witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Well, I have had enough. I just grew tired of coming last, behind everyone else. I tried to explain, many times over the last year. But nothing changed. I was dating a woman with no kids, no ties, but she always put me at the end of her to do list. I came behind family and friends, male and female, every single time. There was not one single time in nearly a year and a half when I came first, or even a close second. Holiday cut short, for family reasons, leaving me to go to lunch/date with male friend, holiday weekend nights with her female friends... the list is much longer. She lived and worked within a few hundred yards of my place. But not even on a Friday night did I ever see her before ten. And more usually later, sometimes as late as midnight. There was always a reason, other people. I don't know if I was unreasonable in expecting something else. I really don't know. But I said to her last night that this does not feel the way I want it to, she said we should break up. I agreed. I explained all the above to her. I said that I thought she did not have time for a relationship, at least with me. I asked her if her previous bf's got this treatment, she couldn't look at me, and didn't reply. I asked her if she still had the other guys number on her phone (The male friend who I have never met in all this time, they have a long history of 'friendship'), she said..... and I quote......... "I don't know". What? She offered me the phone to look, I refused to look at her phone. There were no raised voices, or argument, she said she loves me, but that I deserve someone better than her. I asked for my keys back. Then I just let her leave..... I went down to the river, and screamed at the sky. I have lost my voice today. I think I gave her time and space, but nothing changed, she listened sometimes and accepted what I said, but nothing changed, I even ranted once or twice, but nothing changed. I was not happy with the situation, and I could not change it. She never said take it or leave, but thats what her actions said, at least to me, so I left it. I feel relieved today, a little sad, but more relieved, at least tonight I won't be hanging around waiting for her to txt that she is free, or going out again on my own seeing all the other couples going out together and waiting in the bar for her to show up, never really knowing what time, she was ALWAYS, ALWAYS late, even if she set the time to meet me, she turned up on time maybe two or three times in eighteen months. Am I wrong? What else could I have done? Are my expectations too high?
gfto Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Were you wrong? No. What else could you have done? Nothing. Were your expectations too high? No. It sounds like this girl has had low interest level in you for a long long time. In her mind, she had already broken up with you long ago. When you finally told her that things don't feel right, that was the perfect out she had been waiting for, so that she could make it official. Of course she had other guys in her phone, but that isn't particularly relevant. What's relevant is that she simply wasn't that into you during that year and a half. You should be commended for keeping your cool. You get a gold star in self-control.
Lonestar Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 OH, witabix, I'm sorry! This really sucks, but you did the right thing. If she was truly concerned and didn't want to lose you, she would have done whatever it took to make it work. When you told her you were tired of being last, she would have made promises and steps to put you first. It appears she did not care enough about the relationship with you to do that. You deserve someone who will make certain you feel good and secure, not make you feel like a doormat. My ex always put me last too, or so it seems. He would tell you otherwise, but the only time we spent together was at home in front of the TV having sex. He didn't like to take me out and would make plans with his friends before even thinking about me. He would buy tickets to something months in advance and never ask me if I wanted to go. If his friends needed his help with something, he would be there right away. If I needed help with something, I felt like I was bothering him and he would procrastinate for as long as possible if it ever got done. I started to feel very insecure because I wasn't important in his life. I'd ask him to make changes and he'd promise me he would, but there was never much action on his part. It hurts to even think that I didn't matter, or that making me happy was such a chore. According to him, since he was with me every night when he stayed home, that was enough and to him they were the best times since he valued being with his family. He just didn't like to do much of anything with me in public. That was reserved for his "friends." I guess I was not a friend. Sorry to go off on my own rant, but I thought sharing some of my crap might help you feel not so alone. You were right to walk away from her and now you need to stop contacting her so she knows what it's like to miss you. Maybe then she'll realize that you stood up to her and she'd better change it up or you'll be gone forever. If she did come back, most likely the change would be temporary and she'd fall back into the same pattern eventually. It's usually the case as I found out firsthand. HUGS to you, witabix! You're a great guy, and you'll find better someday
UT_longhorn Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 sorry to hear that man. i know exactly how you felt. her friends. her family. her work. it all came before me. it wasn't like that in the begining. it just slowly changed into that. she was long gone emotionally when she broke up with me. in the future, you'll see it as a blessing. we just need time to heal from all of this.
