LuvHurts43 Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I've been dating this guy for about six months. I know he gets turned on by me, and occasionally told me I was pretty, and I also know he's attractive to me. However, I can't help but to feel unattractive around him. My self-esteem definitely goes down when we're watching TV, and there's a gorgeous girl on the tube. I don't have a problem letting others know if I think a girl is beautiful, and stuff, but that's different when he constantly let me know that a girl is pretty. I don't find myself jealous or mad... just feeling bad about myself. I never felt this way with any other boyfriends I've had. Is this some type of sign that this guy is not right for me? I don't wanna tell him, so what should I do?
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Has anything happened recently that would change your self-image? Childbirth, weight gain/loss, depression, surgery?
Author LuvHurts43 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 I gained... but that was before I met him. At this time I am working out and losing.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Can you think of anything else that would make you afraid that he would judge you as inferior to fantasy women?
Author LuvHurts43 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Well, I'm not sure but he told me in the past he went out with pron stars... Well, I saw a picture of his ex-girlfriend and she didn't look like a porn star.. Maybe a low budget porn star. Thinking back to some of his comments... I got some length (synthetic hair) added to my hair for a special occasion, and i remember how happy he was. He likes girls with very long hair... I have should-length hair. I had this one friend who he had a crush on way before we met (that's a whole diffrent story.) When I first met them, I remember how he use to always let her know how pretty she was and stuff, at the same time he would tell me the same thing even if I wasn't dressed up, but I think that was so I wouldn't feel left out. I don't really know. I just feel like I know what he's thinking when we see pretty girls (i wish she looked like that or I would like to bang that). I know guys think that way, so why is it now bothering me. I'm the type that watches porno with my boyfriends.
ehead Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 You know, I have a girlfriend that constantly talks about how attractive other guys/girls are, and seldom compliments me. If you are not hearing a lot of compliments it is totally normal for your confidence to lag a bit. Hell, even if you were a gorgous super model, a lack of affirmation from your significant other could cause you to doubt that THEY are turned on by you. Peronally, I think if you really want to spark someones passion and confidence, lots of compliments are in order. This is easy for me if I am in love, because lust and love are so connected for me. When I am in love, my SO can feel my lust and passion being focused on them like a laser beam. Irregardless, just remember you are THE ****. If they can't appreciate that then it is their loss. This goes for everyone. The narrow minded ideas about beauty advocated by our society are petty, immature, and unenlightened.
MelissaL Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 He makes you feel bad about yourself, and you don't feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it. I think the only question here is why are you still with him? If he makes you feel bad, inadvertantly or not, then he's not someone you should be with. Life is way too short, and you deserve better than that!
Outcast Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 You have got to STOP 1. comparing yourself to others 2. Thinking people only love people for how they look because both those things are dead wrong, huge mistakes, and will only make you miserable.
nyguidette Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Ya know, I find myself it the same exact situation. I have always had confidence...but now that I am getting older (24..wow, SO old:p ) I don't have time to tan and work out and put on makeup and cute clothes...I don't feel ugly but I don't feel like I always turn him on...I'm on a kick right now where I am asking him every piece of clothing in stores that he likes and I go back and buy some of them... I think we need to realize that he's gonna say Jessica Simpson is hot..hell, I think she's hot and I am not at ALL gay....But, they love US not movie stars...
filarena Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I agree with outcast. You should work on not being so bothered by the existence of attractive women. However if you haven't had as much of a problem with this in the past, and you can't think of any other factor that's causing your change in self esteem, maybe he is being insensitive to the issue. Don't lay it all on him. You need to try and not let it get to you so much. But it's also incumbent upon him to take your feelings into consideration and not comment on every attractive girl on tv. Whether you still freak out about the idea of him thinking it, well that's up to you. But he doesn't need to verbalize it.
