amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I think women and men can become friends but a guy should never, ever hang around after being rejected, hoping that a friendship will turn into more. I did this once when I was back in college and all it did was to get me heartbroken. To be there for a woman in her time of need and then to watch her reunite with the guy who should cried on your shoulder about...it's the lowest of the low. I knew that after that, if I wanted to be friends with someone, it had to be friendship in my mind. MrB, hate to say but you were warned about this. I would not be angry at her. I think she honestly thought you could handle just being friends, and I think she was hoping that she could continue to be friends without any kind of pressure. As far as I can tell she did nothing to suggest there was something between you two. Talking about sex in front of you is not suggestive of a sexual relationship between you two. Two guys can talk about sex - that doesn't mean they want to have sex with each other. I'm sorry but you have no right to be angry at her, and her not responding is probably understandable given that she now feels extremely awkward about exactly how to respond. I mean think about it - she's damned if she does and damned if she doesn't. If she responds with 'thanks' then you'll undoubtedly think 'Oh my, she's really interested now'....but she didn't do that so now she already knows you're angry at her. Either way, it's not a comfortable situation for her. I wouldn't be surprised if she simply ignores you from now on...this has probably become too difficult for her to manage. Dude, for future reference, you've got to learn to read signs of interest.
amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Wanted to add that I generally subscribe to Alphamale's philosophy when it comes to friends and lovers. I think that a man and woman can become friends after an unrequited love but it's damn difficult. I typically don't like to hang around as friends myself...if we later become friends that's one thing, but to hang around hoping 'they'll see the real you' is foolish. I think it's better to be straight up honest about what your intentions are from the get-go and separate women into the categories of romantic interest and platonic interest right away. I'll add one thing...from a guy's perspective, it might not be a bad thing to have a hot girl-friend or two. I mean, hot chicks usually hang around other hot chicks. Just don't confuse yourself over what you want.
Author noclobber Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Any decent woman would back off from you herself after having to reject you. The very idea of someone acting hurt when you back off after being rejecting is absurd. She is using you for the self-esteem boost she gets by having you at her beck and call if that is how she reacts. And that is the truth. Right on, Thanks Magda! When I backed out the very first time after being rejected by her she said "You are betraying me. As soon as you knew that I won't date you and be intimate with you, you are moving away". I felt guilty and fell for that crap... But I guess not this time...
mrB2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 amerikajin, Again, I don't want to go round and round with this....But....If a gal has no intentions of dating her guy friend, then she should A)Keep her hands off of the guy friend, no long hugs and no neckrubs and B)not talk about F***ing, period....No intitiating talk about sex, swinging, marriage, children, condoms, orgasms.....NO talk about previous sexual relationships....(Yes, this friend o mine liked to ask me about sex, and she enjoyed seeing me squirm in the car seat....) Maybe it would be ok to talk about that, IF the gal would not say that her guy friend has some of the qualities she looks for in a guy.... And it is not right to talk about these topics on a two thousand mile road trip with just the guy and the gal in the car.....and AFTER the guy gets shot down.....I would love to have seen how you would handled that I understood that after being shot down the first time we were just friends, but why in the hell would she continue with those topics if she knew that I still had feelings for her....If it was switched around, I guarantee you that I would never dream of bringing up oral sex or swinging to my 'just friends' friend...that would be kind of cruel....It got to the point where I wanted to yell: "Babe, pull the car over, let's f**k"......it was complete torture..... Your input is appreciated, but it is not quite accurate....Just my two cents... MrB
Author noclobber Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 amerikajin, Again, I don't want to go round and round with this....But....If a gal has no intentions of dating her guy friend, then she should A)Keep her hands off of the guy friend, no long hugs and no neckrubs and B)not talk about F***ing, period....No intitiating talk about sex, swinging, marriage, children, condoms, orgasms.....NO talk about previous sexual relationships....(Yes, this friend o mine liked to ask me about sex, and she enjoyed seeing me squirm in the car seat....) Maybe it would be ok to talk about that, IF the gal would not say that her guy friend has some of the qualities she looks for in a guy.... And it is not right to talk about these topics on a two thousand mile road trip with just the guy and the gal in the car.....and AFTER the guy gets shot down.....I would love to have seen how you would handled that I understood that after being shot down the first time we were just friends, but why in the hell would she continue with those topics if she knew that I still had feelings for her....If it was switched around, I guarantee you that I would never dream of bringing up oral sex or swinging to my 'just friends' friend...that would be kind of cruel....It got to the point where I wanted to yell: "Babe, pull the car over, let's f**k"......it was complete torture..... Your input is appreciated, but it is not quite accurate....Just my two cents... MrB MrB, I think your friend is really cruel from what I understand. You should have been rude and told it on her face that you don't like talking/discussing about sensitive topics with girls that are "only friends". I think she took advantage of your silence. Never let it happen again bro.