Author witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Thanks Lonestar, your story sounds similar. There were a few things she said over and over again to me... "I really value my own time" "I do not make plans, I never know what I am going to do tomorrow, never mind the weekend" Yet.......... She could plan months in advance to see her male friend, or plan a whole weekend with her female friends, or family and she chose to spend her valuable time elsewhere, while I sat and waited like a sap.... I have a life, loads to do, and goals to reach as well. But I will always make time for a relationship, well maybe not for a good while, but you know what I mean. And thanks gfto, I am actually proud of myself, I kept the wolf chained up really well, he was watching, but I kept him quiet. I am really pleased about staying so calm. Screaming at the sky sounds like I am mad, but trust me it let all the bad feelings out.
alphamale Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I was dating a woman with no kids, no ties, but she always put me at the end of her to do list. actions speak 100 times louder than words WITABIX... I asked her if her previous bf's got this treatment, she couldn't look at me, and didn't reply. typical... What? She offered me the phone to look, I refused to look at her phone. you should have looked at the phone There were no raised voices, or argument, there should have been...when a man loses (or never gets) respect from his woman there will be a hefty price to pay. she said she loves me, but that I deserve someone better than her. typical female-speak...the old "its not you, it's me" thing...she's full of krap. at least tonight I won't be hanging around waiting for her to txt that she is free, this is a role reversal...she should have been the one waiting around for you. you gave away all your power and control. she turned up on time maybe two or three times in eighteen months. thats cause you let her get away with it....back 18 months ago you should have ripped her a new a**h*** the 2nd time she was late and you should have done it publicly in front of people. that would have taught her a good lesson. you give a woman an inch and she'll take a mile.
Author witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 sorry to hear that man. i know exactly how you felt. her friends. her family. her work. it all came before me. it wasn't like that in the begining. it just slowly changed into that. she was long gone emotionally when she broke up with me. in the future, you'll see it as a blessing. we just need time to heal from all of this. Cheers UT, I hope you are doing ok. This isn't like the last time, I was wounded and in pain, thanks for your words then also. I shed a few tears last night, but went to bed relaxed and slept well. Now I am calm and overall quite happy. I can focus on me again. I have my own life back. I am not sitting here pining, I stood up for what I wanted, calmly and assertively. She couldn't get it, or wouldn't get it. I believe she just didn't want to make the effort, thats ok, as Lonestar says she will miss me. I wasn't getting anything, so what do I miss? Nothing. If I go out tonight I may well bump into a few women I know, I can talk to them now without getting any questions. I won't have to shrink from their hugs and touches. I am freed, this is not a prison for me. I was just wondering if I did somethng wrong, or expected too much. I don't have any real negative feelings for her, I gave her the time and explained many times, but it didn't change, so I was happy to walk away. Maybe someone can relate to the way she behaved, and explain why people do that?
loony Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 you give a woman an inch and she'll take a mile. Believe me, men do this, too. Witabix, I can't believe you stayed with her for such a long time. I know, I would have freaked out way way way before.
Author witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 this is a role reversal...she should have been the one waiting around for you. you gave away all your power and control. Once again I agree with you Alpha, thanks for that post man, I was smiling whilst reading it. I think the above is one of the main reasons I got tired of it, and I felt as though I was trying to cross a one-way street looking in the wrong direction. I increasingly got the feeling that a truck was coming behind me. I was too complacent and accepting, "I understand you are busy baby", what an idiot, nevermind I know better now eh?
alphamale Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Believe me, men do this, too. of course, everyone does....but they get away with it because they are allowed to.
Author witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Believe me, men do this, too. Witabix, I can't believe you stayed with her for such a long time. I know, I would have freaked out way way way before. There were a few issues I became aware of, and I over compensated with understanding. But I think I may have spotted something a few weeks ago. She was always banging on about her "brutal honesty", how no one understood her. She was on the phone to her mom, and told a great big lie! I looked at her in surprise, She said "Yea well, now you know I can lie". That had played through my mind for a while. Wonder what else she lied about? I don't care really though. Doesn't matter now does it?
Craig Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Witabix you did the right thing in getting out of that relationship. You're a smart guy so I'm sure that it's a lesson learned. Next time you see those characteristics in a SO run for the hills and don't hang on so long. While I regret that you don't have the relationship you want I am also happy that you are no longer trying to find what you want with the ex.
loony Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 of course, everyone does....but they get away with it because they are allowed to. Men as well.
