Coochie Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 O.K - here it is ... I've been with my boyfriend for nearly a year now - BIG thing for me - I'm a committmentphobe from way back. The problem is that I actually love this guy. Never really thought it would happen (35 yrs old)- I was always very happy & comfortable in my own little world, in my own space - filled happily as it is with friends, family, job, child, etc, etc. The thing is - this fella got under my skin & my radar & I fell in love. It's not all roses - and I know that relationships aren't. I'm nothing if not a realist. I just don't know whether to cut our losses & move on or fight for this man that I love. My instinct & experiences tell me to bail - but my New Years resoloution is to take risks. There's nothing really bad - we don't communicate well (too scarred?!), are both sole parents, both feel very over committed in all aspects of life (him more so than I - my major committment at the moment will end in 2 weeks) and the usual gender diiferences that make men & women so attracted to each other ... but I'm not sure that he really loves me. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't. I'm too comfortable on my own for the insecurities that come with that. What d'ja reakon? Should I bail? I think he's too afraid of the fall out to make that move ...
ReluctantRomeo Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hi Coochie! Welcome to LS What drives your commitment issues? And his? Would you be both willing to make the effort to deal with them? You could try talking to him along these lines. Honest communication is always good.
Author Coochie Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Thanks for replying RR. What drives my committment issues? Fear I guess - is there really any other reason underneath it all? Fear of abandonment is probably the root of it - behind a desire for independence. We did talk about breaking up a couple of weeks ago. He wanted to think about it (I'd rather just rip that band aid off!) and decided that he didn't want to. His son has just come to live with him & he's finding the changes to his life are taking some time to adjust too. I just swing from feeling ok about us, to feeling like my head & heart are going to explode and finding it all too difficult. The infatuation phase has passed for him & I'm just not sure that he loves me. Much as I want him to - I can't make him and I don't want to be with someone who doesn't ... I'm far too insecure! But by the same token, I don't want to force a split if he really just does need time to get used to everything.
Guest Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Coochie, I find it absolutely unbelievably depressing that you have fallen in love for the first time in 35 years and you are willing to just end it all over vague issues of insecurity and fear he doesn't feel as strongly. Why not have this conversation with him instead of with us ? Part of love is taking risks, the risk of actually opening up to someone and sharing how you feel. I think it may be worth it. You have been together for a year now ... that is certainly not rushing things. If you are in love, I think you should just tell him. If love isn't worth taking risks for, I don't know what is.
Author Coochie Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 I know - it's incredibly depressing - pathetic really. And as I said, my NY's resolution is to take risks. I'm just scared. It's so much easier to break your own heart than to have it broken. I've just got to be brave & stop awfulising. I will get there eventually, I just run all possibilities around in my fearful little mind too much. Seize the day hey? And Thanks.
jerbear Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 carpe diem Take the risk. Love is risky. Talk to him and see where both of you stand. If both of you jump each other then I think you two would be fine.
933KJL Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all! Go for it babe!
blind_otter Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 It's always a mistake to make fear-based decisions, no matter what area of life you're talking about.
jerbear Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 It's always a mistake to make fear-based decisions, no matter what area of life you're talking about. Not always true, not asking someone on a date because of a fear of rejection is a mistake. You can make a wrong decision based on fear. When one is afraid to say hi or "I like you"; time would take its course then the opportunity drift away. Don't let them see you afraid...... and sweat
Walk Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Hi Coochie. I'm the naysayer here. Sometimes our fears are manifestations of clues and signs that we subconciously see but have not processed on a more concious level. And I'm not sure you're saying the whole story. I think if it was simply fear of commitment, then it wouldn't be necessary to break off the relationship. I think there is more going on then you are saying. Why do you feel he doesn't love you? What is he doing? What are the two of you fighting about? Is it because the both of you are too independent? Too much going on in your individual lives? Are the both of you willing to give up a portion of your outside lives to have more time for each other? And I do believe that you need to give him some time to adjust with his son before making any long term agreements. It has to be incredibly hard for him right now. Very stressful. If there isn't anything too wrong with the relationship at this time, and you feel you have the emotional capabilities, then support him as much as possible while he deals with this. Then sit down and have a heart to heart about the future of the two of you. Unless there is something more going on then you have implied in your posts.
