witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 I am writing this with a sense of disbelief. I will reread before posting, just to make sure this is not some strange dream. She came around this am, before 9.00, hitting my buzzer and ringing both mobile and home phone. I just sat there and ignored them. Then texts started coming through, bullshyt ones for the most. I ignored them. This went on for a good long time, about half an hour. My neighbours were being disturbed I think, the buzzer is loud, as are my phones. I had to unplug some and turn others down. I was actually getting a little freaked out. Made some tea, and peered nervously out the window. Then after a little while another text, "I am on the waterfront, very sad you won't speak to me". Freaked me again, I thought initially that place was empty early on Sunday, so I said I would go down to see her. I was a little worried, she had in a previous argument picked up one my kitchen knives and threatened suicide, I didn't take it too seriously at the time but all of a sudden it came back to me. Where she was is a well known suicide spot, so I went down. As I arrived I saw that is was not deserted, so I relaxed a little. Considered going home again. But I went on and saw her, walked over to her. She started crying and talking about how she loves me and how I don't love her.....etc. I tried again to point out all the stuff that had happened and how I had felt, to no avail. The conversation was nothing I had not heard before. Then it got interesting, sorry about the length of this bit……. I asked her again if this other guy friend’s number was still on her phone. She again said "I don't know", then she took out her phone and told me to look. Alphamale, your words flashed through my mind, when you said you should have looked before. I did, his name was there, I read out his number, she acted like she didn't recognise it. I read out his first and last names, they are very common names here, so I know there are many men with this name. She said yes that’s him. I had her phone in my hand, too good an opportunity to miss, I said has he been in contact? Can I check your messages? She said yes. Now I know messages can be deleted I am not stupid. So I said this to her, this may prove nothing. It then occurred to me, I was wide awake luckily, that I should go to the bottom of the text list. To check when the last undeleted message had been received, to see if she deleted time wise or selectively. Well, I hit the inbox and then the up button, to go to the bottom. At the bottom was a text from a good female friend who I know, next up the list 174 of 175 was a message that just had a mobile number, no name. It caught my eye, I clicked it up. And checked the received time. 16-09-2004. ?!?!?! I looked up at her and said there is a message here from 2004. So that proves you delete selectively. Unless this phone has a 300gbyte memory or something. She asked, who is it from? (Remember that as you read on) I said, don’t know its just a number, no name, and read her the number (I have an unbelievable memory for numbers so it was instantly consigned to memory), then I read out the message to her. "Thanks a lot for that. Should be down in (Place where we both live) again soon, so I'm not saying goodbye.” It was NOT the number of the guy friend who has been in the shadows all this time. I read the message again slowly to myself. Then asked her why she would store a text like that from a unnamed contact for nearly eighteen months? She took the phone back. She got upset and snarled, that’s from a girl I know who went to (Another City name). I asked what’s her name? She got more agitated, and came to stand right in front of me, almost face to face. I was trying to think, don’t remember what she said. Something about “I have never cheated”, or “been thinking about some else”…. Along those lines. I remember the line “I haven’t been thinking of some else”. It snapped me back, I never said or suggested that. I said something is wrong with this picture. Why is there no name on the contact, she had the phone back in her pocket now. So I could check no further. I asked her what is this girls name, no reply again. I asked twice more, no reply. She started to walk away. Then I went into some kind of subconscious eruption. I picked a name from out of nowhere, her previous exes name, is it him? (Too much time on LS??) No reply. But a really odd look came over face. Her body language was screaming DEFENSE!! I recited the number from memory to her, so she knew I had memorised it, she knows my ability with numbers. By now my radar was lit up like a Christmas tree, on full power and beeping like mad. I said, I can check to find out who’s number that is. I don’t think you can actually, but I knew there was something wrong and I went on the offensive. She then made an excellent suggestion, you can phone the number. I said ok, and started to head home. She walked a little way behind me. Then caught up. I said that text does not even sound like a text from a female friend. “Thanks a lot” for what I asked? “Not saying goodbye”, “ Be down again soon”, does not sound like a female friend. She started to cry. I walked away, she came again and tried to take my arm as I walked. I shrugged her off and said, I am now going to find out who’s number that is, and why you would keep such a text for such a long time. Deleting others but not that one, even though it is unnamed. It does not feel right, I smell a rat. She stood in front of me, and said ok. Do you know who its from? I just looked at her, and recited the number again. She said yes its from (exes) name. But it was before I was seeing you, I said no it wasn’t and recited the date, 13.57pm 16-09-2004 (Love my number memory sometimes!), we were already seeing each other. Shooting in the dark? Works sometimes. Stunned silence. Then she said do you know why I kept it? Well at this point, remember she had first said it was from a girl, only