Married, separated, washed up, burned out

February 17, 2006

I stumbled on this site a week or two ago. I’ve seen so many stories I can relate to. I’m a pretty cynical guy, but I have to admit that more than one of them brought a tear to my eye, simply because I can relate to these sad, sad stories. It’s good to know that there are other people out there who are going through separation/divorce hell. I hope somebody out there will be kind enough to tell me what they think about my situation.

I hardly know where to begin… I met my wife 3 years ago, on my 30th birthday. We’ve been married for almost 2 years now, and separated for about 8 months. Our relationship has always been…. “tumultuous” is the term she uses. We’re not done yet, either. It’s a long story.

I’d never been in a serious relationship before I met her, and we both fell for each other very hard. I’d never been in love before. I remember thinking “so THIS is what they write all those cheesy songs about!” I truly thought we were soul mates and proposed to her about 10 months after we met. She is extremely intelligent, has a very biting sense of humor, she’s a dynamite lay and swears like a sailor – all things that I admire in a woman. She’s also very strong-willed – for some reason I’ve always been attracted to women like that…. nowadays I don’t know if that’s a good thing or not.

She has been in many, many more relationships than I, and was married for 5 years to a very talented but drunken artist. Seems she’s into skinny creative boys. Well, that’s me, too – I played guitar in local indie bands for years, until I went back to college a year and a half ago. We’re both kind of bohemian

She’s 2 years older than I, and I’m much less experienced with women than she is with men. It never bothered me much until we separated and I began to think that I got married too quickly – only a year after we met. She had a pretty rough childhood and her adult life hasn’t been very stable either, since she divorced her 1st husband. She’s had a string of fairly nasty relationships since then. I guess in my naïveté I thought I could heal her old wounds and we would live happily ever after. Let’s just say I’m a bit more… realistic now!

We met in a bar, and alcohol has always been a part of our relationship. I don’t think we’re alcoholics, but we both have issues with drinking. In the last year, she got pretty out of control and she did go stone cold sober for a while. It was a good thing.

When she dried out and started 12-stepping, she wouldn’t let me keep booze in the house but she didn’t mind if I went out for a drink. So I did…. usually I’d just have a few beers after work or school and walk home. Boy that was stupid.

One day, after work I got a call from an apartment manager – she had been shopping for apartments for a few days. Naturally this disturbed me greatly and I was pissed off and hurt, and I went out and got pretty ****ed up. Later that night we had a fight and she said she didn’t want me going out every night, even though I wasn’t staying out too late. So, I agreed to it. I didn’t want to lose her, and was trying to support her in my own pathetic way. Though I wasn’t getting hammered every night, drinking is something I do to relax and it’s very hard for me to just quit cold turkey, especially if there’s no booze in the house. I was willing to reduce my drinking – and I was doing so – but I was doing it at my own pace. She said she understood, but I know now that she never really did.

In the next week I went out 3 times. The last time, I had two beers at a nearby bar after a grueling accounting test. I was home by 8:30 or so, but she wouldn’t even talk to me for the rest of the night. The next day I came straight home from work and tried to talk to her. I offered to quit drinking entirely for a while but she wouldn’t have it – she said it didn’t matter because I “didn’t want to quit.” I had no idea what she wanted at that point and got frustrated and angry. It seemed to me like she was looking for reasons to leave me. We had a terrible fight which culminated in her telling me she was leaving. I was fed up and I told her “fine – get out!!!”

In reality, I was totally devastated. I lost all restraint and began going out to get obliterated every night so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I didn’t handle it well at all. I was trying to numb the awful hurt, but she saw it as a betrayal and still has not forgiven me for it to this day.

I felt betrayed and dismayed too. We had talked so much about starting a family together – the month before she left, she had been off birth control and we were trying to conceive. When she left, I was completely shattered.

She has a long history of making sudden, rather rash changes in her life, over which I have never had any control. That was how she had come to Colorado in the first place. That was how she left me, too. I couldn’t understand what she wanted – she had said so many times that she didn’t mind me drinking a little. That wasn’t good enough. I told her I would quit drinking entirely and that wasn’t good enough, either. What in the hell was I supposed to do? So, it was much more than the drinking. She started drinking again late last year had has had some more problems since, but now that we are separated she can’t blame me for not “supporting” her enough.

In July she went back to her home town of Baltimore to visit friends. She stayed for two weeks with her ex-husband! For a long time she wouldn’t tell me if she’d slept with him. Though she eventually told me that she hadn’t ****ed him (and I do believe her) the emotional cruelty that her trip inflicted on me was incalculable. Things haven’t really been the same since then.

