brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 ML and I have known each other since December. So, here we are, just post Valentine's and everything's hunky dory and I really think that I could fall for him. Yep, despite the fact that at 5'5" he's a couple inches shorter than me. I can't remember the context, but in the course of conversation last night he said that he kisses one guy friend on the mouth, who's like family to him. I'm thinking, that's kind of weird, but ok. He said it's what he does with his dad, too. Just a peck. Do families usually do this? It's not something I'm really familiar with. In mine we hug and kiss on the cheek only. I figure ok, well, maybe his family's just affectionate that way. But then he said that he does this to his female friends too, and to me that's NOT ok. He said that it's just a "friendly peck" and not the kind of passionate lip-locking he'd do with me. I'm pretty reserved physically with guys, and if someone's a really good friend the most that I'll do is a light hug or kiss on the cheek. But that's it, I definitely don't kiss anyone on the mouth except the guy I'm seeing. I know that everyone has different ideas about acceptable boundaries when you're dating someone, and I'm trying to keep an open mind. Although this is a real struggle for me to deal with because I've gotten burned by guys whose female "friends" turned out to be more. We've been very clear about a mutual attraction, but we haven't discussed being exclusive. So, I don't know if expressing my discomfort about this is ok or not at this point. When he told me about this kissing deal on the phone last night I just got really quiet, 'cause I didn't know what to say. I started to feel panicky inside and had this overwhelming urge to run away. Today, I was feeling better and didn't bring it up at all when we spoke on the phone, but it's definitely on my mind. Um, this is really weirding me out. Help, please!
phyrespryte Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 First thought was Angelina Jolie kissing her brother. I don't think that family is normal at all! Is he from a different country? Maybe it's a cultural thing? Honestly I find it really bizarro and it would make me very uncomfortable...but I don't think I'd want to react too quickly. Anyways, am interested to see if anyone has been in a similar situation.
nicolette Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 People are strange! In my family, we never give "pecks" on the lips....just on the cheek. In my opinion, I couldn't date a guy who gives his female friends kisses on the lips...his male friends also for that matter. It is just too weird. How old is he...is he old enough where he is already set in his ways? If the oppurtunity comes up, ask him if he still gives these kisses even if he is in a relationship. Unless we are the weird ones...all these friends he kisses obviously do not back away from the pecks on the lips...I guess they don't think it's weird either?!
BeFree Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I think I would be more freaked out by him kissing the guy friend on the mouth vs. the female friends. You'll have to decide what you are ok with. I dated a guy who I thought did a few wierd things, I was able to over look them. Then one day he told me he thought my dog was SEXY. That was it for me, never saw or spoke to him again. Don't know if he kissed my dog on the lips!
cal gal Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 In our big family we always kiss each other hello and goodbye. Even our dear friends, yes both sexes (oops not men to men). They shake hands. It is not anything sexual - just a warm and happy greeting, Quick kiss on the mouth or cheek, with a light hug. No big deal, just habit.
konfuzd Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 That's a big red flag to me. I dated a musician who told me he kisses his female fans on the lips, just to give them something to get excited about, and "it makes them dig the band more".... I was ok when he told me this, but when I actually witnessed him get down on his knees and kiss a girl from the stage after one of his shows, while I was 5' away, it made my heart drop, and I broke up with him on the spot. I would talk to him about it. Just let him know it makes you uncomfortable, and you feel that is an intimate thing shared between partners. If he is unwilling to stop, either he's really not that into you, or there is something not right about it. Better to do it now before you get too attached.