a few moments ago, I just said….. “Why would I want another bucket of shyte emptied over my head? You just go and f*** off, don’t contact me, don’t come near me, just f*** off” and walked away. I checked, it was his number, just found it on the web, I know just enough about this guy to track him down, and on one site his contact number was listed as this number. His main contact number was different, so I am sure that this is his personal number. I phoned it, and got his answer machine, he even said his name. So I know for sure it was him. If you got this far thank you for reading all this. She said there has been no contact, but she also said it was from a girl, so she is happy to lie bluntly and quickly, at least I know that now. Strange relief to know for sure she is a liar. Glad I found out really, because now I can consign the whole horrible thing to the dust bin. She said they worked together, he dumped her, they only dated a few times, for not terribly long. She even recounted a story, a long time ago, about how she meant to text her friend that she had been dumped by this guy and she was relieved it was over, but she sent the text to him by mistake and how embarrassed she was by that, was that what he was saying thanks for? No, she said they had finished at Christmas 2003……. Nothing this woman says adds up…. And here is the question, at last I hear you say…. Why would anyone save such a message from an ex, for so long a time? Would you? If so why? Just re read it....no I am not dreaming.....
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 It is simple.. She cares about him a lot and she isn't telling you the truth....... Hopefully this meeting will provide enough closure for you to stop meeting up with her.. You need to do NC..
Author witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 Got you A_C, no problem now..... Hope I never see her lying face again. Are there any Rules of No Contact threads? Not sure if I need them, maybe its time to delete numbers etc?
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 It sounds o me that she might be pursuing him.. he might be a player and doesn't fully want her so that has kept her hooked.. She seems to tell lies to you concerning him.. Big Red Flag as to her feelings for him. Since you guys are broken up now have you thought of calling the guy and asking him hwta the deal is with the two of them ?.. no anger juts a shoot from the hip convo..
Author witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 Yes I thought about that, but I'm not sure if I actually care enough. What would you suggest I say, just out interest?
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Ask him if they are an item.. I don't know... About 6 months after my divorce my ExW's first husband shows up at my work and wants to go to lunch.. Not sure why he did this but it was an interesting lunch . He was trying to get me to go against her and be a witness for him in a custody dispute between them.. Of course I told him no.. but I did learn that the two of us had paralell marriages and it helped me move on.. It might be an interesting convo between you and him if he doesn't have the kind of feelings for her as she does for him.. and it might be good closure for you
Author witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 That would be interesting...... I don't know this guy, we have never met. Hmmmmmm.... Let me think on it for a while.
riobikini Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Witabix, I have been following your threads. I know you are as crushed as you are, curiously, relieved by this confirmation of what you suspected. I also know you deserve much much better. And it's somewhere in your future. Certainly not in your past with this girl. Hugs. -Rio
cal gal Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Wit - I am happy you will have the evidence needed to feel better about closure. It still doesn't make the outcome any easier though, I am sorry. Like I said yesterday, those BIG character flaws are not desirable for a mate. Huge problems would always be present because she can't tell the truth.
Ariadne Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Why would anyone save such a message from an ex, for so long a time? Would you? If so why? Who knows... But I'm glad you left her, for her I mean. You sound like a freak. A control freak and the most difficult person in the world to deal with. The poor woman.... sigh... Ariadne
alphamale Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Why would anyone save such a message from an ex, for so long a time?.... people ususally save things because it has some value. actually WITABX, this woman sounds like a nut-case drama queen. Anyone who seriously threatens suicide is either mentally ill or mentally unstable. You should stay away from her Are there any Rules of No Contact threads?
riobikini Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Adriadne, You would have to have read through the many ups and downs with this relationship, given in his posts, over time, to appreciate the final relief of having this kind of freedom she gave Witabix in viewing those numbers. Having actually viewed those numbers confirmed his suspicions and, hopefully, will give him more strength to let go of her. He is well-justified by being allowed access to those numbers, however surprisingly. And Witabix is the kind of caring, wonderful 'freak' I would love to just sit down and have coffee with, (not flirting, -but certainly intuitive). (Smile) But, Adriadne, you are gently forgiven. -Rio
Guest Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Why would anyone save such a message from an ex, for so long a time? Would you? If so why? Who knows... But I'm glad you left her, for her I mean. You sound like a freak. A control freak and the most difficult person in the world to deal with. The poor woman.... sigh... Ariadne Thats cool Ariadne, someone needs to be on the other side. No hard feelings.
