candy apple Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Hi all, I am now 35 and he is 38 and we have been in a LDR for 2 years. Through a common friend of us, we knew each other in MSN chat 3 years ago. He lives in the USA and I live in Asia (30 hours by plane) we are in the opposite of the globe..... The first time we met (2002), it was a few months after we started MSN chatting, we went to Orlando Disney spending 5 days together. The holiday was wonderful and I knew i had "loved him in the first sight", the holiday ended with a deep goodbye kiss, nothing more, and we were happy. After a year we met again in my country (2003), my "love him at the first sight" feeling was still there in my heart. During the year we kept contact by sending postcard, letters and telephones. When we met again we had much more topic to talk about and knew a lot more about each other, from travelling expereince, common interest, books we read..... just seems like long distance didn't exist. When we first met again, we were very gentle and polite, then we quickly developed to hand holding, kissing and at end of his trip (4 weeks), we finally had a relationship although I knew that he was going back to the States the next few days...... In 2004 and 2005, I visited him 3 times, everytime around a month. We visited several cities and shared a lot of life experience with each other. When we were apart, it was quite amazing how we could keep up our relationship and had so much to talk and share about over the phone and MSN chat. We had endless topics..... Honestly, in these 2 years I did have several admirers and I knew he also had dated some other girls..... (LDR is surely lonely) but none of them can enter my heart and he told me the same. Are we bornt for each other .......? Although we contacted well but there is an important issue that I have never dared to mention - Future or Committment....... because I am so afraid I would scared him away, men can't be pushed for future or marriage, right? On the other hand I know that I've been waiting too long so I decided to tell him my feeling, or at least to know what he was thinking about. It was the 2005 year end.... In 2005 X'mas he visited my country again. we had a great time together, I visited his parents and surprisingly he suggested to see my parents and my friends too! But what about the words I planned to say to him....Sigh.... I finally didn't have that courage to talk to him about my feeling, because I don't have self confident to tell him and I was so afraid to lost him........ and the key thing is "I love him so much"....... After he left, life went back to normal. One day my best friend told me she had knew that I wouldn't have courage to tell him I love him so she did it for me! What?! I was like having heart attack and wondering what he replied. She said he was smiling said he knew it's been sometime with me, but he was in a life junction and needed some time to think about it, he would give me an answer soon... How my life would be? I love him, he loves me. However men are such a strangth creature that their love doesn't link to marriage. What is their logic? Can anyone tell me why.........?? candy apple
confusedgeek Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Hmmm... Wow, this seems awfully familiar to my situation although it hasnt been quite as long. My long distance relationship with my girlfriend in asia has been 2 months and 1 day now. She too is from asia and Im from the u.s., and we both have feelings towards each other. We're not quite as old, 27 for me, 25 for her perspectively. But what I can tell you is this from this experience. When I first started this relationship with my girlfriend overseas 2 months ago was, the first thing that passed through my mind was: will this work? the second question was: what will be my future be like with her around? Im pretty sure, hes been thinking about it all the time when both of you started seeing each other. It's a topic that I think about even though we've been talking/e-mailing/postal mailing/chatting/phone calling. Marriage I think isnt just that simple to pop the question. There are money matters about getting married. There is also the idea of putting the wedding together. Who to invite. Food Preparations. Wedding Decorations. Wedding Hall Rentals. Church rentals. Wedding Dress purchases. Tuxedo Suit rentals When to have the wedding. Consulting with family members., etc. There is a lot on the plate to think about when your dating a girlfriend you really like, I think. Plus, I would have to worry if I can support my girlfriend. Would she want to come here where I live, or does she expect me to go there to live? Which is she more comfortable with. But personally, I think everything is going well for you. He visited you a few times already. Im still planning on taking a trip to asia later this year because of financial reasons. I hope this helps. - ConfusedGeek