There was a time around September when we planned to file for divorce. She informed me that she no longer wanted children or anything to do with my family. Having kids was her idea in the first place – I mean, I’ve always wanted kids but she came late to the idea, after she met me.

In fact, she was the one who first brought it up, before we even married. She would look at me and say “babies!” with a glow on her face, and when we would go to Target she would drag me into the baby section to pine for the onesies and such. We had even picked out names for our kids…. my god, what was I thinking???? I had looked forward to a long life together with her and she was flushing it all down the toilet. She said now she wanted to focus on a career and thought she’d never have one if she had kids. I’d never wanted her to be merely a house mom – I’m a modern guy and a liberal, politically. But she was rejecting everything we had ever dreamed of in the course of our relationship.

I was getting ready to be single again. I found myself letting go of her and looking forward to seeing other girls. I think she finally realized she was about to lose me when I moved out of our old apartment into a cheaper one in October.

I guess I wanted her back too, but I was ambivalent at first. Losing her the first time had turned me into a blubbering emotional wreck and I never wanted to go there again. She changed her mind on the children issue again, which made me feel that maybe we could work things out. We began to talk of starting a family again.

In December she ran out of birth control pills. Since it takes time for the drug to leave a woman’s body we thought we were safe – until her period was late last month. While I promised to stick by her, she was absolutely horrified and freaked out. She had said the month previous that we would “just deal with it” if she got preggers, now she was saying that she’d already made up her mind to abort. She didn’t even ask me before deciding.

What could I say? I was once again devastated and felt betrayed. How could I think about having a future with her? More than anything else that has happened in the last year (and there were many other “issues” I haven’t even mentioned), this really was like a knife in the ribs. How could I ever trust her again?

Since the pregnancy scare, school has started again and we see each other less. I’ve been increasingly ambivalent about staying with her… but of course I can’t tell her. I don’t want to hurt her any more than I have. I am no saint. However, she left ME, but insists that she had no choice and that I abandoned and betrayed her HER. Black is white, up is down, tomato tomahto… goddamn it I am so tired of trying! I do care about her but I am beginning to wonder if I should – is trying to save our relationship for the best?

In the past few months I’ve even had dreams about sex with other girls. I’ve never been unfaithful. I feel guilty but I can’t control it. I’m afraid that I might end up cheating on her even if we stay together, if I had the chance.

I’ve tried to be a good husband, but I’ve never gotten much respect from her…. she tends to take charge of everything. She tells me often how selfish and narcissistic she thinks I am…. and I think, “back at you, sister”. It’s always been me marching to her music, whether it’s chores, moving, furniture, our weekend activities. She has a very bad temper and when she’s angry, even over little things, she tends to fume and rage at me. Last week she told me I’m a lousy husband. She tends to have a very negative outlook on life and when she’s down, the drag can be immense. Nothing that I say can cheer her up, and usually just gets her angry at me. Every time things get better, I find myself bracing for the next crash. I’m getting burned out – to the point where I just don’t care that much about her feelings, ‘cuz I feel I have no control anyway. And I know that’s not fair to her, either.

I’m still carrying some of her debt, and I’m about 2 steps from bankruptcy. I don’t have a car or a TV anymore and can barely afford to pay my bills every month. I’m afraid that a big reason I’m considering staying with her is the financial benefit of us living together… but what a pathetic sham of a marriage that is, if it’s what’s true!

I think a big reason why I’m still with her is that I’m afraid that no other girl will have me… I am pretty inexperienced with women and have never been in love before I met her. But once again, what a terrible basis for a relationship, if that’s true!

So there you have it. I don’t really know what to do… or how to talk about any of this with her. It always leads to a fight, and I am so very tired of fighting. There are times when we are together that I still feel close to her, but in a way that just deepens my confusion. When I’m away, I find myself feeling angry and resentful all the time. And I’ve learned there is an ugly side to me that I didn’t know about before I was married. I’ve done mean, spiteful things – just not as many as she has. I honestly care about her, but I fear that I’m merely deferring and magnifying the hurt we will both feel at a later date if we do break up for good.

I guess that, if anybody has been able to read this far, I would like some advice. Has anybody had a similar separation that ended in anything but divorce? Should I cut my losses? I’m sorry this has been so long, boring and sad. Thanks if you’ve stuck with me this far or even read part of it!