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 People are strange! In my family, we never give "pecks" on the lips....just on the cheek. In my opinion, I couldn't date a guy who gives his female friends kisses on the lips...his male friends also for that matter. It is just too weird. Yeah, I'm starting to think twice about seeing him again. This is the first "red flag" I've seen so far. But since I haven't seen him around his friends, I figure I should hold off and wait a bit. How old is he...is he old enough where he is already set in his ways? If the oppurtunity comes up, ask him if he still gives these kisses even if he is in a relationship. He's 33 years old, I'm 24. So, we have a bit of an age difference. I don't really know how set he is in his ways, although I get the sense that he's not the kind of person who likes being "forced" to do or not do stuff. Of course, most people don't. But he's made it a point a few times to emphasize that he hates being told what to do and that it makes him resist more. So, I'm not really sure how to bring this up without making it sound like I'm being demanding. Unless we are the weird ones...all these friends he kisses obviously do not back away from the pecks on the lips...I guess they don't think it's weird either?! Maybe we ARE the weirds ones!
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 First thought was Angelina Jolie kissing her brother. I don't think that family is normal at all! Is he from a different country? Maybe it's a cultural thing? Honestly I find it really bizarro and it would make me very uncomfortable...but I don't think I'd want to react too quickly. Anyways, am interested to see if anyone has been in a similar situation. Well, Angelina's so pretty I figure she can afford to be as weird as she likes. ML was born in VA, raised in PA. All-American. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who's a little weirded out. And yeah, I'm still wondering how to handle it, so I haven't said anything yet.
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Then one day he told me he thought my dog was SEXY. That was it for me, never saw or spoke to him again. Do you think he had any idea why you broke up with him?
Milo Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Even French men kiss each other on the cheek...very briskly too, I might add. Hugs for men, no kissing fer chrissakes.
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 In our big family we always kiss each other hello and goodbye. Even our dear friends, yes both sexes (oops not men to men). They shake hands. It is not anything sexual - just a warm and happy greeting, Quick kiss on the mouth or cheek, with a light hug. No big deal, just habit. Yeah, I figure diffrent families operate differently, which is why I'm not too bothered by his pecking his dad or "like family" guy friend on the lips. But I'm still worrying about the female-friend-kiss-on-the-mouth thing. It's just that to me, kissing someone of the opposite sex on the mouth is pretty intimate, even if it's just a peck. Since you do it on a friendly level -- would you be annoyed if your SO mentioned that it bothered him/her? Would you stop it if you knew hwo your SO felt about it, or would you tell them to just "live with it"? How would you prefer that your SO approach the topic so that you don't get defensive or angry and resistant? I don't want to control him -- I don't check up on him everyday or demand to know who he hangs out with all the time. I know that he has close female friends and that's cool with me. We're still getting to know each other, and I'm willing to adjust. But I don't want my boundaries run over, either.
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 He said he's definitely hetero. Actually, I think that's how we got to the ksising topic. He said that he's definitely not interested in guys or ever tried it. And that he only pecks his guy buddy V on the lips because he's "like family." Oh c'mon, Monk, don't make me worry more than I have to!
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Sorry about the double post. How do I get rid of that? LS won't let me edit it out.
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 That's a big red flag to me. I dated a musician who told me he kisses his female fans on the lips, just to give them something to get excited about, and "it makes them dig the band more".... I was ok when he told me this, but when I actually witnessed him get down on his knees and kiss a girl from the stage after one of his shows, while I was 5' away, it made my heart drop, and I broke up with him on the spot. Ugh. That "heart dropping" feeling? That's what I felt when he mentioned it. Now it scares me to think what it would feel like if I were to actually SEE it. Was he upset when you left him over it? How come you didn't negotiate? Was he really set on not stopping? You think he enjoyed the extra female attention/affection and that's why he kept doing it? But why would he let that get in the way of your relationship? I would talk to him about it. Just let him know it makes you uncomfortable, and you feel that is an intimate thing shared between partners. If he is unwilling to stop, either he's really not that into you, or there is something not right about it. Better to do it now before you get too attached. I hear ya. It would really suck to be madly in love with him down the road and have this eating away at me. But how do I bring it up without sounding like an overbearing fishwife? It's such a delicate balance, trying to have your needs/boundaries respected, and being controlling.
Author brightskies Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Even French men kiss each other on the cheek...very briskly too, I might add. Hugs for men, no kissing fer chrissakes. Maybe you can convince him of that for me?
