mrB2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Well, Last night I finally sent my friend a 'farewell letter'...I did leave the door ever-so-slightly open for our friendship to continue, however, I told her that I needed to focus my life now on my upcoming journey overseas.... I got back from church this morning and she aleady responded....She said that she was 'blown away' with my email....She apologized for not responding sooner, but that I should realize that she is busy with school and work.... She said that in the future she will avoid sexual talk with me.... She then said that she will talk to me soon.... I sent her an email telling her that I wasnt really ticked off, just concerned...I told her that I saw that she had read my valentine ecard, but was concerned because I hadn't heard back from her. What the hell is going on here? I tried to bail out gracefully...What should I do now? MrB
jerbear Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Well, Last night I finally sent my friend a 'farewell letter'...I did leave the door ever-so-slightly open for our friendship to continue, however, I told her that I needed to focus my life now on my upcoming journey overseas.... I got back from church this morning and she aleady responded....She said that she was 'blown away' with my email....She apologized for not responding sooner, but that I should realize that she is busy with school and work.... She said that in the future she will avoid sexual talk with me.... She then said that she will talk to me soon.... I sent her an email telling her that I wasnt really ticked off, just concerned...I told her that I saw that she had read my valentine ecard, but was concerned because I hadn't heard back from her. What the hell is going on here? I tried to bail out gracefully...What should I do now? MrB school and work, good luck with that excuse. If anyone of you are higher up on the priority, both of you would make some time even if it is 5 minutes. Now it is easy to forget to appreciate someone and forget about them. Since you tried to bail out gracefully, maybe time to just take it slow if friendship is WHAT YOU want. Put your cards on the table and have her do the same, it is a step toward communication. Honestly, just get over it and regroup after you both are about to finish school.
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Man your tripping all of yourself.. I suggest you pull WAY back and leave her alone.. Stop sending her emails and letters.. Do NC.. Your confused and need to pull yourself up from the clingy gutter you are in right now.. Then after you are back on your feet emotionally you can contact her.. but dude your making a serious mistake right now NC
amerikajin Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 I would continue to stay away. She's just bent because she knows that you're not longer an option for her somewhere down the road. At some point you've got to cut your losses...you know what your bottom line is here. You want a relationship with her, but that's not going to happen, especially since you're going to Asia soon. What you really want is something you're not going to get, so I would back away until you've already moved on to a new phase in your life. If she really wants to be friends, she will let you do this instead of using you for her own emotional support. If she really wanted more...it's too late, she should have moved sooner.
noclobber Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Okay, first of all why did you have to send a letter? What was it about? Did you write that you are not going to bother her anymore? I know that you are pissed off that she saw your v-day ecard but didn't care to reply. I think your best bet would have been to just back away and not give her any more attention. You know, just an occassional "hi how are you" that's it. You should get busy with other things in life and eventually start dating someone else. If you do that she herself would see it and she will atleast respect you if not fall for you. By sending the letter you are telling her that you are a cry-baby. If she doesn't reply you get mad. Don't give her so much power. Just back-off without telling her! I am doing just that now with my girl.. Don't give a shyt whether your friend replies to your email or not. Big deal... She will say that she was so busy and all other crap. That's just to placate you. She is throwing you some crumbs just so that you may keep thinking about her and keep showering your attention. Ask your friend to keep her crumbs to herself, they have gotten stale and moldy!
Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Noclobber, The letter just said that I wanted to back off for awhile...I told her that I had other things going on in my life that I needed to focus on and that I was fighting a losing battle. It wasn't a 'cry-baby' thing....I just came to the conclusion that I was wasting my time....However, I felt compellled to be a gentleman and explain myself....mainly I did that to clear my conscience. I didn't want to leave her completely in the dark...I feel better now....At least she knows how I feel... MrB
noclobber Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I told her that I had other things going on in my life that I needed to focus on and that I was fighting a losing battle. That's all she needs to boost her ego!
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I think the letter's good - it gives him a rubicon that cannot be crossed, which is what he needs.
noclobber Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I think the letter's good - it gives him a rubicon that cannot be crossed, which is what he needs. if he doesn't cross that's fine... good for him. but it looks like she is going to have him back with some insincere apologies and 'crumbs'.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I would agree with noclobber on this, MrB, don't take her back anytime soon. If you want to keep in contact with her then do it from Asia, where you'll not be facing the temptation of spending time with her or calling her. Hell, I bet MrB finds an adorable little Asian woman who will waste no time showing him how a man should be treated.