mrB2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 thanks Noclobber, I remember one day on our trip she initiated talk on the topic of previous relationships...I just kind of sat there...Whenever I get angry or really shy...I turn beet red....Well, I turned beet red...She smiled and said "Ok we'll move on.." ...I wish I had the balls to tell her no.... There is a lot of blame to go around. So, I am not going to blame her for my inaction..... But, again, this talk about marriage, sex, children, etc...it made me wonder, did she really like me? I remember that she told me that some of the sexual topics she had never discussed with anyone other than her two exbfs...(which she compared me to)....I was very confused to say the least.... mrB
Author noclobber Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 thanks Noclobber, I remember one day on our trip she initiated talk on the topic of previous relationships...I just kind of sat there...Whenever I get angry or really shy...I turn beet red....Well, I turned beet red...She smiled and said "Ok we'll move on.." ...I wish I had the balls to tell her no.... There is a lot of blame to go around. So, I am not going to blame her for my inaction..... But, again, this talk about marriage, sex, children, etc...it made me wonder, did she really like me? I remember that she told me that some of the sexual topics she had never discussed with anyone other than her two exbfs...(which she compared me to)....I was very confused to say the least.... mrB yeah... just let it go... as far as interest is concerned, the only time i really believe that a girl is interested in me is if she touches me.... anything other than that is bogus..
mrB2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Noclobber, really, enough about me.... Are there other gals out there who have caught your attention? mrB
Author noclobber Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Noclobber, really, enough about me.... Are there other gals out there who have caught your attention? mrB Well not really.... but there are 2 girls that i have been talking to off late.. and i know for sure that they WILL go out with me if i ask them out. i know that for sure!! but i am not going to ask them out.... my contract is getting over soon and so right now i am only focusing on job search. i don't want any other drama in my life.. i have also started to back away from my "crush"... just want to get my act together before i start dating again
amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 No, it's accurate. I predicted nothing would come of it and whaddya know, nothing came of it. You're just too frustrated to see that right now. And it is not right to talk about these topics on a two thousand mile road trip with just the guy and the gal in the car.....and AFTER the guy gets shot down.....I would love to have seen how you would handled that Look, if you can't handle stuff like this than just get away from her. Women may like a guy a lot, and may even have on some level a belief that he would be a good partner, but in the end you're looking for full-blown romantic attraction. You've got to know the difference between someone who has true romantic interest and someone who's just subconsciously feeding their ego. Truth to tell, I think either one of you could have avoided this situation by simply backing out of the relationship. You could have moved on, or she could have simply avoided you a long time ago. That might have been the most merciful thing to do here. I think you should simply write her a nice note telling her that you don't think it's in either of your interests to be friends anymore, that you enjoyed her friendship but that it's just too difficult for you to handle and that you feel like you need to move on. She will in all likelihood then try to come back and 'save face' and give you the 'I'm so sorry, I think we can be really good friends' crap but you need to stick to your guns. Do it politely and with class, but tell her it's time for you to move on. You're getting confused and you're getting your feelings hurt.