Author Coochie Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Thanks Walk. I think that my expectations of love have been fuelled by romantic songs, movies & books - but I'm not a romantic so the difference between what I believe should be happening, what is happening and what I want to happen are quite vast. On the one hand, I want him to adore me like he did 6 mths ago but on the other, we both know that I'm uncomfortable with that sort of attention. I'm a pretty low maintenance girlfriend (as is he -well, obviously not a girlfriend), and that was part of our inital attraction to one another. But I think that at least some of that came from me protecting my heart. Now I guess, I've created a relationship in which I'm begining to feel taken for granted. Too low maintenance. I have boundaries, but they're few & far between. His ex was very high maintenance & after we talked about splitting up the other week he saw her for several hours and said it reminded him of why he loved me so much. Sometimes I really think that he just needs time to adjust to the changes in his life & if that's the case I'm certainly happy to wait & support him through it all. But I'm also feeling a little like I'm his 5th priority. I'm far too realistic to expect him to make me number 1 at this time (& I wouldn't love him if he wasn't the sort of man who put his child first), but I think that I need reassurance that we'll figure it out in the end. I'm just utterly terrified of rejection and abandonment (the fall out of a mother with BPD!)
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Hi Coochie. I'm the naysayer here. Sometimes our fears are manifestations of clues and signs that we subconciously see but have not processed on a more concious level. I've created a relationship in which I'm begining to feel taken for granted. Too low maintenance. I have boundaries, but they're few & far between........... But I'm also feeling a little like I'm his 5th priority. I'm far too realistic to expect him to make me number 1 at this time (& I wouldn't love him if he wasn't the sort of man who put his child first), but I think that I need reassurance that we'll figure it out in the end. I will also weigh in here on the side of the naysayers. I have a romantic streak too, just so you know. I was reading down through the thread, thinking I am going to post..... and then read Walks post.... that! I understand exactly how you feel. I decided that it has to end. There is no time in this person's life for me. Coochie, if you come 5th now, and thats all you expect, I feel that that is all you are likely to get. I may of course be wholly incorrect. In one of my pre break up discussions I pointed out that I come 13th, (Unlucky for some), I could list them out with many examples of how these people/things come before me. (I didn't include work). It is unreasonable to expect to come first the whole time, I thought it would be nice for the relationship to come first occasionally, how about once a month. Thats the time/priority list thing. That I could have dealt with if it had been addressed. There were other issues that I could not address. So I was in a similar position, and I ended it. Rightly or wrongly. We all want our lives to be perfect, that is impossible. We can however set certain minimum standards for ourselves. If it is below the minimum after a year, well I would seriously question continuing. I also think there are more issues than the time/priority. I would ask you a series of questions. How special do you feel right now? Is the feeling decreasing with time already? Is there even ONE thing that gets moved to a lower priority than you, ever? Can you reasonably expect that to happen given whatever this guy may be going through? Is his life just too busy, or are there other reasons why you feel so far down the list?
Author Coochie Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Right now - not too special. When we're together - very. Yeah - it's been decreasing (the special feeling), has been since his son moved in a month ago. We spend the weekend (nights) together - days I spend with my daughter - I'm directing a play at the moment & week nights are pretty hectic for me so I need to reconnect with my child on the weekends ... I think his friends/house get moved lower than I if I instigate a 'date'. No - I can't! Both our lives are incredibly busy at the moment. And to be honest - he's not a priority for me at the moment. Much as I love him ...
