Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 whichwayisup, This has been an emotionally draining experience.... Thank you for your advice...I will try my best to not think about her as much as I used to.... MrB
noclobber Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 .... and watch out for the Indian girls, they are not straight-forward and honest like American women. They will eat you alive! :p
loony Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I think I did make her a little defensive about the reciprocation....she said that I should understand that she is busy....In response to one of emails to me, I said "OK, but IN THE FUTURE, please try to make an effort".....She said that she will do her best....Loony, is this the 'sh*t test' you are talking about? I'm just saying that cornering people too much will make them resent you eventually. You did have good reason to complain and you complained. That's fine till here and it should end now. Next time she acts like this you cut off the ties with. You should NOT write her another email! I think she is going to test you again, because she very likely doubts your determination - I at least do. In order to find out if she is right or not she will give it another try, because she basically knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. She could say, "Jump!" and you would jump. Secretly she is convinced that even when you get upset, you will still forgive her when she tells you how much she values her friendship with you and that you really play an important role in her life. And let's assume you get really really upset with her next time. If you get too upset, she will have a good reason to feel justified in her actions. She will say to herself that you are an oversensitive person who is only acting so angry, because you can't get her. Therefore, in my opinion, it would be best that the second time you just walk away. (I think I need to print out this post and put it up on my wall as a reminder for myself... *sigh*)
Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Loony, Thanks...I am giving this one more shot....If it doesn't work out, I am walking....Now she knows how I feel so there should be nothing more left for me to say....The ball is in her court....She knows how to reach me....If she doesn't contact me, then I know that she was full of crap....and I was wimp for falling for it..... Like I have said, life is moving along....I will be gone one month from today....I wanted to start anew, that's way I wrote the letter.....I want to know that I tried (again)...if it doesnt work, I'll gather myself and move on....There are 'more fish in the sea'..... Anyhow, Thanks MrB
noclobber Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I'm just saying that cornering people too much will make them resent you eventually. You did have good reason to complain and you complained. That's fine till here and it should end now. Next time she acts like this you cut off the ties with. You should NOT write her another email! I think she is going to test you again, because she very likely doubts your determination - I at least do. In order to find out if she is right or not she will give it another try, because she basically knows she has you wrapped around her little finger. She could say, "Jump!" and you would jump. Secretly she is convinced that even when you get upset, you will still forgive her when she tells you how much she values her friendship with you and that you really play an important role in her life. And let's assume you get really really upset with her next time. If you get too upset, she will have a good reason to feel justified in her actions. She will say to herself that you are an oversensitive person who is only acting so angry, because you can't get her. Therefore, in my opinion, it would be best that the second time you just walk away. (I think I need to print out this post and put it up on my wall as a reminder for myself... *sigh*) Loony, you have raised a good point. As a general discussion, what is the best way to handle such a situation? Say that your friend or SO does something that you don't like and you express your anger then and there. They apologize but what if they do it again? If you take it easy they will think you don't have self-respect and get you back with a weak apology. If you back-off from them they might say that you are too sensitive and over-reacting. This is a very delicate situation. I would love to hear from you and others about this. As for me, I will pay more attention to what my friend or SO does and not what they say. They may want to get away with a placating 'sorry' but to me its the actions that really count!
amerikajin Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 MrB, May I ask, what's the point of this? a) You know what you want. Your end game isn't friendship; it's romance. b) You're not going to get what you want. Even if she says 'Yes,' you're going away in a month, so what do you really expect out of this? Therefore, what's the point? If you think you can be friends with her, then do it from a distance where she can't hurt you. And for God's sakes, don't get roped in by any measures of desperation on her part. Look at her and judge her by her actions, man. Be objective about this. What has she ever really done for you?
