lolax Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 are they all liars? some must tell the truth!! some must fall in love with the ow........do you think it true..that if your mm hasnt left in the first 6 months he never will!! or is it just that we as women are so completely different! any advice thanx
newbby Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 lolax, you cant always know what is a lie and what isnt. some are so very good at lying, or even perhaps believe those lies themselves as they say them. my exmm sucked me in time and time again, because i just didnt think anybody would lie so much just for sex! the important thing, is to decide what you want, and stick to it. dont accept less. because if you accept less, you more than likely will end up with less. look inside, do you really want him to leave his wife and be with you? what are the true reasons for this. where does the desire for this outcome come from. is it love? ask yourself all of these questions, and find the answers. once you have the answers, you will know what to do. good luck.
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 The only way a MM can be said to be 'truthful' is if his W is 100% in on everything he does with and feels for OW and OW is 100% in on everything he does and feels for W. Since that doesn't generally happen, on some level MM is inherently a liar to at least one person or another - he has to lie to one to keep the other in the dark. Does he lie to OW when he says he loves her? In his mind, he isn't lying (unless of course he is the type who is literally just in it for the sex) but he knows that saying "love" doesn't equate to "divorce". I guess that would be a lie of omission. The ones that say they are leaving their wives at the time probably think that they are going to leave. Its really easy to say stuff like that in the heat of the moment, but as soon as they get home to W, family, home, future, legacy, etc. all thoughts of leaving that status quo disappear particularly if the marriage is bearable enough and the OW continues to agree seeing him. Do they leave? Sometimes, but that is only if the marriage isn't worth keeping all the status quo stuff that comes along with it and the OW isn't the reason he is leaving necessarily (though she may factor in, when a man leaves a marriage its because the marriage is irretrievably broken in his mind and he just needs a reason to leave). If he hasn't left, or is giving any indications that he is conflicted (he brings up his children, or his finances, etc) then chances are he won't leave.
Guest Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I couldn't agree more......I do think some men want to leave and be with the OW but rarely do for a multitude of reasons.......and they always manage to come up with so many........ funny b/c I am actually in NC with my OM ( i a married) and the last time we communicated was with me ending it......he starts to go on about looking for an apartment.....now I have never asked him to leave his W.....he is the one who has been talking of a future with me and when it has gotten to that I have backed away for a while only to come back to the A. It's strange b/c I dont want him to leave for me.........and I've said to him that I think he says things that he THINKS I want to hear......he claims of course that is not true, that this is how he feels..........blah blah blah...... i dont think his marriage is as bad as he claims it is..........but we will never know......... and I can guarantee that he will NEVER leave and without me, eventually he will find a replacement to fullfill whatever needs were previously satisfied by me........
Sami_D Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 are they all liars? some must tell the truth!! some must fall in love with the ow........do you think it true..that if your mm hasnt left in the first 6 months he never will!! No, I don't think that's true. I have no idea where that figure comes from ... to be honest, reading about MM who DO leave... the affair has often been going on for more than 2 years. I think my MM is being honest with me. But like Erica said... being in love with OW, and even saying they WANT to leave, and their M is dead... doesn't mean to say that they WILL leave... It takes a lot for a man to walk away from a marriage. A LOT... most of them won't, even if they love the OW.
Sassy Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 There are some good men out there i just seem to not be finding them. But i would have to say from my expierence that men are liars and will do what ever to justify them lying and not see it as being a big deal.
Author lolax Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 No, I don't think that's true. I have no idea where that figure comes from ... to be honest, reading about MM who DO leave... the affair has often been going on for more than 2 years. I think my MM is being honest with me. But like Erica said... being in love with OW, and even saying they WANT to leave, and their M is dead... doesn't mean to say that they WILL leave... It takes a lot for a man to walk away from a marriage. A LOT... most of them won't, even if they love the OW. hi sami thanks for your words of wisdom again i read on another sit some months ago . that if a mm does not leave within the first 6 months...they rarely do?? i do hope that you are right and that this is not true!! so are you still in a relationship with your mm ? how do you cope ? do you find it easy? does he lie to you lola x;)
Author lolax Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 lolax, you cant always know what is a lie and what isnt. some are so very good at lying, or even perhaps believe those lies themselves as they say them. my exmm sucked me in time and time again, because i just didnt think anybody would lie so much just for sex! the important thing, is to decide what you want, and stick to it. dont accept less. because if you accept less, you more than likely will end up with less. look inside, do you really want him to leave his wife and be with you? what are the true reasons for this. where does the desire for this outcome come from. is it love? ask yourself all of these questions, and find the answers. once you have the answers, you will know what to do. good luck. surely sex with no feeling is crap........mm would surely get bored:(
silktricks Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 my exmm sucked me in time and time again, because i just didnt think anybody would lie so much just for sex! Don't sell yourself short newbby, I'm sure there was more involved than just sex.
