Tired

[WeaknPowerless]

I'm so tired of this. Tired of being lonely. Tired of being sad. Tired of caring so much for her. Tired of writing my thoughts. Tired of needing to have support. Tired of being without my girl. Tired of this addiction to recovery. Tired of boring people with this tedious issue. Tired of looking for encouraging words. Tired of not wanting to see other people. Tired of envy to those I think have what I want. Tired of beauty. Tired of pride. Tired of trying to be a good person. Tired of it all.

 

Wake me up when the decent decide to stand strong and the liars become a minority. Wake me of my own ignorance and let me live in the world everyone else seems to walk around in. I'm not perfect, but why do I feel such injustice? I'm so freaking tired of not knowing...anything!

[fooled]

You express your feelings eloquently and even poetically. I wrote the same thing - nearly the same words in a journal today. I am tired of feeling something - anything - for a woman who treated me with such total disrespect ,where her only excuse was "I'm sorry - I'm not good with relationships." THEN WHY DID YOU ASK FOR ONE?

 

I feel for you, my friend. I've said this before - I feel like I'm not living - just surviving. And that isn't acceptable.

 

I am willing to try anything. You sound like you're in so much pain - I want you to recover quickly. But don't have the answer.

[UT_longhorn]

WNP..fooled

 

i feel both of you. i feel so grey. everyone tells me time will make things better. its so hard to believe that right now when i look at the world through teary eyes.

 

this is the hardest thing that i've ever had to go through. i hope i can look back on this in the future and really see it as a lesson learned.

[Craig]

Acceptance of this shyty ride we are on right now and knowing that no matter how bleak, dark, gray, painful, etc. our experience of "it" is right now that things will get better in the future.

 

Knowing things will get better, regardless of how krappy things are right now is hard for me but it's what keeps me going.

 

Pain is my friend, I will never be lonely.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

our experience of "it" is right now that things will get better in the future.

 

Knowing things will get better, regardless of how krappy things are right now is hard for me but it's what keeps me going.

 

But how do you know it will get better? In the last six years I've a lot of horrible times, and the "getting better" is only fleeting. As soon as I begin to feel even the slightest bit comfortable and safe, thinking things are better, then the effing rug gets pulled out from under me. I feel as though I walk through life, trudging defiantly through all the s*** and fighting for my own happiness and security, but I have to constantly be looking over my shoulder because tragedy always returns and usually worse than before.

[Outcast]

Ask Nelson Mandela. Ask people who have been jailed unfairly for twenty years or more. It does get better. It will get better. And because our memories are kind and the past fades, when things get better, the bad times fade away.

 

Life is never all bad. Your pets are still sweet. Your favourite foods still taste wonderful. There are still sunrises and sunsets and funny books and movies and flowers. So what you do when life seems awful is you look for the small good things that are all around you. You take your mind off the troubles and focus it on finding the good - make it a game or challenge for yourself to find things that do please you amid all the mess. And then savour them.

 

Tiny plants will seed themselves and begin to grow in the smallest cracks in concrete - that's a miracle - how cool is that? Be one of those little fragile bits of life that refuses to be stymied by the seemingly impenetrable situation - find the tiny crack, grow, and thrive.

[mablung]

I am sorry to hear about this, you guys. I am only at the beginning of the kind of s***ty trip you're going through...so I'm afraid I don't have an answer or a solution, only sympathy and good thoughts.

 

Outcast, I really appreciate your words. And I believe that is absolutely the best conclusion to such a thread - so I apologize for ruining it, in a way.

I understand what you're saying about the beautiful things in life. Yes, they are all still there, true. But what do you do when you can't enjoy any of them (anymore) ?

Like I said, I'm going through a divorce/separation/God knows what right now. And I love my (not yet ex-)wife like hell, and she cares for me a great deal as well. She is trying to help me, to give me advice and some moral support to move on, to get on with my life, but I can't find any joy in anything. I used to be a huge book reader, play games, and other things, but none of those mean anything to me now. I can't take any pleasure or happiness from anything, and everything has some twisted way of just reminding me of her, and times with her, and it all comes crashing down, over and over again.

 

I was told to try to get absorbed in work, hobbies, friends, etc... but I don't _care_ about work anymore. I don't want or care for a career. I don't derive any pleasure from any of my hobbies. I have few friends, and while they are trying to help me, it doesn't do too much.

Sure, I've seen a counselor - she sucked (and no, I'm not just being cynical).

I don't want anything (other than her, that is). I would literally like to be able to crawl into a hole as deep as possible and just wait to die, for this damned miserable s*** to be over.

 

I realize you may think "Well, this is just the beginning, give it a little time". You'd be right, but we've actually been separated for over 6 months now, and nothing became better in the meantime - on the contrary...

