kpin124 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 hello i was kind of wondering if your married om/ow ever talk about there spouse to you?? my om doesn't really say much about his wife..... what little i know i have dug up myself..... i don't think he has ever used her name when talking about her it is always she or her..... well anyway i was just wondering what some of your experiences where with this. personally i would kind of like to know a little more about her and i really want to know what she looks like..... is that crazy of me??
scarletletter Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 In my situation he very rarely speaks of his wife and when he does it is with frustration. He doesn't like to talk about her because it brings him down so I don't ask and he doesn't tell. Every now and then I will ask something and he will answer honestly, but we both try not to bring the subject up. There is no love there and he is in a bad situation....but then again, so is she. I try to never talk negative about her even though the only things I know about her is what he has told me....all bad except for that she is a good mother and a good sister. I just figure the less I know the better off I am.
BUTAFLY Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 These men are living 2 seperate lives. bringing up their home life will bring up feelings of guilt/shame and then they will have to do something about those feelings(which they don't want to do.) the point is to have their cake and eat it too. By not talking about their wifes allows them to surpress any ill feelings and live a fantacy. When/If they do talk about their wives/husbands it will only be in negative light(which most likelynot the truth) to justify their actions.
erika2610 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 These men are living 2 seperate lives. bringing up their home life will bring up feelings of guilt/shame and then they will have to do something about those feelings(which they don't want to do.) the point is to have their cake and eat it too. By not talking about their wifes allows them to surpress any ill feelings and live a fantacy. When/If they do talk about their wives/husbands it will only be in negative light(which most likelynot the truth) to justify their actions. That's the thing though.. most MM have no guilt or shame.
scarletletter Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I agree with that Butafly. They are living a fantasy and they don't want the reality of "homelife" to interfere. Some hate their homelives so badly but are too much of a coward to do anything about it....so they just don't talk about it in hopes that it will just "go away" for a while.
Owl Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I don't completely agree. From what I've seen, it's more likely that the MM is lying to BOTH of the women in his life. He's lying to his wife about what's going on with the OW. "She's just a friend." "You have nothing to be jealous of!" "I don't understand why you're making a big deal over nothing!" Even if he's NOT told her anything, he's lying to her by omission. And I'm not limiting this to MM...this applies to the MW as well. At the same time, in almost every single case he's exaggerating the negatives in his homelife to his OW. As a matter of fact, he's probably even believing his own lies most of the time as well. On the MB website, they call this "re-writing marital history". The WS (wayward spouse) begins to re-write their own memories of their R with their spouse in a FAR more negative light than what it really was. It's something of a mental mechanism to justify what they are doing wrong, even to themselves. I saw this clearly with my wife when she was involved in HER affair. She told our MC (and she repeatedly told OM) that she's "been unhappy for YEARS!" "I haven't been "in love" with my husband in YEARS!" "My family hasn't done anything for me in a long, long time. They don't do anything to show that they love me, or to try to make me feel loved or appreciated." And...SHE BELIEVED ALL OF THIS HERSELF!!! Now...the reality was something quite a bit different. She'd been unhappy for about a year...since she'd lost her job and stopped being treated for depression. She'd spiraled into online gaming, left the entire family behind, was staying up logging over 16+ hours a day straight at the computer. No one could drag her off the computer...the kids and I tried DESPERATELY. I tried everything I could possibly think of to work things out with her, to no avail. Then she turned to OM online...and the affair was off and running. Interestingly enough, it was amazing to watch how her perceptions changed over the year we were in MC after the affair. It went from being "Years and years of unhappiness" down to "the past couple of years"...and finally down to what I knew to be true...the last year or so. Of course anyone involved in an affair, and truly recognizing what they're doing is wrong, is going to paint (even in their own minds) the most negative situation that they can (within certain bounds of course) of their marriage. Can you honestly imagine very many MM running around telling the OW "Oh, my marriage is fine honey...I'm just looking for a little and you're convenient!". Can't see a R being started on a line like that very well, can you? Now, sometimes they can get away with just IMPLYING that things are bad at home, without saying it. And sometimes they've got to generate horror stories so that they can justify what they're doing. But remember this...SOMETHING has kept them married to this person all these years. SOMETHING drew them together in the first place, and even kept them together through all the tough times of dealing with kids and everything else. If that wasn't truly the case...they would have long left their spouse BEFORE starting an affair with someone else. Yes, an affair does indicate that there are issues that need to be addressed in the marriage...but the affair is often the greater source of damage to the marriage more than anything else. I apologize if I offend anyone with this post. I realize that this is the OW/OM forum, and I do not mean to antagonize or offend. Simply putting down what I know and have seen myself.
