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Is this relationship going anywhere?


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Posted

My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year + 3 months and in general it's been great. He's kind, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and very affectionate. He's the one who usually initiates contact first, always planning our next "date" before we part. We usually spend 1 night together during the week and every weekend, plus all the holidays and special days. He calls me every day, pretty much without fail. We have never fought, fallen out or had cross words about anything.

 

He sounds perfect, doesn't he? So why am i questioning if our relationship is going anywhere?

 

Because i feel like we're moving so slowly that we're at a virtual standstill, absolutely nothing has changed since we first met and i don't know what to do about it. There's a couple of things that concern me :

 

1) His interest in sex has all but disappeared over the last 2 or 3 months, he rarely initiates it and rarely responds when i initite it. We spoke about this and he assured me he still finds me attractive. He is under a massive amount of stress at work right now and he says that is the problem. He is still as affectionate as ever, always wanting kisses and hugs, he just doesn't seem to want sex.

 

2) He doesn't seem to want or be able to cope with spending any more time with me. He seems to have settled into a comfortable routine of Wednesday/Saturday/Sunday, and any change to this routine seems to stress him out. Whenever i have asked if i can stay an extra night he always says yes, but then as the day progresses i notice his mood changes slightly and he becomes clearly quite stressed. Every time this has happened i've asked if he would prefer to have some time alone and every time he has said yes, he would, but he doesn't want to upset me. I have never pushed the issue, i just tell him that i understand and then i go home.

 

3) I don't know if he loves me but he has never said "i love you" (with the exception of two times over Christmas when he was very drunk) He shows me in many ways that he cares about me deeply and when i get upset or try and discuss things that are worrying me he is the one who usually ends up crying! He tells me he cares about me, he tells me he finds me attractive, he tells me he thinks i'm wonderful, he tells me i'm very special to him, but he's never said he loves me.

 

4) We've had many conversations about what we both want from life and we seem to want the exact same thing, he frequently says we're very compatible and that i am pretty much his ideal woman. He frequently talks about stuff he'd like us to do together in the future, a year or so away, but when he talks about living together he becomes very non-committal, i.e. he'll say "if i ever lived with SOMEONE" rather than "if i ever lived with YOU".

 

He has never lived with any of his girlfriends. His first relationship lasted 6 years and they broke up because they wanted different things from life (they were both quite young, late teens/early 20's) Since then he has had 4 or 5 very short term relationships, all only lasting a few months, and all ending because of incompatibilities. I, however, have had a few relationships that lasted a year or two then one marriage that lasted 15+ years (i am divorced) We are both in our 30's, with me being a few years older than him.

 

I'm not sure if he's just taking things incredibly slow or whether our relationship is really going nowhere. Any thoughts?

Posted
My boyfriend and i have been together for 1 year + 3 months and in general it's been great. He's kind, thoughtful, caring, considerate, and very affectionate. He's the one who usually initiates contact first, always planning our next "date" before we part. We usually spend 1 night together during the week and every weekend, plus all the holidays and special days. He calls me every day, pretty much without fail. We have never fought, fallen out or had cross words about anything.

 

He sounds perfect, doesn't he? So why am i questioning if our relationship is going anywhere?

 

Because i feel like we're moving so slowly that we're at a virtual standstill, absolutely nothing has changed since we first met and i don't know what to do about it. There's a couple of things that concern me :

 

1) His interest in sex has all but disappeared over the last 2 or 3 months, he rarely initiates it and rarely responds when i initite it. We spoke about this and he assured me he still finds me attractive. He is under a massive amount of stress at work right now and he says that is the problem. He is still as affectionate as ever, always wanting kisses and hugs, he just doesn't seem to want sex.

 

2) He doesn't seem to want or be able to cope with spending any more time with me. He seems to have settled into a comfortable routine of Wednesday/Saturday/Sunday, and any change to this routine seems to stress him out. Whenever i have asked if i can stay an extra night he always says yes, but then as the day progresses i notice his mood changes slightly and he becomes clearly quite stressed. Every time this has happened i've asked if he would prefer to have some time alone and every time he has said yes, he would, but he doesn't want to upset me. I have never pushed the issue, i just tell him that i understand and then i go home.

 

3) I don't know if he loves me but he has never said "i love you" (with the exception of two times over Christmas when he was very drunk) He shows me in many ways that he cares about me deeply and when i get upset or try and discuss things that are worrying me he is the one who usually ends up crying! He tells me he cares about me, he tells me he finds me attractive, he tells me he thinks i'm wonderful, he tells me i'm very special to him, but he's never said he loves me.

 

4) We've had many conversations about what we both want from life and we seem to want the exact same thing, he frequently says we're very compatible and that i am pretty much his ideal woman. He frequently talks about stuff he'd like us to do together in the future, a year or so away, but when he talks about living together he becomes very non-committal, i.e. he'll say "if i ever lived with SOMEONE" rather than "if i ever lived with YOU".

