mopar crazy Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I still don't trust H 100% and I still don't trust other women 100%. If he can have an A once w/ someone I thought could be my friend, what would stop him from doing it again? The trust is getting better as time passes but it's not totally back to where it was b4 his A 3 years ago. He gets upsets that I don't trust him. And another thing about this trust issue, my H does not trust me, never really has. It just got worse when my ex lover from HS emailed me. I told my H the truth, that we were emailing and chatting. We talked about his family, mine, ect. And at one point he told me we should meet again, I told him no. I told me H and of course he did not like it, can't blame him. So I told my ex I thought it was best if we stopped emailing and chatting so we did. I didn't have to tell my H the truth. He would of never found out about my ex emailing and chatting w/ me but I felt I owed it to him to tell him the truth. So, now b/c of that he has less trust for me. When my ex contacted me it was several years b4 he had his A. My H still says he does not trust me b/c of the contact my ex and I had but yet HE was the one that had an EA and a PA and I'm wrong for not trusting him? This is all screwed up! And if this M fails, it will fail b/c of his attitude. I can't even talk to guy friends w/o him getting jealous and pi$$ed off and asking 50 million ?'s like "Who's that, did you f@ck him?" This has been going on since we got M! He claims he doesn't trust me b/c of the lovers I had b4 we met and that he feels that I'm too good for him. What a bunch of crap! 2nite we both had to get gas. He went b4 me as I stayed at work a little longer. I went to get gas about 15 minutes after he did. We both used ATM Debit cards. Both cards have just my name on it as it was my account and I added him on when we got back together. Anyhow, I go get gas and use my debit card. I hand it to the cashier and she said " You just miss your H, he was just in here a little bit ago?" How did she know he was my H? Obiviosly she reconized my name on both of our cards. I don't know this girl, never seen her b4. H goes in there more than I do. So, I asked her how much he spent b/c H has a truck and it always cost a lot to fill up and so I was curious. She told me the amount right off the top of her head. Thursdays are a busy gas day here b/c they drop the fuel price on Thursdays so needless to say the gas station was busy. I called H and joking around and told him I knew how much he spent on gas and he asked me how I knew. Told him the cashier told me. I asked him, joking around, if it was his new GF. He got defensive and said something negative about the cashier, something about her not being attractive and why would he go for someone like her and he acted pi$$ed. She was far from being attractive, she was very pretty. Maybe he was pi$$ed about the "GF" comment but I've done that b4 and he never gets defensive but this time he did. WTH is up w/ that? We always do things like that... make silly comments about "Oh, is that your BF/GF" just joking around and he's never gotten upset.
My_Other_I Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 he was either in a bad mood or have thought of her. sounds suspicious to me.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 he was either in a bad mood or have thought of her. sounds suspicious to me. That is what I thought. I know he was in a bad mood when he got home b/c him and our son were fighting. When I called him and talked to him about it he said "You called and waisted my time for this?" Jerk! I just thought it was really odd that he got defensive about it, and how did she know I was his W?
My_Other_I Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Maybe at some point she asked for his ID with the card and he said it was his wifes card? People stand out, it could have been a coincidence. Maybe you have a memorable last name?
cal gal Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 MC- Sounds like the reaction my ex used to have when he was guilty... Not saying yours is... but I would stop with any references to anything in the area of another gal and spend your energy keeping your eyes and ears open. You could hire a PI, although I always thought I was better than one I could hire. Trail how much money he has/spends...on what? watch his receipts for his spending habits, where he spends his time away from home, cell phone bills, keylogger on computer etc. Before you EVER confront him IF you find anything - you must have all things IN ORDER to protect yourself before you discuss anything with him!
