Another letter to the OW

[Chump64]

I hope no one minds if I do the same thing Silk did. I am not sure yet whether I will send this letter. I wrote this to both my husband and the other woman. Any feedback is great. In this case, the OW is part of a couple who we've been friends with (socially ) for 15 years. The affair has gone on for 10 years.

 

 

 

 

 

So, a month and a half later, I am writing this letter to both of you. I thought you might both like to know just how incredibly lucky you are, and I’ve got a list of reasons here.

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to recall all the times we were together as friends – birthday parties, graduations, and even acknowledging the birth of a new baby – and to look back and wonder about the knowing glances you two must have shared, regarding your shameless and vulgar secret life, which has come to light and shattered the hearts of other people.

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to look at your spouse and think, “Who ARE you? What else do I not know about you? Where is the person I married? How did you become such an immoral, deceitful character? Are you psychotic or just pathetic? Am I psychotic / pathetic for staying with you?” It’s so disappointing.

 

You should feel lucky because you don’t know what it’s like to realize the person you trusted to put you first has, in fact, put you last. The person you thought would love you deliberately has hurt you, deliberately, more than anyone else in this whole entire world. That the one person you wanted to spend time with, talk to, have fun with, and make love to, chose to do those things with someone else instead. And then lie about it, when first confronted, so he could keep getting laid.

 

You should feel lucky because you don’t have to spend the rest of your marriage covering up for someone else in order to protect his image. You don’t have to live your life putting on charades so that your spouse’s friends, children and family members will maintain respect. You don’t have to spend the energy and agony to cover things up so that your children will never know your spouse broke promises and risked their very happiness and stability. (And how dare you, by the way. This is one of the most hurtful aspects. The risks you took in order to get what you wanted, with no regard for other people, could have caused deep and irreparable damage to all of the children involved. We can only hope they aren’t noticing the stress and heartbreak going on in our homes and that it won’t affect them long-term.)

 

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to realize your marriage is a sham – that it’s not at all what you thought it had been. That you’ve been the world’s biggest chump for a decade and that you are actually part of a failed marriage, but you had no clue.

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to feel the humiliation and pain when you have to sit in your doctor’s office and explain that the person you married – the person who you thought had your back for life – has been screwing around, and has potentially exposed you to STDs and possibly HIV. Essentially, you put your spouses’ lives at risk so you could screw. And you must have screwed hundreds of times over the course of 10 years. That is almost completely unforgivable. It is so big, and so vast, and so hard to comprehend. And so sickening, like a couple of shameless, mangy dogs humping and parting ways until the next foray.

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to find pain in every.little.thing. An old picture of the kids from 5 years ago. The first thing I think: “He was with her during that period.” A wedding portrait on the mantel: “Would I have married him if I’d known he would have screw me over for more than half the time we’ve been married?” I can’t even drive though town without having to cross Her Street, and recall that he used to park his car near her house and go into the back door for a nooner. Not to mention the triggers when I drive by any given parking ramp in town. Talk about skanky.

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to feel inadequate and filled with questions. To wonder why you “weren’t enough,” and to wonder why your spouse didn’t have the balls to just let you go before choosing to indulge and causing tremendous pain.

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to feel terrible every time a song or movie or even a commercial – and all of the above -- makes you think of all hurt that has been perpetuated by two selfish, cruel, entitled people. Hurt that you, alone, have to find a way to get past. Hurt that is the result of two people who were arrogant enough to crap and piss all over their own wedding vows in search of sex, fun and companionship while our marriages suffered as a result of resources spent elsewhere. Did you think you weren’t hurting anyone because no one knew? What does that say about your moral fiber, if you think deviant behavior is OK as long as no one finds out?

 

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to look at your spouse’s wedding ring, and recall the special moment when you picked it out with him, and now you know that it meant NOTHING for all those years -- that it was on every single time he boned the other woman. What a fraud.