February 17, 2006

1. Couples counseling

2. Financial counseling

3. Drug and alcohol counseling

I'd recommend these three to start. Problem is, they aren't cheap. Do you have health insurance? If so, look into it. I'm not saying *you* are an alcoholic - I can't tell. Your wife sounds like she is. For her health quit drinking entirely, appologize for not supporting her efforts in the sincerest way possible. Its damn hard to kick and addiction and you drinking doesn't help. Also, not drinking helps with finances. If you can't quit, you're probably an alcoholic or heading there in a hurry.

Couples counseling at this point is beyond critical. You needed it years ago. The two of you are really beating the hell out of each other emotionally and you don't have the tools to treat each other well. I'm pretty sure the two of you don't have what it takes to repair the damage.

Financially, it sounds like you need to finish school and kick your career into high gear to handle you obligations. You don't declare bankrupsy until you've hit rock bottom, and I'm guessing you're not there yet. Also, if you can stay out of bankrupsy, it may help you get a job. They pull credit reports for many jobs now and I don't know what they can use as criterion for hiring or not hiring.

If you're relationship isn't going to work, so be it. The "I'll never get laid again" worry to stay in a relationship is a highly dysfunctional one.

I wish you luck in your endeavors.

February 17, 2006

I'm in complete agreement with Tweldy. Counseling is best, but I share his concern about your ability to pay for it.

First things first. It is imperative that you BOTH stop drinking. Alcohol is NOT your friend right now. It's use has interfered in your life to the extent that it can be described (at the minimum) as 'Problem Drinking'. Get whatever help you need....but put it out of your life altogether.

Next, it's important for you to realize that having a baby is already an emotionally stressful time.....not just for a new Mommy, but for a new Daddy as well. Sometimes anxiety regarding familial responsibility causes men to withdraw from the relationship.

Most often, the men who are subject to that kind of underlying anxiety are unaware of it's cause. They allow themselves to become distracted by other issues as they cast around for the source of their discomfort. Often they become obsessed with 'old flames' or find themselves attracted to other women. Once they've arrived at another problem, they can identify it as something concrete to deal with, rather than the vague sense of unease they had before.

This is a monster whose teeth can be pulled merely be recognizing it!

Next, if you want to give your marriage another go... Take divorce off the table. Of course, that means you BOTH have to make the decision that you are IN THE MARRIAGE TO STAY. If it's not mutual, then divorce is not really "off the table", is it? You're not going to be able to 'hedge you bets' and still give your 100% determination to rebuilding the marriage. You both need to be bringing your A-game and not holding anything back.

Finally, if there's no way to get MC because of your financial issues....you'll need to study at home. Take this seriously. There is NO WAY for your marriage to survive if you two don't make changes in the way you treat each other. If you're not mutually willing to prioritize the marriage, you can save yourself alot of wasted time and heartache by going ahead and filing for your divorce.

Here's a booklist for you:

>>> Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love

by Willard F., Jr. Harley

>>> The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman

>>> His Needs / Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage also by Harley

As you're working through your home-study, it's important to talk about your findings of course. But don't be overtly forceful with each other either. The hazard of home-study is that one partner often finds the other moving at a slower pace. The ensuing arguements over that will cause HUGE problems in terms of hurt feelings. Best to pay attention to what YOU are doing and allow your partner to do the same whenever possible.

I haven't read your blog, but based on your post...I think you have a good chance of reconciling the marriage. It just depends on what you're BOTH willing to put into it.

February 17, 2006

Thanks for your kind and well-thought-out replies, guys. I'm at work right now so I don't have much time to respond to this. I'm meeting my wife for dinner and will be spending the night at her place, so when I'm home tomorrow I'll be able to respond with a bit more in the way of 'splainin'.

For now, I'll be brief: I hear what you're saying about the drinking and you have a good point about stopping or cutting back. But it's a little more complex than that. I have never had any control over whether she drinks or not. Her choice to try drinking moderately again late last year was hers, and hers alone. Some of her "bad nights" have been when I haven't had any contact with her for days at a time. I can't tell her what to do, nor can I expect her to completely stop drinking even if I do. I cant bring myself to base our marriage/staying together on whether or not she or I drinks at all.

And we have gone mutually sober before. It was a good thing, and maybe we'll do it again, but can't ever see myself becoming a permanent teetotaler.

She spent last summer in an outpatient rehab program (which my insurance paid for btw), and did attend a certain 12-step program for a while (you know the one). The rehab thing did her a lot of good and she got her head together, while AA was helpful for reducing her urge to drink.

