Guest Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Hi there, I couldn't seem to reply to the other posting.......anyway, yes i closed e-mail account but that didnt stop him from calling. I didnt pick up, so I just got message...... Obviously he is devasted.....keeps talking of wanting a future. I do truly believe when he says this for many reasons....however he is still married. I am def. having a really rough time.....I am trying to walk away due to guilt and for no other reason....even though I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who says that is reason enough. I truly love this man........but I am commited to another and the hurt it would cause my family is unthinkable...... please anybody, some advice, some comments.........really struggling.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Don't talk to him. Tell him you need to work on your marriage. From the sounds of your posts, your only walking away because he won't D his wife, not because you feel guilty about the affair. I hope that is not the case. Is this a power play to get him to do what you want him to do?
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 No, I didn't tell my H simply because I knew it would tear my family apart. I dealt with the situation. I guess I should clarify about the "love" part...I did love him more than I ever wanted to admit to myself and I know he loved me but that it is a lot of the reason I had to stop. I didn't want to believe that I loved him because I never had intentions on leaving my h. It is very hard and to see him still today is hard...but I agree to the comment made reference "desire for your H"...it's true...I love to come home and just spend time with my family. My family is what I use for healing...it's the best medicine. I hope you find strength and do what is going to make you happiest. It is a long, hard, painful road but you can do it. Time will help you heal.
lizad Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 to gabber, I finally registered but I am the guest that posted this thread......are u still seeing the OM? I really have no intention of leaving my family either. Alot of the time I was able to separate the two lives i was leading....it was when I couldn't that i had all the guilt, etc.... the OM would get serious with me and consume me and constantly talk of wanting to end up with me.....i would totally get swept up in his talk and his charm but then reality would set it and that's when I would try to walk away...... it is an addiction to some extent but I really think if i stay strong and continue the NC......I will def. be ok. it is something I dont think I will regret for diff. reasons b/c we are who we are today thru things we go through in life...nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes....... my choosing to not tell my husband is my decision and I will live with whatever guilt that i have in what i have done....... the funny thing is, no matter what my OM declared to me......he is still married....i believe they truly have these desires to be with the OW but it is easier said than done, especially if there are children involved........
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 To Lizad, I still do see the OM but not alone and not often. I work around the same area as he so it's virtually impossible. LIke I said before it has been a couple of years since we broke it off and we didn't speak for nearly that long. Not even acknowledge eachother. However, things have changed and we do talk but not every day and I make sure not to be alone with him for fear of falling back into it. I know exactly how you feel and what you are going through and I know how hard it is. It almost hurts. I too lead separate lives. I had my life at home and then the life with him and it is SOOO hard to keep them separate. It will wear you down...mentally and physically. I never told my H because I feel like he doesn't deserve to be hurt. He didn't do anything wrong. It was me and we never got "caught" so why inflict the pain now. I never ever want my children to know and bringing it up to my H would be the one way they would. I know a lot of people don't agree with that but it was my decision and it I have to live with it. I know it isn't easy but trust me...you won't believe how much better you will feel and that too will take time. I still have days it really weighs me down but I can cope now which I never ever thought I would be able to do.
Mz. Pixie Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 He didn't do anything wrong. Um, yeah he did. He did have sex with you knowing you were married. You're trying to protect him when you should be thinking of protecting your marriage. Exposure and telling is the true way to keep you from going back to him. You'll probably get caught down the line, just because you haven't so far means nothing. People get caught 5- 10 years down the line.
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 No, I know the OM did wrong I meant my husband. I am not protecting him. There is nothing there to protect at this point. What I am doing now IS protecting my marriage. I wasn't bragging that I didn't get caught...I merely stated why hurt him by telling him now. I guess I've never heard the statistics on "getting caught" before.
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I appreciate your statement but I don't think I need to spill my guts to keep me from going back to him. I know what I went through and I know I don't want to go through it again. I didn't say the OM did NOTHING wrong...uh...hello, we both did. I was referring to my H. Besides that I was not bragging on not getting caught because I know it happens. I didn't know there was a statistic on it but I know it happens and I am not going to sit around and stress or start feeling guilty and tell on myself for something that may not happen. I have dealt with my situation and there is no "going back". It is long gone and it's the "past". I have the rest of my life to live and freaking out over "what if's" isn't in it. I do respect your opion though.
