Guest Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 I had a relationship with someone I work with and we have been split up for almost 4 months now. Here's the background: We were together over the past summer and he left his wife and kids to be with me. At first told him not to do that as I didn't think he would want to to be a part time dad. I told him that if he and his wife have mutual respect for each other that they should work on things for the sake of their kids. He left his family anyway saying the situation at home was not good and my we ended up together. He moved in with me and after a while he missed his kids a lot (not seeing them daily really impacted him) and he regretted his decision to leave his family and indicated to me that I was always going to be an outsider. When he said that, it tore a hole in my heart and we split up. When we first split up, he said that he wouldn't have left me if it were not for his kids, but I think that too was a lie. We are trying to keep things professional, but its hard to see him everyday or even see his name on emails. Even when I don't see him physically, I see him in my dreams every night. Makes me not want to sleep anymore. So any advice on how to do NC when I have to deal with him on a work environment? I don't want to quit my job as I love what I do and the other people that I work with.
MassiveAtom Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Hi, It really sucks that you have to go through this. Breaking up is hard to do, and even harder when you face the person daily. Couple questions, Do you HAVE to see him everyday. I mean do you work directly with him?Do you have any vacation time you can use?Do you want to let go of the relationship?Do you have a therapist? It's vital that you figure out some way to lower your exposure to this person, and exorcize him from your mind. The dreams are subconscious signals -of what I can't say, But you're probably under extreme stress. That can make you physically ill. So be careful. As far as his role. You cna't expect that he even WANTS to see you after going back to his wife. He probably has latent feelings of anger toward you, and MAY even blame you to a degree. Looking forward to hearing back, I'll watch this thread. hope that helps, be well, take care... MA
skeptik224 Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I tend to think a little differently about it. I don't necessarily think he'll harbor angry feelings toward you. He made the conscious choice to leave his wife. If he wasn't having issues with his wife, he wouldn't have left. I can tell you that if they have not worked on the issues that pushed him to leave in the first place, there's a chance he may be back. 2nd chances won't survive if they don't work on what tore them apart in the first place. I, too, would like to know how close you both work with each other. Being the "other person" is never a good thing. It winds up kicking you in the ass. Seeing as you can't get away from him, I'd strongly recommend that you do see a therapist - if you aren't already. It's hard enough to get over a lost love let alone one you have to see all the time. I, too, will be watching this thread...
CaliGuy Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 Find another job. Honestly this is a great example of why you should never date someone you work with. I've done it and learned my lesson and I will NEVER do it again.
Guest Posted February 17, 2006 Posted February 17, 2006 I tend to think a little differently about it. I don't necessarily think he'll harbor angry feelings toward you. He made the conscious choice to leave his wife. If he wasn't having issues with his wife, he wouldn't have left. I can tell you that if they have not worked on the issues that pushed him to leave in the first place, there's a chance he may be back. 2nd chances won't survive if they don't work on what tore them apart in the first place. I, too, would like to know how close you both work with each other. Being the "other person" is never a good thing. It winds up kicking you in the ass. Seeing as you can't get away from him, I'd strongly recommend that you do see a therapist - if you aren't already. It's hard enough to get over a lost love let alone one you have to see all the time. I, too, will be watching this thread... Skeptic, you are right. He has said to me many times after the split that he places the blame on himself and that in hindsight that he should have worked on his marriage as I encouraged him to do. From what he has told me about the situation at home it didn't sound healthy. From what I can gather, she was emotionally unkind (abusive) to him. I don't think she was respectful of him. This is from scenarios/situations that he described to me prior to being together. Since we broke up, he changed his tune and started telling me all their problems is a result of his various complexes. That he was unhappy with himself and that he tried to have me in his life to turn that around... yada yada yada (pyschological bs). I loved him a lot (on some level, I am sure I still do becuase thinking about him still hurts) so I do hope that he and his wife will be able to work things out for the sake of the kids. I think that all kids deserve to grow up with loving parents (biological or not). At one point I really wanted to share that with him, that we can show his kids a that a happy relationship can be rewarding and good. Since that is no longer an option, then I hope that they can work on their marriage and provide to their kids what they deserve. Unfortunately, Massive, I don't have any holidays and I had a counsellor who I was working with on this so that's lucky for me. She is making herself available to me whenever I need her. I don't see him everyday, we communicate via email everyday. But since we are on the same project, I do see him quite frequently during the week. We do have to correspond by email and I try to keep them to a minimum. We kept our relationship to ourselves so only very close friends/colleagues of ours know about us. Its harder because I have to pretend nothing is wrong in my life. People mention his name all the time not knowing I'm trying not to think about him and I just listen and nod and pretend like its any other normal topics of conversation. Caliguy, changing jobs is currently not an option but will be in a few months due to contractual obligations. Its hard for me as I've been with so many companies that I know a great working commardarie is hard to find these days and I have that with many of my colleagues. So during these few months, I am wondering how I can do NC with this guy. You are absolutely right and I thought twice about dipping my nib in the office ink, but I've never felt a connection with anyone like I did with him. In one of my recent dreams, he came to and told me that he didn't want to be married to his wife anymore and that I was the only one he wanted to be with. In that dream, I was able to tell him to be fair to me and to not put me through what he did again and that I needed him out of my life. That's sub-concious progress, right? I tell myself before I sleep and before I wake up that we will not ever be together again because even if he wants to, I cannot handle possibility of going through the pain again.
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