pandnh4 Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 hey everyone... so it's been almost 9 days of nc now with my ex... after a brief reconciliation a couple of weeks ago, she resumed her demanding, abusive, and antagonistic patterns... picking fights, calling me names, and overall just looking for every possible reason to get upset at me... choosing to get angry first and ask questions later, losing trust at every step, and relying on coincidence and assumption to guide her when looking for issues... so tuesday of last week, after things seemed to be getting better, she flipped out on me again over the phone about an old gift card from me that she hadn't cashed in on yet... superficial and materialistic, i know!!! well she ends up yelling at me that she didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore, that she no longer wanted to spend my b-day with me (last saturday), and then hung up... i left a message for her later that night but never got a response... so nc from that point on... on saturday she sent me a text message wishing me a happy birthday to which i never responded... nothing on valentine's day either... for several days i didn't really feel sad or angry, just pretty much indifferent and empty... everyone keeps telling me it's better off without her, that she was too materialistic and conceited to make a good companion... the past several days however, i've been feeling anxious here and there and it feels like loneliness is starting to settle more and more... over a week later!!! it's really hard to get her out of my mind... whenever i do think of her i try to remind myself of all the awful things she said and did and refused to work on... i myself am far from perfect and have changed for the better, always working on issues and growing from them, so i'm convinced that she can too and become this wonderful person but it will only be for someone else... what really upsets me too, perhaps stemming from my own insecurities, is that a girl like her is bound to find someone who will cater to her, regardless of how she acts... i mean, she's the type who makes heads turn, so any well-to-do schmo can keep her happy and she'll probably go along with it... it frustrates me thinking that she can/will find someone better than me and she'll be happy... i know at this point that she doesn't have much to offer aside her good looks and many people tell me she is *damaged* goods anyway but i'm just jealous thinking she'll be happier than me in the long run... it's hard to keep myself busy and seek out new people/endeavours at this point... nc has helped me a little so far although i've still been checking up on her on myspace... just last night she finally got rid of the last trace of *us* from her profile... it kinda hurt when i realized it this morning... man, i don't know where i'm going with this right now... i'm just feeling a little lost and looking for support... i thought things were ok since a week went by and it wasn't so bad but things are really starting to sting now for some reason... =(
CaliGuy Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 In this case I agree with your friends. You're better off without her in the long run. Her abusive behavior will correlate to all her relationships so not matter who dates her after this, they're going to either dump her or get dumped by her. It's just a matter of time. My question to you is "Don't you feel you deserve better?" Who cares how hot looking she is if she doesn't have the personality to match?? There's a much better woman out there for you. You know you don't want to be in an abusive relationship. In fact, you'll be happier without her (eventually) than you were with her. That too is only a matter of time. Stick it out. It's hard at first but keep reminding yourself of all her bad qualities and that will help you stick to NC. Start spoiling yourself. Get to the gym, hang out with friends, dive into a hobby. There are many things you can do to keep your mind occupied while time works it's magic.
Bubster Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Another thing is to stop visiting her “my space” thingy. That’s indirectly breaking nc! And if u find yourself tempted, remove it from (if their is) your list of buddies. Delete all means of contact, and msg’s in your phone, and hide things that she gave u, or remind u of her. Sure she might turn out happier in her future, but the real question is, if she is in your life, will u b better off? I recon you’ll b happier in the long run without her. While in nc, try get used 2 her not being a part of your life. Do u respect yourself enough to walk away from an abusive relationship? And if she does come crawling back, don’t reply to her without posting here! Good luck
Author pandnh4 Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 thanx for the responses guys... as far as myspace is concerned, one week ago to this day i removed her from my friends list, changed my status to single, and removed all pics of us... it wasn't until a couple of days later that she changed her status as well, and then removed the last pic of us from her profile on the day after valentine's... i guess that's when it really hit me that she's really moving on... i thought i was ahead in the healing/moving on process but then the anxiety and loneliness began to settle in... almost like a delayed reaction or something... not to mention a friend of mine mentioned that he saw her at a bar last friday with some friends; for some reason it really upset me and made me curious what might have happened... then it really upset me too that she texted me on my birthday, not even a phone call (when a while back she was saying how she wanted to do all these things for me, including a picnic, massage, nookie, etc...) honestly, i believe i respect myself enough to not be in an abusive relationship but at the same time i feel alot of guilt for contributing to the issues between us... after all, i'm not perfect and i did sometimes add fuel to the fights in the beginning... i did, however, learn to control my anger and temper and prevent myself from saying more hurtful things but i keep feeling like i did enough damage by not being in complete control in the beginning... she always blamed me for her negative changes, saying that she never had those types of issues in relationships before and never felt jealous and insecure... according to her it was my fault she became that way... as much as i tried to work things out and showed my determination to be a better person, she just kept picking fights with me and becoming more and more demanding, becoming hostile and threatening when she wouldn't get her way... my therapist and friends say that she may have been trying to punish me for some of the things i had previouslysaid and done and not trying to reward change and progress... they also fault her for not being able to assume responsibility and always seeking to dodge feedback or help... i don't know, i guess i just regret some things and wonder if i had known to always remain composed maybe things would be better today and that she would've never changed... my friends, however, seem to think otherwise; that these passive-aggressive characteristics are inherent to her personality and that they would've surfaced sooner or later because she is a spoiled little brat... =(
UT_longhorn Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 sorry to tell you this, but the first couple weeks are just the begining of a long journey. It does get a tiny tiny bit easier every week. im almost at week 7 and it still sucks. i think everyone heals at their own pace, but how ever long it takes...its just going to suck really bad. just keep telling yourself...in time you will be better. keep to NC and move forward. you WILL get better.
