jdubinva Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Hey all, I had what started out as a nice first date with a girl this past weekend BUT I had a little too much to drink and pushed the affection thing, i.e. kissing a little probably too far. Worse, I suggested we venture back to my place (which she initially agreed to but then backed out blaming it on her buzz). We got along great though but she said in one of her emails since that it made her uncomfortable. I'll directly quote it: "I'm not going to say you offended me but I was not prepared for you moving so fast when we just met. I'm not sure if you remember what I'm talking about but it did make me feel a little uncomfortable. You are a really sweet guy and I hope it was the drinks. It has just taken me a day or two to recover. I'll keep in touch but I really think we need to just be friends right now. I hope you understand. Elizabeth" My response was: "You know, I was a little embarassed the next day and that's why I've beeen, more or less, checking to see if things were OK. I was feeling affectionate and a little emboldened (alright, downright buzzed) by the drinks and I pushed the kissing more than I should have. So, I'm sorry. I definitely think you are an interesting person and I'm not playing games. If we get together again (which I hope) I think something like a movie or another lowkey activity would be nice. And, despite how things ended that evening I'm glad you still see me for the person I try to be. Does that sound OK? John" We've had brief exchanges since but I'm unsure how to go about this further right now (obviously I'm interested in her). The last email to her said something along the lines of I hope my email explained myself OK and that I'm planning on skiing this w/e, etc. Her reply was: "It did make sense and thanks. I've really been busy these past two days. I really just don't feel very good. I think I'm starting to run a fever. I'm going straight to bed tonight. I was going to visit my parents but that is not happening. I might even leave a few mintues early tonight. I hope you have fun this weekend skiing. Talk to you later. Liz." What do you make of this? Should I just give her time and leave her alone for awhile? I really like this girl and think there could be potential. What's the best way to handle it? Write it off due my inconsiderate behavior and move on or be the nice guy that I am and see what happens? Sorry this was so long. John
gfto Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 sorry to say it, but you're out. She used the dreaded term "just friends." That's the ballgame. There's nothing you can do to turn this around.
Author jdubinva Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Thanks for the reply. As she added "right now" to the friends part and has stayed in steady contact when we weren't friends before going out, I think she may see me as someone just looking for action (which I'm not - alright, maybe that night). Perhaps she see wants to see what I'm really like? Why else would she keep the communication open? There are no mutual friends, job partners, etc....
gfto Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 the "right now" means nothing. she's just letting you down easy, instead of saying "just friends" without any qualifications. You're grasping at straws here. And, all this business about not feeling well and going straight to bed is another classic brush off line. We've all used it on someone we weren't interested in. I'd get some new phone numbers if I were you, and stay sober on your next first date!
Author jdubinva Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 The part about not feeling well, etc. was not to get out of a date. It was just in a random email. You're probably right about the just friends part though but this is just more confusing about women. Why say, Talk to you later, and respond to all emails if there's no interest? I know I sure as hell don't.
SuperMonk Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 When it comes to dating and the first impressions, girls may give you only *ONE* or even *TWO* chances before you strike out forever, unlike a guy who will give probably half a dozen or so chances. You struck out on this one, save your pride and learn your lesson to never have too many drinks with a girl. At least 1 per hour.
Author jdubinva Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 She's given me one....I'm hoping for the second. I just don't know why she keeps the communication open if she's trying to blow me off. I haven't even asked her out on the second date yet but am, more or less, apologizing for being an ogre on the first one.
amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 There are some women who will give you a second chance, but on average, yes, I'd say that whenever you get the 'friends' line, that doesn't bode well for you. It depends on how long you've known each other, and how well you have known each other beforehand in a situation like this. People have their guard up early on in a relationship, so one thing or a handful of things that add up to a final judgment about you can really damage whatever dynamic you're trying to build. I've learned that the hard way myself.
gfto Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 The part about not feeling well, etc. was not to get out of a date. It was just in a random email. You're probably right about the just friends part though but this is just more confusing about women. Why say, Talk to you later, and respond to all emails if there's no interest? I know I sure as hell don't. The important thing here is that she LJBF'd you (Let's Just Be Friends). That's the kiss of death. The rest is irrelevant.
Author jdubinva Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 We don't have a history so if she wants to blow me off then she could have done so easily - just say in a friggin email, Thanks for the date but I don't see anything here. There are no reasons to be polite because we don't have mutual acquaintances...I am getting tired of her being coy in her emails to me. But, on the same page, that's why I'm thinking she's still leaving the door open, albeit slightly.
amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 gfto, I've read Doc Love, too...it's not always so cut-and-dry. Granted, I think that in a majority of cases that you're spot on but I would not say that every woman is necessarily so formulaic. If I were this dude, I'd just back off for now and see where things go. Check out the body language. If there's still a spark and if the timing is right maybe he can take another swig, er, swing at it.
Author jdubinva Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 And I was hoping for a womans's perspective on the whole thing.
amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Mmmm....jdub, I hate to say it but if there's no history there, then this is a problem. Hopefully she's got the hots for you, but if not, your boat may have sailed.
Author jdubinva Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 but why take out some long, drawn out approach if she wants to blow me off? God, if that's what she wanted to do just say No thanks - even in an email. Yet, she still responds to my emails and talks about herself. That's why i think she might be a little torn or confused (which probably isn't good for either of us).
amerikajin Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 There may still be some shred of interest on her part, but you never want a woman in this frame of mind - especially early in a relationship. If she's thinking long and hard about whether to go forward, that's not good. In my experience, it seems like women are much better at overriding any kind of urges they may have to go out with a guy they're attracted to if their head gets in the way. If the woman's hot, then it's even more difficult. I can't say you're out, though. Just keep the frequency of e-mail low to moderate. At some point, you might just want to ask her out on another date and see where you stand.
gfto Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Amer, We'll have to agree to disagree on this one! But, I respect your point of view. As Doc says, women don't lie; men don't listen. When a woman uses the term "just friends," she's telling you something very important....she has low interest. He hasn't even asked her for a second date, and she's already saying "just friends" and telling him how busy she has been. It's like a pre-emptive rejection! I think it's very difficult for most people to flat out ignore e-mails. She's too nice to just not reply. That's why she's responding. But, from what I can tell, she isn't initiating any correspondence; she's merely replying to his contacts.
brightskies Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 She said in one of her emails ... : "I'm not going to say you offended me but I was not prepared for you moving so fast when we just met. I'm not sure if you remember what I'm talking about but it did make me feel a little uncomfortable. You are a really sweet guy and I hope it was the drinks. It has just taken me a day or two to recover. I'll keep in touch but I really think we need to just be friends right now. I hope you understand." I'm a female, and I can relate to the girl: you scared her off. In cases where I went on a date and the guy was aggressive and I wasn't ready for it, that was the end of it. It didn't matter how attractive or nice he was, I just wouldn't see him anymore. Do you know anything about her dating history? If she has only recently gotten out of a relationship, she'll be more gun shy. It's likely this won't go any further, but if you're still very interested then your best bet is to maintain friendly contact. Try occasional emails supplemented by phone calls, which are more personal. If she stops responding, won't answer the phone/call you back, keeps making excuses, or won't see you even on a casual date, you'll know that it's over EVEN if she says "let's be friends."
TeaCooler Posted February 22, 2006 Posted February 22, 2006 i'm a female. i say she's turned off by your behavior (which does happen all the time, so don't beat yourself up, you didn't hurt anybody) and isn't planning on seeing you again. now you'll know for next time.
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