candy apple Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Hmmm... Wow, this seems awfully familiar to my situation although it hasnt been quite as long. My long distance relationship with my girlfriend in asia has been 2 months and 1 day now. She too is from asia and Im from the u.s., and we both have feelings towards each other. We're not quite as old, 27 for me, 25 for her perspectively. But what I can tell you is this from this experience. When I first started this relationship with my girlfriend overseas 2 months ago was, the first thing that passed through my mind was: will this work? the second question was: what will be my future be like with her around? Im pretty sure, hes been thinking about it all the time when both of you started seeing each other. It's a topic that I think about even though we've been talking/e-mailing/postal mailing/chatting/phone calling. Marriage I think isnt just that simple to pop the question. There are money matters about getting married. There is also the idea of putting the wedding together. Who to invite. Food Preparations. Wedding Decorations. Wedding Hall Rentals. Church rentals. Wedding Dress purchases. Tuxedo Suit rentals When to have the wedding. Consulting with family members., etc. There is a lot on the plate to think about when your dating a girlfriend you really like, I think. Plus, I would have to worry if I can support my girlfriend. Would she want to come here where I live, or does she expect me to go there to live? Which is she more comfortable with. But personally, I think everything is going well for you. He visited you a few times already. Im still planning on taking a trip to asia later this year because of financial reasons. I hope this helps. - ConfusedGeek Thank you confusedGeek. You said "What will be my future like with her around". For me it seems I understand but not understand....... What I understand is that I actually ask myself the same question, but my imagination is always something good, taking care of each other, share our happiness or sadness, to go further we will have our baby having a good family.....etc. What about men? Apart from money matter which I understand is a key point. Do they have more negative thinking like "losing their own space and freedom"? "dealing with women who they will never understand"? Can anyone tell me what men concern???? Besides, my boyfriend has just started a website and has just published some of his pictures he took recently with his old classmates. I found there are 2 girls who always stood very very close to him. I am so jealous because these girls told our common friend my boyfriend is good looking. And I know that my lack of self confidence is treatening me a lot........... candy apple
confusedgeek Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 As for losing personal space and freedom. I think I have to accept that fact when Im dating someone, I cant have as much time to do what I normally do. I think its normal when you have a relationship with someone. Because you spend time with the other person. Of course, that takes time away from the day. And I could have used those hours to do something else to do my favorite things, like read a book, watch tv. etc But right now, spending time with the girlfriend, I think is worth it. As for the pictures, do you have any reason to doubt that your boyfriend is cheating on you? I wouldnt worry about it. Trust is something I believe should be important in a relationship. Perhaps asking about it would put your mind at ease. - ConfusedGeek
Cupcake Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 After two years, even long distance, that's enough time to at least talk about the future. You can talk about commitment without pressure. If you want to get married, and you think this guy is the one, there shouldn't be anything stopping you from letting him know this after two years. If you're happy with the way things are and don't want anything further, don't talk about anything further. But if you truly want more for this relationship, you should at least talk about it with him.
RecordProducer Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 What is their logic? Can anyone tell me why.........?? 1. You have to make up an "admirer" that you will like enough, someone who is interested in taking you over from your boyfriend. 2. If that doesn't work, tell him blatantly that if the two of you don't get the relationship to a higher level, you will hook up with this guy. 3. The best of all is the silent ultimatum - you are busy, he feels that you don't want to waste your time with him, you're never online, you go out with friends, etc. Here and there you let him know that this relationship is heading nowhere and you need to find a real man for yourself.