 

You know what? Everyone likes to flirt. Everyone likes the idea that someone else is attracted to them. Everyone thinks about having sex with other people (though maybe not in parking ramps). But not everyone crosses that line. The bottom line is that you have heaped incredible hurt onto other people.

 

I hope you both can figure out what on earth is wrong with you. What is so broken in your psyche that you crossed these devastating boundaries with absolutely no regard for other people - including your children? Are you crazy? Personality disorder? Immature? Insecure? Midlife crisis? Own and face your dysfunction before you hurt anyone else.

 

 

Life has changed for everyone involved. Your carelessness will haunt all of us for a lifetime.

 

Please don’t take this as an invitation to contact each other and commiserate or reconnect. That can only end badly. (Husband’s name), you already know the consequences of any further contact or involvement. And believe me, if my marriage ends because you two choose to mess with other peoples’ lives yet again, I will hold my head high and make sure everyone in this crappy little town knows exactly what led to the split.

 

I’m not interested in hearing back from you, (OW). I just want you to have some small degree of knowledge about the pain that you two have caused. Yes, you probably have your own demons and pain, but it cannot begin to compare with the pain you’ve caused to other people.

 

Your actions have consequences. You have completely destroyed some parts of other peoples’ lives. I hope you are proud of yourselves.

[My_Other_I]

They know all that.

Your letter is written in ager (you probably don't think so and thought real hard about making it sound calm - but it's not)

Give it another year and see if you still have the need to confront.

Talk to you hubby, but don't talk to the OW. It will cause you nothing but pain, frustration and more questions.

No need for that.

[Chump64]

My husband knows all this b/c it's nothing I haven't already told him. I don't know whether she knows it. Even if she does, I am thinking it would be good therapy for me to give her a piece of my mind. But I'm still not sure whether I'll send it.

 

At this point, I really don't have any questions for her and I have no desire for her to reply to my letter.

[My_Other_I]

Coming from a former other woman, I don't recommend that. Focus on your life and let them focus on theirs.

Her hubby has probably given her all the guilt trips available already.

By not contanting her you will be able to keep your dignity. The W in my picture has been contacting me a lot, and needless to say she looses it each time. It got so pathetic that I stopped caring (the A has been over) and she keeps making a fool out of her self. She's become obsessed with me.

You need to know what you are trying to accomplish by that. I don't see no good in it. But it's jut MO.

[Sami_D]

You should feel lucky because you can’t imagine what it’s like to look at your spouse’s wedding ring, and recall the special moment when you picked it out with him, and now you know that it meant NOTHING for all those years -- that it was on every single time he boned the other woman. What a fraud

 

I hope you both can figure out what on earth is wrong with you. What is so broken in your psyche that you crossed these devastating boundaries with absolutely no regard for other people - including your children? Are you crazy? Personality disorder? Immature? Insecure? Midlife crisis? Own and face your dysfunction before you hurt anyone else.

 

Life has changed for everyone involved. Your carelessness will haunt all of us for a lifetime. Your actions have consequences. You have completely destroyed some parts of other peoples’ lives. I hope you are proud of yourselves.

 

But you're not in a relationship with the OW... you have no claims on her fidelity or conduct. Only on your husband's. It's him you should be aiming this at.

 

You will never understand an EMR unless you've been in one. And plenty of married people are also the lovers of other married OM/OW. It's a complicated issue. And the anger you feel, though understandable... is blinding you to the real issues here. And the real target of your disappointment, and the real things you should be doing to get on with your own life.

[Chump64]

I do think that her conduct played a role in the situation. And she did claim to be a friend of mine / ours. There were many social interactions over the years – birthdays, graduations, birth of a new baby, etc. – in which she came to my house or invited me to hers, as a “friend.”

 

I don’t think that I am blind to the real issues in my own marriage. I am not avoiding them, nor am I trying to involve her in them. I see that as a separate bag of dung entirely, one that she has nothing to do with.

