Ex girlfirend back in contact, should I try and be her friend?

[pistol]

I posted a question here about three weeks ago and I got some really great advice back, it was with regards to my ex-girlfriend, we had been out of contact for about two months after trying to be friends, I thought I was never going to hear from her again, and to be honest I was slowly getting use to that fact, then low and behold I heard from her again. Only now I only seem to be more confused, I was really hoping that someone or someone's might be kind enough to give me some independent advice as I feel thats really what I need, I only hope I explain this right.

 

To give an explanation. My ex-girlfriend and I are 23 and 25 respectively, we had been dating for three and a half years, in which we had been travelling together for a year, we have been through many emotional rollercoasters together, some good some bad. My ex, as some might remember from my last thread has what you might call baggage, she suffers from manic depression, bulimia and anorexia. which has plagued her for almost half of her life. When we broke up it wasn't because either of us cheated or anything like that, it had just gotten bad.

 

I felt I had never really gotten closure from the relationship and I always found that really hard to bear. Well a day before my birthday, she started texting me all of a sudden, wishing me a happy birthday and telling me how lost she has been without me, and that she doesn't know who she is without me, and that she loves me. After a long think, and probably weakness I texted back. We talked and eventually met a few times, I kept it very cool and uncomplicated I waited for her to initialize things and tried to show her that I had changed and was getting on with my life, we went for drink, cinema, drives and it was amazing. Although it kind of felt like we were glossing over things and weren't talking about the nitty gritty and I really felt myself going backwards again from within, the way she ended it last time really hurt, and I really wanted to avoid going through that pain again. I decided I would rather take pain now than much furher down the line.

 

So I sat her down and asked her what she meant by those messages, she said that she really missed me and wanted to hear from me, I asked her does she want friendship or more. Her response was that she is so messed up at the moment that she needs to sort herself out first, try and make herself happy again before she can even think about going into a relationship with anyone, she just couldn't handle a relationship in her current state of mind, which i do kind of agree with. I had to be honest with her and tell her that I don't think at the moment I could just be her friend without having motives towards a relationship, I was scared that I wouldn't be any good as a friend to her, and that it would lead to me being all messed up in the head again. Which I was. We cried, hugged, and told each other how much we loved one another, and that was it I walked away.

 

Next day, I couldn't go to work everytime I spoke to someone I just burst into tears, I text her and told her how I was feeling and she said she was exactly the same, and that she loved me so much and was so confused, before going to bed I received this message from her

 

" i HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND. IT'S SO HARD. I BLAME MYSELF FOR ALOT THAT WENT WRONG IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. THE WAY I AM. I WANT DESPERATELY TO SORT MYSELF OUT. SO I'M NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, IT HURTS! I NEED TIME - EVERYTHING IS STILL SO SAW AND PAINFUL. WHATS MEANT TO BE WILL BE. BECAUSE I CAN'T IMAGINE EVER WANTING TO BE WITH ANYONE ELSE. X X"

 

I haven't replied. What does this mean? What should I do? I love her but it could take months and then she might change her mind, this is so hard. Please help.

[Devildog]

What does this mean? It means she still has you on the line. It means you are still securely in place as her safety net. It means she still has plenty of time to "get her head together" (see: finding someone better) because she knows you are still hung up on her.

 

Let me take a peak into my crystal ball here: I see her calling and texting every few months or so just when you are starting to get past the feelings. But she still won't be ready for a relationship. she will express her feelings for you, and get you to express yours and feel those feelings all over again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

 

And there will be two possible outcomes. She will find someone else and suddenly "be ready for a relationship" with him. Or you will move on. She will call back some time shortly after you get into a new relationship. And suddenly, when you are no longer her safety net, she will suddenly be ready to give it another try with you.

 

And then you might end the new relationship because you think you are still hung up on her. And the second chance won't last very long, because now that she has you again, she won't want you anymore.

 

Tell her you are ready to start moving on with your life. And that she can come along with you or not. But the train is leaving the station.

[Just Visiting]

I agree with Devildog, follow the wise advice given.

