basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Last night I got chewed out for being insecure. Charlie told me that I need to lighten up. He tells me I have nothing to get so uptight about. I don't see myself as being uptight or heavy.. He talks about his friends and I just go quiet and listen. (of course most of his friends are females). He senses I am uneasy with this obviously because normally I am talkative; but,. when he talks about his friends I go quiet. He has tried over and over to explain to me that they are just friends and that is it. He has nothing for them or going on with them. He said they ask about me all the time and want to meet me. He told me they are protective of him (biker chics) and want to make sure I am treating him right and good to him. OMG... What are they his sisters. He has told me they have watched him go through hell with his XW and XFiance'. Looks like I may meet a few of them this weekend...I met one associate already but he isn't close to her. This is a new situation that I havent encountered before--men having female freinds... With my track record its kinda hard to swallow when in my past the men I have been involved with have almost all cheated on me and the last serious one told me the woman he was living with was just a friend. Turned out she was his lover and she let him go to come to me because she wanted him to be happy yet she couldn't let go of him and he left me to go back to her after 6 months of a relationship with me.. When a person has been lied to so often by different persons of the opposite sex--don't you think it would be hard to trust when they say "She is just a friend!!" its hard to swallow??? I told Charlie it needs to be proved to me. I need to see how he interacts with these women and how he treats me in front of them!! He really got on my a$$ last night and the more he talked and chewed me out the more upset to got towards me and most of the time I was quiet and just let him rant... I've been thinking about it all since last night and slept on it--I am insecure, I do have trust issues, I am also adjusting, the burns from my past relationship are surfacing and I'm scared he will do the same thing to me that most men do--CHEAT on me.... How does a person get over this? This is crazy because I have never been this way and now I am.....!! I don't think low of myself, I have self-esteem, I have ambition, motivation, and the attitude that if life knocks me down I will pick myself up and move forward. So why now is this insecurity showing? Is it because I was burnt so bad in my last relationship? My last relationship devastated me, I had never in my entire life had a man rip my heart out like the last one did.. Am I scarred so bad from that its causing effects in this relationship? My God when did I get so paranoid, insecure, untrustworthy of men??? This just baffles me.... I can speculate about why and how I got this way but dang it--I don't want to feel like this... Charlie is a wonderful and amazing man, he treats me good, is attentive and gives me his time.. He is respectful towards me and we have good communication. (He doesn't always understand me when I get on psychological talk.) He hasn't given me any reason to not trust him.. This must be just PMS.. Gawd I hate it when I get so emotional and drag things too far in my head...This must be a PMS thing... sorry folks. I just needed to get it all out... I'm sure I'll feel different in a couple days when my hormones go back in line...
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I'm so sorry you feel this way. Ya know what struck me, though, as I read your post, is that I got the sense that you have some kind of unpleasant feelings associated with the situation, but you sorta talked yourself out of it and took the responsibility for your unpleasant feelings onto your shoulders, rather than continuing to question your partner's stance. It was like you went from acknowledging an emotional discomfort to blaming it on PMS. I think that even if he treats you well, you have a right to have emotional baggage considering your past, and that should be something taken into consideration. You can't force someone to just be ok with something they've had bad experiences with in the past.
Author basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Thanks B_O.. For the past 2 months I have felt this way around the time of the dreaded monthly friends visit. I am beginning to think I subconciously send signals or say sutle things to stimulate this topic or subject to the point he calls it all out and then he and I get into this tug and pull. He attempts to ease my feelings of insecurity. While I pull myself back and fight with my insecurity. It's almost like I create my own drama just because my hormones are out of balance. I think I need to get back on the St. Johns Wort during these two week periods.. Ugh... Poor man, why do I have to put him through this shyt... I don't even realize where things are headed until he speaks up like last night. Last night was the worse. He just opened up and blasted me about my insecurities and told me that I need to get over it... He told me he doesn't like it.. He said its the worse thing.. I don't blame him.. I don't intentionally (conciously) start this shyt.. I do have baggage that is surfacing. I was hurt deeply and I don't want to feel that kind of pain ever again in my life. When I dared poke my head up out of my hole after being so devasted I found LS and I have been surfing around in here since. I joined a 'Uncoupling Support Group", a couple weeks after my X walked out on me without a explaination. He kissed me, hugged me, held onto me, apoligized, told me he loved me with tears in his eyes and said he had to do this and left. I was devasted beyond anything I had ever experienced in my life. I took his walking out harder then when I lost my little girl..... I know things come up in our lives that trigger memories and we can't avoid it. Charlie and I have been together since Oct 6; it was 4 1/2 months (living together) when my X left me. Do you think that I am being the way I am now because of the timeline? Or is it truly PMS and I need to just relax????
