Author Chump64 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Record Producer, Frankly I think that a divorce and a split of custody / assets / etc., would be more painful than trying to fix things. And the pain would spread to mamy other people who are currently oblivious to the situation. If I didn't think there was hope of fixing things, I'd have filed by now. Neither option is a great one. It's tough when your choices are "sucks" and "sucks worse."
RecordProducer Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Neither option is a great one. It's tough when your choices are "sucks" and "sucks worse." Oh... Still, I couldn't live with a cheater.. and this is a major affair.
Citizen Erased Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 I could tell by reading your letter just how much this is hit you and it really is rotten what they have done to you. 10 years is just a stupid amount of time to cheat on someone. I mean, why bother for a decade when you could choose between love and lust? It is stupid and careless and my heart goes out to you honey. I know that us on LS are against most of these types of contact, and usually I in fact agree because I dont see how it will solve anything. This is different. These two people have being going behind your back for a decade now so this is a different kettle of fish altogether! If you think that this will in the end give you closure on any type of relationship with that woman then I think you should do it because this is injustice at its worse and they need to be held accountable for their actions, the both of them. Dont feel pressure from anyone but my opinion is that you need to have the last word in this situation. Good luck honey with all of your marriage problems, remain strong and remember that you are after all the woman who your husband has chosen to be with, he probably does love you, but stick to counselling and work this out. But, dont spend the next couple of years trying to fix something if it will break at any time. It is time to think about your future happiness instead of everyone else's.
MrsHellFire Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 "It is time to think about your future happiness instead of everyone else's." I agree. Anyways, it's not her fault if there is a divorce. She shouldn't keep saying to herself, "a divorce is going to hurt everyone" as if she will be the one doing the damage. That ship has sailed and the only one to blame for ruining the marriage is your husband. Nothing will ever be the same after that anyways. Many children deal fine with divorces etc. It might be hard, but they'll get used to it with some support. Aside from your children, it's not worth being unhappy just to save face or live a lie for EVERYBODY ELSE'S (I'm not sure who you meant when you said it would bring pain to "many other people") sake.
RecordProducer Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Aside from your children, it's not worth being unhappy just to save face or live a lie for EVERYBODY ELSE'S (I'm not sure who you meant when you said it would bring pain to "many other people") sake. I think SHE doesn't want to get divorced and that's her choice. She doesn't want to hurt her children, the parents, and after all, she would have to start a new life that she might be afraid of. Divorces are not easy, I admit. I've gone through one. In any case, I admire this woman for having the courage to face a painful life rather than painful divorce. In my opinion, the former is permanent and certain, while the latter is temporary and uncertain in terms of results. Chump, I think other betrayed women can help you deal with this pain right now and when it comes to the future, I would turn to myself and my children, write off that hypocrite, and find new love. Oh, yeah, you can stay married...
Author Chump64 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 No, I'm not afraid to be alone. I'm not afraid of divorce, except for the impact it would have on our children. In fact, on my worst days I fantasize about it and go online to look for real estate that I can afford on my salary alone. Again, I'm truly afraid of what divorce would do to our kids. Our family is extremely tight knit. My husband is an awesome father and a great co-parent. He is almost more maternal than I am. We have a lot of traditions and rituals that just mean so much to the kids. And I do love him. I'm not sure this can work out, but I am sure that I want to try. Whether or not it will work -- that remains to be seen. My choices are to (a) try to work it out with him; and (b) cut all ties / dump him / see the family split up because of what he did. I feel a strong obligation to at least try. And as I said, I do love him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be wasting anyone's time trying to fix things. I know people will say, "How can you live like that, you will damage your kids with all that marital stress!" Honestly, we don't have a lot of marital stress that is obvious to our kids. We meet each day at lunch to talk, we go to counseling, we talk every night after the kids are in bed and are reading books about our situation. We have, I believe, suceeded (for the most part) in sheltering them from this trauma. Obviously our marriage has some major issues, but even I wasn't aware of them until I caught him cheating. If we fought constantly, never had good times together, and if there was more bad than good between us, I would not be viewing divorce as Plan B.
Ladylay Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Chump, this lasted ten years did you really have no clue?
silktricks Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Divorces are not easy, I admit. I've gone through one. In any case, I admire this woman for having the courage to face a painful life rather than painful divorce. In my opinion, the former is permanent and certain, while the latter is temporary and uncertain in terms of results. Just because you choose to stay does not mean that life will be permanently painful - it will be for awhile, but that doesn't mean forever. Leaving could end up being more permanently painful. There are no easy answers, the uncertainty of life is what makes it exciting.
Author Chump64 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 None whatsoever, Ladylay. Not a hint of a clue. All communication was carried on during the workday (phone and email) and sex occurred during the noonhour at either house, or right after work in a car. There would be an occasional late nighter when he had to "work late," which was not uncommon. He always, always stuck around at night to help with the kid routine and then would to in to work from 10-midnight or so. I thought he was a good husband and a great father, and that we had a good marriage. Hence my screen name here.
Author Chump64 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Just because you choose to stay does not mean that life will be permanently painful - it will be for awhile, but that doesn't mean forever. Thanks Silk, good point. The point of trying to work it out is to end up with an improved situation -- possibly better than it's ever been. Sticking around does not automatically mean I will stew in a pile of marital dung for the rest of my life, just so my kids can avoid divorce. I resent the implication that I'm that much of a doormat. Yes, I've been fooled for a long time, but believe it or not, I'm not stupid enough to hang around forever if I'm miserable.
scarletletter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Sorry if this has been answered already but after 10 years, how did you finally find out about the affair?
Author Chump64 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 He was accessing his work email from the home computer and left it up on the screen. I sat down on the computer and thought it was my work email. (We work for the same organization / use the same web based email system from home, so it makes sense that I thought it was mine -- I didn't go fishing.) Oops! He denied that the cozy banter meant anything. I had to play "PI" to get my hard core proof. That took about 9 months. Now he doesn't want me to send her this letter b/c it will cause him "anxiety." And I have so much sympathy for that. (note sarcasm)
Ladylay Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 None whatsoever, Ladylay. Not a hint of a clue. All communication was carried on during the workday (phone and email) and sex occurred during the noonhour at either house, or right after work in a car. There would be an occasional late nighter when he had to "work late," which was not uncommon. He always, always stuck around at night to help with the kid routine and then would to in to work from 10-midnight or so. I thought he was a good husband and a great father, and that we had a good marriage. Hence my screen name here. Wow, with respect to you though, his having an affair does not make him a bad father.[reckless] He sounds like he kept things much the same at home, so you are not a 'chump' . I really hope this has a happy ending for you.
Author Chump64 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 Yes, he's an excellent father. I worded that wrong / didn't mean to make it sound otherwise.
Ladylay Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 . I had to play "PI" to get my hard core proof. That took about 9 months. Now he doesn't want me to send her this letter b/c it will cause him "anxiety." And I have so much sympathy for that. (note sarcasm) You should change your user name to Cagney & Lacey:)
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