Does a Wife want to know if he's still cheating?

[OzGirl]

Does a Wife want to know if he's still cheating?

 

Hi, I've posted this in the other man / other woman forum - but thought it might be relevent to OW to add their thoughts on the subject.

 

When a MM cheats and the wife finds out, it seems they stay together to try and repair a marriage before it's broken - whether it be purely for love, purely to keep the house/children together, or a mixture of both.

 

Many OW can confirm - they still cheat - once the dust has settled with the wife, they often remain or restart contact with the OW.

 

The OW, who's been, not surprisingly I guess, made 2nd best in the situation, quite possibly doesn't want to have anything to do with this MM's advances, contact or promises. It's torturous to live in hope, but humiliating to do it post-W-finding out.

 

My MM has send copious emails, etc, to try and keep me interested. Essentially, he has learnt nothing of the pain he's caused either his W or myself, and is setting it up for failure again. I now feel sympathy for his W, and wish I could tell her - "he's still doing it to you". I read the anguish of the many W's on this website, and wonder - if he was to cheat on you again - even just by email, phone, physically, whatever.... would you want to know?

 

I doubt any W wants to here from the OW again - and in my case, if I rang his wife, he would tell her I'm psycho and I want him back and that's the only reason I'm "making it up". I have evidence - but I guess the argument would be that copies of emails aren't worth much - they're editable.

 

So, what do I do? Just leave it alone and continue ignoring him, and let it just be for them to work out in due course? That's what my brain says to do.

 

But, the hurt for many W's is the duration the affair goes on for without them knowing - is it fair to know they are back in the same situation they were in?

 

I find it hard to live with the fact that I can't help her. I'm neither the person who should do it, or the person who can do it. But, I'm still a human being who feels remorse for their actions and now, wants to know what to do - if anything - but from the W's point of view.

 

I would want to know (if I was a W), I'm sure. But, how I find out - would that affect my willingness to accept it?

 

All comments welcome.

[Chump64]

As a BS, yes, I would want to know. That would be my cue to exit stage left. Or rather, throw his crap out and change the locks. I am dead.serious. about giving him only one chance to save this situation. I hope it works, but of it doesn't, and we divorce, I know that I will survive.

 

You might consider telling him to leave you alone, or you will send her copies of his emails. Then print them out and if he keeps bugging you, ship them off. If she works, consider sending them to her work address, simply because (a) he can't intercept them; and (b) they won't accidentally find their way into someone else's hands (ie the kids).

[Ladyjane14]

I would want to know, but....I don't think I'd believe the OW.

 

You've probably noticed that the majority of betrayed spouses have powerful negative emotions connected to the affair partner. The wife's initial reaction to you would likely be hostile. I doubt that she'll recognize the altruism of your efforts. She's more likely to react like an injured animal, and bite at the perceived source of her pain.

 

Your motives will come immediately into question. Her first thought will be that you're trying to start some trouble and hinder the reconcilliation process in the hopes that she'll kick him out and he'll return to you. The MM can use that to his advantage in order to make you look like a stalker.

 

That said, it's really up to you. I doubt that the wife will thank you, but on the other hand, I've seen a couple of threads where the OW was indeed believed. I even saw one where the wife and OW confronted the MM together.

(Usually that kind of scenario ends with the MM being dumped by BOTH women.)

 

If you're not sure what you want to do yet, you might try 'rattling your saber' a little bit first. You can always tell him you're going to start forwarding his emails and whatnot directly to his wife if he doesn't stop harrassing you. And definately...use the word "harrassing". That ought to get his attention.

[BUTAFLY]

You should post this in the marriage section

[OzGirl]

Hi, I appreciate your advice.

 

I'm not looking to gain anything in relation to either of them. I know she won't receive any information from me as being anything other than maybe revenge against him or her.

 

It's 12:37am here. I've been in tears for a good part of all night so far, and can't sleep. I'm so angry at him..... I'm angry that he can just do this to me AND to her - my problem is that he can do this and is STILL just toying with people and it's so unfair. She just got pregnant - I can't bear to imagine what more bad news would cause her during this time.... and don't wish to ruin what is time to remember as being fabulous.

 

How do I stop him? I can't, can I? I just want him held accountable. I have tried telling him to leave me alone, but I think he likes the fact that he's getting a response. So, I ignore it. I'm not changing my contact details for one person, but I don't want to get involved further with him. I want him to suffer I guess, and that would be being held accountable.