BeFree Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Not sure...he was watching my dog while I was working out of town. When he said he thought my dog was sexy....I paused and then once I got passed the initial shock I said "Please just put MAX in the back yard and I will pick him up when my flight lands." Poor Max, I wanted to rush home and save him but I couldn't. I wanted to tell the guy to hand Max the phone and the tell Max "Max, it's your mommy, I want you to go into the bathroom and lock the door. Mommy will save you as soon as she can." I still do not know what really happened. Max is in Heaven now, I still think about what that guy said.
D-Dan Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 I expect you're worrying for nothing. I'm a (currently single) man, but regardless of my status, I have some female friends that I kiss on the lips as an "Hello" or "Goodbye". There really is nothing in it. It's simply a different form of handshake. The quick peck doesn't compare, either by the experience or the emotional attachment to the more passionate kiss I reserve for more intimate moments. Stop worrying your relationship away. Take it for what it is - and what it is is nothing. If it was just one friend, then maybe that would be different, but you've plurazied the topic, so it's harmless.
monkey00 Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 sounds strange to me. not sure if this is some cultural thing. However for me, with females acquantances or whatever, the most i'll do is hug/ or cheek kiss. But i also have a good female friend (with benefit), we kiss and makeout...but that's a different story compared to yours.
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Not sure...he was watching my dog while I was working out of town. When he said he thought my dog was sexy....I paused and then once I got passed the initial shock I said "Please just put MAX in the back yard and I will pick him up when my flight lands." Poor Max, I wanted to rush home and save him but I couldn't. I wanted to tell the guy to hand Max the phone and the tell Max "Max, it's your mommy, I want you to go into the bathroom and lock the door. Mommy will save you as soon as she can." I still do not know what really happened. Max is in Heaven now, I still think about what that guy said. :laugh:
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 I expect you're worrying for nothing. I'm a (currently single) man, but regardless of my status, I have some female friends that I kiss on the lips as an "Hello" or "Goodbye". There really is nothing in it. It's simply a different form of handshake. The quick peck doesn't compare, either by the experience or the emotional attachment to the more passionate kiss I reserve for more intimate moments. Stop worrying your relationship away. Take it for what it is - and what it is is nothing. If it was just one friend, then maybe that would be different, but you've plurazied the topic, so it's harmless. Well, we ended up talking about it this evening -- because he asked me to be his girlfriend!!! Since we were in the "exclusivity negotiation" stage I brought up this kissing-friends-on-the-mouth to get it out of the way, and he clarified: he only pecks on the lips with family (i.e. his dad, mom, sister, and brother), and this couple V & D (who are married) because he considers them family, too. So D is the only female friend who gets the mouth peck, and he's known her for about a decade. He's been very straightforward with me all this time and after he explained it, I've decided that I shouldn't worry about it. It's still a little odd to me, but if that's how he operates with family I suppose it's something I'll have to accept. But if I ever catch him messing around, his ass is grass!
Author brightskies Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 sounds strange to me. not sure if this is some cultural thing. However for me, with females acquantances or whatever, the most i'll do is hug/ or cheek kiss. But i also have a good female friend (with benefit), we kiss and makeout...but that's a different story compared to yours. No, she's not a friend-with-benefits. D is a good friend of his from college and she's married, he insists that it's platonic. They've never dated. He said that he'd like me to meet her and her husband, and I sense that he's being honest and isn't hiding anything. As weird as this kissing thing is to me, I think I can trust him. Let's keep our fingers crossed.
Author brightskies Posted June 20, 2006 Author Posted June 20, 2006 He has since decided to stop this mouth kissing deal with his friends --- he stopped not long after this whole conversation started. Which is a huge relief. But the woman D is turning out to be a pain in the a**. Sigh.
phyrespryte Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 Glad to hear that he stopped doing that. Sorry about D. Is she bothered that he doesn't give her kisses anymore? I guess some women really need a lot of attention?
scrybe74 Posted June 20, 2006 Posted June 20, 2006 So give us the details about this woman "D". You haven't said much about her.
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