[AltplanB]

my ex was bulimic too dude. They have problems with intimacy and are very confused in the head. They can make rash, life changing decisions all of a sudden without second thoughts. What she has done here is not make it so that you can get back together when she gets her head on straight but rather give you reasoning as to not make her feel guilty. Bulimics want everyone to accept and like them. Because of this they will do anything to not offend someone. When they cant help it, they will cry for hours. She may of dumped you, but trust me she is not pining over you as much as you hope. These types can change their emotions very fast, and it is not healthy. What you have to do is stop contact with her and not reach her for anything. If she does call and tell you those magic words you want to hear, make sure she can prove them. But also be weary, bulimics change their emotional stance on things overnight. One minute your a god, the next she just cant see herself being with you.

[pistol]

Thankyou all for your advice its very much appreciated, I know I must remain with no contact and I constantly tell myself that its over and we are not going to get back together, no matter what her text said. Its just so hard, you can go through a few days and then all of a sudden the feelings come back, and all these memories are there.

 

AltplanB, so your ex was bulimic as well, its a horrible illness to watch, didn't you find, I was consistently trying to make her feel better telling her that she looked fantastic, I tried the softly softly approach, the nasty approach, the understanding an supportive approach, nothing worked. What I find hard is that often her problems really held us back in our relationship, she was always too unwell to do things, cold, stomach cramps etc. Part of me says I'm better off out of it, but the other part loves her so much that I could have dealt with all of these problems.

 

I've tried to get out and meet new woman as we have been broken up now for six months, but I just find I'm not in to anyone, I'm really starting to give up hope, I think her depression may have rubbed off on me. Its sounds really shallow but she was absolutely gorgeous, I'm not ugly, but I know that should she want to she could meet a guy with ease. I think thats why I couldn't be friends with her, because I knew that if she met someone else I would be devastated, and a new boyfriend never wants the ex to be on the scene. I'm just so confused I know I'm doing the right thing but part of me says that perhaps I should try and be her friend and show her whats she is missing out on. Am I doing the right thing by no contact, should I try to accept friendship if nothing else? Its annoying because I was slowly getting better until she got back in contact now I've gone backwards, woman!!! No offense to any girls out there your advice would be much appreciated.

[pistol]

I'm contemplating moving away, at present I live in a small town with a population of only 20 thousand, I'm thinking about moving to a big city, for a change, the only thing that keeps me here is my family, two sisters, and my four little nieces, but I'm not the type of person to run away from things. I just need to find happiness not through a woman, maybe just a new scene.

[AltplanB]

yea first off, my ex was hot too. I dunno if it was bulimia or what but she was 5'11" and 135lbs. Hard as hell to find if you ask me. And yes she has someone else. She found someone else 3 weeks after me. It was that easy for her. She really was gorgeous and she now knows it. What you have to understand is that it will be much harder for you to sit around and listen to everything that is happening with her. She will meet someone else, it is very easy for these types. Bulimics can be very pleasing and nice, making them prime targets by men. What you have to understand is that if she really wants to get back together with you, she will say it. Just gotta hold strong dude. I have been struggling everyday and even worse now at the 3 month mark. Were both 21 and i was lacking someone that made her feel i wasnt the one over night. It was terrible. Be careful of those who can fall in and out of love like that. Bulimics are notorious for this.

[theclash]

I'm sorry to say that i think devildog is right. It is really mean of her to string you along like that.

Tell her she either wants to be with you, or she dosn't. Tell her that you are fed up of her giving you hope when you know she dosn't mean it. Tell her you will not be waiting for her to "sort her head out"

[MassiveAtom]

DD IS right.

 

She sounds like my most recent exgirlfriend. 'cept with happy vomit.

 

Look man. She's ONE woman out of what, 3 billion? somebody correct me if I'm wrong. But there ARE a LOT of them out there and they can't all be nutso. Just seems the really loveable ones ARE, what's UP with that?

 

Anyway, Imagine you DO become friends.... and then she gets a new boyfriend....and you feel wierd cause the NSA sex you've been having with her stops..... they kiss and touch each other in front of you all the time...... and then maybe flip that. .... and she feels that..... :::shudder:::

 

One last thing and then I'll shut my yap, I promise. When ANYBODY says "I just don't know who I am without you." It means that YOU don't know them either! They are a complete stranger to you. One that you are inviting into your most vulnerable self. That my friend is not safe.

 

I've been accused of taking the romance out of love. If THAT'S romance, then I'm guilty.

 

be well, take care

 

MA