OzGirl Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Hi, There seems to be a lot of commonalities with everyone's stories - be it pre-affair, mid-affair, post-affair. One question raised is when does the pain stop during NC, etc. I am curious to know from any OW what changed inside them when they were over the pain of breaking away from a MM? 1. What triggered the pain to stop? 2. Were there relapses of angst about the ex-MM, and if so, what triggered them? I feel like I'm finally over it - it's been the single most emotionally traumatic experience of my life to think the most intimate and secret and vulnerable parts of me were handed over to such a liar and a cheat. The humiliation of asking myself "what did I expect" given the circumstances, and the many attempts by him to keep me living in hope. The whole thing has been disgusting, and I'm equally disgusted with myself, him, and frankly, his wife for her incessant naivity despite knowing the facts of what he did behind her back. My brain has known this all along. My heart, however, seems to have given itself a transplant. Having given up on fighting his constant attempts to maintain contact with me, I was having (seriously mundane, to say the least) brief (weekly, not daily) online chats with him, until just recently I found out a whopping massive lie - the sort he USED to tell his wife when he was seeing me. He finally made it easy for me to dislike him, because this wasn't about love or sex... it was about respect and decency. He has hurt so many people - his wife, his kids, and myself. His family have to hear the word "affair" on a TV ad, and thoughts of this horrid nightmare are re-kindled for them, I'm sure. His wife must lay in bed with him and wonder what he did in bed with me. It must be so hurtful for her. Fine - the least he could do is make an effort to change. But the old dog hasn't changed. How repulsive he has now become to me. The reason for my original questions is he still consumes my mind - those blank spots are filled with his name - that's all. Just his name. He has an ongoing presence in my mind. Does this ever end?
Guest Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Are you married as well??? I am trying to walk away from my MM.....I am married as well. I know what you mean by the constant thoughts and such b/c I have tried unsuccessfully many times to end it. I am HOPING that this is the final attempt and that I will be successful. I cant imagine you ever get over it completely or stop thinking about the other person completely but I guess time heals all........
My_Other_I Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 1. What triggered the pain to stop? For me it was a good dose of reality I finally opened my eyes to. I finally saw the lies. I knew he was lying to his W but he had no reason to lie to me and yet he did. Over and over again. I thought it was the most wonderful man I have met, where, in fact, he was the biggest liar I have met. I got my closure, and that did it for me. I saw things for what they were. The huge relief I felt after that was amazing. I feel free again and amazed how naive and trusting I was. I'm relieved that I haven't wasted anymore time with him that I had already. 2. Were there relapses of angst about the ex-MM, and if so, what triggered them? I've had a few. They are more self-inflicted than anything. Each time I catch myself thinking of him or missing him, I remember the last interaction we had and the lies and get angry instead:p The triggers vary. It could be a song, a place, a memory, time of a day he used to call/show up, etc. With time it doesn't effect me much anymore. I just smile, give my thanks for seeing the truth and move on with my day.