 

My main motivation is to give her a glimpse of the pain that she was involved in creating. I have no way of knowing whether she has a clue about that. But even if she does, I am selfishly looking out for myself right now, and this may be something I need to do for myself (therapeutically). But in NO WAY do I fault her completely. My husband is, in my eyes, 95 percent to blame for the hurt I am feeling.

 

MOI: Dignity is not really an issue when she and my husband have been screwing for 10 years, right under my nose. I can see why you stopped opening letters from your MM’s spouse. I don’t intend to have contact beyond this letter, if I send it. At this moment (and I may change my mind), it feels like it would be release for me.

 

Thanks for the input and keep it coming (even though I am arguing with ya’ll). LOL!

[My_Other_I]

The whole friend thing gets to me. What a friend!

What I meant by my posts was to show her that she is not even worth you thinking about her. I seriously wouldn't bother. Your relief will be instant gratification (sp?), but my guess is that you will regret it later. And what if she does respond to it? Are you ready for that sick gut feeling? Are you ready for all the emotions? YOu are not ready to see her version, nor do you want to. Protect your self now.

Hugs:bunny:

[Sami_D]

OK I missed that fact... that she was being a 'friend' to you at the same time. Well that is a completely new bag of shat as you put it. Yes, you need to address that.

 

Sorry for misunderstanding.

[sexyred]

Hey,

Just need some advise, I can't figure out how to post on this site so this is the only way I could do it.....anyways I am about to get involved with a married man should I stop? He was the one to come to me and at first I neevr knew he was married but then after time I came to find out and he is also much older then me, one of his children is only 5 years younger then me? Should I continue.......is it that bad if I did have a thing with him?

Thanks

[Sami_D]

Hey,

Just need some advise, I can't figure out how to post on this site so this is the only way I could do it.....anyways I am about to get involved with a married man should I stop? He was the one to come to me and at first I neevr knew he was married but then after time I came to find out and he is also much older then me, one of his children is only 5 years younger then me? Should I continue.......is it that bad if I did have a thing with him?

Thanks

 

Don't do it.

 

Walk away now.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Chump,

To tell you the truth, I could not sense the pain you experienced in your letter. It sounded condescending to me, that you are angry because your pride is crushed. But there is very little love in that letter, and the OW or your husband reading it will not feel any empathy for you. You husband is probably numb by now. And the OW obviously was not a friend of yours. The letter will not make her feel ashamed, if that is your intention. I don't sense your intent to rebuild your marriage either. Sorry for being harsh....

[My_Other_I]

I agree with you KHLF, except for the last part. I think she is trying to rebuild her marriage, but it has only been 5 weeks. Things need to settle a bit before the real work can start. Chump seems to have her head on her shoulders just right and I hope she can make it work. It takes two to tango. For the A and for the M.

[newbby]

i see what you mean. i think because chump is in acceptance mode at the moment. which is a good and neccessary stage, it may come across as having no fight. however, i think that gets the message across far more than the more agressive letters. okay, somebody said she sounds she is trying very hard to be calm and reasonable, but, i think there is nothing wrong in being calm and reasonable, and it really is actually more effective. i certainly think some parts of the letter invoke empathy, definetly. i think it is a whole different ball game if they were friends. still they probably had their reasons...

[elmejor]

Chump quote:

You don’t have to spend the energy and agony to cover things up so that your children will never know your spouse broke promises and risked their very happiness and stability. (And how dare you, by the way. This is one of the most hurtful aspects. The risks you took in order to get what you wanted, with no regard for other people, could have caused deep and irreparable damage to all of the children involved. We can only hope they aren’t noticing the stress and heartbreak going on in our homes and that it won’t affect them long-term.)

Trying to lay on the guilt, aren't you? "Irreparable damage to all of the children involved?" It looks like your reaction to the affair is what could potentially cause the "irreparable damage." (If you do not spend the "energy and agony" required to cover things up) "spouse broke promises and risked their very happiness and stability." So, the only possible way children can have "happiness and stability" is if they are raised by both parents who are married and monogamous FOREVER, right? Anything outside of these parameters equals irreparable damage, I guess. This reminds me of a recent comment where a BS said the H "cheated on me and my children..." Please.....

