Ruff Ryder Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 WORK WORK WORK I suppose I helped her to much and shelder her from harm to much held to tight forced her away..... Did I metion work?
symbol Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I took him as given. I was under a lot of stress and I always acted as if he was the reason that things were going bad in my life. I couldn't control my anger. I put him in the center of my life, made him my best friend, talked about everything with him and only with him, didn't understand that it was an unbearable responsibility for him to listen to my problems 24/7. I didn't pay much attention to his problems since I thought mine were more important and/or urgent and/or real. I was too stubborn, resisting to change any of my behaviors. ... So are you happy now No Foolin' that I look like the monster in this relationship? Seriously, I think that this thread is an eye opener. Just like Lishy said we all have bad sides. I guess the most important thing is to learn from our mistakes and our exs' mistakes and try to build a healthier and stronger relationship next time.
In Sync Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I was using him to cover up my fear of being alone. My fear of abandonment. A fear of deep rooted loneliness within me. I wanted him to be a band-aid, and cover up my unhapiness. I became clingy and desparate and kept wanting him to fulfill a void. Didn't matter to me, how he might not have been the right person for me or his character, I just wanted him to live up to my ideal...he could save me. The more he pulled away the more passive-aggressive I became, whiny, complaining, irritable and blamed him for making me unhappy.
lexilas Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I did not have the courage to speak up when my boundaries were being crossed i.e. being treated disrespectfully. I allowed him to take charge of our social life and then later resent him for it. Snooped in his things and computer to make sure he wasn't cheating or hiding any secrets. Became silent when things wouldn't go the way I wanted them to. It was easier to bitch to friends and family rather go directly to him. Would be upset that I gave up alot of my outside life and interests in order to be at home with him, I see now that it was all of my own doing. I did not make him accountable for his actions in regards to the relationship, it was easier to brush it aside and maintain status quo. I moved in with him way too soon into the relationship, we went through a burnout a few months later, which turned into a break up. I was ALWAYS there for him and downplayed my own needs. Always sought acceptance and validation from him rather than myself. Ditto on everything Just Visiting said
Devildog Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I didn't fight hard enough. Never called her on the "that's different" BS. I allowed her to put me 6th on her list of priorities. I allowed her to beat me down over several years until I actually believed I was as stupid and worthless as she seemed to think. I tried to protect her and defend her from the reprecussions oh her decisions and actions. This might not sound like I am making myself out to be a bad person, or admitting to major character flaws. But these things are just a destructive in a relationship as anything else. These are examples of how I allowed her to walk all over me. And that is the kiss of death to any relationship.
BlahBlahQueen Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 I was constantly on the defensive. I just didn't trust him, and he needed complete emotional openness. Maybe I was within my rights, but it is what screwed things up. I brought up the possibility of breaking up with him a few times. Totally ruined the sense of harmony/permanence between us. I was oversensitive, overanalytical and moody. I was too dramatic in shifts from dominance to submission, so that he would complain either way. Either I was passing the buck to him unacceptably or "everything had to be my way". I couldn't seem to find a happy medium. I wasn't the ethereal, enlightened, hyperevolved human being he wanted me to be. I was too caught up in physical reality to transcend the way he wanted me to. I was too stubborn to ever give in. I slept with someone else too soon after the breakup, and that ruined our chances of getting back together. I came off as patronizing sometimes, and that made him feel insecure about my opinion of his intelligence. I truly did not mean to. I thought he was pretty damn sharp. I spoke about my exes. I stopped this as soon as I realized it was a mistake, but the damage had been done. I had the nerve to make a sarcastic remark about our sex (something about duration time). Ironically, he was the best I've ever had. But he'd never believe it after the insensitive comment. I wasn't who he wanted me to be. My entire lifestyle and past were unacceptable. Lately, I've pushed too hard by coming crawling back to him. It's just what he wanted. Just what the other chicks before me did. Just what drives him away even more. What gives him satisfaction and closure that I'm just like the rest after all. This all said, I'm pretty sure now that I was originally intended to be some sort of empty-vessel-trophy-wife-type partner, to be filled at his preference. The main problem was that I'm possibly the world's worst candidate for that sort of thing.
amerikajin Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 The thing that I regret about my relationship with my ex-fiance is that I didn't know how to stand up to her without going to the other extreme and being a complete ass. I would try to be diplomatic, but when diplomacy failed I would throw down the gauntlet. I was also just straight up immature when it came to relationships and I became rather nonchalant about our relationship.
Guest Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I once lost my temper over all these f_cked up things she was saying about me and my friends. She wouldn't stop verbally abusing me so i snapped, said a few nasty things, and spat on her. Completely lost myself for a moment but we later talked and she forgave it, though she bottled it up for later fights.
LawGirl Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I expected too much too soon. Even though I was told from the very beginning he wasn't ready for a relationship. And then when I sensed things were going from bad to worse, in a desperate attempt to give him the final push - I told him I loved him. I should never have looked for love in all the wrong places.
riobikini Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Lawgirl, RE: "I should never have looked for love in all the wrong places." You weren't looking in his back pocket, his head, nor the in the shoebox in the back of his closet, -you were looking for love in the right place, -his heart- but it was just the wrong heart, that's all. Like me. Hugs. -Rio
Guest Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Lawgirl, You weren't looking in his back pocket, his head, nor the in the shoebox in the back of his closet, -you were looking for love in the right place, -his heart- but it was just the wrong heart, that's all. Like me. Hugs. -Rio Thanks for putting into the proper perspective Rio. Yes - it was the wrong heart. I am reading an interesting book called Getting To Committment by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. It is a great book for introspection and figuring out how one contributes to failed relationships and learning from the past to make better choices in the future. Hugs back.
LawGirl Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Rio - reply to your post by guest which will follow soon is me. Forgot to sign in . Oops.
riobikini Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Sounds like an interesting book, Lawgirl. You may have inspired a thread about what books have helped the most with various relationship problems, break-ups, and recovery during the aftermath. From time to time, posters have shared what books they have read that have helped them. It would be great to come across that special one with the recipe for the 'glue' that works for everyone in solving all the problems and keeping the relationship together. I imagine that recipe would be largely made of truly commited love and to-the-bone trust, as well as a big cup of open, honest communication, -and the book worth killing over. (Smile) -Rio
not_myself Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 At the beginning - I didn't think he was 'good' enough for me and was always looking for others. I perpetuated a crazy, drama filled relationship - b/c i wasnt afraid of losing him. I was hard on him for not living up to my own standards of ambition, responsibility and accomplishment. in the end - I gave too much in an effort to keep him, lost my pride and self worth trying to make up for the mistakes of the beginning. I was just trying to make things work and make up for my previous short comings, but he used my vulnerability against me - and to hurt me. I failed to see this for a long while and kept trying to fix things -
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