Author witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 Why would anyone save such a message from an ex, for so long a time? Would you? If so why? Who knows... But I'm glad you left her, for her I mean. You sound like a freak. A control freak and the most difficult person in the world to deal with. The poor woman.... sigh... Ariadne Thats cool Ariadne, someone needs to be on the other side, No hard feelings here. Maybe I am a freak, I guess everyone is someone's freak, peace.
Author witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 To CG, Rio, and Alpha. Thanks, I am really ok here. Looking forward to Monday, oddly... New day, no more issues to deal with. Thanks all again.
Ariadne Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Hi, Well, you are right. I don't know much about this guy. But the fact that he'd "ask for her phone", then go to the last message (private stuff of hers I might add), and then get mad for a message that basically said "nothing" from a guy she had dated in 2003? Weird. And to memorize the number and look it up in the internet? Daymn. What bs! But point taken, thanks, Ariadne
Ariadne Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Hi, No hard feelings here. Maybe I am a freak, I guess everyone is someone's freak, peace. Yeah, I guess we all are (Especially when in love ) Ariadne
Lonestar Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Hi, Well, you are right. I don't know much about this guy. But the fact that he'd "ask for her phone", then go to the last message (private stuff of hers I might add), and then get mad for a message that basically said "nothing" from a guy she had dated in 2003? Weird. And to memorize the number and look it up in the internet? Daymn. What bs! But point taken, thanks, Ariadne If you'd been following this story, you would see that she is the one who offered for him to look through his phone. He only took her up on it the second time she handed it to him. The text in question was from a time that they WERE seeing each other, so obviously she had kept in touch with the ex. People remember names and numbers, especially when finding out that their SO has been less than truthful. When you're being lied to, it's only normal to want to seek out the truth. You're post was rude and I for one, don't gently forgive you, but witabix and Rio are far more tolerant people than I am.
Ariadne Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 Hi, If you'd been following this story, you would see that she is the one who offered for him to look through his phone. Yep, and so she did . My mistake, Ariadne
Author witabix Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 Please do not attack Ariadne. Her view was given, and accepted as it was. A good kick in the balls is always ok with me. I have no fear of being attacked. It made me think about it all again. I went back and read it for myself. I understood that Ariadne had not read the whole thing, but that is ok Ariadne, I bear you no malice. Your reply drove me back into the midst of it again, to re-establish if what I had done was wrong. Your comment stung me, but also made me think, maybe Ariadne is right, maybe I am a freak, and maybe this woman is better off without me. I am not perfect, I own my faults, I try my best to be balanced and accepting. So I went and thought.......... I have just come home. I went and spoke to some friends of mine. I know she is better off without me, I demand too much, I expect too much, I want too much. I want more than she was prepared to give. My standards of honesty and behaviour are way too high. I admit that. No one can live up to them. I am now, after being ok, so sad. In tears, and hurting. Me, a grown man. A grown intelligent man. This sucks. I wanted to keep it all on the level with myself. I realise now that time is against me, that I am assigned a role in life. One that I do not wish to have. I re-iterated to myself what had happened. The deception, the double standards. The barefaced lies. I caught myself off gaurd this evening. I had deleted all records of her name and phone numbers from all my phones. Her number had always had a unique ring tone set to it. The phone rang, later and I answered, it was her. More bullshyte, more rubbish. I said everything I needed to say, the expalnations were plaintive, abysmal, manipulative, and downright contradictory, all lies. I will get over this, and I thank Ariadne for giving me pause to go back through this. For making me examine what I had done, said, how I had acted, for everything. As painful as it is, it was worth it. Ariadne, she lied, from start to finish. She told me that exes were exes, she told me that she does not do 'friends' with exes. Yet as she lay in my bed, making love to me, her phone sat by my bed with a message from her ex on it, saying "I will be in (town) again, so I am not saying goodbye" for the whole time we were together. She said that she did not know if she had deleted this other guy 'friend's number. Then she said that she had given him up because of me. Then she said that she had not deleted his number because she did not want to get a text and have to ask who it was. All this said in the space of a few minutes, I called her on the logical dichotomy of what she had said. No reply. I have been taken for a fool. I know that for sure now. I thank Ariadne for making me go back over it, it was useful, it was necessary. I gave her my all, understanding, space, heart and time. She pissed it away, she will not accept any responsibility for her own deeds or misdeeds. I accept that I faciltated this treatment. I was at fault for not putting my foot down early or hard enough. I allowed me to be treated this way. For that I accept full responsibility. I will NEVER, EVER allow a woman to treat me like this again. I will live my life alone before I allow this to happen to me again.