The problem with AA is that it's not really a good fit for my wife, or myself for that matter. You have to understand that they place a huge emphasis on the "higher power" and the alcoholic being "powerless". I respect AA -- it's a great organization that works for many people. However, my wife and I are both atheists, and the notion of "powerlessness" does not work very well with my wife's um, strong-willed personality. She got really turned off to AA (even when she stayed sober for a while), and I don't think she'll go back. Not that I want her to.... it's her choice after all.

Maybe you think that's a cop out, and perhaps it is. I wouldn't deny excessive alcohol is a problem, but I think it's more of a symptom that sometimes (not all the time) exacerbates our deeper problems. The worst fights we've ever had, including the one where she told me she was leaving, were when we were both stone-cold sober.

For now, I'm trying to decide for myself if I want to even try to save this marriage anymore. I'm having a really tough time...

I have more to say about some other stuff you guys mentioned like the financial/marriage counseling (we've done both), but I'll save that for tomorrow -- gotta get back to work. LadyJane, I will check out those books you mentioned. Can you tell me a little more what you meant by "prioritize"? How did you prioritize?

February 17, 2006

Can you tell me a little more what you meant by "prioritize"? How did you prioritize?

What I mean is to treat the marriage itself as a matter of utmost importance....almost as if it were a separate entity unto itself. It's health and welfare should be a priority for BOTH of you.

(And it sounds like you're making some excuses about the drinking, btw. If it's causing problems in your marriage....it's causing problems in your marriage.)

February 17, 2006

Okay, after that last post, she's gotten major help and it hasn't worked. This is not unusual - conventional rehab has a lot of failures. In my experience of the world, the thing that works best it moving to a new place where nothing reminds you or her of alcohol and avoiding it at all costs. Preferably a place that doesn't have any alcohol so its completely unavaible. This would be highly difficult, so I don't know where you'd go. Maybe Salt Lake City. Maybe you could find a contract overseas where she could come along. I am NOT kidding and I know this is extreme, but it works when other things don't.

Likely moving isn't really an option for you. Nevertheless, if you still can, quit - no matter what your wife does. Just stop drinking and resolve to spend all the time you used to spend drinking on your wife and her well being. If you can't do this, you need help as well. If she wants to drink, implore her not to do so and offer her a backrub or something else pleasurable for just her (as in don't even suggest or expect sex - I mean don't even think about it - she needs to feel like you're doing this for her for nothing other than your love for her). Open a communication channel where she can tell you when she's jonesin' for a drink and then drop whatever you're doing and find something else to keep mind off of it.

Pick up new hobbies and leisure activities she does not associate with drinking. Call her friends and tell them to stop taking her out to places that serve alcohol.

*If* this works, you'll be the best friend she's ever had, and if that's not enough for her to fall back in love with you, nothing is. At least you can be satisfied that you gave it everything you had.

Extra Note:

If she gets pregnant while drinking heavily, your child will be at serious risk for major problems, (e.g. Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). Otherwise great relationships can be seriously strained by children. A child with a serious disability... the challenges are beyond my ken.

LJ - thanks, you are very sweet, thx.

February 17, 2006

SpaceKase

your story really brought tears to my eyes. The pain is so evident

I never married an alcoholic but I did live with TWO different guys .....both for longer than two years.....both of whom were alcoholics.

They had different personalities, but shared a lot of traits. They were, in their own ways, manipulating, controlling and emotionally unpredictable.

In the beginning of each relationship, there was romance out the wazoo. I mean, one wouldn't think it possible for a man to be so loving! But then as time went on, the alcoholic personality took over.

Alcoholics tend to 'blame' a lot and when you mentioned this woman passing so much blame onto you, it sounded very familiar to me.

So then of course, you probably felt guilty and like you had to 'try harder' and 'be better' and 'be more supportive'

and you end up with this horrible feeling in your stomach all the time as you tiptoe past them on eggshells.

One guy, 'E', started acting very rash, unpredictable and....well, downright CRAZY. He'd go into rages and once threw all my stuff out of his apartment into the hallway because he 'decided' I didn't really love him enough.

The next morning he barely remembered his actions.

It's really a form of emotional tyranny and abuse.

Well, as for your marriage working or not working....it doesn't sound very solid and you don't sound very happy. If you the thought of being single and finding yourself again brings some relief, I'd pursue it.

At the very least, you two SHOULD seperate while you ponder the options.

I wouldn't even think about getting back together unless she's been free of alcohol at least a year.

February 19, 2006

[FONT=Times New Roman]Thanks Tweldy and JayKay. It’s really nice to know that, even though the Web is so cluttered with BS and stupidity, there are people out there who are kind and thoughtful.[/FONT]