IWalkAlone Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hello! I'm a male in my early 30s and I've never been in a serious relationship. It's not that I don't want one, and I don't think I'm "afraid of committment." I've just never dating that same person longer than a 6 weeks or so. It always seems to fizzle out. Is it just back luck, or is there something wrong with me?
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Well if it keeps happening, and you'd LIKE to me in a relationship, then there is a problem. If you don't want to be in a relationship, and thus naturally take steps to ensure this occurs, then there isn't a problem. It is kinda weird, to me, though, and if I dated a dude who said that I'd prolly run away screaming quietly.
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 The answer is YES, I would like to have a long-term-relationship. I've met several women over the years that I would have liked to have a relationship with - and even dated some for a few weeks - but so far none of them found me to be the man they wanted to be in a relationship with.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Why was that? And have the same issues appeared consistently throughout relationships with various women?
luvtoto Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I've met several women over the years that I would have liked to have a relationship with - and even dated some for a few weeks - but so far none of them found me to be the man they wanted to be in a relationship with. Were you ever able to have any intimate conversations with these woman? Or was it always just day-to-day small talk? I've lost interest in men that just can't seem to open up to me. I mean, if a guy is just gonna talk about the weather...I'd might as well just stay friends with him. He's giving me no reason to think otherwise.
alphamale Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 please refer to my thread in my sig line. good luck.
SuperMonk Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hello! I'm a male in my early 30s and I've never been in a serious relationship. It's not that I don't want one, and I don't think I'm "afraid of committment." I've just never dating that same person longer than a 6 weeks or so. It always seems to fizzle out. Is it just back luck, or is there something wrong with me? It could possibly be you. Hopefully you won't be one of those 30+ year old virgin dudes (like that sad 40 year old virgin movie character) who marry upon the first girl they have a relationship with. But then again you still have a chance to date a normal 25-30 year old woman just right before they start turning crazy from being single.
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Why was that? And have the same issues appeared consistently throughout relationships with various women? There's nothing really consistent. Sometimes, they'll pick another guy they've been seeing. Sometimes, I'll get a "you're a great guy, but I don't see this going anywhere" speech. Most often, she'll just stop return phone calls with no explanation. And a couple times I broke it off because she wasn't the person I wanted a LTR with. I never have fights or screaming matches with women, and there's rarely a specific issue or reason (cheating, over drinking) etc, given. When I read boyfriend horror stories, it amazes me that women will put up with all sorts of faults with other men that I don't have (overdrinking, drugs, rude, demeaning or controlling behavior, hitting on their friends), but I seem to be held to an impossible standard of perfection. But it's not really that. When I look back at the times when I have hooked up easily (rare, but does occasionlly happen) vs. when hooking up is virtually impossible (most of the time), I can see that when a women feels romatic/sexual interest in me, things flow smoothly. The problem is that it is rare for a woman to have that feeling toward me. So I don't have difficulty talking to women or making friends with them, but moving things to a romanic/sexual level is diffiuclt most of the time, and when it does happen, it doesn't last. I realize that almost everyone experinces rejection in their lives, but I can't put my finger on why so many other people seem to fall into relationships so easily.
alphamale Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 When I read boyfriend horror stories, it amazes me that women will put up with all sorts of faults with other men that I don't have (overdrinking, drugs, rude, demeaning or controlling behavior, hitting on their friends), maybe you need to acquire some of those "faults"... being a "nice guy" in-and-of-itself will never get you pussy.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Did you have an emotionally open family or parents who were emotionally available? You may have not learned how to express emotional committment the way that women respond to. For most men it's a learned behavior, but that's the only thing I can think of -- esp. because the women tended to just drift away or not give a specific reason. Are you passionate? How's your bedroom skills? What in your mind defines a "relationship" (as in LTR)?
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 maybe you need to acquire some of those "faults"... being a "nice guy" in-and-of-itself will never get you pussy. I'm aquainted with the whole "girls like jerks" thing, and I don't think it's really true. There are lots of guys in relationships who are not jerks in any sense of a word. I think it's more accurate to say that if girl feels romantic/sexual attraction to a guy, it may not matter if he is a jerk -- and conversely, being the most considerate man in the word doesn't matter if there's no romantic/sexual attraction there.
alphamale Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I'm aquainted with the whole "girls like jerks" thing, and I don't think it's really true. it is true that females like masculine men....and part of being masculine is being a jerk sometime. Why don't you try doing the exact opposite of what you've been doing in the past and see if that works.
