CeeJayXXX Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I have been the OW for three years to a man that is happily married. We are close friends who went a step further. If it ended tomorrow I know I would be destroyed but I would have to move on in life....I wouldn't call W just to make their life at home hell, I wouldn't stalk W or MM to see what he does all day in my absence.....I would move on. In reading a lot of these threads it seems there is a lot of haste as to how situations would be (or have been handled) if they were (or did already) end. Since my relation started I have never expected or suggested my MM leave his W.... Does anyone else here realize that when you are an OW (whether it be short lived or long term) that we have something that doesn't belong to us? We really have no "claim" to these men. Affairs are secret.........if a man speaks of how much he dislikes his wife and says he is going to leave her for you then why keep it a secret and be sly....why not just leave and be done with W. It's a secret because he wants both worlds and by leaving one he now settles for less. (This is with no disrespect to anyone) I guess my situation is completely different than most here. (I know it sounds like I am playing both sides of the fence here....my MM and I have an agreement that we do things together that just arent possible to do in our everyday routined lives...am I saying that justifies our relation...not at all...but I wouldnt jump off a bridge or be Amy Fisher if it was decided between us to stop what we were doing together.) Does anyone here have the communication with their MM that doesnt include him leaving his W or bashing his W?
Sami_D Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I have been the OW for three years to a man that is happily married.... Since my relation started I have never expected or suggested my MM leave his W.... Does anyone else here realize that when you are an OW (whether it be short lived or long term) that we have something that doesn't belong to us? We really have no "claim" to these men. Affairs are secret.........if a man speaks of how much he dislikes his wife and says he is going to leave her for you then why keep it a secret and be sly....why not just leave and be done with W. It's a secret because he wants both worlds and by leaving one he now settles for less... Does anyone here have the communication with their MM that doesnt include him leaving his W or bashing his W? Well you are happy being the OW to a man who is happily married. I'm not. I never wanted to have an affair, and I don't want my relationship with this man to continue to be an affair. And neither does he. There are reasons why someone doesn't just up and leave a marriage, other than their wanting the best of both worlds. To be honest, I would have run a mile if my MM had decided to leave his marriage as soon as he met me. Someone who would walk away from a relationship (however poor it was) and responsibilities at the drop of a hat wouldn't interest me. The downside of that, of course, is that what we're doing is cheating on her. Not nice. But as I say... not something that I intend doing long-term.
Brianschick Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 CeeJaxXXX, I thought I was the only one on this board who is having an A w/ a happily married man!. My MM has told me b/f that he is happy and has no intention of leaving his wife. He let me know that years ago when we first started messing around. (then I broke it off now this is our second time around). I don't think he is so happy, b/c if he were he wouldn't be cheating. But I do not ask about his wife and he doesn't bring her up ...only occasionally. But I do find myself thinking of him more each month which I HATE:( . I know he will replace me one day...if he hasn't already. Other than that, I have no expectations that he will leave the wifey...and I wouldn't know what to do with him if he were all mine anyway!
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I don't think he is so happy, b/c if he were he wouldn't be cheating He is HAPPY because he has TWO women in his life. Things are f**k'n wonderful! Why would he want to change that dynamtic for himself?!!! I mean, here he has a wife at home, gets his needs met - And then he has you to fill up his other needs. I know he will replace me one day...if he hasn't already. My point exactly! He has NO intention of changing things. If you want more from him, he is going to find someone else to complete his selfish needs. So, is the MM worth all that?
Chump64 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I know it runs counter to all logic, and I'm still trying to figure out if it's true, but my husband AND his OW both maintained that they had good marriages / were happy / never planned to leave their spouses for each other. Has anyone ever read "Not just friends," by Shirley Glass? She is one of a handful of marriage experts who strongly believes affairs can and do happen in "good" marriages.
Brianschick Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Whichwayisup, Yes, I know he has his cake and is eating it too...so am I b/c I am married too honey. Me and the MM have serious issues obviously. I will tell you now, if I wasn't involved with this MM...it would be another guy. I am in a very sad place inside and he serves a purpose...
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 It is a sad place to be in...I mean, marriage isn't meant to mean have a husband/wife and then go find someone else on the side. I DO hope you find happiness. Life is too short to live this way. Can't you figure out a way to end your marriage? Being with your husband for security and safety comfortable reasons isn't enough to stay. Im' sure if given the choice your H would rather be alone then stay as things are if he knew what you were up to. Anyway, maybe one day soon things will turn around and get better. I think you're worth more than sharing yourself with a MM and your husband. Have you thought about seeing a therapist to figure yourself out? What you feel and how to change your life so you can be happier?