Raven1845 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I don't have a problem letting others know if I think a girl is beautiful, and stuff, but that's different when he constantly let me know that a girl is pretty. I never felt this way with any other boyfriends I've had. Is this some type of sign that this guy is not right for me? I don't wanna tell him, so what should I do? Hi LuvHurts, Your boyfriend sounds very comparable to my ex. I noticed you mention that he is constantly letting you know that a girl is pretty, but seldom lets you know how pretty he thinks you are. In my opinion, there is nothing attractive about a porn star, or Jessica Simpson for that matter. There is a sleazy cheapness to women that look like that. I know there are a lot of guys that like those types of women, but for me, I wouldn't want to be with a guy that confuses sleazy with sexy, and screwable with beautiful. (it's like comparing Pamela Anderson to Charlize Theron . . . Pamela is hot (in a cheap, sleazy way), but she's not the beauty Charlize is). I don't mean that in a mean way, I just don't know how else to state it. I'm thinking the problem is with your boyfriend, and I'll tell you why . . . He sounds like HE is actually the one that is insecure. He doesn't tell you how pretty you are, but he has to mention how pretty other girls are all the time. He also mentioned he dated a porn star. (and for the record, all porn stars are "low budget"). It's as if he's trying to build himself up and make you feel inadequate, because of his own insecurities. My ex was like this. If he makes you feel like you have to work to keep his interest, it makes him feel more significant in a weird way. I am in no way tooting my own horn, and I do not want to sound conceited, I just want to state a few facts. I modeled for a decade. Not these "so-called" models you find in the back of club magazines, I was a "real" model. I was in magazines, Vogue, Cosmo, I did Calvin Klein ads, etc. To this day, everywhere I go men stare at me and women give me dirty looks. I've been told countless times that I am one of the most beautiful women a man has ever seen, and he means it sincerely. I've been told if Michelle Pfeiffer and Bridget Fonda had a child together, I would be the result. (nice compliment). HOWEVER . . . My ex hardly ever told me I was pretty. He made sure he let me know how pretty he thought everyone else was, though. He would look at women on t.v. and in real life and say, "I'd f*ck her." He was always being told how hot I was and it made him insecure. (which is so stupid because the guy looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model, he's gorgeous). He made me feel so unattractive. I was always second-guessing my appearance. Am I not thin enough? Do I not have enough meat on my bones? Is my hair too blonde? Is my hair not blonde enough? What's wrong with me? By making me feel less secure, he made himself feel more secure, or at least like he was more in control. It's funny how insecurity works. Some of the most insecure people in the world are people you would never think in a million years would feel that way. Combine that with being an a**h*** or a b*tch and that person can really bring another person down. Just from what I've read, it isn't you. It's him. Ignore it, and let him know how confident you feel about yourself, even if you don't. Most men love confident women, but an insecure man, like my ex, hated it. Don't let him bring you down. You're obviously a beautiful woman to him or else he wouldn't want to be with you. Know that. Keep an outward appearance of total confidence in yourself and after awhile it will no longer be something you have to pretend. You will believe it! Good luck and best wishes to you. And if he doesn't appreciate you, there are a million more out there that will. ~Raven
Mary3 Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 Great Post Raven ! I wanted to add that to both Raven and to the OP. that if a man makes you feel like you are not special then they need to go jump in the lake ! You are beautiful both of you. Whether its your natural beauty or the beauty that exudes from inside you. Any man who does NOT appreciate your beauty needs to take a flying leap off the Pier ! For the OP . Isn't that nice he wants hair extensions and wants you with very long hair . That makes me boil inside. He should ACCEPT you for WHO you are. You are not a model ( OP ) you are special though in your own right. I would say this : Him : "Oh god that chicks hot !" You : "Yeaaaaaahh she is . Man she really is hot ! Too hot for you honey because you are not in her league. If I were a man honey....oh I would love to get with her !" Him : "What do you mean I am not in her league ?" You : "Thats right honey, as hard as you try all you could get were sleazy pron stars....Now honey I will have the steak medium rare.." Him : "Don't try to change the subject !" You : "Dear ,the waiter wants you to order. Oh yes Meduim rate...Oh Its too bad you will never get all these hot girls...I mean your not exactly that handsome." Him : ( Insecure ) Oh um...what are you talking about ? You : Nevermind. Lol !
justagirliegirl Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I dont think I would go as far as sniping at him telling him he is ugly. I think he is trying to get a rise out of her and so the next time he says OOO that girl is hot say yes she is and then go on about your business like he just said the sky is blue. I bet he'll stop doing it if he fails to get a rise out of you
No Stress Lady Posted March 16, 2006 Posted March 16, 2006 I dont think I would go as far as sniping at him telling him he is ugly. I think he is trying to get a rise out of her and so the next time he says OOO that girl is hot say yes she is and then go on about your business like he just said the sky is blue. I bet he'll stop doing it if he fails to get a rise out of you I think so too!! As Raven said in her excellent post, it sounds more like HE'S insecure. Insecure guys ALWAYS try to make themselves feel better by trying to make you feel bad. It's subtle manipulation and you shouldn't let it rile you; the more you react or feel despondent about it the more he'll do it!!!! Sounds like you're too good for him sweetie.....
Recommended Posts