Busy Busy Busy

[sneakygurl]

I have asked for help for several different aspects of my realtionship before, but today I have come to terms with my life... I am in love with a workaholic and a newly divorced (2 years) man.

 

My boyfriend and I live together (this is a cry out to the cohabitation side of this forum) and have been dating for about 2 years. Previous to our relationship he was married for 11 years and had 2 kids. They separated for a year and then we met and began dating soon after his divorce.

 

My boyfriend works 60 hours overtime for his primary job so he can pay child support, which in reality makes the house payment for his ex-wife. For the most part I find this admireable because he wants his kids to live in a nice neighborhood and not have to worry aobut money. However this forces him to basically be a work horse and usually means that the time we have together is limited to when he comes home from seeing his kids (which he does 3-4 times a week) after work and he is tired and worn out.

 

In no way would I ever take anything away from his kids. That's the reason I fell in love with him. A man that takes care of his kids is the caring person I want. I feel that since we've left the "honeymoon stage" he has become depressed with the way his life has played out and he is always desperately trying to recapture his youth or have a good time. He was married at 20 and never went to college- I can see where he would feel he missed out on a lot. So lately he has become a security staff/bouncer at a local music venue. He loves music and rarely has the money to see shows, so he thought this would make him happy. I hate this because now we see each other even less, he sees his kids less, and he is working more (not to mention the sheer amount of drunk bi*ches that try to use him to get back stage.

 

I struggle with being supportive and interfering too much with his life. I know he is stressed, but he's also stressed about having fun. It's a pretty vicious cylce, he drinks a lot because he says it relaxes him, but I'm worried for him. I really want to support him and give him positive reinforcement, but like I said I struggle with that fine line of support and me telling him how he shoudl live his life. Is there a way to help him without him feeling like I"m a control freak? I have suggesgted counseling but he's not ready to admit he needs it. I don't love him any less for this situation, but seeing him in denial stresses me out. What can I do to help him?

[jmargel]

Personally I think you need to have a heart to heart talk with him and find out what he really wants in life. His drinking/bouncing is just a temporary thing to help him cope with his burdens. Actually the drinking will make it worse. Is his ex-wife working? Are you working? Stress can often put a relationship into turmoil.

 

You also need to both take one night a week and make it a 'date-night'. Where it's just you two going out, having fun. All work & no play will ruin the magic you two had together.

 

Does he take you with when he sees his children? I believe at this point it would be a benefit that his children knew you more initmately.

[sneakygurl]

I was beginning to think I wasn't going to get a reply! Thank you for your comments.

 

We have had several heart to hearts, some very good where we realize there is a lot of love in the relationship and some become escalated and he says he's tired of fighting. I've been resistant to bring it up for some time because while I don't think that I am fighting, I think his pride is hurt and he feels I"m being confrontational. His ex-wife does work, and I work as well. We do not mingle our paychecks so we both exercise sole rights to how we spend our money. The ex is a difficult subject to talk about, because I can only see if from how hard my boyfriend works. I realize she has the responsibilty of raising the kids, but she is also frivolous with the money and I think takes it for granted that she lives in this great house. She got a boob job too. Just had to throw that jab in there. He realizes that he probably gives her too much money but from his point of view he wants a cordial divorce and he has expressed that he needs her happy because she's taking care of the kids. I understand this but I do think the fresh divorce is still playing with their minds. I wish she would get a boyfriend, and that he would have kids and an ex-wife. That'd be great. I wish her all the happiness in the world so long as she doesn't cause my boyfriend more problems.

 

He is a very good man. He gets so wrapped up in to what he has to do day by day that it's tough to pin him down for a once a week commitment. If 2 weeks go by and we haven't hung out, he'll make a point of taking me out. I don't feel neglected in the relationship too much because I know it's unintentional and things will hopefully get better as his kids become more independent. (They will both be teenagers soon)

 

I go with him to see his children about once a week. We have gotten to be good friends and I look forward for them to get older. I feel they will confide in me and ask me questions as an older sister or younger aunt (if that makes sense). I have never tried to disipline them or scold them. I am really lucky they are good girls, becase they could make it harder.