 

Sorry for hijacking your thread, WeaknPowerless, and for not being able to provide some advice. It probably doesn't help, but know that I am feeling very much the same things you are...

[Craig]

Originally Posted by jen_jen_heartbroken

Originally Posted by Craig

our experience of "it" is right now that things will get better in the future.

 

Knowing things will get better, regardless of how krappy things are right now is hard for me but it's what keeps me going.

 

But how do you know it will get better? In the last six years I've a lot of horrible times, and the "getting better" is only fleeting. As soon as I begin to feel even the slightest bit comfortable and safe, thinking things are better, then the effing rug gets pulled out from under me. I feel as though I walk through life, trudging defiantly through all the s*** and fighting for my own happiness and security, but I have to constantly be looking over my shoulder because tragedy always returns and usually worse than before.

 

I know it will get better because it always does get better. That being said, I tend not to repeat the same mistakes (too many times ) and so the chances of this kind of krap happening again in my life does not exist. I had a good life before this krap. I had challenges that I enjoyed overcoming, problems at times that I'd rather not deal with but never the kind of krap I have now. I know my experience of my life will get better as I remove krappy people from my life.

 

I'm curious to understand what you consider "horrible times" and what you mean by "the effing rug gets pulled out from under me" when you talk about your life.

 

Talk to me

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I'm curious to understand what you consider "horrible times" and what you mean by "the effing rug gets pulled out from under me" when you talk about your life.

Divorce, death, miscarriage, fiance ran off, cancer, job loss, chronic disease, financial ruin and repeated abandonment by loved ones.

 

Call it whatever you want, but the last six years have been effing horrible for me, and there is no indication that anything is getting better or will.

 

Every single time I believe that things are and will get better, life kicks me in head again twice as hard as before. I'm not going to be foolish enough to ignore the signs and the truth that's before me. And the truth is.... the best predictor of the future is the past.

[Craig]

Divorce, death, miscarriage, fiancé ran off, cancer, job loss, chronic disease, financial ruin and repeated abandonment by loved ones.

 

Call it whatever you want, but the last six years have been effing horrible for me, and there is no indication that anything is getting better or will.

 

Every single time I believe that things are and will get better, life kicks me in head again twice as hard as before. I'm not going to be foolish enough to ignore the signs and the truth that's before me. And the truth is.... the best predictor of the future is the past.

I don’t mean to be trite but your attitude does determine your experience. I am separated and soon to be divorced from what I thought was the woman of my dreams and that situation turned into a living nightmare. But I go on because I know that our of 6 or 7 billion people there are probably several hundred thousand women with whom I could have a great relationship with (only one though )

 

I look at death as part of life and that can include miscarriage too. Right now I’m involved in the decision making process for a critically ill loved one. Making life and death decisions in the last 18 hours—to let them go or try another medical procedure. It doesn’t affect me in a traumatic way because my attitude is one of accepting death as part of life. Sure I’d prefer that they don’t die but everyone does and acceptance of the inevitable goes a long way to finding peace.

 

Chronic illness sucks big time. I can hardly remember a time when I didn’t feel pain in my body and it started when I was very young but I go on. Sure I’ve had all the tests, hundreds in fact, full body scans that took 6 hours to complete that just show I’m as healthy as a horse and should not be feeling pain. Sometimes the pain is so bad that tears well up in my eyes and /or I’ll actually cry out in pain but I go on because I refuse to allow pain to affect my life. I’ve given up on ever not feeling pain and given up on doctors to help. Very few people know I have this pain because I don’t share it with people. I do physical things, I’m in great shape/condition and every time I exercise I feel pain but since there is no damage being done to my body I have adopted a “f*ck you” attitude towards the pain—no pain is going to stop me from living my life. It’s really no big deal for me but I can understand how some might not experience it that way.

 

Financially I’m doing good by most peoples standards and have freedoms in my life as a result that allow me to do what others only dream about doing but there were times when all I could afford were a few potatoes, skim milk powder, oatmeal and a couple chicken backs to sustain me. Let me tell you how much it sucks and hurts to be at the checkout stand with a bag of oatmeal, knowing that I’m paying for it with all the money I have while someone else in front of me is buying all this wonderful food and will have money left over when they leave the store. But I went on because I knew things would get better if I worked to make them better. Funny thing is the harder I work, the luckier I get. 

 

I’ve never experienced loved ones abandoning me but if that happened I’d say, “hey, there is a pattern here—how am I causing it?” Are these actual loved ones? What makes them loved ones? How am I contributing to what is happening? Are they actually abandoning me? Am I asking unreasonable things of them? I’d ask all of these questions.