whats wrong with me Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 How did she know he was my H? Obiviosly she reconized my name on both of our cards. I don't know this girl, never seen asked her how much he spent b/c H has a truck and it always cost a lot to fill up and so I was curious. She told me the amount right off the top of her head. . >>>I'll bet you figure somethings going on with them. I called H and joking around and told him I knew how much he spent on gas and he asked me how I knew. I asked him, joking around, if it was his new GF.. >>Were you really joking? I know I've been in that situation and although I tried to ask jokingly, I was dead serious! He got defensive and said something negative about the cashier, something about her not being attractive and why would he go for someone like her and he acted pi$$ed.. *>>That would have worried the crap out of me, my h used to tell me when a person gets defensive they are guilty. She was far from being attractive, she was very pretty.. >>I'm suprised he didn't say she was fat, thats what my H does. Maybe he was pi$$ed about the "GF" comment but I've done that b4 and he never gets defensive but this time he did. WTH is up w/ that?. >>it is possible that he was having a bad day, or mabey he's just sick of those kind of comments. then again see * above I am a small business owner and deal with all types of situations at work SO after looking at your situation as if I was the cashier, I see things a little differently than looking at them from mine or your point of view. If they (your H and the cashier) were screwin around, she wouldn't have said anything to you. You also said your h goes in that station more than you do. The cashier might see your H as a regular. It is very possible that they have engaged in small talk while waiting on a reciept to print out (or something like that) and he's most likely mentioned you to the cashier. When the cashier noticed the cards matched it just clicked that you were his wife. as for knowing how much gas he got, they may have commented on how expensive gas is and it just stuck in her head. You would be suprised of all the stupid stuff that gets stuck in your head at work (songs and stuff) Your H could be mad about your comment because he had told the cashier his beautiful, sexy wife would be along later to get gas!! and you bursted his bubble.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Maybe at some point she asked for his ID with the card and he said it was his wifes card? People stand out, it could have been a coincidence. Maybe you have a memorable last name? That is what my sil said, about the ID part. I asked H if he has any problems w/ using the ATM card b/c he doesn't have his name on it. He said he didn't. I asked him if that gal at the gas station asked him for it and that is how she knew I was his W. This morning he told me her name, what car she drove, and that they use to work at his last job together so I guess that is how she knows him. I never seen her working there and I've never seen her car there. She has a very unique car so I know which car is hers. I guess I just have to learn to start trusting him but keep my eyes open. >>Were you really joking? I know I've been in that situation and although I tried to ask jokingly, I was dead serious! Could it be possible I was half joking and half being serious? His response was not what I really expected though, the way he got defensive about her. I can't do this anymore, live w/ these trust issues. I'm to the point where I don't want to care so much anymore. I want to just go on w/ my life, be happy and not worry if he would have another A. I know that if he ever does it will be the last time he will do it to me. My self-esteem isn't really high right now. I quit smoking and have gained 10-15 lbs since November. My eating habits didn't really change, I'm more active than I was when I smoked, but I still gained. He mentioned to me that my butt was getting bigger! I know he likes me thinner, I do too. I told him I was going to start smoking again if he is going to critize the weight I put on b/c I'm trying. I know he doesn't find me as attractive but he told me last week he would rather see me weigh 100 lbs more than what I do know instead of smoking, that is how much he hates it. I just find that hard to believe b/c he bitches about my weight all the time. Yes, I'm OW, but I'm not obesed, I need to loose 30 lbs to get to my ideal weight, but he is also several pounds OW and we both know it but I don't critize him about his weight like he does me. I just can't go on living day to day worrying he is going to cheat on me again. I want to have the attitude that if he does, his cheating a$$ will be out the door and I will go on w/ my life. I'm tired of being jealous, and mistrusting.
whats wrong with me Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 This morning he told me her name, what car she drove, and that they use to work at his last job together so I guess that is how she knows him. That is crap! he was almost out of the doghouse and he had to go be a "man". Why didn't he tell you that last night while you were upset? Did he need extra time to think of an excuse/reason of why she knew him? It's real hard for me to see it from the cashiers point of view NOW. I guess I just have to learn to start trusting him but keep my eyes open. I didn't see anybody say you should trust him! I agree now with some of the other posters, check. I can't do this anymore, live w/ these trust issues. I'm to the point where I don't want to care so much anymore.I'm tired of being jealous, and mistrusting believe it or not I feel the same way. When I look at your situation from my point of view....because you H got so defensive and basically lied about what she looked like.... it looks like you H might have had a relationship w/ the cashier before. I dont think the cashier would have said anything to you if she was messing w/ your H right now ( at least not while she's at work). If I was you and I was able to, I'd talk to the cashier when she's not busy. I'd say something like ...why did my H dump you?.. that will either put her on the defensive and she'll spill her guts or .... she'll wonder what the hell your talking about and think you're nuts (which isn't really a bad thing) and I'll bet she wont come within 10 feet of your H!!! (or you) Oh if you ever find a way to not give a **** tell me how you did it!! I want to have the attitude that if he does, his cheating a$$ will be out the door if only we could buy some of this attitude at Walmart!!!!
