bab Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 A couple days ago my fiance and I had a fight. It wasn't about anything serious, and we didn't make it personal. We hardly ever fight and even if we disagree about something, we just discuss it. This fight was more of a traditional venting frustrations about the matter at hand and less of a discussion. Here's the strange thing. I really enjoyed it. The fight didn't really serve the purpose of resolving anything, but it was intense. I realized that as of the last few years, while our love for each other is clear, it's been lacking in intensity. With this argument, it brought back feelings of intenstiy, mostly of irritiation at the situation, but it felt so good to have such intense feelings regarding the two of us again. I don't want to give the wrong impression. I love my fiance, and I know he loves me. I just didn't realize how "status quo" we were until this fight. Do others feel this way about their relationship with their spouses? How does it affect your relationship?
Chump64 Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Do you spend much time just talking about stuff? Really taking time to sit down and talk one-on-one can be very intense. Don't just co-exist in the same house. (Take it from me. ) Just be careful not to find conflict TOO attractive, to the point where you like the intensity and the way it makes you feel closer. That can be a very dysfunctional way to start a marriage.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Ha, you've had your first big fight and then felt those intense feelings that bring on make-up sex! It's normal. Don't worry about it! Nothing in life always stays so intense, so happy or so bad. In comes in waves. There will be times you love your man, but 2 hours later he'll bug the crap out of you and you'll sit there, thinking to yourself, "I can't stand him, and I have to spend to rest of my life with him??" ... That's normal too. As long as you both can really talk about things openly, really listen to eachother and compromise, those heated discussions won't happen too often.
JayKay Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 I think a 'fair' fight helps clear the air. Sometimes when the communication breaks down, a fight can be a relief. It's good to hear someone express themselves passionately, even in anger. I've felt the same way sometimes; I don't like conflict and hate to fight, but there are times our relationship has seemed to need that injection of intensity. It's like we're opening up and just letting damned-up emotions flow freely. As long as we fight fair and don't hit below the belt, I think an occasional battle DOES help the relationship stay healthy
Woggle Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Try to create some excitment without being at each other's throats. A good argument can be healthy once in a while as long as it doesn''t get real ugly but a couple should be able to have that excitement without a fight. A relationship though just like anything else can't be intense 24/7. Life is not roller coaster.
Author bab Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 It's good to hear your responses, it seems I'm not crazy for feeling this way. We definitely keep it "above the belt" so to speak. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. We've been together for about 5 1/2 years, so I guess it makes sense that it's not always intense feelings. I talked with my fiance about this last night, and he agrees that we've been lacking some intensity lately, but he chalks it up to me being under alot of stress. He told me that when I get stressed out he notices that I tend to pull away from everything. Interesting. I have been feeling numb lately, so this would make sense. We aren't at each other throats all the time, but I would like to hear some suggestions for injecting some intensity that aren't "hostile" so to speak. I tried the having more than chit chat conversation, but I'm not good with coming up with topics. We talked about the Cartoons, but we are of the same opinion (which I won't share as this isn't what the thread is about), so it was a short conversation.
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 We definitely keep it "above the belt" so to speak That's a good thing. I'm glad you brought that up. There is healthy fighting/arguing which every couple just does. Then there are some couples who disrespect eachother and cross the line. As long as there is no rudeness, namecalling and swearing - It does clear the air as Jay Kay has said. Also, once the fight is over, it is OVER. Don't bring it up again. That is a rule both my husband and I have - A fight is over, solved and done-that door stays shut. I hear of so many people fighting and they bring the past up again and open up a can of worms that really shouldn't be opened.
Author bab Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 I was in an emotionally abusive relationship prior to this one in which nothing was "above the belt". When my fiance and I began dating exclusively, I told him that if we fought and it turned ugly, we were done. I wasn't going there again. And so far it hasn't. Of course now that we've got so much history, it wouldn't be an automatic walk away if it turned ugly, but we might hit counseling right away.
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