 

All in all I have it pretty good, but I am worried for him. I think for the past eyar I have had to grow to accept his actions or behaviors as ways for him to cope but at first I took it very personally. I thought he wanted to spend less time with me. I realize what a special guy I have. I'm not trying to perfect him, I merely think he needs to talk to someone.

 

Do you think the alcohol/ bouncer thing will be a phase?

[Mz. Pixie]

I realize she has the responsibilty of raising the kids, but she is also frivolous with the money and I think takes it for granted that she lives in this great house. She got a boob job too. Just had to throw that jab in there. He realizes that he probably gives her too much money but from his point of view he wants a cordial divorce and he has expressed that he needs her happy because she's taking care of the kids. I understand this but I do think the fresh divorce is still playing with their minds. I wish she would get a boyfriend, and that he would have kids and an ex-wife. That'd be great. I wish her all the happiness in the world so long as she doesn't cause my boyfriend more problems.

 

He is a very good man. He gets so wrapped up in to what he has to do day by day that it's tough to pin him down for a once a week commitment. If 2 weeks go by and we haven't hung out, he'll make a point of taking me out. I don't feel neglected in the relationship too much because I know it's unintentional and things will hopefully get better as his kids become more independent. (They will both be teenagers soon)

 

I go with him to see his children about once a week.

 

First of all, the fact that you think she's frivolous with money is your perception. Raising children is expensive these days- and to be blunt, you have no idea really what it takes to raise them, since you guys only have them on a limited basis. I know, I have two and I've done the single mom thing. Getting the boob job, yeah, it must be nice to have that kind of money to spend on something like that when you're a single mom. Yet, the house payment is taking care of the kids. When you're involved with a man who has children from a prior marriage unfortunately you get alot of baggage.

 

He only pays her what he was asked to in the divorce settlement, correct? Why did they divorce? Who wanted it first- her or him?

 

Am I to understand that he goes over there and visits them rather than having one on one time with them at his home?? Why can't he have them overnight? Why does he have to visit them at her house??

 

I think you seem very supportive however there are a few things that you need to consider. The drinking, yes, is a problem. The being at those music venues?? That's yet another problem.

 

Seems as if he spends an awful amount of time away from home.

 

Coming from my perspective my husband was a busy guy when we met. He worked two, really three jobs because he's a coach and he had partial custody of his son. He still made time for us to have one on one time. When he wasn't with his son or working, he wanted to be with me. Sure, there were a few nights he would go out with his buddies and that was fine with me, but he wanted to be with me every chance that he could. In my opinion, a man puts his time where his heart is, and I can definitely tell he puts his heart into our relationship- because of the way he fit me into his schedule.

 

One question is what exactly are you getting out of this relationship?? It seems to me he spends an awful amount of time away from home- between work and seeing his kids. Don't get me wrong, he should see his kids and I'm not saying he shouldn't- but could he not incorporate you into it more or have them over there?? Also, not only does he do this, he also has this music gig that keeps him away from home. When exactly do you guys get to be together? What does he do that meets your needs? When do you guys have time for sex or seeing a movie? Does he contribute at all to the household budget, or chores??

 

I'm not saying he's not a great guy, but you want to be careful of getting yourself into the box of being the rebound girl. You know, he doesn't want to be alone, but really has no time or desire for a real relationship nor any clue about how to sustain one. Perhaps he just needs something where he can put minimal effort into it and that person still be there?

 

The question is, how long are you willing to put up with all of this??

[sneakygurl]

He provides a lot of what I need in a relationship. He is very supportive, very down-to-earth and he can be very loving.

 

I know there are problems in the relationship that I can't solve, such as his finances, or his guilt about not seeing his kids enough. I just wonder is this something that I really focus on helping him solve, or is this something that I have to release control of it to him.

 

It isn't a matter of if I'm leaving or staying. I'm staying and I'm willing to put up with it unless he's going to be intent to hurt himself, adn I don't think it's at this point, I just don't believe you have to hit rock bottom to improve yourself.