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Um...No, I was referring to my husband not doing anything wrong. And as far as the 5-10 year thing....I am not going to sit around and stress over "what-if's" for the next 5-10 years...it could happen in 1 year or 30 years....I guess I never knew there was a statistic on it.
theantibarbie23 Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 II never told my H because I feel like he doesn't deserve to be hurt. He didn't do anything wrong. It was me and we never got "caught" so why inflict the pain now. I never ever want my children to know and bringing it up to my H would be the one way they would. Perhaps the reason that you are still having problems dropping the OM is because it sounds from your posts that you'd rather sweep this whole thing under the rug and hope that it will go away. What steps have you taken to try and fix whatever it was within the marriage and yourself to cause you to cheat in the first place? It going to be extremely hard to try and fix your marriage, if one of the people in the marriage is blind to what's going on. While it's true that hiding this from your husband is protecting someone, I think the person it protects most is you. I get the feeling that most WS that try and hide the A because they don't want to be confronted with the affects of the A on their family. They don't want to see their husband/wife and children look at them in a new light. Doesn't the innocent party involved deserve to decide what would be best for themselves in life rather than being kept in the dark and having their decisions made for them? The thing is, that by hiding it, I fear you may be seriously sabotaging bringing real healing into your marriage. Your relationship with your husband is now based on deceit. That's never a good thing.
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Did I miss something? I mean my post was to the person that started the thread and I did dump mine. I still see him once in a blue moon and that is merely in passing on the street or what have you. I do not want the confrontation or my kids to know and this topic has been discussed with my spouse and his feeling is as mine is...if you didn't get caught why purposely hurt the other person? I know...sounds odd but that's the way it is and will be. We had issues and mostly my immaturities that caused my A but I have worked through those and I have grown from my experience.
lizad Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hi Gabber, yes I am not sure why they are responding to you like that...... I agree with you in your choice not to tell your husband.....I am not telling mine with the agreement of the therapist i was seeing......who knew my husband as well...... I know there are many who disagree but that's what makes horseracing and not everyone has the same situation.... I have it a little easier with the NC b/c he lives in the next state........ he would travel a total of 4-5 hours more than once a week to see me...... although it is a small world.......the likeliness that we would run into each other accidentally is small........ anyway thanks for your words of support and encouragement......... it has been 6 days of NC on my part as he has left voicemail a few days ago but I am feeling really good about it and I will continue to come to this forum for support or just to vent..........
theantibarbie23 Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Bah, I quoted the wrong person. I knew it was going to happen sooner or later, sorry gabber my post was directed at the OP.
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Good I am glad you are sticking to it. Keep it up and you will be fine...trust me.
Gabber Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hey, No problem...I understand and appreciate your comments.
Hurtingtoo Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Currently I am in the same situation, my OM is just seperated (so he says when we met) and I am also married. My husband found out about my affair because of my own actions, I do believe I was asking to be caught so I could end the drama and the guilt of trying to lead two lives. I am hurting now because I am going through that "morning period" from the OM and I want to reach out to him. However I do love my husband and want to make this work. Nothing said this would be easy.....I to am hoping to be strong and keep things from making me uneasy about my future. The OM in my life is continuing to try and contact me via other friends and that is not helping at all. I am glad I found this place...having nobody to really share with besides my therapist.
lizad Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Hi hurting too...... Boy I know exactly how you feel.....what did your husband say when he found out? does he know the OM? mine doesn not......my OM lives in the next state. I dont see my therapist anymoe, however I might have to go back........ how long was your affair going on for? I just broke NC with my OM after a week....I am soooo unbelievably torn.....my husband does not know and truthfully I dont think he wants to know anything even if he has had suspicions......over the two years this has been going on..... I am having a multitude of emotions........I guess you can understand exactly what I mean...... what is the status now for you with everything????
Hurtingtoo Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 My husband found out because he suspected and flat out asked me about it. (I think he had suspected for awhile) I was in a momentary down moment and told him. The OM does not live in my state either and we met of all places online (via a mutual love ofo the same type of activites..etc) we had met at past activities from friends and then started our online talking...and the rest as we know.... This has also only been going on for only a few months (and one weekend where we did have sex). My husband wants to work on it but can't seem to get past it either) I am trying to put the past behind me and move on. I fell for what I thought was someone and I am coming to realize that it wasn't the person but the feelings the person was making me fee again about myself (37 and 2 kids etc....)I am going through some very hard let down from it now and it is very hard. Yeah- I know the different emotions that are coming...PMS doesn't help either..LMAO!
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