Author mrB2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 amerikajin, To answer your points: A)Friendship is what I wanted at the beginning....but since then I fell for my friend...Yes I was a wimp, but I am not going put myself down for my stupidities...Next time, I will do much, much better.... My friend emailed me again...I had wanted clarification on a little part of her response....She said that she was frustrated with my email, but was not angry....she told me that I jumped to conclusions about her...she told me that she would have responded to me if I had given her more time.... I told her that the lack of communication after that ecard signalled to me that it was over....I also told her that I had wanted to stop contact so that both of us could catch our breathes.....(I was trying to be very diplomatic since I did initiated this whole ecard mess) I was very truthful with her...I told her that my feelings for her have clouded our friendship....I made it clear that I wanted to bow out so that I could collect my emotions about her and everything else that is going on in my life...I made it clear that this NC doesnt have to be permanent...maybe in the future we could start up communication again, but until then I was smothering her with emails and letters..... But guess what, she says that she still wants to communicate...So I am either going to have to sh*t or get off the pot.... B) I don't really know what I am to expect of all of this. God, I do love her...and I know that a romantic relationship with her is probably NEVER going to happen.... What has she done for me?----Ok. She has done several things....I always used to be VERY quiet and shy....I was completely wrapped up in my own shell....I opened up to her when we were together. She made me feel very comfortably. ..I NEVER have really opened up to anyone in my life, not even my parents.....I am your stereotypical aloof, shy nerd.....But when I met up with her, I opened up myself...(Yes, this screams 'just friends' but I told her things about my life that had never told anyone before....she did the same). What else has she done...She opened my eyes to different social causes....she is an activist type....so I got to know quite a bit about different causes that I never knew about Also she opened me eyes to things spiritual...I have always being very clinical when it comes to religion and spirituality....but she did open my eyes a bit. bottom line: I love her. I feel that she has many of the qualities I want in lady....but I have to move on...This is becoming an embarassment....I am deluding myself.... I wish I could still be friends, but my love for her will make a friendship impossible...I have come to terms with that..Why cant she? MrB
noclobber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hi MrB, So she is not giving up on the friendship huh? First off do not mistake this as her interest in you. She probably wants to keep the friendship for her own selfish reasons. There has to be something that she gets out of this friendship and I guess only you can answer that question. It could be any reason - the attention that she gets from you, the compliments, the gifts, the praise.... whatever. Or it could be that she genuinely likes you as a friend and wants the friendship. But I doubt its the latter, because if that was the case she would put in some effort to maintain the friendship, is it not? You had clearly written that you are putting in more effort - initiating the conversations, writing emails, sending e-cards... So I think you got the answer right here She has helped you come out of your shell but that doesn't mean you owe her anything. Some people impact our lives in very positive ways but that doesn't mean that we should start worshipping them. You did the right thing by wanting to maintain your friendship with her. But unfortunately she doesn't seem to feel the same way. She says one thing and does another thing. She says that she wants to be your friend but doesn't put in the effort to keep the friendship alive. Having sent that e-card and subsequent letter I think you have kind of put yourself in an endless loop. You want to backoff and she is sucking you right back in. I wud just suggest that you move away from her in a subtle manner. If you put things in black or white she will get back at you. For now keep things in a gray state... You really can't multiplex with some important things in life. Good luck
Author mrB2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Noclobber, It does feel like I am in a continual loop....and I don't want to be in it.... I honestly don't know what to think...Am I really dealing with a 'drama queen'? My heart is telling me to wait it out, but my mind is telling me to bail out ASAP!....and my mind is starting to win this battle.... Like I said, I don't want to NC for good....but I want to gather my emotions together and better myself....because right now I am a mess.....MAYBE we could still be friends. But as long as I still have feelings for her I will be running in circles. You would think that I would get tired by now...and I have.... (I am not worshipping this lady...She is one of the few ladies to have actually broken through my shell...I will probably always have some feelings for her). MrB
magda Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Well, Last night I finally sent my friend a 'farewell letter'...I did leave the door ever-so-slightly open for our friendship to continue, however, I told her that I needed to focus my life now on my upcoming journey overseas.... I got back from church this morning and she aleady responded....She said that she was 'blown away' with my email....She apologized for not responding sooner, but that I should realize that she is busy with school and work.... She said that in the future she will avoid sexual talk with me.... She then said that she will talk to me soon.... I sent her an email telling her that I wasnt really ticked off, just concerned...I told her that I saw that she had read my valentine ecard, but was concerned because I hadn't heard back from her. What the hell is going on here? I tried to bail out gracefully...What should I do now? MrB I do not understand what the problem is. You sent her a letter and she responded and this is a problem why exactly? If you can't handle the "just friendship" thing you should follow through with your "farewell" (even if you did mean it as an ultimatum and she didn't play along). Just the fact that she is going to avoid talking about sex with you from now on should tell you that there is no hope of a sexual relationship with this woman. Nothing is going to happen to make this easier on you, you have to stop these "last ditch efforts" giving her more opportunities [to shoot you down]. At some point your self-respect will stop you from continuing this.. I hope for your sake that you are almost at the end of your rope and will soon stop torturing yourself.