Curmudgeon Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I don't lie to my wife or anyone else. Then again, I don't have an OW. If I ever wanted to stray I'd leave and divorce my wife first. That's certainly a more honest approach. There's only one possible deal-breaker in our marriage and that's infidelity. It hasn't happened and won't because we take our vows, and one another, seriously. We waited a long time for one another and neither of us will jeopardize what we found in each other.
Chump64 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 The only way a MM can be said to be 'truthful' is if his W is 100% in on everything he does with and feels for OW and OW is 100% in on everything he does and feels for W. Since that doesn't generally happen, on some level MM is inherently a liar to at least one person or another - he has to lie to one to keep the other in the dark. Exactly. To be a MM in an affair = lying, unless it's an open marriage situation that is A-OK with all parties involved. My husband lied to his OW. Not about loving her -- he did love her, maybe he still does. But he'd lie to her about little things. She would get mad at him for not calling and he would lie and say he tried to call. He would feign interest in chit-chatty stuff about her kids to appease her from getting mad, so that she would agree to have sex with him on that particular day. I suspect she was equally manipulative about some things.
Author lolax Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Don't sell yourself short newbby, I'm sure there was more involved than just sex. affairs with mm wouldnt last sol ong if they were just about sex, and besides you would know, you would feel it as women knows when she is being used just for sex! and love just would not come into it...this is why they affairs of the heart!!and why they last so ****ing long!!! plus theres no seems to get bored with their mm...do they!
Woggle Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 The first mistake you women make is trusting a cheated man in the first place.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I don't lie to my wife or anyone else. Then again, I don't have an OW. If I ever wanted to stray I'd leave and divorce my wife first. That's certainly a more honest approach. There's only one possible deal-breaker in our marriage and that's infidelity. It hasn't happened and won't because we take our vows, and one another, seriously. We waited a long time for one another and neither of us will jeopardize what we found in each other. Great post Curmudgeon. If someone wants to be with someone else, fine do just that, but END the marriage and relationship you're in first. Though most would never do that because 'messing around with someone else' isn't a forever thing. It's more like a "I'm bored and wanna try this...But I'll come back into the marriage/relationship when I realize or feel ready to."
Sami_D Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 hi sami thanks for your words of wisdom again i read on another sit some months ago . that if a mm does not leave within the first 6 months...they rarely do?? i do hope that you are right and that this is not true!! so are you still in a relationship with your mm ? how do you cope ? do you find it easy? does he lie to you lola x;) Well I don't know how people collect data on affairs... since most people in affairs aren't going to tell Anyone Anything about it. Most of it's probably made up. Yes, I'm still in a relationship with my MM. I've written a bit more about it on some threads here. How I cope..? Try not to obsess about it. Take it day by day and trust that IF he turns out to be unable to leave, that I'll be able to break it off with him. I don't want a long-term affair. And I have no idea if he's lied to me about anything. I don't think he has, but how can you tell if someone is lying...? If they're a good liar, then you don't really know. I don't think he's much of a liar... Like last week I knew exactly when he sent my Valentines card... because he was all suspicious and flustered when he came out of the supermarket and made up some nonsense about not being able to find what it was he went in for lol. Anyway, he hasn't got much to lie to me about. He's never made a promise to me (well, not a major one). He's not even said he can definitely leave. He's just doing what he can to sort it out, and is pretty open about his thoughts and feelings in it all. I've said it here before, but lying by omission is very much easier than a flat out lie. And he's told very few flat out lies to his W in this. One I know for sure was last week when he told her he was going to a work meeting but he was actually coming to see me. He doesn't like lying. He is, however, deceitful, admittedly.
Chump64 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Take the rose colored glasses off, sistah. Back to the OP: Do all married men lie? No. Do all cheating married men lie? Yes. It's pretty simple.
Curmudgeon Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 It's more like a "I'm bored and wanna try this...But I'll come back into the marriage/relationship when I realize or feel ready to." ...the straying spouse wants to come back and nobody's home.
newbby Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Don't sell yourself short newbby, I'm sure there was more involved than just sex. no there wasnt. but i'm not selling myself short. it doesnt matter what you have to offer, if somebody only wants sex, that is all they will look at. there were things about the relationship that suited me, but with that came alot of s***. unfortunately mm couldnt be honest enough, or at least could not accept my honesty (without transferring his ideas about what i wanted), so that we could have had a relationship that suited us both, AND was pleasant and honest. most mm are not honest for exactly this reason, they have ideas of their own about what all women want, no matter what the women might tell them. they then lie to suit their idea of what they think women want. mostly they are correct. even if they are not, lies still hurt, so whatever your reasons are, for being in the relationship, theres still pain.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Nah, not all of them lie. Reminds me of that old joke "How do you tell if a cheating MM is lying?" "His lips are moving!"
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