 

And I never meant to offend Mz. Pixie with the "frivolous" comment about the ex-wife. You don't know her, I do. I'm not lashing out amongsth single mom's and I'm not going to list what she does/buy with my boyfriend's money because that isn't the point. I was just trying to paint a picture, but like I said, I know her and she is frivolous.

 

Anyway, I wrote this post thinking about families and what happens when you have a kid or parent or friend that is getting by on a dangerously thin line. Why does it have to be different for a spouse/ partner? Why should I take it personally and have to "put up with it". I want to help, just as anyone would want to help out family. Breaking up with him wouldn't help my concern....

[Mz. Pixie]

I definitely never said you had to "put up with it" but I'm not sure how you think you can help?

 

He drinks too much and spends alot of time away from home, in addition to his issues with spending time with his kids.

 

That's alot to put up with.

[sneakygurl]

Well that's kinda' my question.

 

You say you're a mom of 2, right? Well hypothetically let's say one of your kids turns out like my boyfriend or marries someone like him. A good, strong person with a definite sense of responsibility, but seems to be stressed out all of the time and has started to look physically tired. Woudl you say something? And even if you did say something and he got irritated would you continue, feeling if you didn't that you were enabling the trainwreck? Or would you let him make his own decisions and be there if it falls apart?

[Mz. Pixie]

Well that's kinda' my question.

 

You say you're a mom of 2, right? Well hypothetically let's say one of your kids turns out like my boyfriend or marries someone like him. A good, strong person with a definite sense of responsibility, but seems to be stressed out all of the time and has started to look physically tired. Woudl you say something? And even if you did say something and he got irritated would you continue, feeling if you didn't that you were enabling the trainwreck? Or would you let him make his own decisions and be there if it falls apart?

 

I'm a bio mom of two but I have a stepson as well.

 

Yes, you should say something. You guys live together?? You guys are in a committed relationship.

 

You never answered my question regarding a child support arrangment or visitation schedule?

 

I think the first place to start would be that. He needs to be able to have visitation at his home. Unless he abusive, no reason not to. Then, he needs to pay what he was ordered by the court period.

 

Encourage him to take better care of himself as well. Just tell him you're worried about him and wished that he wasn't so stressed out. Try to take some household pressure off of him- pick up his cleaning- cut the grass. Make sure he has dinner when he comes home from work.

 

If you were my daughter, my concern would be about you getting your needs met inside this relationship and the fact that he spends a substantial amount of time with his ex wife and children respectively.

[RecordProducer]

A man that takes care of his kids is the caring person I want.

I think you should find someone who will take care of your kids, not his with another woman. You have a tired and drunk man at home that never has time or energy for you.

 

What can I do to help him?

I think YOU need help more than him. I understand that you love him, but you're drowning along with him... and you don't have to!

 

Just ask yourself: can I/will I ever be happy with this man, given his personality and way of life?

[Kenyth]

As a divorced man now in another marriage, I've got some pointers for him.

 

You can't do it all, and you have to let it go. Wanting to keep his ex, and his guilt pacified, is detrimental to his own life. He has to put his new family first. Many women may cry foul at this thought.

 

Think of it this way. If the father has it so great, has to pay so little, and the single mom has it so terrible, then go ahead and give custody to him and pay him the support. That doesn't sound so good either I'm sure.

 

The fact of the matter is, If you want the pleasure of your kids constant company and control of their upbringing, you take the brunt of the responsibility as well.

 

Being the non-custodial parent isn't exactly all pie and cake. You get to pay whatever you're ordered, have no say-so in how it's spent, and you have little to no control over how your child lives. You can't put them in sports, you can't control their behavior or their peer group. You can't control their performance in school. This is all pretty much at the discretion of the custodial parent. Every second weekend is exactly what it is, a visit. You're a part time parent. Since the work is part-time, so is the pay.

 

 

Why do I say this? I kept my ex pacified also. I could have stomped her into the ground in the beginning, but didn't. When it came time for a little payback, I got the finger. Now, I no longer have custody, due to my own stupidity.