 

If his wife wants to stay with him, then fine - that's her choice. But, she is under such a diluted impression of what went on, and he lives to continue to do it to her. I've thought about ringing her sister who's number I have (he gave it to me to call me on it years ago) and asking her if she thinks I should tell his W... but I fear the sister is on the same wagon as her - will probably just think I'm psycho ringing her out of the blue.

 

I'm sick of this feeling - everyone's life moves on to be repaired, and I'm sure it's painful - fine. But, I can't live like this - it's just him making me part of more lies. I've had enough. It's like a rapist being convicted then let out to wander the streets with no penalty. More unsuspecting victims awaiting his next move.

 

Just like those websites that have the "someone who cares about you wants to let you know you have bad breath" letters they'll send for you so you're not identified to the recipient, we need one for "someone who cares about you wants to let you know your husband is cheating on you, and here's the evidence".

 

This is insane.

[Ladyjane14]

How do I stop him? I can't, can I? I just want him held accountable. I have tried telling him to leave me alone, but I think he likes the fact that he's getting a response. So, I ignore it. I'm not changing my contact details for one person, but I don't want to get involved further with him.

 

No hon, I don't think there's anything you can effectively do to change him. Even if you've stopped him from fooling around with you....he's just going to keep doing what he does until he chooses not to do that anymore.

 

He's a grown man....and he's going to make his choices. All you can do is to make your own. The change has to be an internal one for him, or it's not going to stick anyway.

 

I really do think it's commendable of you to want to stop him from going around hurting people. But....you aren't responsible for the choices of other people. It's okay to let yourself off the hook here.

[Chump64]

Ozgurl, I really like you, and you have shown nothing but compassion and kindness for me. So I hope I don't offend you by saying this.

 

Are you positively certain that you want to end contact with this man? If so, I question why you wouldn't change your contact information. I know it's a pain in the butt and all that, but it would be worth it, if you truly don't want to hear from him again.

 

This caught my eye:

 

If his wife wants to stay with him, then fine - that's her choice. But, she is under such a diluted impression of what went on, and he lives to continue to do it to her. I've

 

Now, here's what I would do, if I were you. I would journal out "my" side of the affair, from Day 1, and print it out. I would lay it all out on the line. Then I would print out all contact that he has with you. I would send all of that stuff to her through US mail. (A) It would give her a clear picture of what transpired; (B) it would let her know that he is still trying to contact you; and © it would probably get him off your back, forever.

 

Is he pulling a fake reconciliation with his wife? If so, is she under the delusion that there is no contact between the two of you / that he is trying to "behave"? If that's the case, he's a true pig and he deserves to be busted.

 

Like Ladyjane said, I have negative feelings toward the OW in my situation, but she didn't tear out my heart and stomp on it. My husband did that. For some reason, if she called me today and told me that my husband is still trying to hook up with her, I would believe it. Especially if she gave me 'proof.'

[silktricks]

I would want to know if my H was still cheating. (I looked for this thread after I saw your mention of it elsewhere, oz). I would, however, like LJ, not trust the ow... especially in my case where she harrassed us for so long. (I believe that if she had thought of the idea of telling me that he was still trying to see her, that she would have been all OVER that.)

 

And that is one of the issues that I have seen time and again on these forums. The OW's are angry with the W (why is that anyway?) and talk to them as if they are stupid. The W's are angry w/ the OW - which is just as stupid in many ways - after all, the odds of the OW on this forum being the OW in our lives is slim to none.

 

The other thing I've noticed is that altogether too many of us have the inclination to react to a note/message only in the context of our own lives - forgetting - or maybe not wanting to accept - the fact that everyone's experience may not relate to our own.

[OzGirl]

I've written out a letter to her with dot points on how it started, the truth about the depth of it, and the contact still being maintained by him.

 

I haven't sent it to her. I rang his son (who knows everything) and he said he thinks she'll ignore it - that she'd rather put her head in the sand. But, who knows what's inside her head.

 

So, I really don't want to hurt her - surely she's had enough. I've instead sent it to him, telling him I have sent it to her (though, she's on holidays from work and won't be back until next week). Theoretically, he will be sweating it between now and next week, and that should be enough for him to stop.

 

If not, I'll send it to her for real. I just hate having to involve her yet again. I think we've both been through enough.

 

As for why I haven't changed my contact details - I have a circle of friends and family who have had my phone number, email address for years. I'm not changing it for one person. It's not just me blocking it him access to me. There is surely a solution that makes him think about what he's done, as well. One MM in the world who doesn't do this again (maybe) is two hearts saved from breaking. If that's all I contribute out of this, I've saved twice as much as I've repaired with myself. Altruistic? Maybe. Unrealistic? Maybe. But, I think he's sh*t is pants when he sees my proposed email to her.