[Chump64]

I will be glad if it sounds condescending! I am not sure I care that much what she thinks of my letter. It's just stuff I really want to say to her, for my own benefit.

 

Elmejor, these two carried on the affair with the agreement that they would not leave their spouses. I heard this from the OW's husband, as well (he emailed me), so I believe it's true. So yes, they did put their children in jeopardy. They took what they wanted and assumed that, if caught, there would be no family split ups. And so far, there are not.

 

But it's early. And all of the kids involved in this scenario are from stable, middle income homes with two parents. Splitting up would have financial implications, time implications, and many, many complications. How is that NOT affecting them?! How would that NOT cause 'irreparable damage'?

 

I am not stupid enough to think kids aren't damaged in situations where marriages are bad, stress levels are high and they are exposed to things they shouldn't see. That's not the case in my family. None of the kids involved have a clue, and they would be completely and utterly crushed if our family disintegrated. It would be a life-defining, disastrous experience, brought on by my husband's poor choices.

 

For them to suddenly have their families broken apart because "Daddy has a girlfriend" or "Mommy's been boning a married man for 10 years" --- how can that not cause damage? Several of these kids are pre-teens, not babies. They are going to know the implications.

 

 

So, the only possible way children can have "happiness and stability" is if they are raised by both parents who are married and monogamous FOREVER, right?

 

 

No, that's not what I said. In fact, I am a child of divorce and I am a very stable person. I can't say the same for some of my siblings, however. That's a different discussion though. In this situation, it would create instability for all the kids involved.

 

If this offends you, I'm sorry. To think that a betraying person (with children) is only hurting his / her spouse is so naive. But if you need to believe that to ease your guilt, have at it.

[OzGirl]

Chump - your letter was really moving, I thought. It could have been written by the W of the MM I was seeing, and it reminds me of how stupid it is to think there's only one side to any story (that being, of course, his account of the state of his marriage - it was dead, etc.).

 

The pain is just so heart-breaking - for the W and the OW - for reasons alien to each other, I'm sure.

 

This is what I don't get. WHY are there no men posting letters like this, saying sorry to their W, sorry to the OW? It seems that they sit idle and wait and see what happens. But, being in so much pain, and feeling so iscolated that they go looking on the internet for someone to share it with, and hopefully help resolve it? Do ANY of them do that?

 

I imagine them talking to their mates about football scores from the weekend, but not the trauma they caused those close to them.

 

They are such actors. Like male birds who have the colourful plumes to impress their female counterparts, men seem to just say whatever it takes to make us do what they want us to do.

 

What b*tches they are... really. The OW, in many cases, probably has more real sympathy and understanding of what's happened to the W than the MM.

[Chump64]

OzGirl, I think that men and women handle infidelity differently. They "grieve" it differently. Men want to be sorry and move on; women are much more emotional (both wives and other women) and have a harder time moving on.

 

In my husband's case, I think the OW really enjoyed the self esteem bonus she got from the affair. She could get a man 10 years her junior to love her and f*ck her, and go along with her drama. In his case, I think he really enjoyed the sex. I'm sure there was an emotional connection as well, and he liked the fact that someone else 'wanted' him, besides his wife. But it has become clear that he has been inhibited in our bedroom - and I don't know why, because I suggested some things that he declined but ended up sharing with her. (That really smarts.)

 

My husband has been extremely remorseful and emotional. But I could never - in a million years - see him sharing his thoughts online, with people he doesn't know. Men are a lot more inhibited when it comes to showing emotion, esp to strangers. I am impressed that he will actually even speak with a counselor about such intimate things as sex, but he's doing it. I think men are raised to keep their emotions in check. I know my husband was. I'm trying to raise my boys differently.