 

He needs to get his mind and his relationship with his ex in order. He's still playing the part of providing, not for the kids, but for her!

[sneakygurl]

Thank you all for your posts...

 

To make a few clarifications, I am not a mother, nor am I their stepmother and I have no plans to do either. Like I said, I would much rather just be supportive of my boyfriends kids. We aren't super close, but I care deeply for them and they are good kids.

 

I wouldn't say I'm drowning alone, I have a full life... Lots of family and friends and a great job. I am more worried about him at this point. When we first met, he provided me with confidence in a time when I had zero. I don't want to leave him. He is still that tender caring person, and to be honest his sense of responsibility is why I went on the first date to begin with.

 

Thank you Kenyth especially for your reply. I really needed a man's perspective on this one and since you've went trhough something similar, I find your insight very helpful.

[sneakygurl]

Oh and I forgot to add that his kids do come over when they can. It's more of a convience issue than it is custody. He and his ex are cordial so their aren't hard feelings on that end. His kids live about 45 mintues from us and they have no way of getting to our place, which is close to work. He also does not see her when he goes over there because she is at work, so it's not like he's spending time wiht her.

 

Child support was kind of a compromise with them as well. He agreed to pay it so she wouldn't be out on the streets. As he says, she probably could have asked for more.

 

He is a good guy. I don't know too many men that would care so much about his kids and take so little for himself. The fact that he sees them so much is attractive to me.

 

My theory is that he knows he missed out on college,etc. and now he's trying to catch up but being a bouncer at 35 and drinking whenever he wants to. I think he seriously thinks it relaxes him.

 

Kenyth, did you go through a phase after your divorce similar to this?

[Kenyth]

Oh and I forgot to add that his kids do come over when they can. It's more of a convience issue than it is custody. He and his ex are cordial so their aren't hard feelings on that end. His kids live about 45 mintues from us and they have no way of getting to our place, which is close to work. He also does not see her when he goes over there because she is at work, so it's not like he's spending time wiht her.

 

Child support was kind of a compromise with them as well. He agreed to pay it so she wouldn't be out on the streets. As he says, she probably could have asked for more.

 

He is a good guy. I don't know too many men that would care so much about his kids and take so little for himself. The fact that he sees them so much is attractive to me.

 

My theory is that he knows he missed out on college,etc. and now he's trying to catch up but being a bouncer at 35 and drinking whenever he wants to. I think he seriously thinks it relaxes him.

 

Kenyth, did you go through a phase after your divorce similar to this?

 

 

Yes I did. I didn't ask for any child support. I wrote up a nice clean divorce blaming nobody. I was very flexible in visitation and did half the traveling even when she moved out of state even though the default parenting guidelines stated she had to do it all. I even let her keep him when she asked while I transistioned out of the military and took night classes. The problem is, nothing lasts forever. Sooner or later everyone wants to start a life with someone else. Then you start getting conflicts of interest, and that's where the trouble begins! I took back custody after I started dating my current wife while I was taking classes. My wife (then fiance') did not much like the loose arrangement I had with my ex. My ex did not much like my ex butting in, the fact that I wanted to start getting $50 a week in support, or the fact that I worked 25 miles away and was moving to be closer to my job. So she sued for custody and won. Imagine my surprise when I found out anything done before the last court decree on custody is inadmissable. Once I signed that nice clean divorce decree way back when, I gave her complete amnesty for any past transgressions. Infidelity, abandoning him to run away with her boyfriend, running away across the country with him when she missed him by pretending to want to come back and work things out (hell, I even paid for her frickin ticket!), the list goes on). We were now on equal ground, but she was remarried and established with a home and lived in the area the clild was already going to school. She was also the mother, which counts heavily with some judges. I can't blame it all on her though. Nope! When you allow someone to get behind you with a hidden hand like that, you don't have to be surprised when you get sapped. I learned my lesson the hard way.

 

Remember, no good deed ever goes unpunished.