unhappily_married Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hi, I’m new at this so I do apologies in advance especially since this is the first time I have had the opportunity to talk about my situation. I have been with my H for 8 yrs with 1 yr marriage. We first met when I was 18 (H 23) and we hit it off straight away. Although I wasn’t totally attracted to him, it was his personality that attracted me more so. When he met me I was just starting my uni course (5 yrs), so he knew what the next couple of yrs would be like with regards to $. We bought a house (technically he did) after being together for 1 yr. We survived the first 3 yrs quite well and whilst $ was an issue the whole way thru we always thought that that problem would be resolved once I started working. So yes he was basically my provider. WE began to have even more problems when he took me for granted and making me feel guilty for not being able to provide a decent income. He made his job a priority due to the financial burden that was on him. Soon every day we were fighting about something and most cases $. It got to the stage where I was thinking that I would leave, and what made me make the decision was that a guy from uni (yr above) was paying a lot of attention to me. I would classify myself as attractive and easy to get along with, so I have always had a lot of male friends with interest in me. But this guy was different as there was chemistry between us. WE got along so well and were both physically and sexually attracted to each other. After only meeting him for a week I decided to break up with H. But the day I decided to do the deed, he proposed!! He was so oblivious to how unhappy I had been which made me even angrier and after an at the moment “yes” I told him “NO”. I gave him the letter that I had written with the intentions of breaking up! After a long emotional conversation and after almost begging to not leave him, I said “yes”! An answer I am now regretting. I have since finished my course and have been working for the last yr but not to my H expectation. Whilst my earnings have been decent they are not anywhere near the amount my H was hoping for. I must add at this stage that my H is an only child, and has been spoilt since the day he was born. He has had everything he could ever wish for whilst still under his parents wing. He is very materialistic and everything is valued in his life by his possessions. He is also very close to his parents as u can imagine and there were plenty of times where there were issues with his parents and our relationship. His parents are really nice ppl and very lucky to have great parents-in-law however they also get too involved! Anyways, I have 3 other siblings and have always had to wait for everything, but I have had a great childhood and do not regret anything. I was brought up well and respect what I am given and have. I feel like I am never up to his standard from my upbringing to the clothes I have to the income I get. I’m not as interested in materialistic things as he is…whilst I do like to have nice clothes or whatever I do not calculate my success based on that. I still have contact with the other guy from uni and I must say the attraction is still there, from both sides. We have never acted on our feelings but I must say it has gone thru my mind. All I can see in this marriage is unhappiness…..my H is a very unhappy man especially with his focus on $ all the time. He makes me feel miserable. I don’t feel like coming home from work, and am very happy that I’m there til late. He hates his job even to the point of hating his industry, and feels that the only way to being happy is to have his own business…..according to him will never happen as I will never earn enough to support our mortgage on our mansion on the beach! (what he wants or least somewhere upperclass). I don’t want to change what I value but I think the only way to keep us together is for me to do that!! I’m so scared that this will be my miserable future and I don’t want that……what should I do? Please help……unhappily married.
penkitten Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 you know all married couples fight over money at some time, and theres a huge percent that divorce over money problems. however, i dont think its really about the money. i think you are more attracted to this other guy, and you are attracted to the type of attention he gives you verses the type your husband gives you. have you ever told your husband that he doesnt give you the same kind of attention that you would like to recieve? do you treat him with the same type of attention that you treat this other guy with? just some things to consider before making any choices. there are pros and cons to staying in this and making it work happily and ending it now before children are involved. what do you really want to happen? please consider all the out comes before you make any choices.