KnowHowLoveFeels Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 OWL, you are so wise as always. I really appreciate what you have written, as I have the same questions regarding my MM myself. I wonder if I am suffereing from what your W was suffering from then! I don't remember when was the last time that I loved my H....
aklost101 Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 MM refered to his wife in neither a positive nor negative light. never by her name, only "my kids' mother", except the ONE and only ONE time, he said "my wife.... blah blah blah" he prefaced that by asking if i minded him being blunt. i wanted desparately to know about her and went so far as to internet search her. crazy, i know. he never told me her name, but i found out all kinds of things with the (free) power of the internet. yes, i am a sick-o, feel free to flame. anyway, to get to your point. yes it's crazy, but i know where you're coming from and i think it's ok to want to know about his "other life"; after all you love hiim, and everything about him,yes?
Allegrokw Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 My MM has been very open about his marriage. He has never told me that things were bad at home. He has always said that he has just never experienced life like he does with me. His W is not a bad person. I knew her briefly before they got separated. She was distant and somewhat cold, but not bad. It was very hard for me to connect to her, and she stayed on the fringe of social gatherings. My MM is full of life at 61. Wants desparately to experience all of the things that I do. This is what has kept us together for 3 years. And, now that we are apart, I think that he realizes even more that the marriage worked as a partnership (business, raising the kids, then grandkids and true friendship), but no passion, and no real compatibility. She is very different from him. But, he never knew it until we got together. Because he was so settled into a life that was kind of "cookie cutter", but dull. He talks about her a lot. Or, should I say "did". I broke it off after 3 years because the D didn't happen. He still doesn't live with her. Now, he is alone, and so is she and I. I imagine from what I've been told that she really is "stuck", like he is, in a paradigm of what marriage is supposed to be. Married, kids, grandkids, old age - never really exploring what really makes one tick. They have separated everything but the finances, but are still drawn to holidays, what society expects, and guilt. I find it very sad, but don't think the journey ends for any of us. It is just a hard place to be.
Guest Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 My MM does talk about his wife....quite often actually. I don't have an issue with it. I know all about her and have met her quite a few times. He's not going to leave her, I've known that from the start.... we just have a different and fun relationship that we both enjoy together. That is the extent of it. I am in love with him but know that he will never be just mine.
CeeJayXXX Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 My MM speaks of his wife frequently...... He tells me about their days and evenings together...THe special things they do together or what they talk about. We have the openess of a "best friend" relationship and the intimacy of the affair part. I dont have an issues with hearing about W... I have no resentment or jealousy etc.... We made a decision from the start that our affair was ours and it wouldnt be pushed that we leave our existing partners. Its not even a question that would ever surface. Neither of us are "unhappy" with our marriages...we are just missing something...Our marriages are "routined" whereas the affair is spontaneous and has no every day issues like bills and household chores.