 

If you are doing the same things over and over don’t be surprised when the same things happen over and over. Step back and take an honest look at your life, your reactions to events and how you are responsible for everything that you experience. If you can’t get an honest picture of yourself ask some others to give you honest feedback. If a couple of people say the same things they are probably correct or somewhat correct in their observations. Find someone that has the life you want and talk to them, find out what they do that is different than what you do, how to they view the world around them, what are their reactions to various events in their life and etc. Model your life after the lives of people that you want to be like but first make sure you know what their life is really like.

 

Regarding the past being the best predictor of the future my present is nothing at all like my past and I doubt that my future will be anything like my past or present.

[Outcast]

And the truth is.... the best predictor of the future is the past.

 

That's not at all true. The saying is 'the best predictor of future BEHAVIOUR is past BEHAVIOUR' and even that's not necessarily true. Every day is new and filled with possibility - there's no force on the planet that can possibly guarantee that tomorrow will be a repeat of today.

 

However, if you find yourself in a hole you can't get out of where you can't see anything but black in the future and you can't enjoy anything, then get yourself to a physician and describe your symptoms because you may have fallen into a case of clinical depression that needs treatment.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I don’t mean to be trite but your attitude does determine your experience.

 

Chronic illness sucks big time. I feel pain but since there is no damage being done to my body I have adopted a “f*ck you” attitude towards the pain—no pain is going to stop me from living my life. It’s really no big deal for me but I can understand how some might not experience it that way.

 

But I went on because I knew things would get better if I worked to make them better. Funny thing is the harder I work, the luckier I get. 

 

I’ve never experienced loved ones abandoning me but if that happened I’d say, “hey, there is a pattern here—how am I causing it?” Are these actual loved ones? What makes them loved ones? How am I contributing to what is happening? Are they actually abandoning me? Am I asking unreasonable things of them? I’d ask all of these questions.

 

If you are doing the same things over and over don’t be surprised when the same things happen over and over.

 

These statements just prove how clueless you really are.

 

My attitude did not have anything to do with me getting cancer or RA. My determination to get the medical help I needed to beat cancer did help, but in the process I went into financial ruin. --- which had NOTHING do with me not working hard enough. I have two years of college and make more than many graduate students...all due to my hard work. But have you ever tried to finance cancer treatment with lousy insurance? Some treatments aren't even covered! All throughout chemo I worked. Never stopped. I can't have a "f-you" attitude about RA, because it is a medically diagnosed, proven disease that will get worse as I age. That is a fact. It's also a fact that I am very likely to get cancer again. It's also a fact that people -- family and friends -- are very likely to become fairweather when illness strikes. Tell me this, Mr. Know-It-All....How the hell did I cause that? When a family member says, "We're here for you. Call us anytime you need anything.".....am I supposed to assume that when I call asking for a ride to the hospital that I am somehow out of line? That I caused their reaction of, "Doesn't the hospital have someone that can help you?" There are a lot of things in ones life that they can control, but I am really sick and tired of people like you who always want to point fingers at me and say that I must have done something to invite all of this.

[Outcast]

your attitude does determine your experience.

I don't believe there was any indication that you 'caused' your ailment. I don't see how that could possibly be inferred from that statement. I believe the reference is to how one deals with ailments and other misfortunes.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

This isn't about anyones attitude. This thread was started because someone felt they were dealt a terrible hand. I concurred with that, and of course, as usual I became the target of attack.

[WeaknPowerless]

This isn't about anyones attitude. This thread was started because someone felt they were dealt a terrible hand. I concurred with that, and of course, as usual I became the target of attack.

 

Well, I don't intend to attack you here. Quite the contrary. I read a lot of honesty and sincerity in what you write. I don't see it as complaining for the sake of complaining.

 

I also wasn't upset because of being dealt a bad hand per-say. It's more about how exhausting this junk all is when my brain knows what I should do but my heart tells me otherwise. I feel I lead my life a certain way with a certain amount of pride and dignity and intelligence, and it just felt like I could have done things to the letter and I still would of gotten screwed in this situation.

 

I'm no better then anyone, and my problems are far less worse then others. But all I can do is focus on myself at the moment, and it's tiring.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

I feel I lead my life a certain way with a certain amount of pride and dignity and intelligence, and it just felt like I could have done things to the letter and I still would of gotten screwed in this situation.

 

And I was trying to back you up on that. Sometimes it does all boil down to luck. Some people don't believe in that. But certainly all you need to do is look at poor, impoverished or sick and disabled children -- who were born into those situations -- to know that luck has an awful lot to do with what kind of a life you end up with. And sometimes disadvantaged people can work their tails off and still end up with the short end of the stick. And this happens to good, ordinary people every day. One can try to create their own happiness as much as they can, but it can be very challenging to do when faced with overwhelming challenges and obstacles when one is never cut a break from it.

[Craig]

These statements just prove how clueless you really are.