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 It could be. When you get hurt badly, anniversaries of your injury can be devestating. I still remember the days I lost both my babies and am very depressed around those times of year. But it's important to communicate this to charlie, not to grit your teeth and bare it. From what you've written he can and should be supportive of your healing process. Sometimes men get frustrated when they see something wrong that's not "fixable". They want concrete things to tinker with so they can get it right. It can be touchy for them if it's emotional work that needs tinkering....
Sassy Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I think once you get burnt in a relationship you have a hard time trusting someone. I know in my current situation i expect things to happen, so that i won't get hurt too bad if it does. Once being done wrong you have a hard time trusting and you will only open your heart up a little. You shouldn't blame it on your pms . It is insecurity from the past relationship from you trusting and got hurt .I trusted and thought it wouldn't happen as well and it did. I know what you are feeling and what you are saying about these bike chics . You trusted the other guy and look what he done to you. It is hard to do. Good luck
l2hvn Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Pad, we are on the same cycle! However, I do not think you should blame it on PMS. Something provoked you to feel that way. PMS just magnified it. I think you have a right to feel the way you feel. And when Charlie said that you need to lighten up, he basically invalidated your feelings. His intentions may meant well, that you had nothing to worry about, but it just made you feel worse. I know the feeling. The eyes and the tone of your voice can make a big difference in the way you communicate with him. So next time, try to sit down and discuss how you feel about it. You still have to give him some slack as he has not yet done anything to mistrust him (or at least as far as you know). I can understand why you'd feel that way. I wouldn't be too comfortable with my bf having a lot of female friends either.
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I do have baggage that is surfacing. So does he Pada.. You seem to be taking an awful lot of responsibility for his rant. I'm sorry that he did this right after V-day and giving you that nice ring.. Sometimes people are just insecure.. he shows his own insecurity in the fact that he holds onto women friends that helped him thru his divorce.
Author basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Thanks 12HVN. No he has done nothing to my knowledge against me or us. He is very attentive. He makes a lot of effert to make plans to meet up with me every evening. He takes me out in public places where he hangs out so he's not hiding me.. I met one of his associates and she boasted that she heard all about me and she said don't worry its all good. He introduced me to his children and brothers (all he has left that he is close too) at the end of the first month of dating. He even hands me his cell phone from time to time to help him check text messages or to make calls on. If he had something to hide on his phone he wouldn't put it in my possession.. He doesn't really know how to use it. :lmao: he's not really technology inclined.. (thats to my advantage. ).. I think I am this way because of my past experiences (lessons), the fact I havent really delt with a man who has female FRIENDS... and also PMS is compounding my feelings of insecurity... GAWD I want this over with... I want to feel normal again... Usually PMS hits me about 5 days before I start that dreaded curse.. This time it is the day before... Ugh...Valentines Day must have cured my need for a Drama fix so I didn't feel the PMS coming on..
Outcast Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 You are letting your baggage get the better of you. Worse, you're punishing him for others' sins. It's human nature to think that history will repeat itself - but that's why we have brains; to argue against the bits of 'human nature' that don't work for us. Meet these women ASAP and allay your fears. And you absolutely must stop thinking that he'll do 'what they all did'. He's a completely different man and deserves to be treated as such. To do otherwise is to be unfair.