candy apple Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 As for losing personal space and freedom. I think I have to accept that fact when Im dating someone, I cant have as much time to do what I normally do. I think its normal when you have a relationship with someone. Because you spend time with the other person. Of course, that takes time away from the day. And I could have used those hours to do something else to do my favorite things, like read a book, watch tv. etc But right now, spending time with the girlfriend, I think is worth it. As for the pictures, do you have any reason to doubt that your boyfriend is cheating on you? I wouldnt worry about it. Trust is something I believe should be important in a relationship. Perhaps asking about it would put your mind at ease. - ConfusedGeek I am not sure if I should ask him about the pictures because I feel that the chance he cheats on me is pretty low, plus I may be over sensitive. It is all because I care and I love him so much......... I have another question..... um....... Do men don't like to know about their girl friend's ex and their story???? Although my b/f said he doesn't mind to hear, I still feel that he does mind. For me, I really hate to hear his pass experience because I jealous so much although I pretend don't care...... candy apple
candy apple Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 After two years, even long distance, that's enough time to at least talk about the future. You can talk about commitment without pressure. If you want to get married, and you think this guy is the one, there shouldn't be anything stopping you from letting him know this after two years. If you're happy with the way things are and don't want anything further, don't talk about anything further. But if you truly want more for this relationship, you should at least talk about it with him. Thank you Cupcake! Let me tell you a bit more about him. He is: 1) a typical man who needs a personal space and fear about committment (if you have heard about Enneagram, he an absolute type 5). 2) On the other hand he is a very clever and a responsible man with common sense. 3) Recently he's been in a mid age crises wondering about "the meaning of life", "where am I going"..... these kind of philosopy questions. So I can see he is struggling between "committment", "responsibility" and "life". Knowing his personality it makes very afraid to scare him off if I touch his most "fragile" topic carelessly..... I have no doubt about going further with him. LDR with him I do learnt what is love and how to love, patiently.........
confusedgeek Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I don't care about my girlfriends past. But if she told me, I would appreciate it though. If she cared enough about to tell me about her past, no matter how painful it can be for her, I'd be understanding. Because, well, I care about her. If you feel like telling him, go for it, I say.
candy apple Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 I don't care about my girlfriends past. But if she told me, I would appreciate it though. If she cared enough about to tell me about her past, no matter how painful it can be for her, I'd be understanding. Because, well, I care about her. If you feel like telling him, go for it, I say. thank you again confusedgeek... something just happened last night......we chatted pretty well about men's and women's value after their marriage..... basically i said women lost value after marriage because men would lost some fantasy on them, then i quoted an example that when men check out girls in the bar and if she wears a wedding ring, man would lost interest.....bla bla bla.......... then my boyfriend said he doesn't have that experience because he never hang out bars (i can feel that he did mind me hang out bars before), and then he asked if i have ever wore a wedding ring. i didn't know what to say because i did wore wedding ring with my puppy love ex 15 years ago but i don't want to tell him. so i just avoid the answer....... he then said he's busy then stop the chat. i felt that's something wrong with him because he's always gentle and never stop msn like this. so this morning i sent him 2 emails, plus phoned him - nobody there at all, then i made so....many calls (i knew he's home becuase he never go out especially weekday night). at the end i sent him an email saing "i called you so many time but nobody there, please just drop me a note just want to make sure you are ok" - 5 min later he returned an email saying "i am fine". that's it. he has never been in this cold manner.......sigh......did i make a mistake by avoiding his question about wedding ring? or he really mind my experience hanging out bar??? i never cheat him about my past experience and he knew everything of my past..... don't know what's wrong with me......i am so sad crying today becuase he's never treat me so cold.......i am so worried. candy apple
justagirliegirl Posted February 24, 2006 Posted February 24, 2006 1. You have to make up an "admirer" that you will like enough, someone who is interested in taking you over from your boyfriend. 2. If that doesn't work, tell him blatantly that if the two of you don't get the relationship to a higher level, you will hook up with this guy. 3. The best of all is the silent ultimatum - you are busy, he feels that you don't want to waste your time with him, you're never online, you go out with friends, etc. Here and there you let him know that this relationship is heading nowhere and you need to find a real man for yourself. This is really good!
confusedgeek Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Hey Candy, Maybe you should wait until he wants to talk. This way you can bring up this issue. As to avoid the married question, its a hard thing to talk about, but I think it is something he might wonder about.
candy apple Posted February 26, 2006 Posted February 26, 2006 Hey Candy, Maybe you should wait until he wants to talk. This way you can bring up this issue. As to avoid the married question, its a hard thing to talk about, but I think it is something he might wonder about. thank you confusedgeek, actually i have never married. i just wore a wedding ring with my puppy lover together for few weeks then we broke up....... sigh..... maybe i should have simply told him i'd never wore wedding ring..... i was stupid (
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