mrB2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 amerikajin, Out of all of your posts, I have to say I agree with you on this one.... Yes, I have thought about writing her a letter to her.... I now believe that she was just using me to feeding her ego....I mean I am a big boy...just tell me to get lost and I will do it.... Yes, unrequited love sucks! Thank you MrB
Author noclobber Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 amerikajin, Out of all of your posts, I have to say I agree with you on this one.... Yes, I have thought about writing her a letter to her.... I now believe that she was just using me to feeding her ego....I mean I am a big boy...just tell me to get lost and I will do it.... Yes, unrequited love sucks! Thank you MrB MrB, If you don't mind being her friend then don't break it off! If you guys are having fun there is no necessity to throw away the friendship. BUT if you feel that she is taking advantage of you then you may want to go ahead and say goodbye. Are you really sure that she is using you to feed her ego??? It's you that sent the V-day card, she didn't ask for it. It hurts to get rejected and anger blinds you from certain things. In my opinion your friend may have been cruel but I do not think she ever led you on. Talking about sex and kids and marriage is common among friends. Think rationally and then make a decision. You don't have to cut off the friendship. Keep it alive BUT don't be so close to her as you used to be. Move on and start dating other women. That's the best revenge!
Guest Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Noclobber, I know what you mean when you talk about putting everything in your life together....I think that before I date, I will try to put things in order within my own life...Hopefully, that will make things better for me and whoever I decide to date. Best of luck mrB
mrB2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Noclobber, Yes, I would still like to be friends...but everyone else here is right, I want something more...and it isn't going to happen....I have been praying that it would, but it just isn't in the cards.... I will be away from home for over two years....What if she finds someone back home? What if I find a nice gal overseas? I guess it just wasnt meant to be. Yes, it is common to talk about sex, marriage, and children...But I never was the one to intiate those conversations....And almost every 'date' we would have she would end up talking about those subjects or her ex bfs....I am serious, she would ALWAYS talk about those topics.. But to be honest with you, I am very confused. She has meant a lot to me. But I feel that I will not be able to move on with my life if I continue like this...Do you realize how silly I have been with this? I mean I have been hovering over my inbox like a crazyperson...like she really is going to write me, like she promised....I am not even on her mind at all.....that should be enough to pack up and move on... And yes, I did send that ecard....but the kicker is that she read it and didn't even acknowledge it.....It just leaves me wondering....... MrB
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Mr B you haven't been silly at all. Don't we all do stupid things when our hearts take over? Waiting anxiously by the phone/email/door - whatever... It is normal under your circumstances. You're not crazy! If she emails you back, wait a day, don't reply right away... I know you're wondering about that ecard, I don't understand why some just don't take 5 seconds to hit reply and say thanks! Unless they're quickly checking emails, then say I'll do it later...Then forget. But honestly, how often does one forget to write someone back? Try not to see so much negative in this, I mean she was special to you, you got alot of good from her - SO don't let this stuff ruin or tarnish what she meant to you.
Art_Critic Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 And yes, I did send that ecard....but the kicker is that she read it and didn't even acknowledge it.....It just leaves me wondering....... What exactly did you write in the e-card ?
Tenorman Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 "Yes, I have thought about writing her a letter to her...." Do you really want to give her more trophies of yourself? Forget it man and rip your balls back from her clasp. MOVE ON.