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Meet these women ASAP and allay your fears. And you absolutely must stop thinking that he'll do 'what they all did'. He's a completely different man and deserves to be treated as such. To do otherwise is to be unfair. Excellent Advice Outcast
Author basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 So does he Pada.. Yes he does, I see them and am suttle in them so I don't offend him or make his defensive but I let him know what I sense or see so he can recognise them if he don't already.. He is pretty easy in accepting my words. You seem to be taking an awful lot of responsibility for his rant. I suppose he needed to talk about what he is witnessing too just like I do at times. Although, I am PMSing right now doesn't help matters. I do take a lot on my shoulders when I care about the person. I'm sorry that he did this right after V-day and giving you that nice ring.. He wasnt an a**h*** to me when he was expressing himself and he has never never never used negative cut-down words on me. It just happened that Valentines Day was just a few days away from my monthly friend and it was right in the peak of my PMS time.. I Believe tonight things will be different... I just really need to be in his arms right now... I need to rest in his arms... Sometimes people are just insecure.. he shows his own insecurity in the fact that he holds onto women friends that helped him thru his divorce. My cousin had a friend who was a man. She and him were great friends. My aunt wanted them to date and get married because they got along so well. But neither of them were attracted to one another... They never dated... They both are happily married to other people and now live in different places with their familys. They talk when they both go home to visit but their friendship has distanced itself because of their lifes changing. I think this will happen with Charlie eventually. As people relocate, change jobs, get married, have children, etc etc. dynamics change and less time is spent communicating with your acquaintences... Charlie even told me that he use to go with the group of girls about once a month and his closest female friend and him use to talk on the phone one a week now they only speak about once a month. He spends all his free time with me, his kids, and his 2 brothers.. He doesn't have the free time to hang out with his female or even male friends.. He telle me he wants to call up his friends (male and female) and invite them out to where we plan to go on the weekends. He says he hasn't done it yet because he feels I don't want them to join us.. I just need to get over this issue I have about men and women not being able to be friends... Maybe once I meet these woemen and see how they interact with him and how he interacts with them and see hos he treats me in front of them I will ease up.... Its new territory for me.. I've never had a male friend who was just a friend or had no past with the guy.. I need to grow.. I need to heal... I need to learn to trust... I need to learn to have faith again... I need to believe again....
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 So the consensus is to just get over it? I wish I could do that.
Author basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 So the consensus is to just get over it? I wish I could do that. Its that so true... Its so much easier said then done.. Its logical and normal to know and to believe "just get over it." BUT when its you with all your feelings, hurt, pain, fear, insecurities, PMS, its not so easy to just 'Get Over It." I am working on it. I self-talk all the time to work my way past my insecure and low self esteem/self-worth issues... This one is just taking longer and is harder because I am new to this kind of experience. (Dealing with men and women just being friends..)
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 word, pada. I've tried many things to sort through my baggage. What has helped the most, is accepting that emotions aren't logical and don't usually follow a scripted pattern, no matter how much you long for it to be so. It helps to go easy on yourself. Even acknowledging the issue helps in and of itself, so you can recognize when emotional reactions are based more on your baggage rather than the reality of the situ...
EnigmaXOXO Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I think this is the reason why it's always a good idea to take things slow. Everyone is always on their best behavior when they're first trying to impress someone. Personally, I think it takes upwards of a year before you can really come to any conclusions whether your personalities will mesh or not. So glad you have a good head on your shoulders, Pada. You are very observant and intuitive. If something is making you uncomfortable, better to rely to your instincts (for the time being) until you really get to know everyone better. He really got on my a$$ last night and the more he talked and chewed me out the more upset to got towards me and most of the time I was quiet and just let him rant... That wasn't fair. It's understandable that Charlie would get defensive. But at the same time, he also needs