Lil'Lady Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Stats: 6 year relationship. I move to another state for Grad School, come home for break - to discover that he'd been dating someone else (wtf!?!). I broke up with him. After about a month of NC, he calls. It's brief, and I actually feel fine afterwards. 2 more months of NC, and he calls again. The conversation was fine, lasted about 20 min. but afterwards I felt really weird and realized that I'm sure as hell not okay with talking to him yet. A week later, he called again (3 times in one day) and I ignored all of his calls. Then he texted me, which I ignored. A few days later he calls my cell, and my home phone a few times. Then he texts me again telling me that he's lonely, and can't stand not speaking with me. I continue to ignore. Complication: After confiding in my friend, she feels that she knows us well enough to call him and tell him to leave me alone. I did NOT ask her to do this, I realize that she was doing this with the best of intentions, but I had no idea she was going to do it, and I'm actually pretty upset that she did - because the next message I get from him was downright evil. Basically - "don't let your friends do the dirty work for you, have the guts to tell me to go away yourself" kind of attitude. I'm thinking of writing him an email. Not rude, not too emotional - but basically saying that I'm not ready to speak to him yet. My question: Is it even worth doing this? Do you think that this would cause more problems? Should I just continue to ignore? I did not break NC, and I felt a lot better about myself, about work, about school etc. when I WASN'T speaking with him. I know that I could just ignore him, but each time I see his number - I feel absolutely disgusted, depressed, angry etc. and take leaping strides BACKWARDS in my "healing."
Tangerina Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 You need to do what is right for you, BUT..... just ignoring him with no explanation could make it very difficult for him to get over you. That happened to my BF in the past and it took him 2 years to get over the girl... in my opinion part of the reason was because she just ignored him and he felt so dissed that somehow he needed validation from her to get over feeling dissed.... I think it would be a good idea to just write a short, to the point e-mail saying that you need no contact and why... and why should be something really simple and to the point and close-ended... also, if it was me I would include just a short, simple and to the point explanation about what happened with the friend calling him just so I wouldn't feel like a dork thinking he thought I put a friend up to it... other people on here will say you shouldn't care what he thinks, which is true, but it might ease your mind about that aspect of the situation... good luck!
magda Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Actions speak louder than words... why speak to him to tell him that you won't be speaking to him? I think you'll send a clearer message by continuing to avoid contact with him.
Author Lil'Lady Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Actions speak louder than words... why speak to him to tell him that you won't be speaking to him? I think you'll send a clearer message by continuing to avoid contact with him. Yeah, I know. I think my pride is messing with my head (the fact that I had my friend speak for me - even though I didn't). I know that in these kinds of situations, you can never leave on a "positive" note, but I still have that stupid urge for conclusion, and explanation - but I know it will most likely go nowhere, and probably lead to an angry reply message from him. It's difficult, to ignore someone "in style"
bendit Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 If you want the drama to continue then send another email to him. if you want it to stop, then YOU stop. We have to remember that we are in control of what we do, and we can't control what they do. When we participate, we are CONSTRUCTING...we are creating...stuff, drama..tension..intrigue, mental formations in present tense about your past relationship with this person and future stuff, like what they might say in response to YOUR message. All this creation works on us in subtle ways, throwing us off our game, if only temporarily. SO in the end, it all comes back and effects YOU and your life and well being. So if you want MORE peace, then stop the creation of.....ANTI-peace. kind regards
magda Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Ending a 6-year relationship might just warrant a phone number change, also. At least on your cell so he can't send you texts. I think you are very right that if you try to get "closure" you'll just take a step backwards with arguing, etc. It's hard, but if it's over, it's over. You won't be able to talk about it until both of you have left it behind.. a few months after he stops trying to contact you you might be able to have this goodbye conversation, but until then, I'm agreeing that it will probably not end well.
Tangerina Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I'm just saying she should let him know he is being ignored because it would probably help him to stop calling her and help him get over her sooner than if she just dissappears... no arguing, no conversing.... just hi, I don't want you to contact me because I need to get over you.... just because he broke up doesn't mean he is evil and doesn't have feelings... just letting him know what is going on would help a lot, in my opinion
greenshift Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I have to agree with Tangerina. Six years, I think, deserves a short (but *not* angry) email explaining, as briefly as possible, that you wish him no harm, but you can't talk to him for your own well-being. Don't use any "maybe one day"s or anything like that, because that will just impart false hope. It would have been better had you not resumed contact with him after the breakup *at all,* but, given the circumstances and the complexities introduced by your friend's involvement, I think a short note would go a long way towards peace and closure for both of you. Remember, though - if you send him a message, he will respond - don't turn this into a conversation. If I were you, I wouldn't even read his reply. Good luck.
Guest Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Remember, though - if you send him a message, he will respond - don't turn this into a conversation. If I were you, I wouldn't even read his reply. Yeah, I'm def. not wanting a conversation. You'd think that after about 15 ignored phone calls, and 5-ish ignored texts it would reach his brain that I don't want to speak to him. No. He sent me another text last night, demanding to know "what was wrong" I'm still ignoring. My friends think I need to change my cell phone number. If this continues for much longer, I think I will.
Author Lil'Lady Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 ^^^ that was me, by the way ^^^ but i'm guessing y'all got that. lol
greenshift Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but here goes: What's going on is he's jealous, lonely, and feels abandoned. Regardless of the validity of any of those feelings, they're what are driving his actions at the moment. It's easy to be angry when you want to be left alone, when you have plenty of reasons to be angry, even furious. But, try to remember that this is someone form whom you once cared deeply, and him for you. Should he leave you alone? Obviously; but (having read some of your messages, and being very much on your side) try not to be too critical. When I find myself in that situation, I find it difficult to remember what it was like for me when *I* was the one calling, driving by, trying to get her attention. We're all on both sides of this at one time or another. Remember the Golden Rule. And, good luck. Nobody deserves to go throught this. It sucks.
MatchstickFear Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 yeah i had to break nc to get my ex to stop calling me. i was pretty against doing this, but his phone calls (and reeeeaaaaaallly long messages) were starting to screw with my life. i emailed him and told him that i didn't want to speak to him "right now" probably shouldn't have used the termonolgy "right now" but whatever he got the point. he did send me a reply message. it was long and sappy and stupid. if you do contact him, expect a reply in return. don't respond! i agree with whoever up there said that you shouldn't even read it. whatever he has to say, it will just make you more upset. so in my case, contacting him worked. make it short, and to the point. dont draw it out or make it extremely emotional. hang in there -amy
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