Author OzGirl Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 My Other I - you have written, WORD FOR WORD, how I feel right now, too. I hope more people post their own thoughts, because I really do get a feeling of being "okay" knowing so many others are getting past it, too. You know when you see on TV thousands of people walking the streets in protest of something? That's what I'm guessing there is out there, aside from the people who are entering into an anxiety-filled relationship with a MM, or are frustrated with the endless promises but no action, or are reeling in the pain of being cast aside and realising they merely boosted ego, satisfied libido, provided counsel and the humiliation of the entire process. I now feel like I'm some how "united" with all the people marching down the street saying "we are the ones who are free, tenacious, and live to love authentically". I'm sure any MM or his W will confirm - their marriage is forever scared by an affair - sometimes it heals, sometimes it won't, but the scare will always be there. Think of it from their point of view - as the OW, you walk away free to start again, any time you want to (in reality, it's the time we feel able to - and it's a long road to that point). As for the question of whether I'm married? No, I'm not. I don't know how that would affect my feelings at any point through the process. But (maybe ironically), I DO believe in faithfulness, friendship, and commitment to making something work. That's what I was doing for the MM, and that's part of my values for myself (I know, it sounds ridiculous to have been a mistress and to say that). It's what I will continue to provide to any man who might walk into my life again, only this time, I will just be wiser as to what HIS motivations, expectations, and circumstances demonstrate he's willing to provide me in return. I would not encourage any MM or MW to have affairs. It's merely compartmentalising your needs, and saying to yourself you don't believe any one man could have all his needs fulfilled by you, or you by one man. I think there's a mutual level of compromise to be expected in a partnership, but IF you have laughter, and loyalty, and a sense it's a mutual "choice" to be with each other (and not just by the default of doing what you've always done), then it can be exclusive and wonderfully so. If you're not happy right now, then I guess the best predictor of the future is the past. If the past brings you sadness and regret and desire for change, then change your future. Be strong enough to not just say you're worthy of more, and DO something about it. Don't wait for anyone else to start that ball rolling. YOU do it - take control of your life. If you want to change your marriage so it's better, then take action towards that (see a counsellor, talk to your husband, etc). If 'better' is not being in that marriage, then leave it. But, stop fooling yourself that you can compartmentalise with a husband for this, and a lover for that. It's not going to work - and you know it. You always have the people in this forum who are hear to listen and really do know how you feel. It's hard, but it's not impossible. You can't tell people you're worth love, friendship, and all things wonderful if you're not acting like you believe it.
My_Other_I Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 My Other I - you have written, WORD FOR WORD, how I feel right now, too. I hope more people post their own thoughts, because I really do get a feeling of being "okay" knowing so many others are getting past it, too. You know when you see on TV thousands of people walking the streets in protest of something? That's what I'm guessing there is out there, aside from the people who are entering into an anxiety-filled relationship with a MM, or are frustrated with the endless promises but no action, or are reeling in the pain of being cast aside and realising they merely boosted ego, satisfied libido, provided counsel and the humiliation of the entire process. I now feel like I'm some how "united" with all the people marching down the street saying "we are the ones who are free, tenacious, and live to love authentically". I'm sure any MM or his W will confirm - their marriage is forever scared by an affair - sometimes it heals, sometimes it won't, but the scare will always be there. Think of it from their point of view - as the OW, you walk away free to start again, any time you want to (in reality, it's the time we feel able to - and it's a long road to that point). As for the question of whether I'm married? No, I'm not. I don't know how that would affect my feelings at any point through the process. But (maybe ironically), I DO believe in faithfulness, friendship, and commitment to making something work. That's what I was doing for the MM, and that's part of my values for myself (I know, it sounds ridiculous to have been a mistress and to say that). It's what I will continue to provide to any man who might walk into my life again, only this time, I will just be wiser as to what HIS motivations, expectations, and circumstances demonstrate he's willing to provide me in return. I would not encourage any MM or MW to have affairs. It's merely compartmentalising your needs, and saying to yourself you don't believe any one man could have all his needs fulfilled by you, or you by one man. I think there's a mutual level of compromise to be expected in a partnership, but IF you have laughter, and loyalty, and a sense it's a mutual "choice" to be with each other (and not just by the default of doing what you've always done), then it can be exclusive and wonderfully so. If you're not happy right now, then I guess the best predictor of the future is the past. If the past brings you sadness and regret and desire for change, then change your future. Be strong enough to not just say you're worthy of more, and DO something about it. Don't wait for anyone else to start that ball rolling. YOU do it - take control of your life. If you want to change your marriage so it's better, then take action towards that (see a counsellor, talk to your husband, etc). If 'better' is not being in that marriage, then leave it. But, stop fooling yourself that you can compartmentalise with a husband for this, and a lover for that. It's not going to work - and you know it. You always have the people in this forum who are hear to listen and really do know how you feel. It's hard, but it's not impossible. You can't tell people you're worth love, friendship, and all things wonderful if you're not acting like you believe it. Are you my other I? I couldn't have said it better. Looks like we are in the same place right now. You know, I do believe (maybe just to make myself feel better) that he does love me, and in some twisted way it makes me feel good that he is hurting. He's had his chance, and I must admit that I am glad he didn't act on it. I know now that in few years I would be the betrayed one (in a way I already am - long story). Yes, we walk away free. We hurt, but it's only up to us to make something out of this. Learn and become stronger, knowing better what we want from our selves and other - and settling for no less than that. I feel sorry for his wife. She is a good woman. A very controlling one, but can you blame her? I am free, she lives with a fear of another affair coming. And yes, it will come. Sad, sad, sad. I wish I knew all the pain the A would cause to her (and many others) before. I was blind and selfish. My only regret in my whole life.
