Babylove Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Hi there, I've been in a relationship with a MM, (who has 2 young children) for 6 months now (3 of which I was overseas for..however we were in contact everyday). He told me that he wanted a future with me, and was going to see a lawyer, about a month or so into the relationship. However now, a few more months down the track, I seem to be getting nothing but excuses...'these things take time', 'i don't think I can leave my kids' 'i want to get my wife to agree to sell the house first, then I'll leave'...'I'm scared of all the heartache'..and he still hasn't seen the lawyer!! I don't wanna put my life on hold for much longer! I know I'm probably just kidding myself in thinking that he is actually going to leave now,...but I was just wondering what others thought about giving him a deadline, and what should it be? And, what deadlines have you given your MM to leave their wifes?
Tiny Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I know I'm probably just kidding myself in thinking that he is actually going to leave now,...but I was just wondering what others thought about giving him a deadline You said it all yourself, as for a deadline, the only one you should make, is to yourself, and call it quits now.
newbby Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 dont put your life on hold. he's not gonna leave. these are just seductive words. sorry. get over it now, asap, and dont look back.
Art_Critic Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 dont put your life on hold. he's not gonna leave. these are just seductive words. sorry. get over it now, asap, and dont look back. I agree with Newbby.. He isn't going to leave her.. Rationalizing the relationship is what the OW does and what she fails to see is that it isn't a normal relationship to be rationalized...The MM tells the OW that he will leave his wife to keep the OW hooked.. He won't leave her
Holdusdown Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I dont think he will leave her either. The way he sees it, he has 1 wife, but he can always have more women like you. Go ahead sit around, wait for his call, wanting despratly to steal his attention on forbidden time. Dont be that girl. Dont let a mans actions dictate how you live. Find someone else and start relationship that is not based on a lie. I am so sick of women being a mans "litte side dish". Be more than that. If he really loved you, he would be with you right now. But, in the end we are treated the way we are allowed to be treated.
lolax Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 dear babylove, i have been in a relationship with a married for nearly 6 months now , he has been married for 12 years and has 3 young kids...........do i think he will leave...dont know....maybe......no one knows! he makes little hints about leaving, i should of never married her etc. etc. i dont really react to his comments....if he decides to leave then so be it!! dont get me wrong ,i love him and want to be with him, but i know if i hassle him i could lose him! its a tough old game and you have to a be a tough old cookie at times! my advice to you is either finish it now ,or exept it for what it is and dont mention leaving anymore.....unless he brings it up! l know its hard .....so hard..but you are the only one who can make that decision ! wish i could walk away...cant do it ! HOOKED!! GOOD LUCK X;)
newbby Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 ,i love him and want to be with him, but i know if i hassle him i could lose him! its a tough old game and you have to a be a tough old cookie at times! a common mistake all women make. they dont ask for what they want, for fear of pushing him away. settling for nothing less than the best treatment of you in an exclusive relationship does not equate with hassling. you dont need to say anything much at all. just dont stick around. being tough, sometimes means being brave enough to first identify and then ask for what you really want, and i am sure that is far more attractive than just pussyfooting around and trying to please. not criticising, i've made the same mistakes. partly i think it stems from not really knowing what you want, therefore not asking for it. most important of all is to KNOW what you want and WHY, without lying to yourself. once you have that info, everything else is easy.
a4a Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 a common mistake all women make. they dont ask for what they want, for fear of pushing him away. settling for nothing less than the best treatment of you in an exclusive relationship does not equate with hassling. you dont need to say anything much at all. just dont stick around. being tough, sometimes means being brave enough to first identify and then ask for what you really want, and i am sure that is far more attractive than just pussyfooting around and trying to please. not criticising, i've made the same mistakes. partly i think it stems from not really knowing what you want, therefore not asking for it. most important of all is to KNOW what you want and WHY, without lying to yourself. once you have that info, everything else is easy. Sheer Brilliance Newbby! So True!! a4a- ain't a thing but a chicken wing
RedRose3373 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Hello If your MM doesn't leave within the first few months, he's not going to leave. I waited for my MM month after month after month & i found myself, 3 years later, still waiting. 3 YEARS!!! & he was still telling me that he will leave "next month". So i had no choice but to leave him & make the decision for him. Yes i do miss him & love him, but i had no choice but to end things. I deserve someone who will put me 1st not 2nd. & i know i will find him.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 This man will not leave his wife and children - Ever. Even if he implies he will, he won't. They have a family together. Inlaws, neighbours, friends, a life together. Marriage vows, a house, and so if you think he is going to give all that up for you, please - Think again. Dont mean to sound harsh, but the sooner you see your MM is NOT ever going to leave and let go of his life - THe better off you will be. You won't be first in his life. You won't be a big part of his life. Yet, he will (and probably is) number one in your life! Don't you think you deserve a man, a SINGLE free man, to be in your life? Put you first? I think you need that, not some man who just makes you feel good! A man who will never be yours because he is married and belongs to someone else. Plus, the children. Think of them. And if this MM ever was to leave, his wife will ALWAYS be a part of his life because of their kids. FOREVER. Even if you hate her, she will be there - Xmas, birthday parties, weddings, and all other functions including their children...(just trying to get you to see the full picture here...) Think outside the box, k. Not just what you want. Think what is best for those kids. Also, if he has told you he's unhappy with his wife, or says she's a mean person and treats him badly - THAT isn't true. I'm sure their life is wonderful and even more wonderful for him because he has you in his life too. Two women who serve him in two different ways. Why would he want to mess that up? DO you really believe everything he says? He is lying to his wife, so why wouldn't he lie to you?