Good grief Jen how in the world am I supposed to know all the details by your general post above that stated:

 

Divorce, death, miscarriage, fiance ran off, cancer, job loss, chronic disease, financial ruin and repeated abandonment by loved ones.

 

My attitude did not have anything to do with me getting cancer or RA. My determination to get the medical help I needed to beat cancer did help, but in the process I went into financial ruin. --- which had NOTHING do with me not working hard enough. I have two years of college and make more than many graduate students...all due to my hard work. But have you ever tried to finance cancer treatment with lousy insurance? Some treatments aren't even covered! All throughout chemo I worked. Never stopped. I can't have a "f-you" attitude about RA, because it is a medically diagnosed, proven disease that will get worse as I age.

I didn't say or mean that your attitude had anything to do with you getting cancer or RA.

 

Jen, I never said that you caused your cancer or your RA and have no idea where you got that from. The only thing that I can think of that you may be referring to that I said was that "your attitude determines your experience." What that means is that your personal beliefs and feelings and values shape your emotional reaction to events within and around you.

 

Of course I had no idea that you had cancer because you didn't state that you did. I understand the financial burden of medical treatment and agree that it is a krappy thing to go into financial ruin to save ones life but it beats the alternative. I am assuming that getting the treatment you needed saved your life and if you look at it like it was hard and sh*tty but you're alive instead of dead maybe it won't seem so bad.

 

By RA, I assume you mean Rheumatoid Arthritis. I agree that RA sucks and it probably gets worse but you can have a "f-you" attitude about RA. You deal with the pain and other setbacks as they come and thank god that you're still able to feel pain. WTF is wrong with that? You play the cards you are given.

 

That is a fact. It's also a fact that I am very likely to get cancer again. It's also a fact that people -- family and friends -- are very likely to become fairweather when illness strikes. Tell me this, Mr. Know-It-All....How the hell did I cause that? When a family member says, "We're here for you. Call us anytime you need anything.".....am I supposed to assume that when I call asking for a ride to the hospital that I am somehow out of line? That I caused their reaction of, "Doesn't the hospital have someone that can help you?"

I'm not in the position to comment on you causing your cancer or RA--the fact is I don't know what causes those two diseases.

 

But I can tell you that other people have family and friends that are not fairweather that will drive them to the hospital and many other things. I can't tell you why you experience fairweather family and friends when some other people don't. You know your situation best so you need to figure it out if you want answers. Maybe it has something to do with communication skills because I don't think that I attacked you at all and you come back at me with what seems like a pretty angry post.

 

There are a lot of things in ones life that they can control, but I am really sick and tired of people like you who always want to point fingers at me and say that I must have done something to invite all of this.

If you're having a bad day I forgive you but if you are serious would you please show me where I said that you "must have done something to invite all of this" because that certainly wasn't my intention.

 

For the life of me I don't know how you think that I had you under attack, if you can shed some light on it for me I would appreciate it.

[Outcast]

A perfect example of somene assuming ill of someone else and, rather than asking whether what was understood was what was meant to be conveyed, leaping immediately into attack.

 

Be nice if people in general would avoid this particular sydrome, IMHO.

[jen_jen_heartbroken]

Craig, I am sorry. Really. Yes, I am having a very crappy day. I was feeling very sensitive about this issue when I read your post, and I inferred things in it that weren't there. This isn't an excuse, but I had just gotten off the phone with another vuture collection agency, followed by a phone call from my friend who wanted me to walk around the mall with her. I explained to her that I was having a flare-up and would be in too much pain to do a lot of walking today, but said I wanted to see her and could we go do dinner or a movie or something where I could sit. She told me to take an Advil and buck it up. Real effing supportive. This is about the same response I got from people when my hair was falling out from chemo.

[Craig]

Craig, I am sorry. Really. Yes, I am having a very crappy day. I was feeling very sensitive about this issue when I read your post, and I inferred things in it that weren't there. This isn't an excuse, but I had just gotten off the phone with another vuture collection agency, followed by a phone call from my friend who wanted me to walk around the mall with her. I explained to her that I was having a flare-up and would be in too much pain to do a lot of walking today, but said I wanted to see her and could we go do dinner or a movie or something where I could sit. She told me to take an Advil and buck it up. Real effing supportive. This is about the same response I got from people when my hair was falling out from chemo.

Jen, it's okay Sorry about all the crap today. Your friend just doesn't seem to get it when you told her about the pain you'd experience walking. Sometimes people just can't seem to understand how someone could feel so much pain just from walking around. Until they them self are in pain too and then all of the sudden they understand

 

There are people out there that do have compassion and empathy even though they aren't experiencing what you are. I would want you to have a couple of people like that in your life. Actually we all need people like that and sometimes more than others.

 

Take care,