blind_otter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 On the one hand, I want him to adore me like he did 6 mths ago but on the other, we both know that I'm uncomfortable with that sort of attention. I'm a pretty low maintenance girlfriend (as is he -well, obviously not a girlfriend), and that was part of our inital attraction to one another. I think we all know it's impossible to maintain the intensity of the "honeymoon" period, every relationship settles down. I have boundaries, but they're few & far between. This is bad. Good fences make good neighbors. Other wise their livestock always wander accidentally into your garden. You get the analogy. I'm just utterly terrified of rejection and abandonment (the fall out of a mother with BPD!) Bipolar or bordeline? Mine was bipolar. I stand by my statement. I lived many years in abusive relationships because I lived my life making fear based decisions. It was also something I learned when I joined AA -- it's a protective coping skill you learn often as a child growing up in an emotionally chaotic environment. However, even though those things we learned enabled us to survive, very often they did not teach us how to thrive. So we live off of scraps because we are afraid to get more nourishment, afraid that if we even allow ourselves a taste of fullfillment that we will be as devestated as we were as children when we wanted but only received gushes or trickles, no consistency. Mostly for me it's exposure therapy. Making myself do what I fear the most. Constantly. Because otherwise you can live protecting yourself forever, or risk the pain and learn from it.
Author Coochie Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Bang - blind otter - that's the sound of the nail being hit on the head Hence my New Years resolution. I vow to face my fear, stop hiding & ASK him what he wants - what's going on. This is by no means an abusive relationship (man, I teach healthy relationships to high school kids), but it is pretty apethetic and I now choose to start feeling good about it or get the hell outta there. Yes, I love him but you know what? I'm opting to thrive! I've got too much good stuff going on in my life to have this creeping fear & insecurity take up so much of my time & energy. Who knows - maybe it's all just happening in my funny lil' brain anyway. I certainly hope so. But if not - I've got enough support to help me patch up the giant fissure that will appear in my heart. Thanks.
amerikajin Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Communication is everything. Maybe you've tried already, but try again. Communicate with him. Tell him that you don't want to be his fifth priority - demand that you be higher. But he won't do anything unless you tell him what you expect, and what the consequences will be if you he doesn't meet those expectations. I don't mean make ultimatums, but just matter of factly explain that this is what you expect in a relationship and that you find it difficult to continue under the adverse conditions you've described. As for fear of commitment, there is nothing in this life worth having that doesn't involve risk, my dear. You face the possibility of rejection in almost every facet of your life. You cannot allow that to paralyze you. You just can't. You have a limited time to make your mark and to get the things you want out of this life. You must seize the opportunity, and make the most of the opportunities you have been given. They may not always seem like the 'ideal', but 'ideal' is what you make of it. Relationships, to a great extent, are what you make of them.
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Right now - not too special. When we're together - very. I understand that feeling... its an odd one isn't it. Not feeling you are special until they have deigned to be in your company. IMHO thats not good. [/quote-Coochie]Yeah - it's been decreasing (the special feeling), has been since his son moved in a month ago. Now THAT is a really difficult situation. You must not see his son as a threat (I know you don't in fact). I have no advice on this one. Except perhaps that I do not see a necessary conflict between a relationship and having children. I have no real experience of this. [/quote=Coochie]We spend the weekend (nights) together - days I spend with my daughter - I'm directing a play at the moment & week nights are pretty hectic for me so I need to reconnect with my child on the weekends ... I think his friends/house get moved lower than I if I instigate a 'date'. Well thats something I reckon, but not much IMO. I never got that even if I INSISTED on a date. [/quote=Coochie]No - I can't! The telling answer, he does not have enough time for an in depth relationship. That is not a critiscism of him. This is what you have to decide, do you wait till he has? Do you think it will ever change? What, realistically, could possibly change to affect this? Both our lives are incredibly busy at the moment. And to be honest - he's not a priority for me at the moment. Much as I love him ... And here I refer to you the above reply...... It sounds to me as though you two are too busy/time loaded to enter into a "relationship". That is not to say yu should drop each other. Try to get a more realistic view of the current situation. (Where you are) Then try to decide what you want out of it in the future. (Where you want to get to) Then you can make your mind up as to how you get there. (The route you want to take) With this information you can decide how plausible it is that you two can make it to where you want to be, from where you are at now, using the 'map' you have created.