Author OzGirl Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 Well, it's comforting to know I'm not alone - cuz boy what a lonely process it's been aside from this website... what happened to all the OW before the internet came along?! I know my MM still thinks of me and always will... his attempt to contact me since the "end" proves he's not 100% committed to his W - which, to me, means he's not 100% sure... and if he's not now, I doubt he ever will be. His wife? Controlling - just like in your case. I know this from her ringing me - not by him just saying it. Makes no sense how a man gives up someone he gets along famously with AND gets "it" on tap, for someone who moans and whinges even MORE so now that she's cornered him in the 'cheating bastard' routine.... BUT, anyway - clearly, not a smart man, hay? Even his kids, who wished he left her for me call him and his wife Dumb and Dumber...lol... ooohhh you GOTTA laugh at something, surely??? Maybe your MM was also my MM.... we should go shopping together, right??! Actually - this isn't a laughing matter, I know. It's my only regret, too... but I KNOW that I'd rather be single than married to one of these creeps, and really, I am the fortunate one - in the long run, maybe the lack of choice in facing the facts, and the pain and the iscolation of this has given me a reality that I would never have had if not put in that position of no choice. I'm also not the one growing old thinking "this is the best I can get" as I think his insecure wife does. I'd rather having nothing but a broken heart, than ever doubt my worthiness of true love.
izzybelle Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 i am an exOW who is truly over it. it's taken time, and a lot of introspection but he is completely out of my heart. don't get me wrong, i wouldn't want him to get hit by a bus, but he could show up at my door and i can honestly say i wouldn't care. i wouldn't slam it in his face, but there is NOTHING he could say to get me back. although i think i've been past it for a bit, the moment i really realized it was last fall. a friend of mine tried to encourage me to get involved with a married man who is in an open marriage. the W knew and was ok with it all. i said, absolutely, positively NO!!!! if i'm going to give myself and my heart to someone, it's going to be someone who's FREE to give it back. someone who wants to be with me, and only me, and not be in the position to feel like it's OK to share himself with as many women as he'd like, whenever he'd like. i'd beaten myself up for being so stupid as to fall for MMs lies for so long trying to figure out what was wrong with me. realization was that i'd just made a really, really bad choice at the time, and now i'm stronger because of it all. but i knew not only did i not want to be in that situation, i realized at that moment that if he showed up on my doorstep, free and clear, it wouldn't matter. too many lies, too much time ... i know i'd never be able to trust him. honesty and trust ... too important to compromise. hang in there ladies, time does heal it all. i no longer feel those pangs of hurt, i no longer long to hear his voice or see his smile. he's gone, and i'm happy. of course it helps to have someone else to focus your attention on, but it took time for me to be able to trust myself and anyone else. but i'm there and i can honestly tell you ... the hurt will go away, you'll be stonger and more confident because of it all. you'll realize what's important to you and he will just become a distant memory. izzy
Guest Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I think it's so great for all of you that have had the strength to walk away........i know we all have different situations.... mine is that I really dont want to walk away.......I am in love with the OM, we are friends.......just happens to be he has a wife and I have a husband. He would like nothing more than to be together and leave our spoused however, I have a lot more to lose than he does.......and he knows that. I really do trust him and the reason i am trying to walk away is to do the right thing or I know my other option is to come clean with my H. I just go back and forth with it everyday..... any comments.........all are welcome, negative or positive......
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