[My_Other_I]

You might consider telling him to leave you alone, or you will send her copies of his emails. Then print them out and if he keeps bugging you, ship them off. If she works, consider sending them to her work address, simply because (a) he can't intercept them; and (b) they won't accidentally find their way into someone else's hands (ie the kids).

If he knows that is a possibility, he will start 'damage control' immediately. My guess is he will slowly start telling the W that the OW 'drove by', or 'called', or whatever to make sure the W doesn't believe the OW. In the wives eyes you are already evil, sick minded and witchy. He won't need much to convince her of what she wants to hear.

 

OzGirl, the W will only believe you if she wants to believe you. Don't make a fool out of your self anymore than she already has you for. Ignore the MM and let her be. If he keeps bugging you, gather your evidence and get a restraining order. She will know then, I guess.

I know the Ws would like to know, but not coming from the OW. I don't think it's a good idea to get anyone else involved, since a lot of damage has been done to a lot of people already.

[My_Other_I]

There used to be a thread called "October - get rid of your MM for good month"

Now we have "February - and the MM come back month"

 

Is something in the air? Is it the bird-flu?

[OzGirl]

I haven't had anyone to talk to apart from the peeps on LS. Today, I went a visited the dearest of my friends, who knew I was annoyed still at the situation, but I hadn't revealed the depth of my ongoing sadness to.

 

She listened, I cried, and everything I said basically started with "Why...". I'm sick of internalising and expecting the MM to do something to change this perpetual cycle. My brain knows all the right advice I need - my heart is still strangled by the whole sordid situation.

 

Regardless of what I sent him, I'm just ignoring it now. He can email me forever - I'm not considering what he writes versus what he does and tearing myself in two about it anymore. Whilst he does it, I guess it's a point to measure my distance of this situation from. The more unchanged he continues to be, and the less I care, then the further forward I must be getting.

 

It's just the ups and downs of it all - when does it flatline? I know no one can answer that. I was CONVINCED it had about a week ago - then I doubted it.

 

It's like the situation is SO melodramatic - and I'm in it not wanting to be. Reality hits after the tears dry up - I've seen this enough that I should know even whilst the tears appear... aaaahhh how dumb this whole thing has made me think I am.

 

It's not about being an OW or not - simply never again, will I assume that a man will only lie to me if I give him a reason to. If he wants to, he will anyway - and probably very well.

[sylviaguardian]

Hi Ozgirl,

 

I would want to know and if my husband continued making contact after he'd said he'd stop it would kill any feelings and he would be flying out the door before he knew it.

 

But that's just me. If the MM is trying to contact you to get back together with you then he is truly a skank. If he is contacting you to see if you are OK, maybe that's different. From your posts you are obviously very hurt and shocked that he's dumped you. I wonder a bit if a desire for revenge is not the driving force. You are mad at him for what he did to you and to her, yet you did not think about her at the time.

 

On the whole it sounds very unhealthy. You are obviously still totally enmeshed in the whole thing. I think the best thing for you would be to walk away and give yourself space to get over him.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh but the wife wasn't your concern at the time. You cannot now try to make things better for her because her world is probably already blown apart. I think too, as others have said, you underestimate how much hatred she will feel for you. This is especially so if she is pregnant and is vulnerable.

 

Chalk it up to experience and thank your lucky stars that YOU aren't the one who ended up with him.

 

Sylvia

[OzGirl]

You're right in several ways - yeah, there's still a sense of wanting revenge, but if it was that or an absolute end which was sooner, I'd want the soonest option.

 

His daughter rang me today. She said his wife (who is not her mother) has basically been acting like nothing ever happened. She is not upset, and is convincing everyone what a wonderful husband he is. The daughter believes she's doing it because she's pregnant and has to justify why she tried to do it. The daughter thinks she panicked and it was her way of "keeping him" from leaving her. Whatever - none of this bothers me.

 

I've now decided I'm not sending the W the email. It won't change anything for her and will just make her probably feel glad he's 'safe' with her now, and away from horrible me. Fine, whatever.

 

I'm going to try and work out what triggers me getting so upset, as I was earlier today. Just like smoking (another of my bad habits) there's triggers for it that make 'cold turkey' so hard. I think I have to identify them, and sweat them out and get 'clean' in my own way.