Mary3 Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Mr B :I want to give it to you straight because you are a super person here on LS. You NEVER had the * ball * She ALWAYS had the ball. You played fair and did all you could. She did not play fair back and kept the *ball* for herself. You say you love her . What is love ? An overwelming feeling that is (usually) reciprocated back. She did not love you back. She may have cared and wanted something from you but to love you like a women loves a man , that she did not want to do. Because if she did fall in love with you , you wouldnt *wonder* about soooo many things. You should NEVER have to wonder about what a persons motives are and what their intentions are and what their feelings are because they SHOW you those things.. Unrequited Love is the most painful of emotions. When you begin to LOVE MR B then you can come back and tell me how much you loved yourself enough to end this and that it was not love that you felt for her because you needed to love yourself first ( wish I could give you a warm hug while I had to say that part ) I feel you are forever stuck in the friendZone. You keep giving her *one more chance* OMC to do what ? Kick you in the testicles ? NO more chances. You gave your ALL . You got little back. Yes, she drew you out of your shell ( thank her for that ) Yes she brought out positive things in you ( thank her for that ) But she did NOT give you what you REALLY wanted now DID she ? So for that, its time to move on. Make her a friend ? For what purpose ? You care about her , you wonder about her but for your own sake give it 6 months because its going to take some time. Mr B you can ask us anything and if you want tips on the next girl please POST here and we will walk you through early on so you can know what certain things mean.
amerikajin Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I understand where you're coming from, MrB. I think it's good that she allowed you to open up to her, and that you recognize the benefit of your friendship with her. But the problem is that you want more, and she knows that. You are actually serving her needs as much as she's serving yours. I think you need to be recognized by someone while she needs support and safety, someone to fall back on when she's feeling lonely. But understand something here: you're in a more vulnerable position than she is. That's because when you're acting as a support, you will never be seen as her equal, and ultimately, if you want a real romance, two people have to see each other as equals. It will never work the way it is now, whatever your feelings may be. When someone she regards as her equal comes around, she will drop you, and not think twice about it...and you will then have to support her while you watch someone else take what you feel is rightfully yours right in front of your eyes. If you think you're hurting now, you ain't seen nothing yet - just stick around.
Author mrB2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Magda: I am at the end of my rope....I am tired of being treated like a dog begging for scraps...That is why I have been embarrassed by this whole thing...I should have known all along.... Mary3: I know that nothing is going to happen.....And yes, unrequited love sucks.... I am trying to think about other things....I have this journey on my mind...I will be spending over two years of my life abroad, away from family and friends...This will be a life changing experience....and I am sure I will meet a lot of interesting people along the way.. I wanted to be VERY truthful to my friend....In the letter I did tell her that I wanted her to know my feelings so that she would not try this with other 'guy friends' of her....(She told me once of a guy who pursued her in college. She said that it was fun leading him on, even though she knew that nothing was EVER going to happen....That should have clued me in a little). Her reply was that she is naturally touchy with 'guy friends'.... The thing that really has bugged me about my friend is her wishy-washiness...One moment she has her hands on me, the next she tells me that I MAY not be her type....One moment I get shot down, the next she has her hands on me, asking me about 'swinging'....Either I am what you want or not...Quit playing me for a fool..... One interesting thing she told me was that I haven't seen her around other guys...she says that if I had seen her around other guys, then I wouldn't be confused.... I was happy with being friends along time ago...But she changed the whole dynamic by touching me and talking about sex, children, and marriage....It really changed when I was shot down, yet she continued to tease me....I HAVE FEELINGS TOO.... Do you remember I mentioned a little ways back about a blind date I went on? Well, she will be back in town in about two weeks. I have already talked with her....We have agreed to go out again...She really is a fascinating person....And she seems to be the type that doesn't play games...thank goodness Thanks Again, MrB
Author mrB2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 amerikajin, yeah, I know....I told her point blank that my feelings toward her are so great that I wanted to bow out....I put it in very diplomatic terms..I said that it would be best for 'us' to part ways for awhile, at least until I come to terms with my feelings towards her.... I know that I am 'achin for a breakn' if I hang around...and I don't want to endure more pain...This whole experience has made me feel cruddy...I do hate unrequited love.... Is she getting my drift? Or does she just not care? I have told her in polite terms what I wanted..
