never thought this would happen...

[ih8onlinegaming]

my story is much like others i have read, OWL and another person that I cant recall but it started with Sys...

 

for some time my wife and I have played WoW. when she got involved in her guild, she wanted to get a headset. i told her to "just be careful not to get too involved with these people, you dont know them." i told her that many times through the last 9+ months. she began to talk to a lot of them and staying up late to chat with them.

 

we've always had an open marriage, and we never hid things from each other, but i noticed she started locking her computer and would close windows or chats within the game when i would walk in the room. and so i tried to log into her email account, only to find out that the password had changed. i told her i felt, like she was hiding something from me. she insisted that she wasnt. then about 2 months or so ago, she tells me that she doesnt feel connected to me, which was obvious, it was like pulling teeth trying to get a hug or kiss from her, let alone a simple 'i love you'. then last month she went to visit her family, i didnt think anything of it, but when she got back she seemed different. about 15 - 20 minutes after he getting home she had to get on her computer and on the game. i mentioned something that she'd been gone for a week and that i was hoping to spend some time with her. so things had been tense around our house for the past few weeks, we've done little talking, i have tried to communicate with her, but everytime i try to tell her i love her, or kiss her she pulls away. the rejection over and over again has worn on me, so i made some comments and probably shouldnt have. the next thing i know she meets me at my office and says "im going to leave for a few days"

 

i didnt understand why leaving would help the situation we were in. nevertheless, she ended up leaving. she wouldnt answer her cell phone, so i started searching for answers, answers to the feelings i was having. that something was going on. she had taken her new laptop we got last year for her, but still had her old one that i was going to format. so i started searching on it, and found things that shocked me. things she had sent to another man. pictures and an IM conversation.

 

i called and left a message on her voicemail that if she could please call me. she finally did and i asked her if she had something that she wanted to tell me, she said 'about what?' and i confronted her with what i had found. she then said that was a one time thing and that she was drunk when she sent it, and that she never met the guy in person. but i have my guesses that this went on for about 2 months or so.

 

so.. then i came to find out that not only was it this one incident, but there was something far more serious that happened when she was "visiting" her family. come to find out, she had met another guy from the game, and went up there to visit him. and things happened while she was up there.

 

thats where she went when she left last sunday. though she tells me that there is nothing going on there now, and that they are just friends. i am destroyed. she says that she knows she loves me, but isnt sure of what sort of love. that i am her best friend, but she doesnt know if she has it in her heart anymore.

 

she was suppose to come home today, but as it stands now, i havent heard from her and have no idea whats going on. even IF i forgive her for what she's done, and want to attempt to resolve what has happened and continue to have a marriage with her. i dont know what she wants.

 

the fact that she doesnt even know if she loves me like a husband.. im so incrediably hurt. we have been together for almost 7 years and will have been married 5 years in 20 days. we've had a lot of good times, and i am still deeply in love with her, she was going to be the mother of my children, we were going to start to try to have babies in april. my stomach is in knots. things were going good until she got too involved with that video game and the people in it. albeit i spent a lot of time on there as well, but she was more addicted to it than myself. and now we're in this situation, which i dont know if i can forgive her, or even if she wants to be forgiven.

 

so what do i do now?

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

ih8,

Please enlighten me, as I don't know what kind of "game" you are talking about?? And why did you let her play it in the first place?

[Elyssa]

The original poster is referring to World of Warcraft (commonly called WoW), a massive multiplayer online game where people from all over the world plays together using virtual avatars in a fantasy world where they develop their characters through questing and fighting monsters.

 

I, too, have played this kind of game. It is in fact where I met my husband.

 

KnowHowLoveFeels... you said something a little disturbing... why would she have to ask him for permission to play a game?

 

To the original poster... I think there's something she's missing from your relationship, her feelings have obviously changed. Try and have an honest discussion with her when she's finally home.

 

It may sound risky, but if you love her, let her go and inform her that your door is always open. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you and have that family you long for, she will come back, and your relationship will be stronger than ever.

 

But, if you take this advice, be prepared for the fact that she might not return

 

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Thanks, Elyssa for answering my question. I guess it is not up to Ih8onlinegaming to "allow/forbid" his wife from playing. My bad.

