bourne Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 So I've never posted on a forum before and never thought I would over something like this. Anyways, I dumped my girlfriend this morning after 3 & 1/2 years with over a year of living together. We've been friends for years before we started going out and my family just loved her. I noticed her unhappiness in the past few months and wasn't sure if it was me or not (she is clinically depressed). I've had major talks with her several times over the past few weeks to try and get at the heart of the matter. Still I could tell she was holding something back. So I viewed her msn message history (ehtical? I had to find out, this was really starting to affect my life). According to a conversation with a close friend, she was unahappy and wanted to run away. So I immeadiately confronted her about it and she said she was not happy so I dumped her right there. It happend so fast and I was really emotional, infact i don't ever remember being that expressivley sad infront of anyone before. I told her she had to go and within 20 mins she left. So far today all i've done is sort all of her stuff for her parents to come and get. I have thrown out all our photos and xmas cards.. this is so hard. Everything in the apartment reminds me of her and I don't know if I can keep living here. I've never had a split while living with my partner and I feel completely awful. I think I made a mistake over dumping her but then I remeber that she said she wasn't happy with me. Well what can you do if your partner feels that way? I do love her, but you know, this relationship has taken a huge toll on me and probably her too. We didn't always get along. Last summer I worked my ass off to pay all the rent, bills and groceries while she dealt with her depression. I feel like all of her emotional problems have just exhausted me and sucked me in this depression pit. I just wanted to work hard and raise our standard of living but she just saw that as me neglecting her. I'm 25 and feel like I've wasted 3 years on someone who couldn't be fixed or didn't really need me. I don't feel guilty about dumping her since I only did what she couldn't do. I was willing to stick it out with her as long as she still believed in "us" and was ultimately happy. This is completely nuts, you just abandon someone you were intimate with for years? T I just feel beaten an exhausted. Anyone ever feel the same? I just need some encouragement and/or words of advice.
MassiveAtom Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Is always difficult. It'll get easier. You know something struck me at the end of your post. Something about wasting 3 years on someone who couldn't be fixed.....That brings up the question, Did you know all along that there was something wrong with her? And if you KNEW there was something wrong with her, what is so surprising about her not being happy? Then again, what's so wrong with not being happy? Maybe you could've just let her be. Sometimes that's all we really need. To be allowed to be however we are. Yeah, prying into her personal business IS unethical. Now you have the grim task of breaking all the bonds that were created between you two. That's always tough. But I think you did the right thing.... You both need some "bettering" time.
fooled Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Had you talked about couples counseling? Had she been going to therapy herself? There are medications that battle depression. But the truth is - you can't be happy with someone who is not happy with themself.
CaliGuy Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 The three years wasn't wasted. This whole situation has been a learning experience for you. Things to look for, warning signs, etc. If she wasn't happy and clinically depressed, she was broken. You can't fix her, she has to do that on her own. Relationships shouldn't be exhausting work. If it is, someting is terribly wrong. Consider all that has happened, heal up and make sure you take some knowledge out of this whole experience. It sucks that it's over but at 25 you still have your whole life ahead of you. When you're healed up someone better will come along and you'll wonder what you ever saw in your ex.
travellingman Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 as rough as it is for you now, this situation would have been a disaster as a marriage
Citizen Erased Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 First off, big hugs cause this is a really rotten time and it truly does suck, we have all pretty much been there. You have done the right thing though. You both weren't happy and why stay in that sort of relationship? This was not a waste. This is just on of those life experiences which just plainly REALLY suck but after all of this you will realise it is for the best. You obviously feel guilty about looking on her msn history, but I mean, what can you really do? You had the gut feeling and went with it and it is now over. Period. I would suggest however that you look for another place because you will gain no peace of mind living around all of those memories. Forget about what your family and friends say, they are there to support not judge which I know you will realise soon, and just move on with your life because you need to
bounre Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 First off. Thank you for the replies everyone, it really helps so a lot. What a great forum this is! darlin_coco: Yes you're right. I did get out of the apartment and am at my parents house in the country. I have great parents so this helps a lot. You're right, I just can't live there anymore with all those memories. MassiveAtom: My girlfriend, now ex-girlfiriend (that's going to take getting used to) has had a long history of anxiety, depression, and obsessive compulsiveness. I have known about this well before we went out and she does see a doctor and take medication. I only learned the depth of her depression in the past few months of our relationship. It's heavy stuff. Her anxiety especially always strained our relationship. A lot of the time, I knew when her general depression was the reason for the sadness and not me. I could tell when I was beginning to be the cause of her unhappiness. Plus I could just tell her feelings changed. She stopped saying nice things to me and leaving me notes. You know, the little things always tip you off. She started going out with our friends to bars without me. I would put in 12 hour days at school and work and felt too exhausted to drink at a bar. I keep catching myself thinking about reconciling.. but i know this will only be a bad thing for both of us. The bottom line is I did just loose my best friend and it's going to be a long rough road to recovery. Staying away from her is going to be hard. Mr friends are her friends, and vice versa. Also I don't feel angry with her at all. I know I did the right thing but damn, it's just so hard and sometimes I wish I didn't break up with her in the first place. Damn this is hard! I miss her so much already. travellingman: And yes, if we had kids and a marriage this would have been a total disaster. The real ****tyness of it all is I know that if I was more established and we had more money and time for eachother. We would probably still be happy. Money isn't happiness but it sure does help. Overall, what a messed up day. Thanks again guys.
jerbear Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I will break with the rest of the posters since I did date a person who was depressed. She was great and all but it was the clinically depressed part which was hard to deal with. After she broke up with me she told me one month later and got back. It is very hard to raise the standard of living and working long hours to obtain that. Relationships take time and I think she requires more time to know she is loved and wanted. Did you know if she had been diagnosed with clinical depression before you two dated for 3.5 years? It is not just you or her. If you knew, then you know what you got yourself into. If not then it is another issue. Some of the side effects of anti-depression drugs are not much better than depression. Causes some other issues like mood swings, stomach issues, bloating, etc... Maybe talk to her parents about the depression and have them take intervention. At 25, there is a whole life ahead of you while she sorts her issues out. Life is hard at times. Breaking all the bonds are just not easy. NC was started, so just stick with it.
riobikini Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 RE: Bourne: "...I worked my ass off to pay all the rent, bills and groceries while she dealt with her depression. I feel like all of her emotional problems have just exhausted me and sucked me in this depression pit. I just wanted to work hard and raise our standard of living but she just saw that as me neglecting her." There are some things we, as humans, just cannot do, no matter how hard we try, and no matter how much we want to. Some of them are: Make someone love you. Cure an alcoholic. Cure someone's mental illness or disease simply by loving them. Know everything there is to know in one lifetime. Bear everyone's problems indefinately without exhaustion. Change a person's sexual preference. Live on love, -or live with purpose without it. Raise the dead. Once we grasp a few of these, we often find strength enough to let go when we need to, -and learn to truly live. -Rio
Recommended Posts