 

He has never lived with any of his girlfriends. His first relationship lasted 6 years and they broke up because they wanted different things from life (they were both quite young, late teens/early 20's) Since then he has had 4 or 5 very short term relationships, all only lasting a few months, and all ending because of incompatibilities. I, however, have had a few relationships that lasted a year or two then one marriage that lasted 15+ years (i am divorced) We are both in our 30's, with me being a few years older than him.

 

I'm not sure if he's just taking things incredibly slow or whether our relationship is really going nowhere. Any thoughts?

 

I'm sorry... and your problem was??:o

 

No just kidding... seriously, it seems like:

 

1) he's stressed about work right? this stress may be affecting his sexual desire... not uncommon but not great for you. have you asked him to see a doctor or therapist? would he be open to that?

 

2) again... this relates to his stress... men compartmentalize their lives... Work/GF/Me time... by you wanting to stay the extra day, you are intruding albeit unintentionally into his ME time.. you know this, because even tho he agrees to it... he gets wacky later on and when you probe he admits that Yes, he'd prefer to be alone but he says otherwise NOT to upset you... this is not good - you don't want a 'yes-bf' who will say Yes to all your requests... while behind your back harboring resentment for doing some things against his will... you KNOW by now he needs that alone time... so give it to him! don't even ask to stay over next time... remove the pressure of him having to say yes...

 

And last... what's wrong with seeing other 3 times a week? Thats ALOT for most people... alone time is good! Do you guys at least talk/email/IM during your days apart? get busy with your life! i dont see why you need to spend more than 3 days a week with him... thats a bit MUCH IMO...

 

3) well I don't know if he loves you either... but I wouldn't focus so much on 'the words'... as opposed to the actions following those words... thats more important IMO... people should SHOW you how they feel, not just tell you... and they should tell you on their OWN time, not nec YOUR time... BUT... at the same time... he may not be saying the words just because he doesn't feel it - that THING we all call love... I really don't know... my advice? if hearing these words is so important... why don't you try perhaps incorporating the word love into your language? someone once told me that doing that may unintentiionally help the other person express their feelinga... e.g saying things like "I love the way that outfit looks on you!" or "I loved when you did this for me.." ...

 

4) him being non-commital - well, i think it's clear he's still uncertatin abt moving in with a female... and thats why he refers to her as someone as opposed to you... you said hes only really had short term rel'ships right.. he's prolly scared because maybe to him living with someone = SERIOUS

 

Last...at this point, WHAT exactly do you want after 1yr 3 mths?

 

Engagement?

 

Moving in?

 

You didn't say what exactly you wanted.

 

The fact that he cries when you try to discuss these thigns...is beyond me.

 

Mayhap he feels like you;'re attacking him?

 

Have you tried being 'lighter' when you rbing these thigns up?

 

in any case... if u feel like ur wasting ur time... u need to communicate your wants/desires to him... with the understanding that he MAY or MAY not agree... and if he doesn't want the same things as you... then u need to be prepared to walk... bcuz if u stay, you are only hurting yourself.. good luck!

 

K.

Posted

It sounds like it is going somewhere but stuck in the snow. Not only slow but stressed.

 

Stress at work can actually lower ones libido. I had a ex, she would be like that. Again it can go the other way. Sound like you got the stress = lower libido one.

 

Since he never lived with anyone and it seems like he does; have you two considered doing a trial run for say 1 week or a 3 day weekend trip? See if you two can really stand each other.

 

Another thing that might spice things up... goto his work place with just a coat and go flash him; walk away. If you are more conservative, try this, dress up in something he likes, to give him an article of clothing starting with "pant" if he pants and pursues then he is still a normal human male.

 

If he doesn't then dry spell or he is just not into you that much anymore.

  • Author
Posted

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

1) Yes, i believe it is the stress of his work that's affecting his sexual desire. I try to be understanding and i don't bug him about it because i realise this would make the problem worse. I just wish there was something i could do because i know he feels bad about being way too tired and stressed to enjoy sex.

 

2) You're right about not wanting a "yes" man and i told him the exact same thing last week! You're also right about unintentionally intruding on his "me" time, i hadn't thought of it that way. He phones me every day when we're not together, he also e.mails and text messages me too so i should be grateful. Perhaps i should stop asking to spend the occasional extra night with him and wait until he is ready.

 

3) If i think about it, showing his feelings the way he does is far preferable to saying "i love you" and not meaning it. He does say that he "loves" all sorts of things about me - i.e. "i love the way you screw up your nose" and "i love the way you are so tactile" etc. I don't know why i get a little paranoid about not actually hearing those words though!

 

4) I'm not really sure what i want to be honest! I certainly don't want marriage (or even promises of) so soon in a relationship. Perhaps i'm simply wanting some kind of reassurance that he sees me as a longer term investment than his ex's were.

 

On the final point, i certainly don't attack him when we discuss things, and i never accuse either. He's quite a sensitive guy and i think if i was like that he'd have dumped me ages ago!

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