[ih8onlinegaming]

thank you Elyssa for the advice. she did come home last night. and we talked somewhat about the situation. she is staying here but i honestly don't know where we stand. i want to forgive her. i think in my heart i already have, but she still doesnt know what she wants. i dont want to put myself out there on the line, only to leave myself open to more heartache.

 

she did come out before she went to be last night and tell me that she "was so sorry for hurting me", and she was crying at the time and i know that it was heartfelt. she gave me a hug also.

 

our communication has dwindled over the past months and i know we didn't do some of the things that we used too. and thats some of the things she mentioned last night. however, she never expressed these things to be prior to this. she never made any effort to try to get out of the rut so to speak, instead she just turned to the people in the game.

 

so i just don't know at this point. i am so confused.

 

i am not a controlling husband, i never have been, so like you said, i wouldnt tell her she couldnt play that game. there was no reasons that i would have done that to begin with. i thought it was something she would enjoy. there are dangers in that, and thats obvious. with any form of communication whether its emailing somebody, IMing or chatting with them on a video game. the problems start when you get too personal to somebody that you wouldnt normally. they can tell you sweet things and act like they honestly care about you, make you feel good inside. maybe tell her some of the things i hadn't in a while. i just dont know. i never stopped being loving toward her, i would always come and try to give her hugs and kisses, and tell her that i love her. try to spend time with her.

 

i guess i'll see how things work out. shes still asleep.

 

 

The original poster is referring to World of Warcraft (commonly called WoW), a massive multiplayer online game where people from all over the world plays together using virtual avatars in a fantasy world where they develop their characters through questing and fighting monsters.

 

I, too, have played this kind of game. It is in fact where I met my husband.

 

KnowHowLoveFeels... you said something a little disturbing... why would she have to ask him for permission to play a game?

 

To the original poster... I think there's something she's missing from your relationship, her feelings have obviously changed. Try and have an honest discussion with her when she's finally home.

 

It may sound risky, but if you love her, let her go and inform her that your door is always open. If she truly loves you and wants to be with you and have that family you long for, she will come back, and your relationship will be stronger than ever.

 

But, if you take this advice, be prepared for the fact that she might not return

 

Whatever you decide to do, best of luck.

[Owl]

OK, so here's what I suggest...

 

You've mentioned that she doesn't know what she wants. Not surprising...this is pretty much standard response from a WS (wayward spouse).

 

So suggest to her that she do this...that she give your marriage her absolute best effort...for a set time...say, six months? (if you have to, negotiate this...but NO LESS than 3 months).

 

During this time, she has to SERIOUSLY WORK on the marriage. Drop the online gaming completely for now. Break off ALL contact of ANY kind with ANY OM she has met, via game or otherwise. Send them a letter stating that she's working on her marriage, and that in order to do this there can no longer be any contact of any kind for six months.

 

Make sure she understands...that six months restarts with ANY contact. If she emails/IMs/calls/texts them, or vice versa. ANY contact.

 

She agrees to go with you to marriage counseling to work out the issues in your marriage. AND she agrees to do whatever the MC asks in rebuilding the marriage.

 

And, if at the end of this time, if she's had NO contact with OM of any kind, and has honestly and truly done all that she can, you'll work together with her to figure out what to do from there.

 

Go to marriagebuilders.com . It's a good website that has a lot of good info. Go to the general questions II forum and look for a thread there by CARDSONLY...it's about online affairs. Post there, and look at the info you find on that entire site.

 

The bottom line is that your marriage is not going to recover if she doesn't break off all contact with OM. This is your number one step. Read about plan A over on MB, and that should help you get some next steps too.

[Elyssa]

Owl has good suggestions but fails to consider one point.

 

What about her happiness? If she felt the need to seek other men, she must feel there is something missing in their relationship, even if she can't put it into words.

 

Forcing that kind of arrangement on her will only put more pressure on her and make her feel like she may as well put an iron lock around her neck and give the key to her husband.

 

In the end, she may end up resenting him and push her in the direction of the other men.

 

In my humble opinion, it might be better to allow her to figure out what she wants before he starts making any demands.