Author unhappily_married Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Hi penkitten, Yes absolutely! I am more attracted to this other guy and love the attention I get from him. I have talked to my H about not getting the attention I crave, and whilst it does change for a couple weeks its back to the old ways pretty quick. My main problem with the $ issue is that I don't feel I live up to his expectations of a W. He wants the big time earning W that his friends have. I think part of it is being proud of me but at the same time it is constantly putting me down. I feel I'm not good enough for his standards and $ is not the only thing that doesn't reach his expectation. I feel this constant argueing is really making me want out more and more! I also must mention that he has said he is sick of waiting for things to go well for us. He had to wait for me to finish uni in order to be able to have all the things he wanted.....materialistic things...boys toys! and now that I'm not earning what he expected me to earn he is still having to wait. Am I being unreasonable???
penkitten Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 no you are not being unreasonable, you want to be loved for who you are, you need attention and you dont feel as if you have to keep up with the jones's . perhaps you got married too quickly and he guilted you into it, to be honest i am not sure. you need to decide what is win/ win for both of you. if you can not be happy in this marriage, perhaps it was not meant to be. im not saying get divorced, im saying sometimes we often think things are meant to be one way, when they really arent gods will. does that make sense? by all means, i would want to be with someone who liked me and loved me for me and couldnt get enough of me and i couldnt get enough of them. i could be happy with my fiance and my kids if i had nothing but a pop tent and a cane pole. the love that i have with him i can not define in words. i just know that things are not hard in this relationship. things come easy. we want the same things outta life and we feel the same ways about love and attention. my first marriage was very hard and heart breaking, and i had two serious relationships after that and they didnt come as easy either. the first one seemed easy to me, but he found it hard to deal with things on what seemed a daily basis which lead me to believe we should no longer think about marriage, however find out own paths. the second relationship has lots of attention and the chemistry was wonderful, but nothing else was and it was a struggle and we broke up several times before it was over. this relationship is easy, i look in his eyes and i finally feel understood and validated and relaxed. i picture us growing old together and its a wonderful feeling. please understand i dont promote divorce, but i also dont promote unhappy or unhealthy relationships. i just want you to weigh it all out before you put yourself out there. once you say its over, well things completely change now dont they? yes you know that, the last time you said it was over, he cried and you married him. if you decide you are leaving, and you know that is what is best for both of you, then do not let him guilt you into something you do not want to do.
UT_longhorn Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 unhappily, i would suggest asking your husband to go to marriage counseling. if he doesn't agree tell him you want to separate and may consider divorce because of the arguing and the lack of attention. if you can, move out to a friends of family's place. don't give into him if he tells you he wants to work things out immediately. i think it will take something serious to change his ourlook.
Spacekase Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Penkitten touched on something important, I think. It seems to me that you and your H have differing values to some degree, apart from the fighting about $. Seems you hold his obsession with $ and "boy toys" in some degree of contempt. Plus, you are smitten with another guy, and the fact that your H had to talk you into getting married speaks volumes Believe me, I've got problems in my own marriage, but my wife hesitated not at all when I proposed to her! The vibe I get from your post is that you've already mostly withdrawn from the relationship. Counseling can be a good thing, but it won't solve anything without a commitment by both of you. If you're just not into each other anymore, it's probably not going to work. You might want to be wary of your relationship with the other guy. Even if you both dig each other a lot right now, your judgement has to be colored by the fact your marriage is so unhappy. Rebound relationships are rarely good for either partner... but hey it's your life. Hope you find happiness one way or the other, or at least a way out of the problems in which you find yourself. Good luck.
Author unhappily_married Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Thankyou all of you for some very valid points. The hardest thing for me is not wanting to be the bad guy! And penkitten u have really hit the nail on the head.....I want to feel loved and be accepted for who I am with all my faults....obviously there will be things in my life that i would be happy to change but not when it involves changing me the person i am. The reason why this is so hard is cause I do love him but not in love with him...am i making sense??? I care for him and yes when something happens to him it does worry me......i don't know it i could live with myself if something bad happened to him if we did divorce...not that i think he would consider suicide or anything that drastic but i know he would fall apart. He says that i am everything to him yet there is no way i feel like that.....i feel that everything to him is having the title...and i have expressed this on many occasions that i need to feel loved and wanted. I get this from this other guy.....and yes i know rebound! but you see as i have said before i have had plenty of attention from other guys before and recently but it just doesn't feel the same. Thank you all again...i really do appreciate the time you have taken to read my problem and give some advice. It does feel better hearing from other ppl....to know that I"m not the only one feeling this way.