 

I think I realised one thing today - I will never know how to reconcile the bliss I felt with this man. It's a feeling I want back - like the most hooked of drug addicts - I can't bare the thought of not having that feeling back. It's one I only identify with him in a string of failed relationships. None of them ever made me feel so good about myself.

 

I think I have to look at him like heroin. I've not tried heroin, thank god, but I hear it's awesome and that's why people get addicted. I have to look at it like a drug-induced euphoria that was neither healthy or true. It gives me optimism that maybe now I have a chance to find a "real" love one day, that though not so intense, will be long lasting, realistic, and ultimately more satisfying because it will have loyalty, faithfullness (oh GOD I hope I'm not back here as the W of a MM who has an OW one day!), and WILL be there for holidays, Christmas, make me chicken soup when I'm sick, and get the tissues when I'm sad.

 

At the moment it's hard because it's something I experienced against something I'm estimating MIGHT happen one day, and am yet to see how it measures up. I hope I can come back here and all my "OW" friends on here are there, too, talking about our honest and faithful husbands....and if not, our wonderfully free lives.

 

I've suffered a natural childbirth with no drugs after a 21 hour labour.. surely I can get through this, too. Am just sick of my optimism coming only after a real low point. The humiliation constantly manages to keep reproducing itself like those back up files in windows that you can't delete. If you do, they make a back up copy of themselves first.

[MazzyStar]

Does a Wife want to know if he's still cheating?

 

YES! I dont care from who, as long as it is the truth, TELL ME! You should tell her. I wish the OW had enough balls to tell me. Better yet, wheres my apology?

[Ladyjane14]

I've now decided I'm not sending the W the email.

 

For whatever it's worth....I think you're making the right decision. It seems pointless to focus your attention on MM and his homelife, dysfuctional as it might be, when your ENERGY could be better spent on YOU instead.

 

You're in the process of healing. I think it's going to require that you be proactive in getting that done. So, I really like this idea:

 

I'm going to try and work out what triggers me getting so upset...

 

While I've often heard BS's discuss "triggers" and methods of dealing with them, this is the first time I've noticed it used for the OW. I think you're really on to something there.

[Chump64]

If he knows that is a possibility, he will start 'damage control' immediately. My guess is he will slowly start telling the W that the OW 'drove by', or 'called', or whatever to make sure the W doesn't believe the OW. In the wives eyes you are already evil, sick minded and witchy. He won't need much to convince her of what she wants to hear.

 

 

Why is it assumed that betrayed wives are so easily willing to believe their husbands? This is an unfair generalization.

 

Not all wives are filled with hatred and anger toward the OW. Yes, we are angry, and we do have things we would like to say to them. But after all, our husbands are the ones who promised their lives to us, then crapped on their wedding vows. Any betrayed woman who spends her time blaming ONLY the OW is very misguided. In my case, I assign her about 5 percent of the blame and anger.

[greenshift]

As for why I haven't changed my contact details - I have a circle of friends and family who have had my phone number, email address for years. I'm not changing it for one person.

 

Even if that person is you? It seems that, even though changing numbers and addresses is a pain in the ass, it'd be a small price to pay to distance yourself from this situation. Get a new cell number and a gmail account (their spam filtering rocks), and email both out to everyone but him. An hour of effort and you won't have to deal with this guy anymore.

 

 

 

Also, while it's clear that the idea of him continuing to hurt her disturbs you, are you sure you aren't after the smallest bit of revenge? If so, I understand how you feel, but be careful. Sometimes we tend to rationalize selfish acts by telling ourselves that they're for someone else's benefit.

 

That said, I would absolutely, positively want to know the truth, as soon as possible, with some sort of evidence to back it up.

 

This guy doesn't deserve to be married and it's better that she finds out now, when she's just gotten pregnant and can make plans, than in a year when she has a newborn on her hands.

[OzGirl]

I've not heard from him now for a couple of days. I think the threat of telling her has worked.

 

Thanks for the advice. I'm over it.... soooooooooo over it.

 

What happens to her is not my problem - never was, never will be. If she wanted to know, she would investigate. His kids know he's still doing it, but due to her reaction the first time of deciding it was a good time to try for pregnancy, they've given up on caring about her, too. They think it's a case of fingers in the ears and 'la la la la la can't hear you la la la la'.

 

I give up on the whole thing. I come on these forums to offer help, insight, and hopefully help others in a time of immense frustration or stress. When I feel within myself I can't do more, I won't do that anymore either probably. It's a process of elimination, and I'm getting there.