Ruff Ryder Posted February 18, 2006 Posted February 18, 2006 To climb a moutain you need to take the first step. 9 days is good keep it up you will only feel better with time.
Author pandnh4 Posted February 19, 2006 Author Posted February 19, 2006 so far the weekends have been the hardest for me cause that's when i have the most free time... i tried calling a buddy earlier but he was just getting up and i haven't heard back yet... spent most of the afternoon just watching tv and wasting time on the computer... all this free time just keeps reminding me that i used to spend my weekends with her... it's hard to get myself to stop thinking about her; often i am wondering what she's doing at the moment, who she's with, what she's thinking and feeling, borderline obsessing about her... it's so hard to resist checking up on her online as well even though i know it's breaking the very principles set forth by nc... i wish i could focus more on myself but free time, loneliness, and a broken heart are not great companions... there are plenty of things i think of doing but when it comes down to it i just get lazy and lack motivation... it feels like i'm still in some sort of denial about this breakup... my dad asked me earlier over the phone if i was really hoping for some sort of reconciliation or change on her part and he got upset at me when i responded that i kind of was... i know that she is moving on, or at least trying to, and not looking back... of course i shouldn't care and waste my time on her but i am upset about her choices and hurt by the rejection... my self-esteem is kinda up in the air; if she doesn't want me and was constantly looking for drama then yes, she obviously didn't love me anymore, but that is the part that gets to me most...
sanne Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 what your experiencing is quite possibly the hardest part about the separation. i think most people who were in abusive relationships realize that they do deserve better. it's the loneliness and abruptness of change that gets to them. it's very easy to confuse this loneliness for wanting your ex back when all you are looking for is someone to fill in the void that is now there. nobody said this was going to be easy, hell it might even be one of the toughest things you have to do. you are going to have to rebuild your life and start over again. what you need to know is that this will not happen overnight so don't be so hard on yourself. set small goals for yourself and focus on healing and getting better. time is your best friend right now.
Author pandnh4 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 well tonight will be two weeks since the breakup and no contact... though i've been guilty of indirectly breaking nc... i just can't get myself to stop checking up on her online, i really need help and support... sometimes while i'm sitting around at home or work i start to feel really anxious and begin wondering about her... the thoughts of her moving on, not caring anymore, finding someone else, and that this next person is or will be *better* than me... it drives me nuts and then i log on and check up on her and see changes to her profile and her life overall and it sends me into shock... hurts me even more than my previous thoughts... i just don't know how to deal with this; i don't feel like i have the strength or willpower... i'm borderline obsessing over her and can't get her out of my head... you would think that over time things would get easier but for me it feels like they are becoming much much worse... almost as if time passing confirms more and more the reality of things... i really don't know how to handle this... there is so much i want, so many things i want to do, yet i feel powerless and apathetic... everything gets to me and i feel so much jealousy and envy coupled with hatred and anger... =(
UT_longhorn Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 hey...why are you torturing yourself??? you know that if you keep checking her online stuff, its not helping you move on at all. its just going to cause internal turmoil. hey. stop doing that. come on dude...thats like scratching at a big cut you just put stitches on. read some self help books. post online. write a journal..but do not check on her online.