Becoming Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and take the emotional needs inventory and have H do so too. Then talk about the results. Money is usually about security and power. He needs to understand that using you as a kind of cash cow to feel secure about himself is just driving you away. Not feeling in love anymore has nothing to do with love. Love is a commitment, a decision to care for the other no matter what, which is what you vowed to do. That being said, your H's behavior is making it hard for you to do that with joy. Have a heart-to-heart talk with H to give him a chance to change. THEN if things don't you will be able to walk away knowing you did everything you could.
Author unhappily_married Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 thanks I'll check that site..... We have had alot of heart-to-heart talks which we have talked about change. I have expressed how deeply it affects me and whilst he does admit that he shouldn't do it....he still does! and then wonders why i am so ensitive about it.
penkitten Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 some of us learn along the way, that we didnt think or take the time to decide on important things before we got married , because before we got married they didnt seem so important. these things usually consist of: *our goals ( what do we want? do we buy a house? do we purchase a home? buisness? careers? etc) *our priorites ( what comes first? raise a family? own a buisness? go to college to better ourselves? travel ? pay the rent or pay the sears card? what the heck is a budget?) *our religions ( you are one thing, i am another, what do we want our children to be?) *our family (who does what in the household, how many kids and when, what values do we hold dear) *money matters (from the everyday bills and budget to when retirement and death come and everything in between. if our budget calls for macoroni and cheese then we can not afford a big screen) we always think these things come later, after the marriage and we shouldnt. we should be talking and making these plans before the marriage to see if we want the same things out of life. i wish i knew these things my first time around, it would have saved me so much time and trouble if i had only known that we were not ever on the same page. i only hope that one person takes this information and can use it before they get married and that it helps them.
Author unhappily_married Posted February 23, 2006 Author Posted February 23, 2006 as they say hind sight is a wonderful thing...... I was very young when i started this relationship and so much has changed since that day. Whilst i don't regret anything...i do wish i had made some smarter decisions. I think u r absolutely right penkitten all those things should have been sorted out in my own mind(and in his) before getting married. My H is very goal orientated so he knew all of the things he wanted before we even met. Me on the other hand was still searching for what i wanted....especially after only just finishing school. Whilst I don't want to blame this all on my youth, i certainly think it had a large part in it. I have since matured and learnt what i do value in life which is where problems are arising between us. And on a page (we did a goals book) they looked the same i soon came to realise that those goals i put there cos i knew that, that was what he wanted. I want my life to be comfortable. I want to be able to enjoy all those things in my life that make it special.....friends, family and eventually kids. I want to be able to have a few yrs of my career before having kids. And having an average house/car does not worry me one bit. But my H on the other hand wants the best......he wants kids now cos he doesn't want to be an old father (his father was already in his 40's).....he wants a house that everyone goes "wow" at and the car that makes a statement. I think its great that he wants to strive to achieve these things its his attitude towards me that makes me hate those things.....the comments that so often said "we will NEVER be able to afford that" and then becoming extremely depressed and saying that he is a loser. My H idea of being happy is all in the celebrity lifestyle. The rich life....upperclass life....he is never happy with average. And while there r some things that i don't except average for i don't sell myself short saying that we will never get those things......i always believe that if u want something bad enough u will work towards getting it, and succeed! I remember him almost being disgusted with me one time after a D&M where i said as long as i was happy i could handle average, that it didn't matter to me if i weren't rich and living the rich life. He told me that i shouldn't be happy be average as that is being lazy!!??? Each day that i move closer to a decision the next day totally throws me in the opposite direction. Is there ever a right time when u make a decision?? WE are going to see a financial planner in 2 weeks time......i hope this doesn't turn into something nasty =(
Wintersbloom Posted March 1, 2006 Posted March 1, 2006 When someone is never "happy" or always focused upon what he or she doesn’t have or what could be better, to include their spouse, it is often a sign that they may have depression. If this is the case, it can be a life long ailment, many have turned to medication. One clue...if the highs or soooooooooooo high and the lows are sooooooo low or.... there is a constant dissatisfaction with life. There is nothing you can do if your hubby has depression save suggest an evaluation. Best wishes & Peace Always
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