 

Yes, she must comply to her husband's wishes of breaking off contact with the other men, if that's what he wants, but only if she decides on her own that she wants to work on the marriage. Otherwise, what would be the point?

[Owl]

Elyssa-

 

Here's the deal. In no way should the BS EVER, I mean EVER, support or agree to the other spouse having an affair. I completely agree, her happiness is VERY important. But to meet her happiness by condoning the affair is probably the best possible way to destroy the marriage.

 

My wife went through nearly the exact same thing that our friend here's wife has...with the exception of the fact that I caught what was going on BEFORE she got the chance to meet with OM physically.

 

When I confronted her with the 'proof' I had of what was going on, OM bought her plane tickets to go live with him...even though they had never met face to face! The tickets were set for a few days later, since they weren't sure how I would react and what would be needed to provide for our kids.

 

I made sure that my wife clearly understood what the results would be for her choices. I let her know that we could work through all of this up to this point...but if she got on the plane her only option after that was divorce. And that coming back to me was NOT an option. I love her with all of my heart, but I was not willing to simply sit back here and wait for her to go be with another man and then calmly accept her back with no qualms. And, I lovingly showed her just exactly WHAT she would be giving up if she did this...we sat and talked about all we'd shared, the kids, everything.

 

A big part of the reason she DIDN'T get on that plane was because she could see what the consequences of that choice would be. Her happiness was VERY important to me...but at the same time, there were clear limits on what I was willing to accept in our marraige too.

 

What I'm suggesting actually DOES take into account her happiness. Because it gives her a chance to learn that her happiness is NOT dependent upon OM...the reality is that she needs to learn to be happy with HERSELF. And...it gives her the chance to leave at the end of this KNOWING she did all that she could...that she didn't just give up on her marriage.

 

Giving a WS 'permission' to have an affair only provides the framework for the end of the marriage. Telling them that it's ok for them to go 'see if what they have is real with the OM, and if it's not you can just come back' will just allow them to do exactly that. That's just allowing the affair to happen. Go take a look at the marriagebuilders.com website I suggested earlier.

[Owl]

Oh, I might add that relying on 'what she wants' here isn't safe either. Odds are, she doesn't know what she wants. And, if you've read any of the info I've suggested you'll also understand that many many times the WS mentally 're-writes marital history'...they've actually started to view their marriage in a way that is COMPLETELY different than they would have prior to the affair happening. I saw this clearly with my own wife...she was convinced that she'd been unhappy for YEARS when she was involved in the affair. But NONE of the rest of us could see that...we could see where she'd been unhappy for about a year. And the longer she was OUT of the affair, the closer her view of our marriage came back to reality. This is normal and common. But it's a clear reason why you can't truly rely on 'her happiness' as your main guide in trying to recover your marriage at that time. Again, look at the site I've suggested, and go back and read my old post here on this site.

[Ladyjane14]

Awesome post, Owl.

[Elyssa]

Owl, this is something we'll just have to agree to disagree.

 

You keep picturing wives as fickle brainless people that need to be told what they want. Well, sometimes its not the case.

 

I'm just giving my point of view, he might or not take it, but it's still a valid way of dealing with the situation. Depends on the woman and the relationship.

[jmargel]

You need some 'tough love' here. If not you'll slowly lose her. She is having her cake & eating it too. Make an appointment with a marriage counselor and ask her to join. If she doesnt to tries to talk around it, then tell her 'Words are just words and your actions speak a whole other language'. What do you think players are? Master at words. That's all. When it comes to true feelings & devotion (actions) it's not there.

 

She lied, disrepected you, broke her vows (she did cheat on you even if nothing sexually went on, to which I think it did). While you are just rolling over and piddling. You are trying to compromise on something that should NOT be compromised on. By tolerating what she is doing you are teaching her to continue & do it more to you.

 

Stand up for yourself and this marriage. Set some ground rules. Show confidence and show that you can live a happy life without her. Make her face some decisions in life. She's not a 10 year old little girl that just needs slapped on the wrist. She's been neglecting you for months and now cheated on you. Yet you are trying to compromise your own feelings & love just to stay with her?