Author mopar crazy Posted February 18, 2006 Author Posted February 18, 2006 When I look at your situation from my point of view....because you H got so defensive and basically lied about what she looked like.... it looks like you H might have had a relationship w/ the cashier before. I dont think the cashier would have said anything to you if she was messing w/ your H right now ( at least not while she's at work). If I was you and I was able to, I'd talk to the cashier when she's not busy. I'd say something like ...why did my H dump you?.. that will either put her on the defensive and she'll spill her guts or .... she'll wonder what the hell your talking about and think you're nuts (which isn't really a bad thing) and I'll bet she wont come within 10 feet of your H!!! (or you) Oh if you ever find a way to not give a **** tell me how you did it!! Omgosh, I don't think I could actually ask her that b/c I would feel really stupid and a nut job if she had no clue what I was talking about. If she did/is messing around w/ H I honestly don't think she would of mentioned him coming in there, but then again maybe she doesn't care she is having an A w/ a MM. A part of me doesn't believe there is anything going on b/c he is always home. And if he is gone our kids are usually w/ him. I just don't know when he would have the time. But I hope that I'm not in denial of something that could be going on, ya know what I mean? All I know is that I wont put up w/ it and I'm going to try so hard not to show my hurt the second time around, if it happens. I can't live day to day worried that he is having an A. Life is too short to be worried about it. If he is and the M ends I know I can find a good man who will treat me right and not cheat on me.
whats wrong with me Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Omgosh, I don't think I could actually ask her that b/c I would feel really stupid and a nut job if she had no clue what I was talking about. you probably would feel stupid but its not like you ever HAVE to see her again, think about it...would you recognize her if she passed you on the street A part of me doesn't believe there is anything going on b/c he is always home. And if he is gone our kids are usually w/ him. I just don't know when he would have the time. no he's probably not (right now) how old are your kids? my H used to take my daughter with him when she was 5. Then later she would tell me about "her friend". I'd ask my H about it and he'd always say "Oh, there was a little girl there" What he didn't know is I had been following him from time to time, and my daughters "friend" who was a "little girl" was a 40 year old ReMax B*tch, who he was f***ing But I hope that I'm not in denial of something that could be going on, ya know what I mean? yea I do All I know is that I wont put up w/ it wish I could say that and really mean it, I make things hard on my H (by watching his every move) but he still does what he wantsand I'm going to try so hard not to show my hurt the second time around, Good luck on that, everytime I find something that implys he may be cheating, I get emotional. When I do that he is just more careful not to get caughtif it happens. I can't live day to day worried that he is having an A.I know, it's driving me nuts (for real) Life is too short to be worried about it. If he is and the M ends I know I can find a good man who will treat me right and not cheat on me. I'm an *sshole magnet, I've never met a guy that good:( I have to say you seem to be holding up well.
silktricks Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 Trail how much money he has/spends...on what? watch his receipts for his spending habits, where he spends his time away from home, cell phone bills, keylogger on computer etc. Before you EVER confront him IF you find anything - you must have all things IN ORDER to protect yourself before you discuss anything with him! I'd rather just leave.
Guest33 Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 I'm surprised you didn't ask her how she knew that you were the wife. I honestly don't think she would bring up your husband if she was cheating, unless it was a nervous reaction. Your husband going nuts, might be from a bad day or he is at least guilty on fantasizing about her.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 I'm surprised you didn't ask her how she knew that you were the wife. I honestly don't think she would bring up your husband if she was cheating, unless it was a nervous reaction. Your husband going nuts, might be from a bad day or he is at least guilty on fantasizing about her. Guest33, believe me I'm kicking myself for not asking her how she knows him. As soon as I got half way home I thought to myself why I didn't ask her how she knows him. I have a habit of doing that, thinking of something to say after it's too late.
