PleaseDontAskWhy Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I am married yet have a crush on a married man who is friends with my husband. Whenever I see my crush he always has a big smile and makes a point to come talk to me. (I hate to say this, but I have seen his wife, and she is not all that, so I know he thinks I am cute.) One time my husband and I was making hotel plans, and this guy said to my hubby, "why dont your wife and I go and you stay home." Is he into me or is this just harmless flirting. How do you know when its real or fake?How did you know when man is willing to have an affair? How would you approach it? I wouldnt do this with just anyone, but to be with this man, even for one night.....ah....... Link to post Share on other sites
Elyssa Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 She may "not be all that", but she must have had something he wanted very much he wanted to marry her. Respect that. You also have a husband, why on earth do you wanna go sleeping around with somebody you only have a crush on? If it's attention you want, buy yourself a dog and stop disrespecting your marriage and his. Link to post Share on other sites
newbby Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 can you honestly be with this man just for one night, and really not care, if he wants nothing more to do with you? is that one night more or less important than your marriage and your husband? do you have hopes it would be more than one night, more in fact than sex only? do you want only sex from him? is the sex more important than your marriage? what do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
blind_otter Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 You are asking for advice on how to make a potentially destructive move that could hurt you, your husband, your potential sex partner, and his wife? Wow. That takes balls, man. The least you could do is figure it out yourself, for f***'s sake. Link to post Share on other sites
a4a Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Hey OP do you think you are the only one this man does this to? His comments are not only disrespectful to your husband but to you as well. Think about it. He sees your Marriage as a joke. You are part of that marriage just as much as your husband is. Would you really want such a disrespectful dirt bag player in your panties? Are you not worth more than that? Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 1. I am married yet have a crush on a married man who is friends with my husband. 2. Whenever I see my crush he always has a big smile and makes a point to come talk to me. (I hate to say this, but I have seen his wife, and she is not all that, so I know he thinks I am cute.) 3. One time my husband and I was making hotel plans, and this guy said to my hubby, "why dont your wife and I go and you stay home." 4. Is he into me or is this just harmless flirting. How do you know when its real or fake?How did you know when man is willing to have an affair? How would you approach it? I wouldnt do this with just anyone, but to be with this man, even for one night.....ah....... 1. Bad move. The fact that he is friends with your husband makes this especially sticky. Who's to say that this guy won't tell your husband to save his own ass when it comes down to the line? If you get involved, their friendship will end - even if your H doesn't find out. The relationship dynamics will change as he transfers friendship with the H over to sex with you. Your H will pick up on that particularly if he has known this guy for a while. Don't fool yourself into thinking he won't. Spouses aren't so far gone that they don't recognize 'new love' in their closest peers. You'll have to prepare yourself for that eventuality if you want to play this game. The friendship will be shattered, and once the affair ends this guy will no longer be your friend either. He'll be out of both your lives most likely. 2. Nothing unusual about that (unfortunate, but not unusual) - flirting happens. Understand though, that whatever his W is to him, it has no bearing on you and your chances. Leave the W out of this, and don't make the mistake of comparing yourself to her in terms of your chances. He's married to her for a reason, and that reason may have absolutely nothing to do with whether or not he'll have affairs. 3. The fact that he is this openly joking with your husband suggests to me on some level harmless flirting. Its hard to say though. I guess it depends on how much you want to go from harmless to harmfu. He'll stop the joking once the affair starts, I can bet you that. And no doubt, you're husband will notice. 4. Sounds like he is into flirting with you, but who is to say what is in this guy's mind? He lets your husband in on the 'joke', so it could well just be harmless (inasmuch as flirting in marriages can be said to be "harmless"). Real or fake? If its fake, then its safe. If its real, then its not. If he does this in private, and hides it from your H and his W then chances are its 'real'. Does he call you, or try to talk to you in private? Is there physical contact when you are alone? If yes, then he's moving in on you. If there are private moments, and the flirting is zero during those times, then chances are he's not really interested in that way. You are getting yourself into a really ugly situation going this way, but if its a chance you are willing to take: risking your marriage, ending the friendship between your husband and this guy, and the fallout after the affair is over - then simply flirt back. Make sure you do it in private, make lots of eye contact and ask when you can hook up. One of two things will happen: a. he'll freak out and alienate you and stop the flirting altogether and shut you out of the friendship dynamic he has with you and your husband as a couple (and possibly even tell your husband if he is a really close friend), and you'll be deeply regretful that it happened. b. he'll take you up on it, you'll have an affair, you'll get emotionally attached, your marriage will suffer, the friendship between your husband and this guy will end, the affair will end and you'll be deeply regretful that it happened. Either way, there is no good ending. You may or may not have that hot sex you want with this guy, but understand the risks you are taking before you jump in and go into it with your eyes open. You are setting yourself up for the mother of all disappointments and destruction - so, is that hot sex worth all that to you? Link to post Share on other sites