No Stress Lady Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I'm a former OW - I have had a few relationships with MM - I've never wanted them to leave their marriages and I think that their reasons for straying were more to do with their hang ups about getting older and not so much to do with their marriages and wives!!! None of them bad-mouthed their spouses or their marriages and I have no doubt at all that they love their wives but sought affirmation of their own attractiveness by way of the affair. I should stress that these were not "we're completely in love" affairs, the feelings I had for and received from these guys were far more relaxed and affectionate than some raging, all-consuming passion and the physical side of things was often very tender and not necessarily the focal point of the relationship. They were also guys that really enjoyed female company and loved to flirt all night - even if at the end of the evening, after dinner and a hand in hand stroll round the city we'd hop cabs in different directions!!! I always made it clear that I wanted nothing from them in terms of disrupting their marriages and always continued to date and maintain my own interests and friends meanwhile............it's true that I didn't think of the spouse in these situations but I think the reason was that I had no interest in breaking up the marriage and never felt possessive of the MM or threatened in any way at all by the spouse or the marriage. However, having spent much time reading the posts from BS's here I've certainly gained insight into the W's perspective which I lacked before and it's made me see that although I didn't perceive myself as damaging the marriage I probably was......I have no regrets overall though.......I was definitely a HOW!!!
silktricks Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 .I was definitely a HOW!!! What's that???
Chump64 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Glad you clarified. I though you were trying to say 'Ho.
No Stress Lady Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Hi Chump64 - well I guess many might think I was but that's up to them!!! Have enjoyed reading your posts - hope you can work things out. It's been enlightening for me reading the BS's side of the story on this forum.
Curmudgeon Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I don't care who writes what. I don't believe that. A *good* marriage is one in which there's honesty, respect, love, consideration, mutuality, friendship and loyalty, not to leave out passion and intimacy between the spouses and only the spouses. Anything less is a travesty no matter how it's spun. As always, just one man's opinion.
lizad Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I think that both the OM and the OW lie in an A.....think about the fact that why wouldnt they lie to each other when they no have no problem lying to their spouses.... I think woman are faster to leave more than men especially if the man has a long standing marriage with children and such...... I was in a 2 year affair that has just ended hopefully for the last time last week. I cut off communication, got rid of my e-mail account that we used and have stayed away........there were a few voice mails from him which I did not respond to..... In short......HE was always the one bringing up leaving......wanting to be with me together and so on.dont get me wrong I did get caught up in his fantasy with him..... he did pooh pooh his marriage all the time......swears they have not slept together in over two years as he got caught many years ago having an A. it was a brief month fling......... i believed a lot of what he said as he would stupidly tell me things he prob. shouldn't however I will never know if the non-intimacy with the wife was a reality....... i could not continue the A. I have battled with guilt since the beginning and tried to walk away multiple times......unsuccessfully.....I am hoping this will be it...... I dont want a future with him.....even though he does make me feel amazing, I know it is a fantasy with no noise, no bills, no kids and so on........you basically trade one model in for another b/c the grass is NOT greener on the other side.....well in my situation....... anyway......we can force ourselves to believe anything we want. I started this A when i had other issues which I worked through with a therapist....... dont know what advice I could give but If a man doesnt leave after a few months and he keeps giving you excuses, I wouldnt wait around...... no, they do not belong to us......they belong to someone else....... everyone deserved to be number one!
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 everyone deserved to be number one! Yes, they do! And guess what? The MM has TWO women who make HIM number one. Ever look at it like that?
lizad Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 you know what....you are right however I am married and had both but truthfully no matter how great the OM made me feel, I never felt like number one to him........
Sami_D Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Yes, they do! And guess what? The MM has TWO women who make HIM number one. Ever look at it like that? And the OW often has two men in her life... her H and the MM.
Brianschick Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I think the original question was something to the effect of does the other woman actually think the married man will leave his wife or if the other woman even cares. Listen, anyone who messes with a married person has to know they are playing with fire. I just think there are some people out there (like myself) who go into these affairs knowing full well not to expect more than what you are getting from the affair at the moment...it is what it is. That said, it can turn into a difficult situation when one person starts to fall in love with the married person. There are no easy answers ...
scarletletter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Well said, Brainschick...couldn't agree more.
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