to be more understanding about where you are coming from. He should be adult enough by now to know that he can't demand that you trust him blindly. Especially after what you've already been through. While he is entitled to your 'benefit of the doubt,' he has not earned your unconditional trust yet. I've been thinking about it all since last night and slept on it--I am insecure, I do have trust issues, I am also adjusting, the burns from my past relationship are surfacing Crap. Who hasn't acquired some 'trust issues' if they've lived long enough to gain experience with people. Those who aren't somewhat cautious love dumb, get blind-sided, and end up with a suitcase full of 'trust issues' anyway. At least your past has not turned you bitter or too afraid to risk getting close to someone again. I say… meet the friends and continue to observe how everyone responds to you and Charlie as a couple. See if they are open, friendly and welcoming towards you…or skeptical and standoffish. Particularly his female pals. And if Charlie's heart is in the right place, it won't matter what his friends think. And should anything negative, rude or snarky be said about you, he should be willing to stand up for you the same as he did for his friends. By the way… I experienced a similar situation with my current partner. While I was as uncomfortable as you are with a couple of his female friends (ex lover's turned platonic buddies) I welcomed the invitation to finally meet them. I was as polite and friendly with them as I would be meeting anyone for the first time, but I did not over compensate by pretending I wanted to be their new best buddies. Surprisingly, my instincts were right on. One of his gal-pals made some snarky comment about me being older than John. The second gal-pal called him saying she had finally left her boyfriend and wanted to know if he would give her a second chance. The third gal-pal wrote him a long email explaining that her feelings were hurt because he no longer confided in her like he use to… that she felt their close relationship was changing… and that she felt put off since their conversations were limited to superficial 'small talk' and he wasn't as affectionate or paying as much attention to her as he use to. And this was from a woman in her thirties who was married! I didn't have to say or do anything. Their behavior proved a point to John that he wasn't willing to accept until then. Subsequently, (on his own) he has put closure on those relationships and no longer communicates with them. Of course, I wouldn't be surprised if the girls somehow held me responsible for stealing their 'nice guy' buddy away from them. But such is life. And it all takes time before you know whether you and your partner are truly ready and willing to make some compromises for each other so that BOTH of you feel more comfortable going forward.
Author basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 EnigmaXOXO Thank you so much for sharing your experience... Your story really made me feel a little better. Charlies Xgf didn't hang out with him and his friends. She was very aloof and distant. She didn't like to hang out at loud clubs/bars, she doesnt dance, She didn't drink and she also preferred the company of men. She didn't get along with women.. She is too agressive, boistrous and flirty so women tend to not like her.. Now I on the otherhand am different from her totally.. I like to dance, have a few drinks, listen to music even if its loud, I don't like crowds but clubbing doesnt bother me. I am not pushy or boistrous or flirty with men... So it will be interesting how thngs transpire now that he has a woman that will be with him and do things with him.. these females wont have him to themselves... So things might change... Just like they did with you.
whichwayisup Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I just need to get over this issue I have about men and women not being able to be friends... Maybe once I meet these woemen and see how they interact with him and how he interacts with them and see hos he treats me in front of them I will ease up.... Its new territory for me.. I've never had a male friend who was just a friend or had no past with the guy.. I need to grow.. I need to heal... I need to learn to trust... I need to learn to have faith again... I need to believe again.... Keep saying this. Until you believe it. And ... Just know that he wouldn't have given you that gorgeous ring if he was thinking of other women, wanting to be with them. Trust your heart, open your heart to him. His actions are showing you that things are okay...(Yeah I know it's harder during PMS days, so try your best NOT to react to it.) He really hasn't done anything wrong, unless he YELLED at you and is being mean, not understanding why you feel the way you feel? But I think you said he wasn't mad at you, right? Just go with the flow, be confident and happy. Those women friends of his are JUST buddies. I'm sure they enjoy his company but aren't trying to get down his pants. Don't let your past haunt your present and future! He isn't those other guys who cheated on you, and his women friends are just friends, nothing more, nothing less...