Author mrB2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 amerikajin, About being equals: I had always thought of her as my equal...Gosh, we have about the same political beliefs, and now spiritual beliefs. We both want to pursue our educations...We both want a family some day...She is kind (but to me?), generous (but to me?), and eager to help others. I am trying to strive for the same..... But you are right....I love her, but she does not love me...How equal is that? MrB
noclobber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 She told me once of a guy who pursued her in college. She said that it was fun leading him on, even though she knew that nothing was EVER going to happen.... Sorry, but your friend is a BYATCHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Forget about whether she likes you or not. Do you like her? I don't think any decent man should fall for a woman like this. Cut it out MrB... right now! She is just not worth it.
Author mrB2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 noclobber, You may be right....When she told me I was a bit ticked off that she would do something like that....(claification: she stopped the teasing once she knew that the guy was really let down....) I figured, "Hey, that was five years ago, people change..."....but, I guess I was wrong..... In one of my letters from late last year, she apologized and said that I wasn't the first guy who was led on by her.... This should be a big WAKE up call for me to move on...... MrB
magda Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 amerikajin, Is she getting my drift? Or does she just not care? I have told her in polite terms what I wanted.. I think it just doesn't suit her so she's ignoring it. She knew all along that you were interested and she ignored it--she is doing nothing differently now even though you have spelled it out. If you haven't already, I think you should contact her one more time and make it known that it is the last. Say you're glad she's not upset and still wants to be friends, maybe after your trip overseas that will be possible. I will not be contacting you again until such time, etc.
noclobber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 In one of my letters from late last year, she apologized and said that I wasn't the first guy who was led on by her.... The more you tell about this woman the more disgusting I feel. If you had written this one sentence right in the beginning of your very first thread all the members of LS would have clearly told you in one voice what's exactly happening! So you got your answers. She is getting a kick out of stringing you along. Yup, that's precisely what she is doing, stringing you along for her own self-serving needs and emotional gratifications! CUT THE CORD ALREADY!
Author mrB2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 I told her how painful it was for me to write the email...But I wanted her to know that I was focused too much on her....and I was getting nothing in return.... I was very honest with her....I need to move on..... If she wants to contact me, then she is more than welcome to do that...if not, oh well.... But all I know is that I am entering a new stage in my life....we will never be together, so I have to leave her behind. I wish her no harm....(I did tell her that I do hope that she meets a wonderful guy soon.....and I left it like that)... I am curious if she will respond to me email from last night (it was a response to her email to me). It was fairly deep.... MrB
amerikajin Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I'll tell ya something else I've learned...be careful about being too honest about your feelings with women - even when she's your girlfriend. If a woman isn't as into you as you are into her, telling her your feelings is going to drive her away. It'll be a burden to her.
noclobber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I am curious if she will respond to me email from last night (it was a response to her email to me). It was fairly deep....MrB WHY? dude now i seriously doubt whether you will be able to move on!
whichwayisup Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Ahh, he will in his own time. He needs to get this stuff out! Better him venting here and sharing thoughts than holding it in. He has to do it this way because that's who he is. Got nothing else to lose, and honestly, maybe him pushing the envelope abit will just give him more closure.
amerikajin Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Yeah, I know...I guess it just reminds me of things that I've done before, so I react to it.
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