 

Revenge is a fairly unattractive trait to have - and I'm referring to my thoughts on myself. It's not worth creating an opportunity for a counter-attack back on me. Why prolong the inevitable end. It's painful enough without creating new opportunities for it to continue to be.

 

I've made it clear to him to leave me alone. I've emailed his kids (they're teenagers) and said I can't be in contact with them anymore (they hate his wife) because it's just not right (it was relatively sporadic anyway - it dramatically reduced as their father's contact with me did, too).

 

New day, new beginning. Live goes on and I'm worth giving myself a chance to have something good come out of this one day, I'm sure.

[greenshift]

New day, new beginning. Live goes on and I'm worth giving myself a chance to have something good come out of this one day, I'm sure.

 

Hang on to that attitude. And, remember: there's a difference between who we are and what we do, despite what Batman said: the difference is that, if a OW is who you were, you wouldn't be doing this, trying to straighten yourself and this situation out. That's a far cry from those that laugh and brag that their SO's spouse has no idea what's going on.

 

Good luck!

[OzGirl]

Thanks.

 

We both know - they won't be bragging when she does... they'll be in the OW/OM forum expecting sympathy and abusing all who don't give it to them.

 

Been there. Done that. *yawn*. You just gotta sit back and watch it happen over and over and over and over and wonder what on earth is it for.

[OzGirl]

Well, here I sit, after spending the last 7 hours sipping champagne with some friends, and just before I hit the sack I think to post something.

 

No.... I'm angry. The MM caused all this pain for not only me, but my family who are expected to pick me up like they don't have their own problems to deal with... etc.

 

So, I just sent the BS an email. It basically says what's perfectly obvious - HE did this to her and their family, not me. I wasn't his first mistress, I was his third, etc, etc.

 

I have nothing to lose. Who cares what they think of me now - they certainly can't think less, therefore, I have nothing to lose.

 

F*ck him. I'm angry, I"m under the influence of alcohol (but not so much I can't type, clearly) and it's time for him to face what's reality. He is STILL cheating on his wife electronically. As far as I'm concerned, it's not good enough and I'm over it.

 

It's either this email I just sent his wife (which she will see on Monday, and yes, I will let you know the outcome if any. But to be honest, I expect the same reaction 2nd time round as 1st time round ...."but he's such a good man, it's all HER fault"), or, I post the jewellery he gave me on ebay with such a sordid and disgusting story, you'll be hearing on it through the spam you get in your inbox, along with the other "check this out" emails from your frineds.

 

I might just do that anyway. Anyone want to bid for a gold bracelet? It's sitting in a box not being worn. It comes with no sentiment attached.

 

Yeah, might just do that and raise money for the Australian Breast Cancer Foundation. I sure as sh*t don't want the money as much as I don't want the piece of crap bracelet.

 

I'm sorry for professing I'm "over it". Give me some liquid courage to think about how I REALLLY feel, and you know, I'm not.

 

I won't be until I feel heard. That's all. I've told his wife the truth about him cheating on her. I feel sorry for her, but it was her choice to take a 2nd chance, and he blew it, so she has the right to know.

 

I've sold my soul on this website... no comment on what I've just posted is going to tell me something I don't already know, I don't already feel, I don't already feel ashamed of, I don't already fear losing.

 

Lucky for me, I have a reason to not have completely died from the inside out in single most humiliating event of my lfie. Throw stones all you want.... I'm really not that vulnerable any more.

 

Men are pigs. I hate to sound bitter, but how's that for reality? A few glasses of bubbly and I'm here confessing to the world what I wouldn't even tell my own mother.

 

F*ck him and all he has. I hope he loses sleep. Lots of it. I hope he questions his purpose in life. And I hope he questions why the f*ck this all happened. I hope he feels now it wasn't worth the pain I'm causing him. Because sure as sh*t he wasn't worth the pain I've gone through for SO god damned long that I'm OVER IT. ENOUGH'S ENOUGH. It's time for someone else to carry this load, and it's him.

 

His and his W's choice how to deal with it. But, that assh*le can rot in hell. I don't care who he takes with him... that's his problem.

 

I would just like the idea of being asleep at this time of night rather than awake thinking about this stupid situation, awake drinking my pain away, or awake posting on this site to make the awakeness feel validated.

 

An early, and good night's sleep is all I want. I'll try anything, now, to have it. Life HAS to go on. I'm sick of being asked why I am single by married men. It's THEM who are the answer to that question, as far as I'm concerned.... and my marrital status is not theirs to ask about.