Author basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Keep saying this. Until you believe it. And ... Just know that he wouldn't have given you that gorgeous ring if he was thinking of other women, wanting to be with them. Trust your heart, open your heart to him. His actions are showing you that things are okay...(Yeah I know it's harder during PMS days, so try your best NOT to react to it.) He really hasn't done anything wrong, unless he YELLED at you and is being mean, not understanding why you feel the way you feel? But I think you said he wasn't mad at you, right? Just go with the flow, be confident and happy. Those women friends of his are JUST buddies. I'm sure they enjoy his company but aren't trying to get down his pants. Don't let your past haunt your present and future! He isn't those other guys who cheated on you, and his women friends are just friends, nothing more, nothing less... NO he never yelled at me and he has NEVER been rude or intentionally mean to me in any way.. He was stearn because one of his peeves is insecurity. He is use to hard women who put on strong attitudes and don't back down to hardly anything (biker chics)... I think the majority of men want their women to be strong and stand on their own two feet. He thinks I will crumble and fall under pressure.. He needs to get to know me better. I am just the opposite. The more I am faced with the stronger I become.. I come from hardship.. I survive better under extreme situations then I do gentle ones.... What you have said about his female friends is what he has said.. I just need to chill (So-To-Speak)
Lishy Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Pada I think you have 2 choices here ........ You can hang on to your past and get paranoid that he will cheat on you like others have! 1 question on that tho ... Would he have joined a dating agency if he had girl friends that he was romantically attracted to? Or you can drum into your head that if he is going to cheat on you then he is going to cheat on you no matter how moody you get with him or how much you talk to him about it and no matter how stressed or upset you get you will not change that. Why get so upset because other guys cheated on you, we are not all the same and it is awful to be mistrusted because of something that someone else done I can understand him getting arsey over your reactions! I think that if you do not just let go of your previous hurt and pain you will cause a huge rift in your otherwise perfect relationship! Why create obstacles that do not exist at the moment? Do you think he would want you to meet girls who he fancies? Do you not think that if he had something to hide then these girls would remain a secret from you? Think back to how devious your exes have been and how upfront Charlie has been and my advice is to drum into yourself that you cannot stop him from cheating on you, TRUST him, until he gives you reason not to! Go meet his girl friends and hold your head up high and have fun, dont show insecurity, that is very unattractive and keep your eyes open and throw any blinkers away! Let us know how you get on honey!!!
brightskies Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 It's a tough situation; I'm currently starting to struggle with similar stuff. I haven't met ML's female friends yet, but he has a few that he's VERY close with. I'm sure that I'll be posting about this soon. Like you, I've been burned by a guy or two who insisted he was "just friends" with some other girls, but his "friends" turned out to be more. Your feelings are normal; it can be very hard to trust after you've allowed yourself to be vulnerable like that and gotten hurt or lied to. It's true that your current bf is a different man from your exes. And sure, he deserves the benefit of the doubt. But it wouldn't hurt to keep your eyes and ears open. It's one thing to be trusting, and another thing to be blindly naive. It would probably help to meet his female buddies and see how he interacts with them. His behavior more than his words will let you know what's going on. It might be intimidating at first, as they'll probably be sizing you up, but if you aren't on the defensive and are friendly and open you'll do fine. From your most recent posts it sounds like you're happy with this man, and that's what counts. Live in the moment, and enjoy yourself when you're with him. Congratulations on your beautiful ring!
Author basscatcher Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Thank yoiu Lishy and brightskys... Good words to ponder and let sink in. I am very thankful for everyones encouraging words and insight. This has been the best possitve response thread I have gotten. Thank you so much everyone... I am feeling better. Its good to have possite support and feedback in all forms -- even on a online board.
blind_otter Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I think you should go easy on yourself. The more you push yourself to just accept it the more you'll have issues, I think. From how you write, it seems like you're not the kinda person who can force yourself to think something unless it feels right. And IMO that just take tiiiiiiiiiiiiiime......
Becoming Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Pada--Some heterosexual men really prefer female friends. What Lishy said is too true. But others, too: take it slow, tell him why you're insecure. He needs to respect you and where you're coming from. He may not like it, but he needs to deal with it respectfully. It sounds like this guy has been nothing but open and honest with you. And anniversaries of past traumatic events may also be in play. Was it about this time in past relationship when other guy suddenly left? Just tell him that. You've got baggage. Like who doesn't? For me, seeing how someone deals with my baggage tells me everything I need to know about whether or not they can really honor who I am. Of course, he may have issues around your issues, and that's where things get interesting. But it's better to know now . . . And BTW--love the ring! Sounds like he's smitten in a big way.
alphamale Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Pada--Some heterosexual men really prefer female friends. If I was a woman I'd steer clear of these dudes. If someone cannot get along with their own sex then thats a big red flag in my book.
Becoming Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 It's not that they don't get along with men; it's just that they like the way women think about some of the things they're interested in--i.e. bikes. But if you have a man like that, you do have to be secure in the relationship, and it may be that you're not yet because of the past. Give it time, Pada. The fact that he wants you to meet these women is, as others have said, a good thing.
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