brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Some background: ML contacted me on an online dating website and we'd been talking since Dec., and started dating in Jan. We talk on the phone and email each other almost daily. He's 33, I'm 24. After several long-term relationships he decided to take a break from serious relationships and focus on his career and work on his personal issues. That break lasted 7 years. I also took some time for myself: my last relationship lasted 3 years and ended almost a year ago. His parents divorced when he was 15, my parents are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary next week. He comes from a more liberal upbringing, mine was more conservative. We both believe in monogamy and fidelity in a relationship. Last night was our 6th date. After a movie and dinner we watched tv at his place. It's the first time I've seen his city crash pad. We were just holding each other on the sofa talking and watching Iron Chef (Go Mario!) when he blurted out, "Will you be my girlfriend?" I was really surprised and happy. After we talked a bit and defined "coupledom," I hugged and kissed him and said, "Ok." Violins played in the background and rose petals filled the air. Now that I'm home and the effects of the oxytocin brain-flood from all the hugging and kissing have started to wear off, I'm becoming mildly anxious. When I had brought up, "If we're dating only each other, does this mean that we can delete our online profiles?" And he said, "Why? I'm just curious about who's on there." Which to me seems to say, "I still like to look around at who else is available." And I said, "Well, I'd only leave it up if I were still looking." And he said, "Ok, I'll take it down." When I got home I logged in to delete my profile but I noticed that his was only "turned off/temporarily inaccessible," not removed. Which means that he can still log in and browse profiles anytime, but his log-in dates won't show. So, I ended up just turning mine off as well. I've since written an email saying: 1. That I had a wonderful time and was really happy that he wanted to be with me. 1. But I also sensed some hesitation on his part to delete his profile, which might indicate that he's still looking. 2. That maybe I agreed to being a couple prematurely and would need a few days to think, and that I had turned off my profile in the meantime. 3. That I'd like to be sure that he definitely wants to date only me, and if he still needs time to explore his options that's fine, I'd just prefer to know instead of jumping in too soon. Questions: 1. Should I put on the brakes? 2. Should I not have agreed to be his gf at this time? 3. Did I do the right thing in asking for some time to think? I did clarify how much I do like him, and I just want to be sure that we're on the same page. 4. What do you think is going on in his head? Is he really still looking, or is this just about "maintaining his independence"? 5. Would you delete your profile once you decide to be exclusive? 6. What're your reasons if you decide to wait to delete or hold onto a temporary profile? What do I do now?
RubixCube28 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 So who won the iron chef or the challenger LoL..Sorry any ways ok I'll share some prevous life experances.. I once had a guy I met on line say the same thing and he.. Wouldent change his profile eather turned out.. He was still in chat too I caut him in it myself troling for other girls..He continued to play those head games with me for years.. It hurt at 1st but atfer a while I stoped takeing him seriously.. And saw him for what he was a sad wanna be on line player.. So my advice is this if he cares for you enough.. To ask you to be his gf then he should remove any profile.. On all sites or at least list himself as not single and in a happy relshionship..Heres a hint if a guy is really happy with a girl.. He will happily list it on his profile and look foward.. To telling the world he found some one.. Don't settle for ever being some ones here and now.. Till something better comes along.. Belive me make sure your his one and only don't except any less... Also its a red flag if he never introduces you to any of his friends.. And or family eather I knew that guy for years..And never met his mom.. Just some stuff to think about.. Best of luck to you..
juliainoz Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I had a situation where my boyfriend when he asked if we could be together, just us exclusively, asked me if i want him to take down his profile, i said its up to you what u do, i dont want to force u to do something. He took down the profile that night, deleted his account. It was not a question of - i still want to look around
Walk Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I'd be upset if the guy who just asked me to be exclusive was still "curious as to who was on there". I agree with the above poster about if a man is serious about you, they aren't curious about who else is out there. At all. I think your questions are valid, and well put. And you deserve to have answers from your "boyfriend". If that's what he wants to be. Otherwise, he's asking you to trust him, yet continuing an action that promotes distrust. Last thing... His excuse of just being curious as to who is on there is not valid. If the site was for networking professionals in his field of expertise, it would be different. If he were expanding his knowledge reading scientific journals, or surfing the internet for dating advice, info on how to make relationships work, or learning how to fix cars, then there's nothing wrong with that. But to stay on a site because you want to see who other women on there are, when you're asking someone else to agree to be exclusive to you, is hypocritical.
