Totah Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 Hello everyone. Thanks for your opinions in advance. Mods, if this is the wrong section, please move to a more appropriate one. Prelude: I met a fantastic girl last November! We immediately felt a profound connection that neither of us had ever experienced before. Problem was, and IS, that she’s living with her boyfriend of nine years, but (and that was very important to me) they had essentially broken up, and he moving out was just the final formality. Despite all sorts of warnings from friends, we started to hang out and on New Years finally opened up and told each other how we felt. We love each other and for the first time I am certain that I want to be with someone. I trust her and suspect no foul play from her in the scenario that shall unfold below. Adagio Over the past month or so, her ‘ex’ has been pressuring her about who I am and why we were spending so much time together. It got to the degree where she had to admit to seeing me (though she is very clever and may have told him to drive home the point that it is over between them). So, she after mind-f***ing her for the last month or so (by not letting her go to sleep, asking her details about her meetings with me and threatening her verbally), she gave him various ultimatums to move out, but he didn’t. We live at the same apartment complex (what are the chances?), and I am employed by the complex and thus can’t say the things to him I would like to. I told her that she should not be intimidated by him and with the flat under her name, she could get him out at any time. Prestissimo Last Monday, I was called at three in the morning by a mutual friend of ours that she is at his place (he lives right below her), crying and totally out of it. I got over there ASAP and she told me that everything exploded; he threatened to kill her, me and himself. Great! I had never seen anyone so scared. We moved her into another flat the next day (…do I respect my boss now!). On Wednesday, she went over his place again to talk to him, despite my advice not to see him alone. Apparently, they had a good chat and she felt better about the situation and the break-up with him. He showed her the noose in the kitchen where he wanted to hang himself Tuesday and his good-bye letter. While I am glad that she found closure (or something) I can see how he is mind-f***ing her again and putting her on yet another guilt trip. He hates my guts (understandably) and is making requests (like for her not to see me until he moves away etc.). Afterwards I went to see her and told her what I thought, which she interpreted as some sort of lecture that was supposed to make her feel bad. This morning she called and said that she feels pressured by me for telling her that he is manipulating her, that she should not have gone back to his place by herself, and that she needs to break up with him her way. She said she needed some time by herself and that we should not see each other for a while. Tadaa, here is my dilemma: What is all this about? I know she won’t get back together with him no matter what he’s saying. I am willing to give her as much time as she needs and help her to get over this (nine years is an awfully long time). However, he knows her weak points (one of them is to always trying to be friends with everyone) and while he may have accepted the fact that their relationship is over, he is now using that weakness against our (latent) relationship. I can feel, and so can she, how we have drifted apart a bit in the last 24 hours. I talked to her this afternoon, kissed her, and I told her that I’ll support her. While I am more than willing to let her do this on her own, it does not take clairvoyance to see that she will end up hurt again. By talking to him, he’ll probably think that she’s giving him another chance, giving him time to prolong this game indefinitely. I’ll I want her to be strict about this. So do I let the woman I love get hurt again, or do I step in there and take over (which is potentially more damaging for our relationship)? I have no doubts that her feelings for me a genuine, but we are in for some difficult times. Am I just trying to hard to make this work?
LucreziaBorgia Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 1. This morning she called and said that she feels pressured by me for telling her that he is manipulating her, that she should not have gone back to his place by herself, and that she needs to break up with him her way. She said she needed some time by herself and that we should not see each other for a while. 2. Tadaa, here is my dilemma: What is all this about? I know she won’t get back together with him no matter what he’s saying. I am willing to give her as much time as she needs and help her to get over this (nine years is an awfully long time). 3. However, he knows her weak points (one of them is to always trying to be friends with everyone) and while he may have accepted the fact that their relationship is over, he is now using that weakness against our (latent) relationship. I can feel, and so can she, how we have drifted apart a bit in the last 24 hours. I talked to her this afternoon, kissed her, and I told her that I’ll support her. 4. I’ll I want her to be strict about this. So do I let the woman I love get hurt again, or do I step in there and take over (which is potentially more damaging for our relationship)? I have no doubts that her feelings for me a genuine, but we are in for some difficult times. Am I just trying to hard to make this work? 1. "Break up with him her way" = without your interference, and on her own time schedule and convenience "She said she needed some time by herself and that we should not see each other for a while." = breakup - could be temporary, could be permenent - it entirely depends on what happens with this other guy 2. What's it all about? On some level, she still needs this guy in her life no matter how destructive or manipulative he is. Just like a crack addict 'needs' crack, she might 'need' this guy on some level - not everything we 'need' is good. Sometimes the bad things appeal to some part of our psyche that even the best of intentions can't tear us away from. Maybe she's co-dependent? It doesn't really matter, because at this point you can't really change anything because she has shut you out. 3. She's struggling, hence the drift - guilt and obligation is pulling her both ways right now. Guilt at hurting you, guilt at wanting to keep seeing this guy despite her knowing its not a good idea, obligation to him and his manipulative emotional blackmail, obligation to you and what good things you have to offer, etc. 4. She will get hurt because she is putting herself in a position to be hurt - despite the fact that she knows better. She's doing this to herself, and she's apparently determined. If you try to step in, you can add 'anger and resentment' to her shortlist of emotions she has for you right now. She may be trying to protect you on some level as well, both from that guy AND from herself (she's bound to know she is setting you up to be hurt by her). Her feelings are no doubt genuine, but sometimes genuine feelings aren't enough to overcome negative emotional addictions to other people. You can offer her support, and be protective from a distance, and even step in if you think she is in physical danger (ie - you call the cops if she is being assaulted or you hear about her being assaulted and help her file a report if she lets you). Its all you can do, considering she has already given you the "space" excuse and hit the drift within a short period of time. Give her time, be watchful, be supportive - try to keep positive and expect the best, but also be prepared for the worst. There's no telling how this will turn out.
whichwayisup Posted February 16, 2006 Posted February 16, 2006 This is why it's best for the person to be alone and sort things out before jumping right into another relationship SO quickly after one ends...Though it seems the ex is still there and she's confused. Back off, and if things were meant to happen between you two, it will when it is supposed to happen. You can't force it to happen because you want it to. If the timing is wrong, the timing is wrong - Look around, take a step back and see all the signs.
Author Totah Posted February 17, 2006 Author Posted February 17, 2006 Thank you for your replies. While objectivity is something that can never be truly achieved, views by those not involved tend to be more objective than those of the people involved. i now have some more angles to look at the situation and it will help me to make quasi-informed decisions (quasi because i love the girl and reason tends to succumb to emotion). since i posted my problem, i will post the conclusion as soon as it happens.
Sami_D Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 A woman who has this much drama in her life is well worth avoiding.
No Stress Lady Posted February 19, 2006 Posted February 19, 2006 A woman who has this much drama in her life is well worth avoiding. Totally agree with you Sami - sounds like bad news to me
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