Author witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Witabix you did the right thing in getting out of that relationship. You're a smart guy so I'm sure that it's a lesson learned. Next time you see those characteristics in a SO run for the hills and don't hang on so long. While I regret that you don't have the relationship you want I am also happy that you are no longer trying to find what you want with the ex. Thanks Craig, , you are smart guy too my friend. Thanks for your thoughts.
alphamale Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 There were a few issues I became aware of, and I over compensated with understanding. you should have over-compensated by becoming an a**h*** and not takeing her crap. women want a man who won't let them get away with shyt. But I think I may have spotted something a few weeks ago. I think "a few wks ago" was probably about 15 months too late... Wonder what else she lied about? trust me WITABIX...you don't want to know now. its way too late.
Author witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 you should have over-compensated by becoming an a**h*** and not takeing her crap. women want a man who won't let them get away with shyt. I think "a few wks ago" was probably about 15 months too late... trust me WITABIX...you don't want to know now. its way too late. , yea, maybe Alpha!!
cal gal Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Wit... It sounds to me like she took advantage of your kindness. No relationship is great when one person is being used and the other is making all the effort. I wouldn't give her another thought. You need to be with someone who will be your friend and partner. Basic respect in any relationship is fundamental, and she lacked terribly. This alone will take the fun out of it. The lie she told her Mom, that is very telling as well. Especially if she didn't think badly for it. Too many "big" character flaws to make it work, you did the right thing.
Lonestar Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Thanks Lonestar, your story sounds similar. There were a few things she said over and over again to me... "I really value my own time" "I do not make plans, I never know what I am going to do tomorrow, never mind the weekend" Yet.......... She could plan months in advance to see her male friend, or plan a whole weekend with her female friends, or family and she chose to spend her valuable time elsewhere, while I sat and waited like a sap.... My ex said some of the same things, and the one that really pissed me off was "I don't make plans in advance." When I started to keep tally of all the plans he made in advance with his friends and confronted him with that, he promised he would try harder. Two weeks went by and he still hadn't made any plans with me. I would find myself waiting around until the weekend, hoping he would want to take me out. I felt like I was always waiting and hoping. I guess it was my fault because I settled for seeing him when we were home watching TV and screwing. He was getting what he needed so why take me out? I finally said screw you and told him I would not see him anymore unless we did things together. He was freaked out, promised he would try. I waited and waited and he STILL couldn't plan anything with me, but still asked to see me. His reasoning was that he couldn't stop having sex with me and take me out first. He needed that closeness in order to enjoy and feel confortable going out with me. LMAO! This guy could rationalize anything. I still stuck to my guns and refused to see him unless he took me out. Eventually he turned it around and said he couldn't so it my way and it wasn't fair. He did try to take me to some diesel truck gathering, but that only enraged me and I didn't go. Then he was gone saying he tried, but it wasn't good enough for me. Obviously, I didn't mean a whole lot to him, but I don't think I asked for much either. For him it was asking too much.
Author witabix Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Thanks CG.. She just called, to meet tonight. I forced her to set the time and place. I will go along, give her fifteen minutes past the time, and if she dosn't show, I'll leave. Not in a revenge way. I am not going to beg her or anything even remotely like it, if she wants to meet for a drink thats fine with me. It is not a bar I ever go into. I have a few left field questions of my own. Its funny, now I feel as though I can just ask whatever the hell I like, see how the lies flow, or otherwise. I know a few things she doesn't realise that I am aware of. I am a careful listener, and can remember things said a long time ago. I can also piece things together. So I am sure there will be protestations about going to see her, don't worry I am lamely limping this. I have my own agenda now. I think it will be interesting. I will not listen to any more sob-stories, I wonder what she has to say for herself? I will have a far more "Alpha" style this night! Far less the doormat.
alphamale Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 He did try to take me to some diesel truck gathering, but that only enraged me and I didn't go.
Lonestar Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 one time he took me to the monster truck races
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 He did try to take me to some diesel truck gathering What an idiot.. " hey honey I just scored front mud pit row seats to the truck show .. Do I love ya or what ? "
alphamale Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 She just called, to meet tonight. I will have a far more "Alpha" style this night! Far less the doormat. Alpha wouldn't give her the time of day far less agree to meet her tonite...
cal gal Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I'd cancel (sorry - yes I can be mean). You deserve better than her manipulations Wit. She is not giving you the effort she should. There are women out there that don't think these actions are okay. All she is doing everytime is telling you that you aren't worth her effort. I hate it when people are late! It is totally disrespectful! I wouldn't give her the time if she asked me on the street....
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I will go along, Why ???? At this point showing up is being a doormat ... Let some time pass first..at least a few days or a week.. Cancel.. man.. keep your ballz and show her that you are not a doormat any longer
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