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Maria Batali won against Tamara Murphy! And the main ingredient was crawfish. Maybe it was his clogs, they ruined her mojo. It's amazing how he always keeps his cool AND sense of humor even under pressure. If you're ever in the NYC area, try stop by one of his restaurants, his food really does rock. I agree with you. If the man's serious he'd take his profile down. Good thing you saw that one guy's true colors. I hope that you got away mostly intact. How long were you going out? He says that his friends ask about me and that they're looking forward to meeting me. And he also seems eager to have me meet and hang out with them. I'll believe it when I see it. So who won the iron chef or the challenger LoL..Sorry any ways ok I'll share some prevous life experances.. I once had a guy I met on line say the same thing and he.. Wouldent change his profile eather turned out.. He was still in chat too I caut him in it myself troling for other girls..He continued to play those head games with me for years.. It hurt at 1st but atfer a while I stoped takeing him seriously.. And saw him for what he was a sad wanna be on line player.. So my advice is this if he cares for you enough.. To ask you to be his gf then he should remove any profile.. On all sites or at least list himself as not single and in a happy relshionship..Heres a hint if a guy is really happy with a girl.. He will happily list it on his profile and look foward.. To telling the world he found some one.. Don't settle for ever being some ones here and now.. Till something better comes along.. Belive me make sure your his one and only don't except any less... Also its a red flag if he never introduces you to any of his friends.. And or family eather I knew that guy for years..And never met his mom.. Just some stuff to think about.. Best of luck to you..
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 You are a very lucky girl! He's definitely into you. Are you still together? I had a situation where my boyfriend when he asked if we could be together, just us exclusively, asked me if i want him to take down his profile, i said its up to you what u do, i dont want to force u to do something. He took down the profile that night, deleted his account. It was not a question of - i still want to look around
MelissaL Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 What he means is "I want you to be my girlfriend for now, but I'm going to keep looking in case something better comes along." You deserve better than that, so if he won't give it to you, find someone who will. Do you really want to settle for someone who still needs to explore his options because he doesn't see how great you are?
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Hi Walk, Good to hear from you again. How is your bf working out? Tell me about it. I was all happy and giddy when he asked me to "be his girlfriend." Then when the the profile thing came up it kind of ruined the moment a bit. He answered my email bringing up all this stuff. I'll post it on here shortly. Anyway, I've written (but haven't yet sent) another email basically saying: It was really sweet of him to ask, but if there's still some doubt and hesitation then we should just continue dating instead of forcing the exclusivity. In other words, my answer was: "Not YET." He said part of the reason he's hesitant is that he's not sure that we'd be sexually compatible. But since we ended up kissing again last night he said it could really work out. The thing is, I really don't want to have sex until I'm married. And who knows when that'll happen! And I'm starting to feel the pressure from him. I can be very affectionate to a point. But if sex is one of his main reasons for being in a relationship, this could a deal breaker. I really like him, and feel like I could fall in love with him, how do I handle this part? Your last sentence really hit home. I might have to call him out on that one! I'd be upset if the guy who just asked me to be exclusive was still "curious as to who was on there". I agree with the above poster about if a man is serious about you, they aren't curious about who else is out there. At all. I think your questions are valid, and well put. And you deserve to have answers from your "boyfriend". If that's what he wants to be. Otherwise, he's asking you to trust him, yet continuing an action that promotes distrust. Last thing... His excuse of just being curious as to who is on there is not valid. If the site was for networking professionals in his field of expertise, it would be different. If he were expanding his knowledge reading scientific journals, or surfing the internet for dating advice, info on how to make relationships work, or learning how to fix cars, then there's nothing wrong with that. But to stay on a site because you want to see who other women on there are, when you're asking someone else to agree to be exclusive to you, is hypocritical.
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 I hear ya! Ugh. Well, I suppose I can't force someone to want only me. In the meantime, I'll have to keep my options open. It's just such a bummer when you're feel "sure" about someone but it's not totally reciprocated. What he means is "I want you to be my girlfriend for now, but I'm going to keep looking in case something better comes along." You deserve better than that, so if he won't give it to you, find someone who will. Do you really want to settle for someone who still needs to explore his options because he doesn't see how great you are?