Author kpin124 Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 i wanted desparately to know about her and went so far as to internet search her. crazy, i know. he never told me her name, but i found out all kinds of things with the (free) power of the internet. yes, i am a sick-o, feel free to flame. anyway, to get to your point. yes it's crazy, but i know where you're coming from and i think it's ok to want to know about his "other life"; after all you love hiim, and everything about him,yes? I have done the same thing with the internet search...... i know i know crazy but i just wanted to know her name or something about her anything.... i have found out some info i don't even think that he knows that i know her name.... he always says "she or her" now he will openly talk about his kids with me he tells me what they do together him and the kids.... its almost like he is a single parent because just the other day he said that he wanted to take the kids to florida for spring break now if i would have we want to take the kids ........... you know what i mean i don't know it is just kind of weird i know that i talk openly about my h and child with him i don't use my h name but i do say my husband.... now to say that i love him i am not for sure that is a very strong word and i haven't really decided yet if i want to go that far.... but yes i do love everything about him! what about a picture have any of you ever seen a picture of your om/ow spouse?? i am really wondering about that i know some of you actually know the spouse but if you don't know them do you at least know what they look like ?? i am really wondering that
lolax Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 hello my mm does not talk about his wife that often....but when he does he calls her by her name. i know a lot about her life but i have never asked anything for myself! dont really want to know, he sort of told me what she looks like.....but i must admitt i was very curious. he will say.....she is pretty......but fat.......and i just dont fancy her anymore ! well i have seen her....i know thats bad....but i had to could not help it , the oppotunity was there so i took it! glad i saw her....complete opposite to me , very large ,very plain. and believe me it made me feel so much better. he has no idea that i have seen her..none whatsoever, and he never will. sometimes i do feel sorry for her, but what can i do if there marriage was good, then i would not be in his life.
scarletletter Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I saw an engagement picture in their house when I went over one time when she was out of town. Of course that was 20 years ago so I thought she was attractive. I saw a recent picture of her on the internet (yes, I was looking too girls) and she is for sure not the girl she was 20 years ago. She is decent looking but by far not pretty. She is nothing special to look at and if you were to see her on the street you wouldn't give her a second look. Very plain and dresses very frumpy. I felt better after I saw the picture and knew that she was not perfect looking. I know I shouldn't feel that way but I'm just being honest. She's not great looking, hates sex and dislikes her husband, doesn't work and is very overweight...that has to make anyone feel better.
Marielle Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 I know some about her, pic included! I feel bad for saying this but I felt sooooooooo reasured when I saw it , she is really ugly!!! At the same time I am considered very attractive, which sometimes makes me feel awkward (does he have real feelings for me???? ) but I know he loves me to death!!! Anyway for all of those who have done searches on the net, how do you do that??? What kind of search, I still want to know about her, I am really jealous and curious
newbby Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 my exmm used to talk about his wife constantly, mostly derogatory, but not always. i used to find myself defending her when he spoke ill of her, which must have just seemed wierd. most probably i was just trying too hard to counter the expectation that i would cuss her, and that i sometimes felt jealous of her. its just such a bad situation, that you find all your insecurities come to the surface.
Author kpin124 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 ok for those of you that have seen pics or those of you that do know more info about your mm spouse .... did you ask for more info or did he just offer?? i would really like to ask him but am scared that he will think i am weird or something like that..... its not like i am going to go hunt her down i live 3 hours away..... i just want to know more about her so how should i bring it up anyone have any suggestions?? Thanks everyone
CeeJayXXX Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 My MM and I speak of his wife often.....I don't see it as a bad thing (she is a huge part of his life and who he is). If you have a very open relationship to speak whats on your mind to each other I would just say, "We are really close and I want to know you like I know me...will you tell me about what your past life before me was like?" I think that may open a door for your discussions. Or ask what does his daily routine consist of or where does he go (or has went on vacation)....dont ask all those questions (it will sound like your a serial stalker.....but I think it will open the commincation line to what you are looking for.
Author kpin124 Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Thanks i think i will try something like that..... he has talked to me about vacation before and always talks about his kids.... he just always leaves her out of the conversation its almost like he doesn't want to talk about her.... part of me wants to know a little more about her in case she finds out about us i would like to know what i am dealing with..... i think that is a little bit why i want to see a picture of her that way if some stragne woman shows up on my doorstep some day i would at least know who she was... you think that is stupid???
otherlover Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 yea im in a pretty sick position...i see my mm wife almost everyday because she comes in to see him at work i think i have the worst situation here sorry to say but i really do. Its hard enough to think about him going home to her but to actually see them together is really really hard. Its almost like seeing your man cheating on you but really...hes cheating on her. Its a hard situation and he tells me all the time that he hates having me see her. Most affairs like you guys have never see the wife..and let me tell you this...dont ever try to see her. Yea you have couriousity but once you have seen her....you can picture them together and thats so hard believe me. Another sick part is yea ill admit i am more attractive then her and we do talk about them as a couple and her..and what they do together. From what he tells me and what i have seen..their marriage is more like a business they run. They take care of the kid and pay the bills..there is no passion. Thats what i fill in his life. He said that they are more friends then lovers.