Guest Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I agree completely..... I've been in an A for 2 years. I am married and so is he. he has always been the one to start the talk of "being together" and then I get swept up in his fantasy..b/c that is what is always is and they may even believe it themselves when they tell you they are going to leave...... then I get scared b/c I realize that I dont really want that and I back away for a time only to start up the A again slowly to have it end up where he starts talking about a future again...... I have said to him........we are not reality. we have ono "noise" to deal with. when we get together it is only to give each other what each other needs, emotionally and physically and that is why is seems SO SPECIAL......trading in one for another is not the answer...... I actually am in the process of NC and walking away for many reasons......... trying to stay strong and only time will heal. If you are single and hoping he will leave, 9 out of 10 times, you will be waiting a long time...... especially if it is a long term marriage with a lot of baggage........ besides why do they have to leave when you are there for them.......... everybody deserves to be number 1......
Sami_D Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Hi there, I've been in a relationship with a MM, (who has 2 young children) for 6 months now (3 of which I was overseas for..however we were in contact everyday). He told me that he wanted a future with me, and was going to see a lawyer, about a month or so into the relationship. However now, a few more months down the track, I seem to be getting nothing but excuses...'these things take time', 'i don't think I can leave my kids' 'i want to get my wife to agree to sell the house first, then I'll leave'...'I'm scared of all the heartache'..and he still hasn't seen the lawyer!! I don't wanna put my life on hold for much longer! I know I'm probably just kidding myself in thinking that he is actually going to leave now,...but I was just wondering what others thought about giving him a deadline, and what should it be? And, what deadlines have you given your MM to leave their wifes? I answered a question similar to this on another thread, so you might like to go and check that out. I'd add... In response to your question about deadlines... I'd say they're a waste of time. This is HIS marriage, his life... it has to be his timescale to leave. All those broken promises from MM about 'leaving in 2 months' etc. aren't worth the paper they're written on. No one knows what they're going to be thinking or feeling or doing in 2 months. The only deadline you give should be one to yourself... about how long you will give yourself to wait for him. You can choose to let him in on that or not. Either way, the only thing you can decide is about your involvement with him. Leave his marriage to him.
Author Babylove Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Hi All, Thanks so much for your advice! I know deep down that he is never going to leave his wife, it's just SO hard letting go of this person that I love, and something which has been such a big and intense part of my life for the past 6 months. I know now that a deadline is pointless and that I have to end it..I just hope i find the strength to do it soon. The whole situation is just becoming too painful. The wanting to be with him all the time, but not being able to is just so unbearable.
RedRose3373 Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hey Babylove Yes u know deep down inside that he will never leave. I did too, however, i let mine continue for over 3 full years. Those 3 years were so great & filled with love each & everyday, but obviously not enough of love. He never left. It killed me to walk away, but u get to a point where u r so fed up that u have no choice but to walk away. I wish i walked away a long time ago, first 6 months. U r lucky that its only 6 months. I wasted 3 years of my life waiting for this man. If u would like to email me on my personal email, let me know. I might be of some help. Good luck! & know that u deserve so much better than to be the OW, just like i do!!
lizad Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hi there.....I have been in an A. for 2 years......I have been the one struggling to walk away prob. one a month since the beginning.....we are both married....... I finally got the courage once again and hopefully for the last time to walk away. there has been NC for a week, shut down my e-mail address and so on and I am just taking one day at a time......... his marriage is very different than mine......or so he claims. he had gotten caught many years ago having a 2 nite fling.......the W stayed however has never really forgiven him.....they have 3 young children....... i have been married 20 years and when I started the A.....did so for reasons that I have since worked out with a therapist. however, I did fall in love with the OM.......so to speak. i fell in love with the way he made me feel but then again that is what we did for each other.....a fantasy life where it just revolved around him and I making each other feel great..... He has been the one to say he wants to be with me forever and so on......my point is......even though I cant see a future with him and he THINKS he sees and wants one with me........he is still there. I told him if he needs to leave his situation.......to do it for himself........not for anyone else. he does not want to be alone and I guarantee if I was to say to him I would leave to be with him..he still would not be able to leave.......... when there is history and children and so on........it is very difficult and rare that the man leaves......not b/c he doesnt WANT to but they just dont........ anyway, HE is the one w ho has
Guest33 Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 settling for nothing less than the best treatment of you in an exclusive relationship does not equate with hassling. This is too funny. If OW were the type of women who don't settle for "nothing but the best"... they wouldn't be with a MM to begin with. These women obviously suffer from self-esteem problems.
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