greenshift Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 What would have been my sixth anniversary is coming up in March. Divorce was finalized back at the end of September. For all the drama you can handle, read: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t65660/?highlight=greenshift In December, I ran into X, completely by accident, when she was on a date. I was walking down the sidewalk after having been out with some friends, telling everyone that I was "really okay now" (Riiiiiight). I turned a corner, and just about (physically) ran into my ex. It took me about two or three seconds to recognize her. I don't think I've seen her that dressed up (casual, but obviously spent quite a bit of time getting ready for her date) since *we* were dating. That was December 20th. In January I found that prescriptoin drugs + merlot + depression + no friends answering their phone = one week in the hospital on an IV. (On the up side, I couldn't eat the whole time and lost 18 lbs, which puts me at 5'9, 148. I should probably go eat a bowl of whip cream or something.) Seeing a counselor about that, same one I've been seeing since June when I tried to get Lori to go to marriage counselling. We *were* talking regularly; after my trip to the ER my sister asked Lori not to talk to me, said it was too hard for me. Lori agreed and we talked just once since then, when she said that we shouldnt talk for awhile. Sister said X was very emotional about my ER visit, worried, etc. Maybe that was the point - I guess that makes me the selfish jerk. A few days ago I got an email copy of her family newsletter (why the hell am I still on that list?!) and there was a note about Lori visiting Park Cities, Utah with her new BF, the same guy that I ran into her with. It's snowing in Utah. She *HATES* snow, to the point where she refused to go anywhere cold with me, except for one ski trip where she had a great time despite herself. But, that's not really the point. The point is that I feel like crap. It's been four months since the divorce, and she's already taking weekend trips with this guy? At this rate she'll be remarried and pregnant by the end of the year. I know I shouldn't care - I shouldn't even *KNOW* what's going on with her- but it hurts, kills me that I'm that easy to get over. We were together for eight years; shouldn't that be worth at least a decent mourning period? I miss her terribly. How do I deal with this? What can I do, for me, to get past this and be happy for her? Why is she having such an easy time when it's so, so hard for me? Dave.
willduggan Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 wow this almost exact same thing happened with me and my ex. after being dumped a few weeks after we ran into eachother at a walmart and i had just gotten to the stage i thought i was over her.. to be honest the only thing you can do is break any and all contact with her and to put away any nik nacs you may have left over.. i assume she wanted the divorce? thats kinda how it was with me. and i couldnt understand what was so bad about the relationship. i even went to the hospital much like yourself. your not gonna like what you have to do.. but you need to get out and do other activities, things with new people and try to make a new way for yourself.. the thing you need to realize is that your gonna find someone who fits you just right, or close enough to mesh for the rest of your life.. if your ex wife really loved you and cared about you as much as you think.. she would be at your doorstep fighting for the relationship. and she isnt right? you deserve better.. its gonna suck.. i know. i did the whole road of self hating and not eating.. and it sucked.. but after enough time youlle start to look around and see other women, ones that WANT YOU, and not some other jerk. if you can find the strength inside to just put yourself out there, meet new people. do new things(take up a sport at a local gym or something?) you will find yourself feeling better.. not only because you will be distracted but because your body will be releasing those ever so nice endorphins(sp) as for feeling good for her... you probably wont.. if your like me you will be bitter until you find someone else, then you will forget she ever existed:) i hope you feel better, i really do. your tough, dont let anyone turn you into a wreck, no person should have that kind of power over you.. goodluck.
Author greenshift Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Thanks - I really do feel your pain. I just composed the following email: ----------- You know what? I'm tired of beating myself up over this. I made a lot of mistakes over the past year, but I tried. I really, honestly tried as hard as I could. And I still believe that, had you also tried, things could have been great between us. But, you took the easier way out, and gave up. The whole game about "waiting to see if I had changed" was really just you avoiding our issue - ours, not just mine - while you got to have your fun and act like a spoiled child. But *I* bought it, and I tried. You cheated on (ex she dated before me), you cheated on me; what's going to happen when (new loser [who may be a really nice guy]) or whomever forgets to take out the trash and you decide that you're just not attracted to them anymore? When you love someone, you talk about these things before it gets to that point. If necessary, you set the house on fire to get their attention. When you're selfish, you wait patiently for things to miraculously improve and then, when (surprise!), then don't, you do whatever you want, without concern for anyone else, or even much for what your self-destructive behavior is doing to you. As long as you don't respect yourself, you won't respect anyone who does. I know by saying this I'm probably destroying any chance I ever have of speaking to you again, being your friend, and that hurts. I really do miss you. But, I'm getting over it. ------------------------ But, I didn't send it. Like you said, why let her have that power over me. I think this is the "anger" stage of grieving. =( D
Author greenshift Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 By the way: your statement if your ex wife really loved you and cared about you as much as you think.. she would be at your doorstep fighting for the relationship. and she isnt right? really struck a chord with me. Not just now - we're divorced, she's moved on - but through the whole separation process and everything that followed. One night, she did show up on my doorstep, cried, let me hold her told me that she loved me so, so much - but she never asked me to take her back, never said she was sorry. And that was the one moment in a year when she showed any real sign of doubt. (And, yes, this whole thing was her idea, not mine. She was the center of my universe.) It sucks, but she just wasn't willing to put us first, and try. I hate for that, even though I love her. How wierd is that?
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