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Did you have an emotionally open family or parents who were emotionally available? I'm not sure what that means. My parents are still married and I get along well with my siblings. We're not people who hug & kiss each other all the time, but we don't shout at each other or hold grudges for years either. You may have not learned how to express emotional committment the way that women respond to. For most men it's a learned behavior, but that's the only thing I can think of -- esp. because the women tended to just drift away or not give a specific reason. You may be on to something. I often have the sense that women expect something that I'm not showing - but that something is never specifically asked for, or rarely even discussed. Are you passionate? How's your bedroom skills? Well, I like sex a lot. I've never failed to have an erection when one was needed, and I don't PE. My partners seemd to like it a lot also. I like "going south" if I like the women. On a sort of related note, I've seen some guys get results by flirting with sexual overtones, but when I've tried it women tend to be put off. It feels like a double standard that it's OK for them but not me. However, when I've carefully avoided showing ANY sexual interest, I've ended up as the "friend." Finding the right balance is somehting I've struggled with. Again, the deciding factor seems to be is she is already sexually interested. What in your mind defines a "relationship" (as in LTR)? When there's an agreement that we're not dating other people, that marriage is a possibility, and I'm secure that the current date won't be the last. I've just never been past the first-few-dates phase.
bigfatasian Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Can you tell me what women say they like about you though? Are you physically attractive? How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10??? I mean, women like to be swooned, romanced and sweet talked to. from reading your posts, it doesn't feel like you understand how women work and how you talk to them. You're probably trying too hard to be honest and you should just share your interests and listen to their interests. Add some physical touching, hugging, smiling, staring at eachother over dinner, and you've got an equation for another date. Just make sure you don't try too hard and copy what she does. If she smiles, you smile, if she touches you, you touch her. Don't copy her every move but you should be alert to her body language more than her words. It sounds like you just need to get out there and find women who's personality matches yours. Maybe join some new hobbies, soccer, vollleyball. good luck.
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I'm not sure what that means. My parents are still married and I get along well with my siblings. We're not people who hug & kiss each other all the time, but we don't shout at each other or hold grudges for years either. well that sorta answered my question. Did you talk about "feelings" and such with your parents/family? Or is it more formal than that? I mean, could you cry in front of them? Were there strict regulations as to how you behaved both publicly and at home? You may be on to something. I often have the sense that women expect something that I'm not showing - but that something is never specifically asked for, or rarely even discussed. There's that "I don't know what" quality that a lot of women find attractive - to label or define it makes it seem flat and unexciting. Well, I like sex a lot. I've never failed to have an erection when one was needed, and I don't PE. My partners seemd to like it a lot also. I like "going south" if I like the women. Have you ever talked openly about your sex life with a partner? When there's an agreement that we're not dating other people, that marriage is a possibility, and I'm secure that the current date won't be the last. I've just never been past the first-few-dates phase. But your definition of a relationship has no mention of the emotions involved!
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Can you tell me what women say they like about you though? They say I'm considerate, nice, and will make a great husband for someone else. Are you physically attractive? How would you rate yourself on a scale of 1-10??? That's a tough question. I don't think I'm a 1 or 10, but what's the difference between a 5 and a 7? I can describe myself though. I'm 5'11" and 165 pounds, so I'm not short and I'm not fat. I view myself as being too skinny. I've tried working out in a gym, but I don't seem to have the genetics to support a well musceled body. I think my face & hair has a similar shape and texture to Ben Afflick, which isn't bad, but I don't have large round eyes. They tend to appear squinty, which probably isn't good. I mean, women like to be swooned, romanced and sweet talked to. from reading your posts, it doesn't feel like you understand how women work and how you talk to them. Yes, talking in flowery, romantic style like a movie script feel very phony to me, but I feel like I shouldn't have to be phony around women. I want to be honest, and I want to be able to be myself around women and not feel that I need to play games to generate and keep interest. Someone above asked if I have meaningful conversations with women I'm dating. Well, my preference is for intelligent women who can talk about more than her friends, shopping and clothes. I like women who have their own opinions on social issues and current events. There's a lot of smart women, even smart attractive women out there, but it seems like the majority are married or in serious relationships, and when I meet women who aren't, intelligent conversation usually doesn't trigger romantic/sexual interest. It sounds like you just need to get out there and find women who's personality matches yours. Maybe join some new hobbies, soccer, vollleyball. I agree. But it just seems that women who appeal to me, who are unattached, and who also find me appealing are very rare.
a4a Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I want to be honest, and I want to be able to be myself around women and not feel that I need to play games to generate and keep interest. BINGO! You do not feel as if you need to generate interest in a woman? There is no game about it if you truly feel that way.
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 well that sorta answered my question. Did you talk about "feelings" and such with your parents/family? Or is it more formal than that? I mean, could you cry in front of them? Were there strict regulations as to how you behaved both publicly and at home? No strict rules, but tantrums were discouraged. I seldon cry and don't cry around other people, but I think that is typical of men. There's that "I don't know what" quality that a lot of women find attractive - to label or define it makes it seem flat and unexciting. So a guy can have washed hair, brushed teeth, clean matching clothes, a decent job & car, be kind, responsible and considerate while not being too clingy - yet still not be good enough. But if has that "I don't know what" quality, any of the rules above can be broken. That's what drives me crazy when women complain about their guy's bad habits. Have you ever talked openly about your sex life with a partner? Yes, once I've broken the barrier of having sex, I can talk about it openly with that person.. But your definition of a relationship has no mention of the emotions involved! I assumed the emotions were a given. I guess my definition focussed on what I thoght was missing when I've dated before.
