Her insecurities gradually seemed to grow as well. It wasn't about the porn or masturbation at the time, but about my art and art books.I am an artist and I sketch nudes....so what ? She kept saying that she didn't want me looking at other naked or sexualized women. Again, keep in mind that the art I was interested in I was into long before our relationship began and have maintained interest in.Many artist capture the female body because its beautiful It's not that I masturbate over these art books, but I just think they are cool and like to collect/look-at them (btw, check out the art of Matt Hughs or Luis Royo to see where I am coming from). I was having trouble understanding why this was becoming an issue now and wasn't before... The bisexual thing started coming up, too. Initially, she was just telling me about these desires. But more and more she started to want to act on them.So you can't touch your penis but she can touch girls ? I'd also begun school full time and was more stressed-out/less-active than before which I think hurt my libido. I just wasn't wanting sex as much as before. It also took a toll, because I was seeing her less. At a couple points she wanted to break up because she felt I didn't have time for her. The porn thing was the most recent issue. She asked me not to look at porn any more.Not! I tried, but I failed. She asked me about it later and I admit I lied to her. Just be honest with it I called her the next day and confessed the truth, but she promptly dumped me (again).This is just wrong We talked about it the day later and this is when we decided to try counseling. Looking back on our relationship, it seems like we've had a steady stream of issues for the last year.Sounds like she's habitually unhappy and creating issues.. It's like we can't go one month without something becoming an issue. Lately we've gotten closer to the line of breaking up and even doing it a couple times (but for less than 24 hours both times). Now the pressure of more sex, more intimacy, etc... it's just getting to me. I think in part I may turn to masturbation just because it avoids the whole sex thing. It's like it's uncomplicated that way because it's just me and my feelings. I think I'm emotionally unsatisfied in our relationship. Yes you areIt's become a source of stress and I'm an easily stressed out person as it is. The last thing I want is more stress. While a lot of it has been good, the issues are piling up. I just can't deal with this anymore. Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Cimax Posts: 802 Quote: Now the pressure of more sex, more intimacy, etc... it's just getting to me. I think in part I may turn to masturbation just because it avoids the whole sex thing.Exactly, its not your fault
Recommended Posts