Author kpin124 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 i still want to see a picture of her just so i know what she looks like..... i don't think it will make me imagine them in bed together because they don't even sleep in the same room..... i am just affraid to ask him i don't want him to think i am a stalker.... you know if she found out about us i bet she would want to see what i looked like.... i think i would want to know....
scarletletter Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Yesterday when I saw MM we were talking about everything and he was talking about his W, not really bad, but just talking. Even though I had already seen a picture of her (he does not know that I saw it) I asked him, "what does she look like?" I wanted to see if he would tell me the truth. He described her to a "T"...perfectly. He said that she has not aged well and she does look way older than she is. He described exactly what I saw in the picture so he was honest about that instead of telling me a bunch of lies about her. I told him that I was just curious and he said that he didn't mind me asking, he would tell me anything that I wanted to know. I really didn't want to know anything else.
TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 Can you honestly imagine very many MM running around telling the OW "Oh, my marriage is fine honey...I'm just looking for a little and you're convenient!". Can't see a R being started on a line like that very well, can you? i think this all the time. it comes down to people's willing suspension of disbelief.
Sami_D Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 MM doesn't tell me much about his W, but then I've never asked. Yes, I'm curious in a way, but I don't think it's any of my business... I don't want to feel like it's a her vs. me situation. The less I know about her the better, because I will just obsess about perhaps him preferring her to me in some ways or something. So no... I don't know anything and I don't want to know anything about her. The only think I'm interested in, and the only thing he's talked about, is his feelings for her. Right at the beginning when we met online we chatted about his marriage a lot. He said he was still hopeful things would work out with her, but that she always blocked any intimate conversation with him. That the only times they talk in depth it's about parenting issues. But right at the beginning he was still sad and hopeful that they could get back to being close. Within 4 months of our chatting he decided that he needed to work on his marriage for the sake of the kids. We didn't chat for another few months after that. (at this point we were still just internet 'friends'). Over the almost 2 years I've known him I've seen that hope in him that she would want to be close to him again evaporate. Of course I don't know her perspective. Quite possibly she feels the same... I've told him that many, many times since I've known him. But while at first he almost believed it, now he doesn't care. He was already sick of trying, sick of approaching her and getting rebuffed 2 years ago. Now he says he won't try again. This is one reason I'm nervous about when/if? he tells her he wants a separation... will she then realise how bad it is, and suggest they try one last time? How would he react to that..? I've mentioned this to him a few times too. He says that he can't think of a single thing she could say or do that will change his mind about wanting a separation. But, when it comes to it... will that really be true..? Anyway. That's all I know about her. She's dedicated to her family, and her children. And they're very far apart emotionally.
CeeJayXXX Posted February 23, 2006 Posted February 23, 2006 yea im in a pretty sick position...i see my mm wife almost everyday because she comes in to see him at work i think i have the worst situation here sorry to say but i really do. Its hard enough to think about him going home to her but to actually see them together is really really hard. Its almost like seeing your man cheating on you but really...hes cheating on her. Its a hard situation and he tells me all the time that he hates having me see her. Most affairs like you guys have never see the wife..and let me tell you this...dont ever try to see her. Yea you have couriousity but once you have seen her....you can picture them together and thats so hard believe me. Another sick part is yea ill admit i am more attractive then her and we do talk about them as a couple and her..and what they do together. From what he tells me and what i have seen..their marriage is more like a business they run. They take care of the kid and pay the bills..there is no passion. Thats what i fill in his life. He said that they are more friends then lovers. I don't think you are in a "sick" position per say.....I am in the same situation as you....I see W very very often (almost daily). I just chalk it up to "it comes with the territory".... I agree with you completely that if you don't have to see W, don't go looking. If that is a part of his life he is not willing to share, don't try to go there. I grit my teeth in saying this to you but W obviously cares if she is coming in to see him regularly.....I'm sure you just cringe seeing her walk through the door, although she could be a very nice person. I believe as men get into routine in their daily lives a lot is left at the door step (once the kids come along etc.) I think they long to feel young again and having an affair is what does it. (Not trying to justify.)
Recommended Posts