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 BINGO! You do not feel as if you need to generate interest in a woman? There is no game about it if you truly feel that way. Are you saying that I have to be a phony game-playing player? Now some of the advice on the player websites is good and is what I do: Be confident about yourself, don't be "too available." Don't reveal too much too soon and don't smother her with attention. But much of the stuff on the player sites is about manipulating women you have little in common with into having sex. That's not what I want. I want to have fun times with women who are fun to be with (which includes sex). When I think about this this like a Survivor game, that makes the woman an oponnent - the enemy in the way of what I want. But if she's the enemy, then why do I want to spend time with her?
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Well from what I've read ya seem a bit stiff. What do you do for fun, might I ask?
alphamale Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Are you saying that I have to be a phony game-playing player? No IWA....we are saying you have to be a genuine game-playing player...
Author IWalkAlone Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Well from what I've read ya seem a bit stiff. What do you do for fun, might I ask? Fun? Movies, stand-up comedy, mountain biking, hikes in the wilderness.
buzzie2 Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Dear IWalkAlone I have a lot of friends who are in there 30's who havent been in a long term relationship. One of my friends is 39 and he's told me he never wants to get married or have kids, and doesnt want the responsiblity of it. But that is his choice. You on the other hand sound like you want to have a long term relationship. Maybe you come across as too needy or desperate? I know another guy in his 30's who has never had a gf. I found out that he scares woman off by just being too agressive; if he is interested he will pursue a woman almost to the point of stalking. But then again, he's kind of a loser. He still lives with his mother and doesnt have a car. He's also very annoying. I don't know much about you, but maybe there is something in the way you present yourself to other woman that turns them off. You might even subconsiously be sabotoging your chances with these other woman. Maybe deep down you are afraid of committment, or have issues that were never resolved between you and your previous girlfriends. But maybe not, maybe you're doing all the right things but just seem to be going after all the wrong types of woman. I was told something a long time ago about the dating world. When looking for a romantic partner, it's not about FINDING the right person, it's about BEING the right person. You describe yourself as considirate, nice, and fairly attractive right? Well one of these days you'll find a woman who will fall in love with you and you'll live happily ever after, or something like that. good luck buzzie
Walk Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I know this guy who's mid 40's and hasn't had a "real" relationship as long as I've known him. (About 4 years) He's average looking, intelligent, really nice guy. He's a bit of a push-over, but I think he's working on that. His big problem... and I've never had the nerve to tell him. For some reason he gives off an initial bad vibe to everyone. I've really tried to figure out why it happnes, but the best I can come up with is his initial demeanor/mannor. He seems unconfident, but he's trying to act confident. He tries to hard. He'll interject a sexual flirt, or comment in the wrong place and out of the blue. I'll be talking with him about a class he's teaching, and next thing he'll say is how the girls really like him because he smells good. huh? It's something I've noticed with guys who are older and haven't had a long term commitment with someone. Like they lack the confidence that it can happen, or that someone can love them enough for who they are. So they over compensate for it. Attempt to act more aloof, more confident, then they really feel. But it still comes through to everyone that they don't feel as confident as they are projecting. We pick up on it nonverbally. And it's the disparity between this projection of confidence and the nonverbal unconfident signals that throws women off. Not that this helps you much... And most of the men I've met who haven't had LTR, have weird standards for women they'd date. Either way too young for them. Girls who are 18-22 while they are 40-45. Or they want a Britney Spears, when they look like George from seinfeld. Or their into some freaky weird sex that the "normal" woman would scream and run from. If you have an accurate perception of who you are, then you should be looking for women who match closer to that. You might be coming across as an obstinate prick by trying to be too confident. Or maybe you're too set in your ways, and a woman will think there's no room for someone else in your world. Maybe you come off as "argumentative" in discussions, instead of conversing on a topic with a different view. It's hard to say since none of us can meet you in person and say it's this "one" thing, or "these" things you do.
Walk Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 My other thought... You said you enjoy mountain biking and hiking. I know there are groups and clubs in my area where people get together every week, or month to do these activities. Have you tried joining some of those? It'd be a great place to meet new people while doing something you enjoy. In addition, doing something you enjoy and feel confident in will make you seem more attractive to the opposite sex. I'm assuming you already feel fairly confident in your skills as a mountain biker or hiker, so you don't have to fake that. And even if you suck at mountain biking, as long as you don't cry when you crash, the women will still think you're sexy. And maybe you could get them to bandage your wounds when you get back to the trail head? Plus you could meet a woman who is into sports and hobbies that you enjoy, so you'll already have something in common.
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