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 This is bad. Good fences make good neighbors. Other wise their livestock always wander accidentally into your garden. You get the analogy. I stand by my statement. I lived many years in abusive relationships because I lived my life making fear based decisions. It was also something I learned when I joined AA -- it's a protective coping skill you learn often as a child growing up in an emotionally chaotic environment. However, even though those things we learned enabled us to survive, very often they did not teach us how to thrive. So we live off of scraps because we are afraid to get more nourishment, afraid that if we even allow ourselves a taste of fullfillment that we will be as devestated as we were as children when we wanted but only received gushes or trickles, no consistency. Mostly for me it's exposure therapy. Making myself do what I fear the most. Constantly. Because otherwise you can live protecting yourself forever, or risk the pain and learn from it. That was an excellent analogy Blind. As for the rest of your post, So we live off of scraps because we are afraid to get more nourishment, afraid that if we even allow ourselves a taste of fullfillment that we will be as devestated.............. My heart really accepted this. It is so true. We live accepting the warmth we get, back here in the shadows, because we are afraid to move closer to the fire, the fear of being burned. Sometimes when we do get up the courage to move closer we discover that the fire is not so hot anyway, or worse it is just a screensaver on someone else's face and gives no warmth at all.
witabix Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Communication is everything. Maybe you've tried already, but try again. Communicate with him. Tell him that you don't want to be his fifth priority - demand that you be higher. But he won't do anything unless you tell him what you expect, and what the consequences will be if you he doesn't meet those expectations. I don't mean make ultimatums, but just matter of factly explain that this is what you expect in a relationship and that you find it difficult to continue under the adverse conditions you've described. As for fear of commitment, there is nothing in this life worth having that doesn't involve risk, my dear. You face the possibility of rejection in almost every facet of your life. You cannot allow that to paralyze you. You just can't. You have a limited time to make your mark and to get the things you want out of this life. You must seize the opportunity, and make the most of the opportunities you have been given. They may not always seem like the 'ideal', but 'ideal' is what you make of it. Relationships, to a great extent, are what you make of them. Well said Amerikajin..... Coochie, my posts are coming from a recent bad place I was in, I don't think that invalidates my thoughts, but I am glad Amerikajin posted that to you. His is the voice of reason here perhaps.
ehead Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I think Amerikajin's advice is probably the best that's been posted here. Almost all relationship problems ultimately stem from communication problems. Either people are not talking at all, or else they are saying one thing and thinking another, being manipulative, concealing their true feelings, playing head games, whatever .... Honest, open, forthright communication is essential. The one thing about honest and open communication is that you can seldom go wrong. Just remember, you can't make the other person open up, the only thing you can do is be genuine on your side. Then at least you can rest assured you did the right thing and gave it your best shot. Just be genuine. As for your feelings, I know exactly how you feel. Love is like a bonsai tree that two people look after together. Maybe a house would be a better analogy. You feel like you are doing all the work right now, watering the tree (laying the foundation) ... and your boyfriend is distracted with other things. That situation can only go on for so long before you start feeling resentment. Your reservations about the relationship are probably you saying "I'm not going to do all the work. If he isn't interested enough in this to even try, then screw this". As you said though, it probably is not a lack of interest, it's just he is really distracted right now. Tell him how you feel. Tell him you are feeling a little needy right now. It will feel good just to get it off your chest if nothing else. By the way, I had to do the same thing with my current girlfriend. I am the one that put all the effort into the relationship for the first 4 or 5 months, until I finally just had it. It untimately took a fight (our first in 5 months, not bad) for me to open up and tell her all this. Then we went through a phase where she was holding everything together (I was still so pissed at her). That isn't too unusual either. It's a good thing 2 people are looking after that bonsai tree, cause otherwise it just may die. I guess it's just important for there to be balance in the long run really. If it looks like there never will be, that's when you may want to reconsider things.
Author Coochie Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 All good advice - thank you guys. Realtionships are hard work and this is our first hiccough in a year. Communication, although not easy for us, will be the thing that either helps us through this or out of it. It's just a matter of being brave enough to confront it. I know that we have something there - albeit underneath the hectic humdrum of our lives. When we're together there are many beautiful moments that pass between us - soft looks, sweet kisses, deep hugs and meaningful tangos between the sheets So I guess that it's perhaps worth fighting for. We treat each other with respect and enjoy each others company. But the communication thing is a bit of a barnacle on the hull of this loveboat. Time to confront it! To witabix - I hope that your heart is continuing to heal buddy. Sometimes that precious organ can ache more in the breaking than in the actual break.
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