Mary3 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Take her back ? Why ? Why settle for crumbs when you can have the whole piece of toast ? You DESERVE 100 % and nothing LESS ! I still say NC. I say it again . NO CONTACT. Everytime you step out she smashes your toes with a : I dont give a f*** about you ! When is enough ~enough for you ?
loony Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I sent her an email telling her that I wasnt really ticked off, just concerned...I told her that I saw that she had read my valentine ecard, but was concerned because I hadn't heard back from her. You were not concerned, you were angry. Of course it would have been a mistake to say that you were angry and that is not the way I would have recommended you to express it, but once again you didn't stand up for your feelings and instead you came up with an excuse. If you are angry, you don't say you are angry, you let her know through your actions that you are angry and that you won't accept her behavior. If she doesn't show her appreciation for the things you do, you simply stop doing them. I wouldn't recommend to apply this strategy with someone with whom you have a good communication and a 'virgin' history, but I think in the case of people who have turned into this bitch/jerk mode the best thing is to leave them alone. However, I felt compellled to be a gentleman and explain myself....mainly I did that to clear my conscience. I didn't want to leave her completely in the dark... Why should you have a bad conscience? And is she as a grown up person not able to contact you when she has questions? I feel better now....At least she knows how I feel... I think one good rule in general is to wait and see if they have an interest at all in getting to know how you feel. I learned it the hard way, if someone wants to understand you, he will ask, if he doesn't, it's because he doesn't give a damn and pouring your heart out to them is a waste of time, makes them feel guilty and as a consequence make them resent you. Hell, I bet MrB finds an adorable little Asian woman who will waste no time showing him how a man should be treated.[Deleted, because I'm trying to become a good person]Western men with low self-esteem who find themselves in Asia suddenly think they are God's given gift to women, because they get a better treatment there than at home. The first reason is, you are an exotic white pale something with a big nose and women like new toys. Second, your foreign currency in a third world country has high value. Third, you as a man are benefitting from the oppression of women.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 [Deleted, because I'm trying to become a good person]Western men with low self-esteem who find themselves in Asia suddenly think they are God's given gift to women, because they get a better treatment there than at home. The first reason is, you are an exotic white pale something with a big nose and women like new toys. Second, your foreign currency in a third world country has high value. Third, you as a man are benefitting from the oppression of women. I realize how my comment may have been interpreted, so I'll hold off on the return fire and explain myself a little further. First, I am not at all suggesting that Asian women treat their men better than Western women. I don't think I've ever said anything to that effect before; in fact, I think I've usually been the one to provide the reality check for people who start posting that kind of crap here, precisely because I have had experiences dating people from different cultures. To this day, the best partner I've ever had was my ex from Florida, someone I still respect and hold in high regard. Second, I have never thought of myself as God's gift to women, even here. If anything, I'm more acutely aware that I am in need of divine providence when it comes to the dating arena. Third, and more to the point, the comment was simply trying to cheer our guy up here. While I do not disagree that the attraction may have a lot to do with being exotic or different, the fact remains that he will have these opportunities to date women who will treat him more romantically than the one he's been trying to court.
Walk Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I finally sent my friend a 'farewell letter'...I did leave the door ever-so-slightly open for our friendship to continue, however, I told her that I needed to focus my life now on my upcoming journey overseas.... I was thinking what a great job you did with setting boundaries with this girl, and taking a step forward toward some self-respect. Then you replied and told her you were just concerned that she didn't reply to the valentines ecard. First off, now she knows that all she has to do is act like she doesn't care, and you'll reverse your story in a heart beat. She doesn't have to work at the friendship, because you will accept any scraps of her attention, no matter how it affects you. And even if she doesn't realize it conciously, she won't respect you anymore, and you're even further from her dating you then you were to start with. Which is Nil, at this point. For your sake, stand up for yourself. If you tell a woman you want space, then friggin' stick to it. If you are angry about not getting a reply from email, then say it. She'll try to make you feel like crap for even trying to set boundaries that don't work for her. It's not all you... She's being a child too. Instead of accepting that her behavior is hurtful, knowing that you feel more then friendship for her, she turns it around to be your fault. But instead of allowing her to get away with this, you have to stand up for yourself. Just say how you feel. That you don't want to end the friendship, but her behavior is disrespectful to your feelings. And that you don't feel school and work takes up so much of her time that she couldn't take 5 minutes to respond to an email.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I have to agree with Walk. The first letter was good, the second letter...not so good. MrB, she's playing you like a fiddle, and you keep changing your tune as she continues to pluck away at your strings (how's that for a metaphor?). Dude, the very thing your doing is the very thing she doesn't like about you - maybe THE one thing that's keeping you from getting into her pants. She wants you to set her boundaries. She wants you to dominate her. She wants you to be the man and lay down the law with her. She wants you to get pissed off at her - not in a psycho kinda way, but in a "I am not gonna take any of your crap" kind of way.
Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Again, thank you for the input.... She emailed me a couple of times last night, so I did resond.... I told her that I was serious about my grievances, however I may have been a little harsh in trying to get my viewpoint across.... I also told her that she was a great person, but she does need to realize that she was kind of yanking me around.... For now, i am going to drop her till I get overseas....I haven't even started packing and I have only ONE month left till I leave...I have all sorts of paperwork to fill out....So I am going to be busy.... I have more to worry about than worrying about a 'drama queen'.... Yeah, I may meet someone overseas...She could be Filipino or she could be an American, or Briton, or Australian, or Indian...Who cares? As long as she loves me for who I am.... And believe me, she got my drift in the first email... I told her that I keep writing, but she will never write back..I told her that upfront..I also told her that I was just hitting my head against a brickwall....WASTING my time....because I was the one who always initiated converstation.... I think she understood that SHE goofed up as well.... I am glad that she knows how I truely feel....I told her that I should have told her this A LONG TIME AGO...It would have saved me a lot of grief... It feels good to a least have made my point and take a stand...I told her that too..... Yes, I agree that I should have done this a long time ago...I was way to passive (I told her that as well), but sh*t happens.... amerikajin, Yes it would be VERY nice to 'get in her pants', but that will never happen....I don't think I EVER had a chance..... I have learned so much here on LS, and the biggest thing I have learned is that a woman wants a MAN and not a wimp....I was the wimp in this whole thing...Now, I am learning from my mistakes....Believe, the way I handle my next potential gal will be different than this one.... No more 'just friends', I won't let that happen again....If I want a gal, I will make it known from the get-go..... Again, Thank you MrB
noclobber Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 we both are pretty much facing the same problem but slightly different - in my case if i distance myself she won't leave me and in your case if she is aloof you won't leave her. Yeah, I may meet someone overseas...She could be Filipino or she could be an American, or Briton, or Australian, or Indian... Good luck with that! :p
Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Funny observation, noclobber:lmao: MrB
loony Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Just try not to give in when she suddenly becomes nicer. She has to prove herself first, because this is just going to be another sh*t test. She will be testing if you are faking your self-confidence or not and when you go back to your old ways she'll know she has you. Never be more attentive or nicer with this girl than she is with you. And be careful not to make her become defensive.
Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 loony, I agree with you...I am going to 'stick to my guns' with her....(In my letter I said that I have come to expect no response from her when I write....I think that really pissed her off, but I had to be honest....In relationships, platonic or otherwise, honesty must be a policy that both parties strive for....I am willing to adapt to make it work, but only under one condition: If she is willing to work together...if not then I am certainly wasting my time with her..... I think I did make her a little defensive about the reciprocation....she said that I should understand that she is busy....In response to one of emails to me, I said "OK, but IN THE FUTURE, please try to make an effort".....She said that she will do her best....Loony, is this the 'sh*t test' you are talking about? Like I said earlier, I have a lot going in my life right now....So, I don't want to cut her off completely, but like what you said, she has to prove herself now....in the meantime, I have a life to live.. Thanks MrB
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 You don't have to cut her off at all...Just don't put alot of effort in right now and focus on her less. Trust me, if she is used to having you around, hearing from you alot - She WILL notice the difference when you don't contact her as much. She will either make an effort, think you're worth that effort and write to more - or she won't do anything. Things will be as they are now. If she puts effort in, you put effort in. It's better to have a good flow of things rather than it being too one sided...Especially with emails.
Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 whichwayisup, You are right too...I don't want to cut her off completely..It's just now, the ball is in her court.... But over the past eight or nine months, I have been the one putting effort in a relationship....Although I understand that we all have hectic lives, she has to be honest with me and herself...Come on, how hard is it to send a quick email? It's proof that I am nowhere in that pretty little head of hers....Yet, she still tells me that she loves getting letters from me...no one else writes her other than immediate family....But I am getting really tired, this is suppose to be a two way street... Man, I loved her and I still have feelings for her....but I can only take so much.....I am trying to learn from my mistakes....I hope she realizes that she needs to grow up as well So it is up to her now....If she wants to write to me she knows my email address...she also knows my address in Asia.... But like I said, I can't worry about her as much anymore...I have a life to live....I don't wish her any harm at all, but life moves on.... MrB
noclobber Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 You don't have to cut her off at all...Just don't put alot of effort in right now and focus on her less. Trust me, if she is used to having you around, hearing from you alot - She WILL notice the difference when you don't contact her as much. She will either make an effort, think you're worth that effort and write to more - or she won't do anything. Things will be as they are now. If she puts effort in, you put effort in. It's better to have a good flow of things rather than it being too one sided...Especially with emails. MrB, I think whichwayisup is right on! This is exactly what you got to do... Back-off slowly and she herself will notice and do something if she really wants to... otherwise, well you know the answer. That's why in my opinion writing a letter and making it obvious wasn't such a good idea.. But anyway its not too late.... NC
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Yup, life moves on...It has to. But over the past eight or nine months, I have been the one putting effort in a relationship....Although I understand that we all have hectic lives, she has to be honest with me and herself...Come on, how hard is it to send a quick email? It's proof that I am nowhere in that pretty little head of hers.. And that is why putting energy into someone who isn't giving you the same kind of consideration is draining. Emotionally anyway. But, that doesn't mean she doesn't think of you, just means she isn't going to express it like you do. It is healthier and better for you to put yourself first and not focus on her like you used to. Think of her as a habit (meaning how much she was in your thoughts daily) you have to break. Retrain your brain into NOT thinking and wondering about her. Take back that control, and you'll feel so much better!
Author mrB2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 noclobber, you are right....Again, I am going to lay low for awhile...She knows my address, so if she wants to write, she will.... Let us see what happens.... MrB
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