OldEurope Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 MC, you do not need to be kicking yourself about anything, you have endured enough. Now a question.... I AM one for using time extremely wisely and productively as I know you are, and snooping and sleuthing about sounds about as appealing as enduring a bikini wax while listening to State of the Union addresses....BUT have you thought of, um, hanging out somewhere nearby aforementioned gas station, around the time you think hubby might go there, and seeing if there is anything more than the car that is getting its fill? Just a thought....
a4a Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Voice activated tape recorder hidden in the car works well too.... and for that matter in your home. Never know what you may pick up on in conversations when you are not there.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 OE and a4a, I hate that it has come to this. I feel like such a fool. One reason b/c what if there is nothing going on and I'm freaking out for no reason, and the other is if there is something going on and I haven't been trying to figure out what. I refuse to be played a fool again. Where can I get one of those voice activated recorders?
silktricks Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 Don't do it mopar - sneaking around for either person is NOT good. I really really really understand. For about a year I positively beat myself up that I didn't plant software on the PC, find out what was going on, follow him, etc. Finally though I realized that would only have made me as sneaky as he/they were. Don't lower yourself to that level. Talk to him. Tell him how scared and worried you are. If you can't get by the past, leave him, but don't turn yourself into a sneak. A sneak is just another kind of liar.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 20, 2006 Author Posted February 20, 2006 Don't do it mopar - sneaking around for either person is NOT good. I really really really understand. For about a year I positively beat myself up that I didn't plant software on the PC, find out what was going on, follow him, etc. Finally though I realized that would only have made me as sneaky as he/they were. Don't lower yourself to that level. Talk to him. Tell him how scared and worried you are. If you can't get by the past, leave him, but don't turn yourself into a sneak. A sneak is just another kind of liar. Your right silk, I would feel sneaky and I would hate to do that to him if nothing was going on. I just don't know what to do. I just wish I could talk to him about this w/o him getting frustrated w/ me b/c I don't trust him. I want to trust him, but I just can't give him all my trust again.
silktricks Posted February 20, 2006 Posted February 20, 2006 It'll come with time. You may want to explain to him that you really want BADLY to trust him, but that you're very scared of being hurt again. Let him know that everytime you get scared and he's willing to help you through it that it helps you regain trust. Betrayal runs deep.
StrivingtoSucceed Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 Hello, Mopar - I agree with Silk. I wouldn't do any voice-activated stuff. I thought about it myself. Initially I was going to buy one and put it under his desk so I could hear their conversations to see if he was really telling me the truth. After about a day of thinking about it I decided that not only was I better than that, but more importantly, realized that if I had to use a voice-recorder because I didn't trust him, then I didn't need to be married to him anymore. Yes, trust is broken after the A, and hard to fix. But I think that would just make it worse ... for both of you. What if he found it? Of course, his actions caused the lack of trust; however, you are working at rebuilding your marriage. Showing that you really, really don't trust him and are willing to go so far as record him when he doesn't know it, would be a betrayal to him. At some point in time we have to trust them again, otherwise we wouldn't be able to stay married. We can't stay in that void where we are so unsure of not only ourselves, but our marriages very long without decreasing our self-esteem and becoming totally unhappy ourselves. Maybe you should look at it as what you lost was your blind-trust ... where you KNEW, just KNEW that it could never happen to you. Your trust really is still there ... you trust him with your kids, with his employment, etc. What it is, is that now you know you have to look out for things that could impact you and your marriage in a negative way ... is that really so bad? I don't know the answer to that though ... as you know, I'm still where you are too. I would think it isn't as bad as all that, you see something that could impact it in a negative way and take actions to ensure that it doesn't ... before it becomes an affair. Easy to say though, and harder to do.
Author mopar crazy Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 Thanks Silk and Striving. What you said made me feel so much better. We had a short talk about this woman at the convienance store. I asked him how she would know who I was. He told me that she probably knew me b/c they worked 2gether. I went to see H at work a lot when he worked there. She was fired from there so maybe she didn't work there long enough for me to see her car. She is the same woman that he defended a few months ago b/c she is an OW, or was. She was the one that I posted about awhile ago where the W punched her and was sent to jail.
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