 

I'm sure that OW are in pain too, but the difference (in my opinion) is that they made choices that brought the pain to their doorstep, whereas betrayed wives did not. Sure, everyone has crap in their marriage that they can work on to improve. But the choice to step over cetain boundaries, and act on inappropriate desires, is left with the affair partners alone.

[silktricks]

You will never understand an EMR unless you've been in one.

and pardon me, but you will never understand the pain of the wife until you've been one.

is blinding you to the real issues here. And the real target of your disappointment, and the real things you should be doing to get on with your own life.

Chump64 seems to be very well aware of the real issues here, and well aware of the real target and really really extremely aware of the real things she needs to be doing to get on with her life. In fact, that's exactly what she IS doing.

 

By the way, Chump64, I really wish you had picked a different handle - everytime I write it I feel like I'm hurting you all over again. You weren't a Chump, you were a loving wife who trusted. That's not a chump, that's a champion. I hope you get the trust back sometime. It's gonna be hard.

[Chump64]

Thanks Silk.

 

[Ladylay]

You have to do what you have to do to move on.

If you feel it will help you to move forward in re-building your marriage,send her the letter.

You are the person who was betrayed, as such you have the right to express that.

The fact she knew you and you thought of her as a friend,is different to the normal mm/ow.. situation.

 

good luck. I hope you can rebuild your marriage if thats what you both really want

[MrsHellFire]

No offense to you, but just a general statement about letters to the OW etc that I have read on this board...

 

Only person who should be writing a letter with explanations in it is the WS. A letter to you about why he turned to mistresses in the first place and how much he wants to heal the marriage and a letter to the ow. Seems like the WS never has to lift a finger in healing the marriage, because the BS is always the one picking up the pieces.

[MrsHellFire]

"The OW, in many cases, probably has more real sympathy and understanding of what's happened to the W than the MM."

 

Right... she has so much sympathy for the W that she was willing to screw her husband for 10 years and destroy her marriage. This woman was nothing but SELFISH like most OW and WS.

[RecordProducer]

I am so sorry for what you're going through.

I would divorce him immediately. Are you sure you want to go through this pain for years and God knows when/if you ever recover from it?

 

Your letter is too sweet for such a major betrayal. I would strangle my husband with my bare hands if he did something like that to me.

[No Stress Lady]

No offense to you, but just a general statement about letters to the OW etc that I have read on this board...

 

Only person who should be writing a letter with explanations in it is the WS. A letter to you about why he turned to mistresses in the first place and how much he wants to heal the marriage and a letter to the ow. Seems like the WS never has to lift a finger in healing the marriage, because the BS is always the one picking up the pieces.

 

Yes - I agree with you there - the WS always seems to be the one that says the least but is the only one who knows all the facts!!!!!

[Guest]

"The OW, in many cases, probably has more real sympathy and understanding of what's happened to the W than the MM."

 

Right... she has so much sympathy for the W that she was willing to screw her husband for 10 years and destroy her marriage. This woman was nothing but SELFISH like most OW and WS.

 

I think Ozgirl was suggesting that given the story that the marriage is over, but not OVER, the OW hang around believing it will improve, much like a wife hangs around after an affair with the same expectation. I'm sure some OW are selfishly aware of what they are doing with no concience, but not all of them. The SAME man who can convince a wife to stay with them and work on an affair after a marriage is demonstrating the exact same trait that lured another woman to have an affair with him.

 

When it all comes to light for the wife what happened without her knowing (the affair) and to the OW that he lied about the state of his marriage and his intentions to end it, they have both suffered at the hands of the same person. Whether one of them is morally right or not, it's only retrospectively on the OW's part that she realises this, and hates the same man as the wife for being the same person - for not having at ANY point a moral concience. The OW has something in common - that individual man.

 

They should put the man in the same room as the wife and OW, and then see what he has to say, when there's a person who know's the truth to every lie he could repeat for the second time in his life.