No Foolin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Hey kids lets shift perspective and play a game……..Its called that accountability game. How you play this game is simple, you just fess up to the crap and drama you brought to the party, which was once your relationship. Ya know those little or big actions which assisted in the demise. We always do the he/she did this, he/she did that, blah, blah, blah. Let be real. Oh, and don’t post on this thread unless you are here to play. I’ll begin, its been………….LOL……I don’t remember how long (don’t remember much about that nowadays). I always would roll out and ditch my ex when the drama started (this did not help) and this is a character flaw that I am fully aware of, LOL. Lets see, I would say some totally rude and harsh sh*t to my ex when we fought. All that builds up trust me. But then, I left her……. No Foolin
cal gal Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 NF- This is a tough one for me as this past summer when my hubby of 20 years asked me to stop drinking and smoking, I did. It was obvious a short time later that he was requesting so I would fail and when I didn't he seemed very angry. That was what tipped me off to him having an affair.... he should have been proud and supportive of me... but Nooooo ... he set me up thinking I would fail and he could blame me instead of his infidelity. We continued to have sex every day even until the end. I found out and he was dead in the water.... I had to tell him not to come home, I am a strong woman and my kids and family and friends are proud of me for being as strong as I have been. I have life better than most and am so grateful for my support system and my friends (male and female) that continue to give me the most brilliant guidance when it comes to tough decisions. It is not always easy, I miss the companionship and someone challenging me. I miss the sex and that part I am trying to get used to. It is hard - but life goes on....
dprelz Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I played too much counter-strike instead of playing with her:(
Author No Foolin Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 good disclosure, took courage..........But what did you do wrong(what was your 50% of the problem)???
cal gal Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 good disclosure, took courage..........But what did you do wrong(what was your 50% of the problem)??? I stuck to my guns on my morals and ethics, and when he said to me "you need to reduce your value system so you don't piss people off" I knew something was terribly wrong.... I also will totally admit that I love red wine,and interestingly enough, he would always be the one to shop (yep, clothes and groceries the whole deal) anyway his shopping entailed buying me cases of red wine every week. Not cheap wine, because we were both gourmet cooks and loved to eat and drink great things. Entertained our family and friends alot. (and no - I am the opposite from fat) . Anyway, I guess I am a woman guilty of loving the red vino, but my life is much different now and I have a good handle on how to keep myself away from it.... I never went out if I had a glass of wine, as I would never put another life at risk. NF- you can ask me anything you want, I am an upfront gal, and won't be offended... anyway I guess my love of red wine was a deterent in our relationship.
Author No Foolin Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 LOL this thread has a point, but until we get some non-cowards to fess up, the point can't be made. Testify kids. Its funny, we can post on other threads about sex, body parts,what other people do to screw your world up, but when it comes time to show that ugly side (ya know the side that doesn't exist, right?) we turn into prudes and cowards...... No Foolin
WeaknPowerless Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 • I would fall into routines and regularily let her take care of things like shopping and laundry. Since the day I met her I always knew a major thing was her being taken advantage of in the past, and I enabled it at times, causing way more grief then need be. A tiny amount of effort was all it took. (Trust me, this was a big thing at the start of our relationship) • There were some things that she would get upset about, fundamental things about herself...and when I saw them threatening our happyness, I could talk to her and convince her about them, but in a way that I would not have any losses. I don't care to get into details about them, but looking back, even though I was trying to help, these things should of been dealt with better. I caused a slow resentment and I regret it to this day. • I became complacent about having a hot, sexy woman that did so much for me. I am fit, and looks aren't everything, but doing a bit more for myself, getting out a bit more, would have given us both more space, and I would have kept myself a bit better. It's partially shallow, but in the grand scheme of things, its another regret because it was so easy to do. • I worked on it, but I was very closed emotionally when we got together. I am now more open, and intend on being myself, but more expressive when need be. So many things though, that I may regret, ultimately, it's still the fact that we were different, and she didn't care to see things as I did. Plus a few other little, enraging details, but in end, I will be better, learn from the mistakes, but I'm still me, and she decided that wasn't good enough. Too bad, because the way I looked at her, her flaws never amounted up to anything compared to how amazing I thought she was.
Author No Foolin Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 excellent......next please No Foolin
littlekitty Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 In my previous relationship, when I felt lonely and unloved, I searched for attention from else where. Stupid, childish and wrong. A lesson learnt for the future. Truth be told, he never really felt enough for me (I knew this), so talking wouldn't have resolved it either. I guess that's part of why I didn't bother. But it was something I'd done previously as well. Now I believe in living my life so that my SO could be a fly on the wall at any time, and never see a thing which would worry him. It's about respect for each other.
Jools Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I dragged my heels, i took too long to tell her about the feelings that i was developing for her, that i was falling in love with her. By the time i told her, she told me that she had started seeing someone.
Author No Foolin Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 better, continue. No foolin
Lishy Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I was too weak for too long and listened to his bullsh it and allowed him to bully me for too long - For so long I blamed him for doing this to me - Now I realise that I was at fault for allowing it to happen to me! I am in charge of my own destiny and no one will treat me like that again!
a4a Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Last LTR I did not want to bother doing the "work" to keep it going. I focused on just work. I also realized that I was happier on my own, but did not say a thing until it just turned to dust. I think one of those classic : We just grew apart relationships, which is what happens when you don't bother to work on the relationship.
Lishy Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Wow this has made me think! I am accountable for everything I do and everything I let others do to me! In my marriage I was guilty of allowing him to walk all over me at will - But in my last FWB realtionship I was guilty of lying to MYSELF about what I wanted and I gave so many mixed messages he wouldnt have known his ass from his elbow! THEN i had the nerve to ask him for more! Who the hell would want more with a girl who blew hot and cold at will? He must have thought I was a big freakazoid! BIG lesson learned there and now I need to try to let my guards down a tad so I do not blame my past on my future and end up a bitter old woman who hates all men just because of one bad judgement! Lets hope my ex learned his lesson too - He is a bully thug!