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Witabix, I honestly don't understand why you are blaming yourself for this. You had invested time in a relationship with someone you had generally come to trust, and she betrayed that trust. She wanted to keep someone as a 'friend', and you were rightly suspicious, but I don't think you had any reason to believe that there was someone else in the picture until just recently, right? Love is a 50/50 deal, man. She didn't put in her 50 - it's as simple as that. You strike me as someone with high moral character. There are women out there who won't do this to you.
Author witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Thanks Amerikajin, I was only ever uneasy/suspicious. But it went on too long. Even though I had tried to explain to her. Then with coming at the bottom of her list, all the time, and her apparent double standards I had just had enough. There was no point in continuing to facilitate treatment that I found rude and unacceptable. I had tried to explain this to her many times. Finding that text from her ex was a fluke. She had kept her other male 'friend' away from me completely. I was uneasy over this. With her blatant lie about who the text was from she showed her true colours. That for me called into question everything she ever said, I decided there and then that I did not want this in my life anymore, there was little hope of anything anyway given her attitudes. It was the final, almost unbelievable nail in the coffin. She was one who said "exes should stay as exes", and "I don't do friends with exes", not me. And the whole time she is holding onto this apparently meaningless text from her most recent ex for a year and a half. I remember also, she said a few times, "My message memory is full again", I told her there was a setting on the phone to automatically add new messages at the top of the stack and delete the bottom. She sat here in my place choosing which messages to delete. Its just so odd. She said they have not been in any form of contact since that text. That sounds odd, and I know how easily she lies. All in all too many questions, no effort, ignoring my feelings (which I admit are a little insecure). I told her that she should have introduced me to her male 'friend', that would have been cool with me, and allowed me to relax. I told her that it would have been nice to occasionally have been put first. Because those things never happened was why we were heading off the rails, then she hands me her phone for me to check if 'friendly' guy has been in contact, knowing I will be looking for his name. And bingo, the rabbit jumped out of the hat..... I still don't know the truth, I just know that I will never know. That is sufficient reason for me to walk.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Witabix, I have learned that, to some people, 'you can't prove that I have lied' = 'I haven't lied'. Your ex sounds like she's a bit confused about this and could use a little clarification. But whatever, she's not your problem anymore. Better days lie ahead.
Author witabix Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Witabix, I have learned that, to some people, 'you can't prove that I have lied' = 'I haven't lied'. Your ex sounds like she's a bit confused about this and could use a little clarification. But whatever, she's not your problem anymore. Better days lie ahead. Lol..... You know what? That is true, I think lawyers work on that principle in court. I am left with the feeling that this is what her justification is, a little Bart Simpson I think. Not my problem anymore, no indeed, I will take a valuable lesson from this. I hope I don't ever forget it. Cheers Am.
Mary3 Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Being single, I have old text messages from people I dont bother to delete. I don't delete voice mails until my phone is full. Thats just because I dont put a high priority on my cell phone and whats contained in it. I dont make contact names and numbers. The phone is used but not that often. But the difference is : if I had a boyfriend then I shouldnt be having ex boyfriends leaving voice mails and texts. I would tell that ex that I am in a relationship and he needs to stop calling. Thus I dont worry about my bf finding something he shouldn't. I think your ex gf had something to hide. I dont know the full extent of your story but it made you angry enough not to trust her. But without trust you have nothing. She was bad but you need to open up your world again someday to find someone you can trust who is not going to have secrets behind your back. Chin up !
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