 

It's not worth it. There's a book called 'Tough love'. I recommend you read it. I did. I believe it saved my marriage from going onto a very bad path. It's time you start doing things for yourself and making yourself happy. She is telling you one thing and she's telling this guy another. She's acting immature and selfish. It's time to put a stop to this. Give her the ultamatium if she says no to marriage counseling. Either she goes to MC or finds another place to live and then make her leave this weekend.

[Ladyjane14]

You keep picturing wives as fickle brainless people that need to be told what they want. Well, sometimes its not the case.

 

It's not really so much about making demands upon the cheating spouse, Elyssa. It's more about setting boundaries for what you can tolerate and still remain committed to the marriage yourself.

 

In this respect, you are clarifying the other person's choices, that's true. But it's not an empty threat. It's valid because you're giving your partner information on your own capabilities or lack thereof. In essence you're saying, "I can't accept a cheating partner...therefore, you must choose NOT to cheat or I must leave the marriage."

[Owl]

Elyssa-

 

LOL...it's obvious that you can't have met me or my wife!

 

She's FAR from brainless, or fickle. Actually, she's one of the smartest, wisest women I've ever met in my life. The fact that she IS so smart, and capable is a large part of what attracted me to her in the first place.

 

BUT...when you throw in the emotional turmoil that being in an affair creates, it completely clouded her ability to think rationally. Think about it...what would you tell your daughter if she met someone ENTIRELY online, and was convinced that she was totally in love with this person? Someone that she'd known online for a matter of 4-5 weeks? That she'd only shared a couple of phone calls with, totaling less than 5 hours of conversation? Someone that she'd NEVER met in person?

 

How rational was her choice to suddenly move in with this man that she'd NEVER EVEN MET? He could have been a complete fraud for all she truly knew...but you couldn't have convinced her of that at the time. Lets add in a few more things. She's deathly allergic to cigarette smoke...it triggers horrible asthma attacks. He smokes...has for years. Even just the smoke left in his clothes, bedding, furniture, etc... all would have been enough to trigger her attacks. She can't stand the taste/smell of alcohol...he drinks every night.

 

My point to all of this is that during an affair...the WS is NOT capable of making intelligent, well thought out choices. They are basing everything off of their feelings at the moment...almost never truly thinking about consequences, long term repercussions...anything that doesn't fit into their fantasy of the affair.

 

This is NOT an attack on women, or even on WS's. It's simple reality. I've seen it happen in what I openly say is one of the smartest women I've ever known in my life!

 

Affairs are ADDICTIVE. They create the same chemical reactions in the brain that most drugs do. People ending affairs suffer from withdrawl in almost the exact same fashion that someone addicted to a drug does. They completely distort the WS's sense of reality. They distort their memories of the marriage, of the family, of their spouse. They cause them to disregard ANYTHING that doesn't fit into what they 'want' at the time.

 

Do you trust a drug addict to make rational choices concerning their drug use? Nope. This is almost exactly the same thing.

 

I'm guessing that you've either been in an affair, or are currently in one, since you're posting on this site? Again, not attacking you here...just asking an honest question. I don't know you, and am not the least bit affected by your answer.

 

Realize that what I'm saying is backed up by what I've seen in my own life, along with what I've seen and learned in counseling. And in what I've seen over the years both here and on other sites that deal with infidelity. I'm not making this up.

 

And add all of that together, and perhaps my advice to IH8 makes a little more sense.

[barfool]

The affair was a manifestation of her unhappiness in the marriage. Sounds like there were some problems for her that she did not want to work on or think about so she withdrew to the game and to her virtual friends.

 

She needs to seperate herself from all of these factors and make a decision on whether she wants to remain in the marriage. This means some time away from you too. She needs to be able to evaluate it as objectively as possible. If she decides to stay then you two definately need MC.

 

In the meantime, try not to beat yourself up about it. All you can do is look out for your own well-being. Just keep being a good person and try to have some fun to keep your spirits up. Go hang out with friends and enjoy life.

[Owl]

Barfool-

 

I would completely agree with your advice, with one minor problem.

 

See my comments about how ADDICTIVE affairs are.

