Guest Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I am recovering from an affair. Husband has cut of contact from woman (that I know of) even though they work together. I am confident the emails, text messageges and phone calls have stopped, but how do I know for sure? How should he be acting? He spends time on the tv and computer, and does not want to talk, even though he talked with his OW for at least an hour everyday. Does he miss that? Why cant he tell me things that he told her? For V-day, I got last minute flowers from the corner store. I was hoping for someting more since it was the 1st V-day after the affair ended )2 moths), and he knows he f**cked up big time. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? What should he be doing to make me feel loved after HIS affair?
Ladyjane14 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I am recovering from an affair. Husband has cut of contact from woman (that I know of) even though they work together. I am confident the emails, text messageges and phone calls have stopped, but how do I know for sure? How should he be acting? He spends time on the tv and computer, and does not want to talk, even though he talked with his OW for at least an hour everyday. Does he miss that? Why cant he tell me things that he told her? Ideally, in a NO CONTACT situation, the former affair partners would no longer be working together. That's not always feasable, but if there's any way to arrange it....it would be best to do so. There's no way for you to be truly secure that there's not any contact if they still see each other at work everyday. You say that you are confident that the emails, test msgs, and phone calls have stopped....but then you ask "how do I know for sure?". Which means you're NOT confident, rather you're still insecure. Your husband needs to prove himself in this area. He needs to be an 'open book' for you. Regardless of if there is continued contact or not, a certain amount of withdrawal is normal. If your husband has stopped all voluntary contact with OW....he'll be going through a phase similar to an addict giving up his drug of choice. If he hasn't, emotional intimacy with you is a betrayal to the OW. Either way....YOU have wrecked all his fun, so you can expect that he'll have a hard time coming to you for solace. I think your best course would be to educate yourself a bit more on the dynamics of an affair. Knowledge is power. Otherwise, you're trying to dig a posthole with a spoon! You might begin by reading a copy of Surviving an Affair by Harley so that you know more about what to expect and how to combat it. Ideally (again), your husband would willing and even eager to reassure you of his love and fidelity. In reality though, that doesn't often happen. It's up to you to decide if what he's putting into the marriage is good enough for now. He made his choice....now it's your turn to make yours, right? You are certainly within your rights to sue him for divorce without a backward glance. That's within your realm of possibility. I think that if I were in your particular situation, I would discuss the withdrawal dynamic with him. See if he's open to sharing his feelings with you. Certainly....share your feelings with him. He needs to know he's still hurting you. The goal is emotional intimacy. Often, the emotional intimacy that is lacking in the marriage is what causes the cheating partner to seek outside the marriage to begin with. You can beat OW's time here...that is, if you can hold your nose long enough to do it. Personally, a PA would be a deal-breaker in my marriage so I'm not the best one to ask. After dealing with an EA though, I can tell you that so much of what the BS needs to do in order to reconcile the marriage feels unnatural. We're called upon for greater patience and understanding. More of the burden of relationship work is layed upon us. But then again....the BS is not the one with their head screwed on wrong.....so it stands to reason.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I am recovering from an affair. Husband has cut of contact from woman (that I know of) even though they work together. I am confident the emails, text messageges and phone calls have stopped, but how do I know for sure? How should he be acting? He spends time on the tv and computer, and does not want to talk, even though he talked with his OW for at least an hour everyday. Does he miss that? Why cant he tell me things that he told her? For V-day, I got last minute flowers from the corner store. I was hoping for someting more since it was the 1st V-day after the affair ended )2 moths), and he knows he f**cked up big time. Am I being selfish for feeling this way? What should he be doing to make me feel loved after HIS affair? He should be BUSTING HIS BALLS making things right with you. Earning your trust again. Have you two gone to marriage counselling? If not, this is something you two need to discuss. He says he has stopped, but really, how do you know? If he works with her (that sucks) that makes it harder for you to deal with. You are not being selfish at all. He is the one who cheated, so he is the one who has to make alot of effort right now to win you over and be 100% open and honest with you - about everything. Talk to him about marriage counselling.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Regardless of if there is continued contact or not, a certain amount of withdrawal is normal. If your husband has stopped all voluntary contact with OW....he'll be going through a phase similar to an addict giving up his drug of choice. If he hasn't, emotional intimacy with you is a betrayal to the OW. Either way....YOU have wrecked all his fun, so you can expect that he'll have a hard time coming to you for solace. From my experience this is what told me he was, or wasn't talking with OW. (H had an EA for about a two month period ... one that I didn't know about it, the second I did.) My H still does have contact with OW due to work-related issues. They do not work together daily, but have contact via phone ... can be once a week, can be once a month. Will always depend on on-going projects, supplies needed, etc. During the month that I knew about it, even though he was with me and "working" it out with me, he was still involved emotionally with OW. Even though he told me that it wasn't anything and that they were just friends and could be just friends ... he wasn't there with me. LJ described it exactly ... he couldn't have emotional intimacy with me b/c he probably felt that he was betraying her. Owl also described it on another post earlier today in the OW/OM Forum that the WS does not work on rebuilding the marriage initially. You should read that post as well. With that said, my H started to come around at the end of the second month and I now know that he is emotionally involved with me, not her. It has now been seven months. Do I still have days where I wonder, did they talk, was it personal instead of work-related, etc.? You bet. To him, it is totally over, to me, the pain, the hurt, the betrayal is still there. It is going away, but not as quick as anyone would like. We want it to disappear, but it never will. You have to take his actions to heart. His actions will tell you whether he is with you and you can begin to trust him again, or not. If he is still emotionally distant from you, you will know. I know you don't believe that now ... but now that my H is with me again, I can really see the difference from when he wasn't.
silktricks Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 It is going away, but not as quick as anyone would like. We want it to disappear, but it never will. You have to take his actions to heart. His actions will tell you whether he is with you and you can begin to trust him again, or not. If he is still emotionally distant from you, you will know. I know you don't believe that now ... but now that my H is with me again, I can really see the difference from when he wasn't. Never say never, Striving - never is an awfully long time. It's been two years for me now, and though the pain and lack of trust isn't totally gone - it's a LOT better than it was. I really do believe that over time it will disappear. But only because we both want it to, and because my husband has gone to unbelievable lengths to prove to me that he will NEVER do something like that again.
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