Blue in Texas Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 She was ready to commit before I was. She was really hurt by the difference in our level of emotional committment and was hurt a lot worse by the fact that I absolutely would not talk about it with her. I let her feel rejected rather than reveal my emotions. I rationalized it at the time as a natural reaction to a previous breakup, but I was, in reality an insensitive jerk. (And ironically I did/do love her.) I am heartbroken at being dumped, but feel far worse about the fact that I hurt her so badly and for such selfish reasons. Once I have let enough time go by that it will not hurt her to hear from me I will reveal all this to her in far greater detail. Massive introspection and reading the great advice on this board has helped me put my actions into greater perspective. Thanks for making me come clean, No Foolin'.
witabix Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 For me... I refused to share my time. I was arrogant, domineering and aloof. I thought that 'things' would be sufficient. I withdrew immediately upon conflict, but not after delivering as many killer blows as I could. I could not control my anger. I spent too much time drinking alone. I can be a heartless b@stard when the mood takes me. I used to say "What the hell? Don't you think I have enough problems without you piling all yours on top of me?". I didn't listen. I am accountable for all my deeds good and bad, no one else is to blame, I do not hide from my own reality any more, well not as much as I used to.
Lishy Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 This is kind of weird - You speak to people on here and you see the caring, thoughtful side to them. Isn;t it funny how you never even think about what their 'bad' side is like (and we ALL have bad sides)
swissair Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I rant about her being a terrible communicator, but I was too. When I look back, we really didn't know each other besides on the superficial level. That's 50% my fault. When she started to pull away, I sat quietly on the sidelines which I think was good; however, after about 2 weeks of this, I sent the "blow up" email. The what-the-hell-is-going-on email. It was about 5 little issues that should have been dealt with before they reached the boiling point. Why an email? why! Never again! I should have absolutely talked about how things were going in person...
alphamale Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I always would roll out and ditch my ex when the drama started (this did not help) and this is a character flaw that I am fully aware of, LOL. thats a character flaw that many men exercise when the shyt hits the fan
Just Visiting Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I did not have the courage to speak up when my boundaries were being crossed i.e. being treated disrespectfully. I allowed him to take charge of our social life and then later resent him for it. Snooped in his things and computer to make sure he wasn't cheating or hiding any secrets. Became silent when things wouldn't go the way I wanted them to. It was easier to bitch to friends and family rather go directly to him. Would be upset that I gave up alot of my outside life and interests in order to be at home with him, I see now that it was all of my own doing. I did not make him accountable for his actions in regards to the relationship, it was easier to brush it aside and maintain status quo. I moved in with him way too soon into the relationship, we went through a burnout a few months later, which turned into a break up. I was ALWAYS there for him and downplayed my own needs. Always sought acceptance and validation from him rather than myself.
fomerlyniceguy Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I freely admit that at the first of my seperation I felt 1005 to blame, then 0% now I except my half of the resposibility. When boundries were crossed by her, I would get angry, forgive her, then secretly and not so secretly resent her for it.I was a huge ass when her dad died, he was an alcoholic and I didn't care much for him, but I should have honored her feelings about his death.When she said she wasn't happy I assumed it was because I wasn't a good husband and I "tried" much harder. I ended up smothering her.I ignored red flags at the beginning that she wasn't ready to get married.I had some anger issues, that weren't related to her but I am sure effected her nonetheless.I stopped being as romantic as I could have been.I tended to be uncommunicative when we were angry at each other. Well that is a fairly good list, I could say that there were thing she did that made me act this way, but truth is they were my own problems. I needed to keep them in check and I didn't. Hopefully live and learn though.
whats wrong with me Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 my situations kinda weird cause we split up and are back together. But I am still "coping" I b*tch... alot. I smoke. I didn't care enough to "check it out" I read alot into things (if he starts listening to different music he must be cheating) I b*tch... alot I have issues w/ my self esteem which make me suspicious. I b*tch... alot I accused him of cheating when he wasn't which made it easier for him to do it w/o getting caught. I b*tch... alot I snoop constantly.I b*tch... alot. I have called his friends and questioned them!! When something is real important to me I dont say anything until its too late (ex. dont say what I want for Christmas, hint some, then get mad AFTER Xmas cause didn't get gift I b*tch... alot) slept around alot before we met and after I left him. Although I never cheated on him, my actions before and after (basically being a slut) most likely didn't help the relationship. my family (sister, etc.) sucks and they are all mooches The worst thing is I b*tch about anything and everything... alot!
riobikini Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I never said the words. The most important ones. And they are still there, -waiting to be said. -Rio
jennifer1983 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Wellll... If I was in a bad mood I would nit pick little things to test him to see how he would react..I guess to see if he would kiss my a** or not. When I didn't get my way about the smallest things I would suddenly act like it was the biggest issue in the world just to see if I could get my way. I was way too jealous and would accuse him of anything to see if maybe he really was guilty of anything and would confess if he thought I knew something...VERY stupid and childish. I would never come out and tell him things that I wanted to do I would wait to see if he would ask even though I know there are no true mind readers in a relationship.
clandestinidad Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 When I've been completely miserable and hurt in past relationships I would tend to get very ridiculous and irrational, and emotional (after many months of being treated badly). Pushing more and more, to get them to break up with me. When they did, I had even more ground for my misery.....and it was all blamed on them. Now, I recognize when I'm not being treated properly and leave the relationship, when it becomes apparent that things arent going to change, rather than pushing them into ending it.
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