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Here're the relevant parts of the email that I got: ---------------- You are an amazing kisser. I didn't notice that you almost tripped, but it's good that my kisses mess up your coordination, that way you can't run away very easily. I can catch you like a cheetah does an uncoordinated new born fawn. I was a little hesitant, yes. My concern was that even though we seem to be very mentally compatible and I'm definitely visually and physically attracted to you, that we might not be sexually compatible. But after our kisses ... I had this big devil grin on my face on the way home and I said to myself, "This is going to work out great!" After 7 yrs. of thought, and gut that I trust, I know when I have hesitations that I should not press through. The one I had about us, was not a stopper, it was a blinking yellow light, but I looked both ways and drove straight on through. As far as exploring options and searching ... the universe knows what I need and what it's willing to present to me. My job is to keep my eyes open and clean and make decisions upon those choices at the right time. I haven't gone blind because of you. If something isn't working between us, I'll tell you, and we'll make decisions based on those conversations. I can honestly say, you fit into what I've wished for. The thing that makes me nervous is getting what I wish for. But that is an issue with truly knowing myself. I think I do, more than the average joe, but how does one know? Only time will tell. I'd like to spend that time with you. If you need to "Sleep on it," that's cool. I'm at your service. I turned off my profile first thing when I got home last night. I didn't delete it either, I figure that step is for when the 'I love you(s)' come out. It's good to examine and analyze and talk about these things. ---------------- (End of email).
Author brightskies Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 This was my reply to the email above: ---------------- It's quite a lot to chew on and you've brought up some important points. I'm happy that we're compatible and mutually attracted to each other. Some thoughts to consider: About exclusivity: this was incredibly sweet of you and I appreciate your asking. It was a genuine surprise as I had no set expectations and was just taking things as they would come. However, if either one of us is still not sure, then we'd be fooling ourselves and it would be rather hypocritical to be a couple at this point. If I'm going to be with someone then I'm really with that person and aren't going to look around anymore. It would great if we ever get to that point and learn to trust each other completely. Until that happens, I guess that we should just focus on getting to know each other better and enjoy our time together. About sex: This might sound very weird in this day and age, but I do take intimacy, especially this kind of intimacy, seriously. While I can be very affectionate, I won't be sexually intimate with someone until he and I are married and fully committed to each other later on. For something this special I'm willing to take the time. In conclusion: We're just dating as of now, why not relax and enjoy it? Perhaps it would be better to wait a bit. If we eventually become much closer, wonderful. I do like you very much, but I'd rather not force anything. Alright, enough serious talk. What're you having for dinner? ---------------- (End of email).
Author brightskies Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Alrighty, he just called cause he wanted to talk and straighten some things out in both our letters. When he said. "I haven't gone blind because of you." He said this didn't mean that he was still looking for someone else, but that he won't let his emotions take over reason, that if an issue comes up, he'd like us to deal with it together and more rationally. About his profile, he said that he's not looking anymore and he isn't keeping one foot in the dating pool. It's an efficiency thing, in case we don't work out, then he won't have to re-do it. Fair enough. I can understand that there's till some trepidation. Heck, I'm nervous too. In the meantime, we both turned our profiles off. Who knows what the future holds. He said that I can take as much time as I need to think about it, and that he'd really like me to be his girlfriend and be with him. He also said that he's willing to wait (sexually). This last one was very surprising to me. I had figured that he would just call everything off, considering that he'd always said sex was very important to him. But he also said that he had the discipline to avoid casual sex, and that he really wants to be with me and he would respect my decision to wait until full commitment/marriage. So, I'm going to mull it over for a bit. Thanks for all your opinions and advice! I'm definitely going to slow things down, 'cause I don't want to settle for being the "right now" girl. Screw that! I'm not saying "yes" until I'm sure and he's sure. Thanks for pointing stuff out.
Walk Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Glad the two of you were able to discuss that. He sounds really open and willing to discussion. That's awesome! I'm really happy for you!
Author brightskies Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Glad the two of you were able to discuss that. He sounds really open and willing to discussion. That's awesome! I'm really happy for you! Thanks, I'm glad too. After all the wrenching drama of my last relationship, it's so good to meet someone more mature and have things flow more smoothly for a change instead of screaming about every little problem. Of course, I've had to do some growing up, too. It feels weird, but I like it this way. I'm just starting to realize that falling for someone doesn't always have to be full of pain and suffering. What a revolutionary concept!
Recommended Posts