Walk Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Women, assume that a guy friend of yours expresses his feelings for you and you turn him down. What are you most likely to do after that? and How would you feel if the guy starts distancing himself from you after the rejection? I have just started to back-off from my OA in order to protect my own feelings. I am sure she is going to "feel betrayed" but I really don't care anymore... Valentine's day was the last straw... What does OA stand for? Other Adult? heh. Other Azz? Orally Artifical? Orifice Assualt? Sorry.. I think I had one to many beers. I had a couple guys who expressed interest in dating me, and I turned them down. But I pulled way back from them after that. I wasn't trying to be mean or anything.. but it was awkward and I didn't want them to think I really wanted more when I didn't. That's why I don't understand this girl you're talking about. She just pulled you in harder afterward instead of allowing that space and time you needed. She probably will feel betrayed, but she did it to herself. You asked for what you needed, you've been up front and honest with her during the entire friendship, and you've never played games with her. She's the one that's mislead, and given conflicting signals. I'm trying to think how I would feel if one of my guy friends I really liked started distancing himself (or ended the friendship) because I wouldn't date him... hmmm... I'd feel guilty for making him feel bad (rejected). I would think I probably hurt him and that's why he was distancing himself. I'd miss the friendship, and his company. Feel sad for the loss of that. And depending on how long I'd had the friend, or how close we had been, I think I might feel a little angry. But really only about the fact that life is complicated, and not so much at him. Maybe a little that it ruined the friendship, but I think I could logic out that no one can control their feelings for someone else. They happen, and it wouldn't be his fault. So all in all, I'm not seeing where I'd feel betrayed if a guy friend I rejected ended the friendship with me. I don't have many friends and I like to keep the ones I have, but one very dear, close friend and I agreed to stop being friends because he realized he felt more then friendship for me and he had a gf. I haven't spoken to him in 2 years now. I didn't get angry at him that we couldn't be friends anymore. He made a wise decision and had the strength and fortitude to stick to it. I admire him for that. Even if I have to do that from afar now.
Author noclobber Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 MrB If she is having such a huge impact then I would say that you got to say goodbye and move on... No other way out. You got to put yourself first and protect your feelings. Her feelings shudn't matter to you any more.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Orifice Assualt? Now that is funny! I'm sitting here laughing now.
whichwayisup Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Her feelings shudn't matter to you any more. Her feelings shouldn't matter, but I bet they do to him still right now. Either way he deserves some sort of reply back from her, considering their friendship. To have some sort of closure just as to why.
mrB2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 ArtCritic: The ecard was your run-of-the-mill 'classic' valentine...It didn't have any 'I love you' or anything romantic....the music was kind of sappy, but not too bad....Inside, I had a little silly poem. I had a lot of help writing the poem. The poem was silly, yet had some emotional punch to it....I personally thought it was a great poem.... I wouldn't think that she would be ticked off by it... Whichwayisup: Thank you for your words....I will give it some more time...She really is someone special in my life....I don't want to give up being friends with her yet...but how I am to move on when I constantly think about her? Man, am I ever confused! Tenorman: Thank you for being so blunt! MrB:confused:
Author noclobber Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 ArtCritic: The ecard was your run-of-the-mill 'classic' valentine...It didn't have any 'I love you' or anything romantic....the music was kind of sappy, but not too bad....Inside, I had a little silly poem. I had a lot of help writing the poem. The poem was silly, yet had some emotional punch to it....I personally thought it was a great poem.... I wouldn't think that she would be ticked off by it... That's it... its right there! You sent her a card on Valentine's day with a poem. That's why she is not replying MrB.
mrB2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Noclobber, The poem was silly, it wasn't one you would find in a 'romantic' valentine....It didn't tell her how much I loved her....It was a whimsical little poem that had some emotional punch.... mrB
Walk Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I hate to admit it, but I am one of those people who never replies to e-cards. I hate the things. It's probably not right of me, but I feel like if someone really cared they'd either make me a card, or buy me one and hand it, deliver it, to me. To me e-cards are hit a button, done. I guess I view them like junk mail. I just didn't reply at all and people finally stopped sending them to me. In hindsight, and after reading your views on people not responding, that was pretty cruel of me to do. Not nice. Mr.B: How could she respond to your card and not have you read more into it? If she says thiank you it was really thoughtful.. You'll probably think you attempt to get her to see how great you are is working and try harder. If she says don't send me those, you'll be hurt. If she doesn't respond, you'll be hurt. If she does respond, you either be hurt or think she's interested. Unless you said something like.. "To my platonic friend, with whom I have no interest in having sex with ever. May you meet your prince charming today, and get shagged really good."
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