fooled Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 I know - just reading your post makes me revisit those feelings myself. I felt a lot like you at the point you are at. I hated it. I obsessed. All I thought or talked about was the relationship. What you are going through is natural. It may be extreme, as I think mine was - but natural. Try to stop wondering about the "whys" and "ifs." The cycle I was in was I would miss her - rather - the feeling of being with her - then I realized how horribly she treated me - and the specifics hurt like h*ll. The jealousy still does if I let it. It will get easier. Every week you DON'T talk to her - see her - look at her pictures, websites, etc - gets easier. I know there are a lot of triggers to these emotions. Know that. Own it. Expect it. And when you expect it, you can prepare yourself. Either by working through it or shielding yourself. When you want to check on her online - post here instead. When you want to call her - post here. And when you're angry, and jealous, and miserable. Pretend she doesn't exist anymore - because in your life, she doesn't. And it is YOUR life.
Author pandnh4 Posted February 21, 2006 Author Posted February 21, 2006 thanx guys... i feel so pathetic about this sometimes, how i just can't resist knowing what's going on in her life... i realize i can't control her thoughts, emotions, or actions, and that she is no longer a part of my life... yet something inside of me still *hopes* that she will see the light... last night over the phone my father was almost yelling at me that she was an irrational b*tch with gold-digger tendencies and that i fell for a materialistic, superficial girl... the problem is that i'm always looking for redeeming qualities in people because i strive to not be judgemental... and when i run out of them i start playing the self-blame game and keep thinking that i was also guilty... to tango takes two, of course, but i still can't help but feel that if only i had responded better at times, or even better, not responded, she might have never become this way... it's hard for me to see that she was *poison* to begin with, as my mother puts it, because then i feel rotten thinking that i had so much hope for a lost cause anyway... i'm not perfect, i've done some pretty rotten things too, but i always took responsibility and accepted blame, sometimes too much... i'm just tired of feeling worse and worse about this... i've got some books for help and have the support of a therapist who i've been seeing since my previous breakup over a year ago... unfortunately i feel like i'm in exactly the same place i was a year ago except for the fact that i'm a bit wiser, more mature, and don't smoke anymore...i really hope it will get better, i just had so much good faith in this young lady, she was so charming for the first several months and then it all started to fall to pieces... i know i would've been justified to break things off with her a while back but this rejection from her side has got me stuck on a mobius strip...
sanne Posted February 21, 2006 Posted February 21, 2006 1 week of NC is great, but if you really want to get over this girl you will probably have to implement NC for a long time before you can talk to her. I made the mistake of contacting my ex after 3-4 months, and it put me back at square one. Doing NC all over again was not fun......., although I am almost 100% better now. Keep up the good work man, and best of luck.
Author pandnh4 Posted February 22, 2006 Author Posted February 22, 2006 i'm really going to try to avoid checking up on her... i agree that it's self-torture and i have no idea why i do it... like i said, i guess something inside of me still hopes that she will snap out of it... maybe she'll leave a hint on her page, or perhaps she'll contact me, i don't know... as much as everyone tells me that there is too much water under the bridge and that the relationship is doomed now as it was months ago, nothing seems to sink in with me... i did make a promise to my father last night to try to not check up on her but even i have my doubts about whether i can do it... i just don't want her to move on, i don't want her to let go and stop loving me, i don't want her to find someone else and be happy/happier with him... i know i can't control these things but i feel as little in control of things in my life too... how i could move on, have more friends, find a better job, make more money, etc... i feel anxious all the time, i thought i was ok but it's becoming harder to sleep, eat, and keep focused on anything... sorry, just feel like venting a bit... i'm keeping off of myspace alltogether today though, maybe that will help... just yesterday i went through some of my older posts... my oldest one, from back in august, involved the mixed signals i was getting from her after a couple of months into the relationship... of course once we slept together things changed considerably... i also found one from back in november where she got upset over an old, outdated, and inactive personal ad of mine from before we were dating... although everyone agreed that she was entitled to being upset about it, that sparked our first *real* fight as she became very antagonistic over the issue... wouldn't let me talk, would make false assumptions, and made spiteful remarks and threats just to hurt me... again, while it was justified to get peeved about the issue, she really went overboard, and it seems like from that point on these habits of hers persisted... she just kept getting more upset over everything...
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