Moose Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Very constructive advice LB. I still don't see how some women can look at a guy who obviously has no respect for his fellow man, and the sanctity of marriage, and still want to be with him????? Fantasize away if you must......but don't act on it for honor's sake.... Fantasizing has it's own rewards, don't make it worse by stepping past that. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 One time my husband and I was making hotel plans, and this guy said to my hubby, "why dont your wife and I go and you stay home." Is he into me or is this just harmless flirting. How do you know when its real or fake? It was a joke! He was jokin' around, that is all. And if he wasn't, that is HOW you should react to it. A JOKE. DO NOT FALL into an affair. Why would you want to do that? You have a husband already! Do you not love him? If not, then get a divorce! WHy put your husband through HELL just so you can play around with another guy - HIS FRIEND! WTF? How did you know when man is willing to have an affair? How would you approach it? I wouldnt do this with just anyone, but to be with this man, even for one night.....ah....... Is having ONE passionate night of sex with this guy worth ruining your marriage? Ask yourself that. Also, do you have children? If so, consider them. You've posted asking for help on how to start an affair you won't find anybody on here who will tell you 'go for it, it's okay.' Most don't offer that kind of support on this forum. We will discourage you big time from starting an affair. We'll tell ya to focus that energy into your husband, your marriage. Fix what is broken, what needs aren't being met that. What is missing from your marriage which is making you consider an affair... Link to post Share on other sites
mopar crazy Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 Great advice from all! I think WWIU is right, I think it's all a fun joke and harmless flirting and you need to take it as such. Even if it was serious and this MM did want to have an A w/ you it's not worth the damage it will cause. My H's good friends always say things like this but I know it's all harmless fun. We don't see them much anymore but when we do his one good friend comes up to me, gives me the biggest smile and hug and ask me where I have been all his life, w/ his live in GF standing there and also my H, they know it's nothing serious. When H would spend time w/ his friends I would call over to talk to H his other friend would flirt w/ me. He would tell me things like "Since your home alone why don't I come over and have some fun?" It's all harmless fun and my H and I both realize that. Another friend, whom is a real hotty and all the W's and GF of our friends think the same way has said things to me that make me feel good but I wouldn't take it seriously. During their ball game he asked me if I would hold his shirt while he played ball. When he handed it to me his shirt had awesome smelling cologne on it. I told my friends (as he was walking away) "Hmmm, his shirts smells good, what a turn on." or something like that and he heard me. He turned around and told me "If you weren't married..." and walked off. If only I wasn't.....j/k but damn he is hot. Would I have an A w/ this man if I had the chance to? NO WAY!!! If I weren't M he!! yes, but the thing is, I am. It's nice to get attention but when their is a M it involved it's not worth an A, either one night, or long term. It causes way too much pain for everyone. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 During their ball game he asked me if I would hold his shirt while he played ball. When he handed it to me his shirt had awesome smelling cologne on it. I told my friends (as he was walking away) "Hmmm, his shirts smells good, what a turn on." or something like that and he heard me. He turned around and told me "If you weren't married..." and walked off. If only I wasn't.....j/k but damn he is hot. Would I have an A w/ this man if I had the chance to? NO WAY!!! If I weren't M he!! yes, but the thing is, I am. It's nice to get attention but when their is a M it involved it's not worth an A, either one night, or long term. It causes way too much pain for everyone. And that is perfectly acceptable and normal. No big deal, it's flattering and fun. NOT leading to an affair, not really acting on urges...It is what it is, and nothing else! Link to post Share on other sites
It's all good Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 okay, I'm going to play the Black Sheep here....don't fault me for it. I hear you on this one girlfriend! How many years have you been married? I think at a certain point in marriage you just start to get interested in "the other side of the fence". Your gonna bounce back and forth with do I, or don't I start something? You miss being persued and being found special and attractive. Something that fades after being married for a while. You will fantasize about what it would be like with him, etc..... Boy do I relate! But.....think long and hard about acting on it. It will ruin your whole life and if your willing to take that risk and kill your marriage than just be adult about it and up front with your hubby. Tell him, accept the back lash, break up, then pursue another man. Think about it...you may feel after a while that it's not really worth it, and your urges may diminish with time....unless your hubby is into swinging. That's another situation all together!!! Link to post Share on other sites
tweldy Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 As if you haven't already; but, please, you're asking the easy questions. The hard one is "How do I end this affair?". Perhaps you should do some prep work and read some threads on the affairs board. It sounds like you'll need the information. Link to post Share on other sites
goingforgold Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Don't even go there, just leave it alone. If he was really interested he wouldnt be making jokes in front of H. He is just having a bit of fun and u have taken it the wrong way Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 22, 2006 Share Posted February 22, 2006 Re-read LB's post. She always seems to cut to the chase in a very brilliant and intuitive way. It is a gift she has and she has given it to you. If you ned to - read it again and again and again.... Sometimes we need to remind ourselves of our priorities in life, and what we may have to give up for a bit of "fun." Link to post Share on other sites
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 24, 2006 Share Posted February 24, 2006 What I wished somebody told me was this: women tend to develop intense feelings for the person that they have had intimate contact with (by this, I am not necessarily talking about sex. In fact, even a "harmless" kiss would do.) Think about it. You may only have a crush on him now, but if you do anything "more" with him, you will be hooked - for a long time! It is no fun to be hooked, trust me. Link to post Share on other sites
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