 

One of the most common requests that a WS makes either during the affair or shortly afterwards is "I need some time alone to sort things out in my head and heart.".

 

And...if that time was TRULY spent alone, without any of those outside influences, it could well and truly be a good thing...especially if it was enough time to get over her withdrawl for the affair.

 

But...that never happens. What DOES end up happening is that the WS ends up spending that time they're away from the BS in the arms of their lover. And that just gives them time to reinforce the fantasy of the affair without facing the reality side of things...it's an escape TO the affair, rather than dealing with the issues that led to it.

 

What she REALLY needs is time away...WITH her H...away from the REAL stressors that are the problems...away from the kids, the bills, the messy house, etc... They need the time and chance to REBUILD their bonds...not the opportunity for her to run TO the OM.

 

My wife asked for the EXACT same thing...and then immediately IM'ed the OM and began setting up plans to meet him in person. Shows you how addicted she was to him, doesn't it?

[Elyssa]

Owl, again... I just don't agree with you. I'm not saying your advice is invalid, I just don't believe that would work for all women. What worked for your wife, for example, would've made me run away from you in a heartbeat and never look back. Every woman and relationship is different and you can't just generalize the way you're doing.

 

On the other hand, no I am not in an affair, nor have I ever cheated on any of my partners. In fact, I have been cheated on by several of my boyfriends, so I am sensitive to the issue.

 

I still believe the best course of action is to allow the original poster's wife to decide on her own and after she has decided she wants to stay with him, make her understand what her husband requires of her for the marriage to work. Then, it's her choice whether or not she feels it is worth it to invest the time/emotion into it.

[Owl]

Elyssa-

 

First off, sorry for having made that assumption that you might have been involved in some fashion with infidelity. I didn't mean anything unkind or judgemental...simply a thought I'd had.

 

As far as my providing 'general' advice...you're right, it is pretty much 'one size fits most'. Given that we're posting on a website, and I don't know any of these people in person, how could anyone possibly expect anything else?

 

But...I'd also like to point out a few more things, and then I'll shut up...I promise!

 

What I've described and suggested DOES apply in the vast majority of situations where infidelity has occurred. Ask some of the other long time posters here on this site...or over on the marriagebuilders.com site as well. You see it time and again...affairs almost always exactly follow the same pattern...it's virtually a script for all the players involved. Which is why generic advice DOES often prove to be helpful.

 

Additionally, I know that it's far different from seeing a situation from the outside and actually having been in it. I was one of those people who swore up and down that if she ever cheated on me I'd be gone so fast there would have been a hole in the air where I was standing. Not at all what I ACTUALLY did when I found myself in that situation.

 

What I suggest might not work in a situation where you've been the one to have the affair. But none of us can know for sure until we've been there. Personally, I myself couldn't advocate suggesting to a spouse who's involved in an affair to simply go and enjoy themselves and come back when they're done...if that's what they want. The emotional trauma to the betrayed spouse would probably be so great that reconciliation becomes impossible. Basically, they're becoming a doormat allowing their spouse to continue with this kind of behavior. And...one thing I've heard from a LOT of women over the years...a woman normally cannot love a man that she doesn't respect. Very few women could respect a man who just meekly acquiesced to her having and continuing an affair while he just quietly sits there and tells her that it's ok, he'll still be there when she's done. YOU might still be capable of doing so...but from what I've seen, the vast majority of women wouldn't. They'd truly lose all respect for him...he'd be a whimp in their eyes...and immediately after that they'd lose whatever vestiges of love that they had left for him.

 

What I suggest is a way to rebuild that love.

 

Please...go take a look at marriagebuilders.com. I don't base all my advice off of that site, but it's got a LOT of good insight into the minds of people who have or are dealing with exactly these issues.

[Elyssa]

Owl you're just twisting the post I originally made giving advice.

 

I never meant to infer that the infidelity should be tolerated and just welcome the spouse with open arms after he/she is done.

 

I meant it as a one-time deal, to allow the cheating spouse to go and make up his/her mind regarding their marriage. If he or she comes back of his/her own will instead of being "forced" to stay, the relationship tends to strengthen because they miss what they had and want to get it back.